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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about PIL looking after DS

69 replies

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 15:35

I have attatchment issues at the moment so am quite prepared to be told i am being unreasonable but please don't have a go.
The problem is they are much older than my parents, in their 70s, and MIL is virtually blind in one eye but still drives. FIL is almost deaf. They love DS to bits but is it safe or am i being over the top?

OP posts:

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:19

At no point have we asked either sets of parents to be child care. They have both volunteered their sevices. I just think they look at him now, (not crawling/ walking or crying all that much/ being whisked away by me for feeds/ nappy changes) and think easy!
I think a short trial might be the only way for them and DH to see that i am not being unreasonable.
violethill, I just can't afford to not work but can't afford childminder either. Recent circumstances mean i am sole provider whilst DH is at uni retraining.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:21

They live over an hour away from each other ChippingIn

OP posts:

alicet · 31/08/2010 16:22

If you are not working and your dh is a student you might be eligable to free childcare where he is studying. Worth a look?

alicet · 31/08/2010 16:24

cross posted so if they are an hour away from each other how practical is it going to be to use them as childcare? Presumably they will each be a reasonable distance from where you work / your dh studies unless you work near 1 and dh studies near another. This may well make one / both arrangements impractical

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:24

but i will be working

OP posts:

violethill · 31/08/2010 16:24

If you are on a low enough income you can get tax credits and help towards a lot of your childcare costs, though you would of course have to use proper regulated care. If you aren't eligible for any of that, then frankly, you are earning enough to pay for one child, even if it means cutting back, downsizing etc

If you are determined to get free childcare then I think you have to accept that it may not be the standard you're happy and comfortable with. Not a compromise I would be happy to make.

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:25

My parents live near my work (40mins away) his parents live on his route to uni (20 mins away)

OP posts:

LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 16:26

With them living an hour apart, are you going to have problems with getting your DS to either set of parents before work? I don't want to encourage you to be deceptive, but if there are issues with drop offs and pick ups, this could be a way to talk your DH round.

LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 16:26

Oops, x-post, you answered my question lol.

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:28

Violethill, child tax credits etc is calculated on previous years earnings. This means we are only entitled to £40 a month, hardly enought for proper regulated child care.

OP posts:

alicet · 31/08/2010 16:31

yes sorry about that - of course you are working hence need for childcare. I am usually intelligent honest

Agree with others that I wouldn't leave my ds in a situation I wasn't happy about for any amount of money

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:36

But as I said in my orriginal post. Am I being unreasonable. I'm worried that because of attatchment issues, I'm not keen on leaving him with anyone and therefore seeing the bad points in every potential carer bar me (even the best nanny I'm sure I'd take exception to)
So don't want to be a cow to inlaws just because of my issues.
I am not stupid, I would never leave him in a dangerous/ unsuitable environment!

OP posts:

diddl · 31/08/2010 16:40

That´s hard to know without knowing if they are capable of looking after your son!

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:42

diddl if I new that I wouldn't be asking. Am just going to go with suggestion of trial runs I think (for both sets of GPs), then we'll all know where we stand.
Thanks for that advice.

OP posts:

violethill · 31/08/2010 16:51

If it's an attachment issue, and you have trouble letting anyone other than yourself take care of him, that's a separate issue and it may be helpful for you to seek advice professionally as it could impact negatively on your child.

The suitability of child care issue is a different one. If you aren't confident with your care system, it will make for problems all round.

susitwoshoes · 31/08/2010 16:53

OP, there's a big difference between 5 months and 9, so much will have changed. My DD is 8 months and its only recently that I have even contemplated leaving her with someone else, so attached and pfb am I! But I know I could now.

I would do a trial, for everyone's sakes. My mum, aged 74, looks after my niece one day a week (she's a year older than DD) and she's not up for doing 2 days a week to do a day for me, which I really wouldn't expect her to - because it's tiring and also tying her up for 2 days. Maybe when they're both a bit older she might have them on the same day - but 2 days, no. But you never know - your PILs may sound a bit frail but could be raring to go!

My DBil is a student and DN goes to the uni creche for 3 days which is very heavily subsidised - does your DP's uni not have any childcare on campus?

diddl · 31/08/2010 17:02

Yes, OP-but you know them & have much more idea of their capabilities than us!

As I said my healthy in her 50s MIL had no idea!

If you are unwilling to leave your son with anyone then that suggest the "problen" is with you not them.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/08/2010 17:24

Ref tax credits, my friend was in a simelar situation, but she says although her tax credits were from the year before they take account of childcare in the current year, have you phoned them?

elvislives · 31/08/2010 17:29

My mum used to look after my 4 children plus their same-age cousin for a week or so during the school holidays. She was in her mid 50s then.

We had a "late" baby who is now 3 yo and my mum is in her 70s. With the best will in the world she is no longer as capable as she was, and she finds her tiring. She recently had her for 2 days and nights while we were moving house, which was a godsend, and she will occasionally pick her up from nursery if I'm stuck. But there is no way she would be physically capable of looking after a very young child on a regular childcare basis.

TBH I'm in my late 40s and finding this one child very much harder work than the 4 I had in my 20s.

You say you aren't entitled to more tax credits but have you checked? If you are paying out for childcare you may find you would get a proportion of it covered. Does your employer do childcare vouchers?

ChippingIn · 31/08/2010 17:36

Elvis - how lovely to have a 'late' baby!! I bet she isn't spoilt at all

PussinJimmyChoos · 31/08/2010 17:45

I'm profoundly deaf and I have to say, that having a Grandparent that is quite deaf as a result of age, is perhaps not that safe for the child because a lot of people who have become deaf through old age, have not embraced the technology that is around to enable them more, nor are they used to their disablity and as such, they do not cope with it

I have a pager alert system, CCTV night camera for when DH is on nights, Tomy Monitor, baby gates and I am extremely alert to when DS (4) goes upstairs (if gate is open) as I am aware I cannot rely on hearing him potter as a hearing parent would. I never leave him alone in the garden either as I wouldn't hear him call out, the gate go etc if I was in the kitchen. I have to be more up and down as well because I am deaf - very hard for an elderly grandparent to be doing that

elvislives · 31/08/2010 17:55

ChippingIn- not much ("Madam" doesn't cover it!)

ssd · 31/08/2010 17:55

op, you must look at his taking into account the fact your PIL will get older, slower and frailer

your ds will get more mobile, faster and tiring!

look at the long term

I was in your position and have to change jobs, I became a childminder as I had 2 children and no childcare, but couldn't afford to pay for childcare either. yet I still desperately needed some money coming in

I really think with just one child you should be able to change things around instead of relying on knackering out your mum and PIL, I don't think you're being fair

violethill · 31/08/2010 18:56

What on earth would you have done if neither set of parents had offered childcare?!

You say you didn't approach them; they volunteered. So what would the plan have been if they hadn't?

It seems you had a child, your DH decided on a Uni course this year, and you knew you'd have to work but couldn't afford childcare, and wouldn't be eligible for tax credits?

Sorry, but it all seems to lack a bit of planning.

MmeLindt · 31/08/2010 19:23

Pussinjimmychoos makes some very good points. I would imagine that looking after a toddler when you are in your 70s is tiring enough without the added stress of having to be more alert.

My mil is a bit deaf (not that she will admit it and get a hearing aid) and I do worry that she will not hear the dc in the night. And that is a small flat with older childen.

What is their house like? Would they be able to make it safe for a toddler?

Don't worry about the separation anxiety. I was not willing to leave DD until she was about 6 mths and that was just a couple of hours.

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