To worry about PIL looking after DS

[tinky19]

I have attatchment issues at the moment so am quite prepared to be told i am being unreasonable but please don't have a go.
The problem is they are much older than my parents, in their 70s, and MIL is virtually blind in one eye but still drives. FIL is almost deaf. They love DS to bits but is it safe or am i being over the top?

Violethill, I am so pleased that for you that you are able to reproduce at will, and that timing/ planning/ money has never been an issue for you. You must be very pleased with yourself.

No, I just live in the real world where people find solutions to the situations they create

FWIW we ensured that we were both working when we had dc1, DH would have liked to do a Masters but obviously couldn't do it then as we had to pay childcare. With dc 2 and 3 we took out a loan to pay for two lots of nursery fees plus before/after school care for dd1. There were no tax credits in those days so everyone paid the full rate for childcare - it's a lot easier these days, especially with longer ML which means you pay less overall anyway.

I totally appreciate that it isn't always easy to organise these things - but honestly, one child is as easy as it gets, and I was rather intrigued as to what you would do if your parents hadn't stepped in. You did say that you never asked - they just offered to be your ds's childminder, so I was assuming you had a fallback plan for if they hadn't offered!

When I fell pregnant DH was working.

and so was I.

Maybe you both need to continue working to for a while then. Studying and further training is great, but comes secondary to getting the right care for your child.

The only way he can get back into work is by retraining! That is the real world, jobs are hard to come by, he's doing his best for us.

Then you need to be grateful that you have managed to find free childcare, and accept that it is less than ideal I guess. There is no point in asking whether you should be worried, when you're now saying you have no option and will have to use your elderly relatives anyway.

I'm so sorry. I thought this was a place in which one could share hopes/ fears/ worries/ questions. A place to chat.
If you had read carefully then you would know that there are options and that I am very grateful for the offers of help.

Absolutely. You have been offered views from a range of people.
I was just making the point that as your options seem to be limited to free care from relatives, there is little point in getting stressed about it. If that's what you have to do, then that's what you have to do.

Well I am very grateful to all the useful advice i was given.

bloody hell, violethill, that was all a bit unneccessary and unhelpful in the extreme. OP, for what it's worth, my DSis and DBil are in a pretty similar situation. My mum has DN one day, she's in the uni nursery 3 days and the 5th day Dsis and DBil spilt between them. Took a bit of sorting out but works well for all of them.

I hope that you mange to get your childcare sorted out - try out the grandparents and see what you can get re tax credits and uni childcare. Good luck to you DP with his retraining.

Violethill - you say you live in the real world - in that case, you may have noticed that we have had (are in??) a recession, a lot people have been made redundant and it's not as easy as all that to walk into another job at will - which wasn't the case 'in those days'. I am sure Tinky & her DH are doing their best to 'find a solution' not for the situation they have created, but for a situation they have found themselves in, along with many other people. Your posts were judgemental and unkind.

Tinky came here asking is she was being unreasonable to think that her PIL weren't up to looking after the baby - you know, reassurance, advice, suggestions etc last time I looked, it was pretty much the reason MN existed.

Tinky - it's a crap situation and you are doing your best. I think the 'trials' are a reasonable idea, but as you said earlier I'm not sure your PIL's will admit to it being too much, so I think you have to be the judge of that. However, I'd certainly look into any financial help as it might enable you to afford a childminder for part of the week, your parents for a couple of days and your PIL's for a couple of mornings or something.

I think violethill's posts are very reasonable and helpful, but the op hasn't answered her question - if her relatives hadn't offered free childcare what would she have done?

I think the op knows she'll have to put up with problems leaving her ds with elderly grandparents and as its free she seems to have no other solution. As I said before I don't think she's being fair to leave a toddler with such older rellies but thats if thats something she can live with then thats her business.

But tbh without knowing the ILs or having seen them with the baby none of us can know can we.

And Op also said she hasn´t seen them do anything to give her cause for concern.

But do they do things like carry hot drinks around or leave them where they could be reached-the pan handles on the oven, all that sort of thing.

Do they have a nap in the day at all?

Haven't read all the posts but I am only 58 and having my grandchildren (1 and 3) wears me out and I only have them on an ad hoc basis. I wouldn't want to have them on a regular basis, even though I really enjoy their company.

My parents in their 70s are registered childminders.

Thank you ssd.

Chipping - I think it's swings and roundabouts. True, it is more difficult to find work these days. However, in past years, it was far harder to find childcare and to pay for it. Maternity leave was shorter so the period of needing childcare was signficantly longer. Tax credits didn't exist. Nor did free childcare hours for 3 yr olds. So the reality was that parents paid the full rate for childcare, whereas these days up to 80% of the costs can be paid if you're on a low income.

The OP says that tax credits are calculated on previous years income, which is why she thinks they won't get any, as they were both earning too much. So, one solution (maybe too late now) would have been to put some money aside for when they knew her DH intended to study and they'd be on one income.

Also, as the child is now 5 months, and the OP says it'll be another 4 months until she returns to work, surely there can't be much of a shortfall to make up? It won't be long before the tax credits can be calculated to show that they are actually on a low income. Even if it meant using gps as a stop-gap for 2 or 3 months, she should be able to get a lot of childcare costs paid before long. So maybe that's another solution - set up registered care for when the susidy will kick in.

I do overall think it's putting a huge burden on parents and PIL to look after a lively young child day in day out. And when your first child is only 5 months, you have no idea of how much more stressful it becomes when they get mobile. A crawling, or toddling child needs watching every second, as well as providing stimulating activities plus doing all the other things the grandparents would want to be doing - housework, gardening, shopping, and just getting on with their own lives! And the worry is also that the PIL won't admit if its too much , they'll try to battle on because they know the parents can't afford childcare.

I would definitely see this as only a short term solution, and check out what credits you are eligible for asap. To not be able to afford childcare for one child, the OP must be on a low income, and her DH presumably is on none. So there should definitely be some entitlement, even if not straight away.

First of all I would like to say thank you to Chipping and susitwoshoes for your posts.
Secondly, I have not intention of leaving either my parents or PIL to look after my DS day in day out. As I said in an earlier post it would be two days a week shared with my parents, so that would mean one day a week with each.
Thirdly, DH will be finishing his course and hopefully in work by next May at which time we will of course be revising the situation.
I have to say, the negativity has both surprised and helped me. My PIL are older and have some problems, but are very fit for their age (they have just returned from a holiday trecking in the jungle) and seem to really want to help look after DS. I do think they will find it harder then they perhaps appreciate, however, I feel I would be unreasonable to not give them the chance to give it a go if that is what they and DH wish.
My own patrents (not just my mum as was said) are 50 and 60 and also both fit and healthy.
I hope I will feel more positive in the coming months with being able to leave DS with others and that my attatchment issues will resolve themselves as he grows.
I never could have guessed DH would be out of work, that is why it is impossible for me to answer the question ssd about our childcare plans as obviously they have had to change.
And, although it is none of your business violethill we did create savings when TTC and at beginning of pregnancy, those are now paying for our mortgage.

tinky

You and your DH have ended up in a situation you didn't expect to (as we all can) and all you can do is make the best decisions you can as you go forward - you can't plan for every eventuality or you'd never do anything would you!

You just have to take the bits of advice and comments that are helpful and ignore the rest, don't let it put you off posting in the future!

Good Luck with everything x

VioletHill - your posts came across as very attacking and critical. Tinky's DH was made redundant - he didn't just choose to retrain for something else. 2 days care between 4 grandparents isn't really day in/day out either.