to find it a little bit pathetic when grown women say they won't drive long distances

[emkana]

of more than 30 (!) miles because they are scared of the driving and navigating.

Is it really that hard, am I missing something here?

i do think that perhaps this has something to say about the way that people get their license in the uk. In europe you have to have a certain number of hours of driving experience, with a qualified instuctor (you cant just take lessons from a mate here - its illegal) and a certain number must be motorway driving. Yes, its expensive, but everyone still manages it.

i can honestly say i dont know a single woman in the Netherlands who wont drive on motorways, in the dark, in the rain.....

possible connection. Harsh as it is, if you dont feel able, or comfortable enough to drive in these conditions, you shouldnt be able to pass a driving test, regardless of whether you are male or female, or penguin!

'I am fine driving in the rain and dark, however I loathe driving at dusk, the light is terrible for judging distance etc.' Getorf I completely agree, I find my sight not great, even though I have the correct lenses on my glasses.

However I do believe heavily pg woman shouldn't be allowed to drive. I'm not great at the moment as I am knackered and I often can't see out a junctions due to not being able to lean forward.

Plus for some reason when I am pg, not even heavily, just as soon as my hormones hit, I lose all ability to park, and I am normally a great parker, not so much parallel, but reversing in a parking bay I am shit hot at.

On that subject, a while ago I took a bunch of colleagues on a trip in a Ford Torneo (basically a Transit with seats) and was completely fine. We went to park up and there was just one narrow space, which was fine, I don't even mention it, but as I paused to get my bearings 2 of the men jumped out an ostentatiously started flapping their arms about trying to guide me in. I was furious! If I'd wanted help I would have asked for it, and I could barely even see them in the mirrors, the idiots, because if I could have done I would have been aiming squarely for them . I bet they'd never have made such a fuss if a man was driving. Besides which I was driving as most of my colleagues, including one of the idiots 'directing me' were to young to have such a big hire car!

Bumper - totally agree re assumption it will be the men. And these ideas are heavily entrenched. When we travel long distances I generally drive as I drive faster (not speeding, but consistently at the speed limit) while DH tends to get distracted, take his foot off the pedal and coast along at about 50mph in a 70 zone. It drives me mad and makes our journeys longer. So the compromise is for me do more of the long distance driving and he does more driving in town. We got in the car to head off on a holiday a while ago and my 3 year old niece, who was happily waving us goodbye exclaimed, "Are you driving?"

We laughed. But I wanted to weep too!

I have a friend who has "resigned" himself to the fact that now that he's married he has to "let" his wife drive his car and accept that there will be accidents. WTF!? [and I'm speaking as someone who has, in fact, had one fairly major, but not serious, accident that was entirely her own fault].

Also agree with the poster who said that it's a factor worth considering driving alone with the DC on a motorway or whatever. IME men don't tend to do this.

Perhaps we could get the Top Gear chaps to see how they manage with three kids in the back around the Arc de Triomphe or in Egypt?

In the rain perhaps or at night. With fractious and hungry children.

In a manual of course so they don't have "that hand to swat or gesticulate at the kids" as my friend says

Bet they wouldn't dare.

yy saying 'look at this mummy?' or 'I've dropped Woody, can you pick him up' or 'what's that man doing?' to which I have to respond through gritted teeth 'I can't look darling, I'm driving'.

Or I get 'why have we stopped mummy?', 'why can't we go?', 'why did we do a little bonk mummy?'

Having kids in the car takes all the fun out of driving!

I think it is far more wet that most women appear to be frightened of spiders

i mean, wtf?

Well while we're at it women claiming to always faint at the sight of blood baffle me. If men did it I could understand.

I don't think it happens as much these days but have visions of a hefty proportion of 12-50 year old females passing out several times a day for seven days a month...

(only joking, I know that circumstances make all the difference with phobias)

YABU, and I'm felling a bit got-at here.

we all have different abilities - and driving isn't one of mine.

you say its not that hard - well, sorry, but I find it hard.

I eventually passed my test at the 5th attempt around 10 years ago, and I've never enjoyed or felt comfortable with driving.

I was rubbish at school sport, I have poor co-ordination and slow reactions, so its not a huge surprise that I found driving difficult - we moved to a bigger city (Bristol) not long after I passed my test and I was scared of the unfamiliar road systems and for a long time I left all the driving to my husband. I now drive a small number of routes that I know well, but limit it to that.

If I want to travel long distance with the kids and without DH, I'll take the train. I cycle to work. All of our after-school activities are within walking distnce. My girls are very good at walking and happy to catch busses. 95% of the time I really don't miss being able to drive.

I do think that there are some very judgmental nasty comments on this thread.

I only learnt to drive this year, I passed first time while 6 months pregnant and was really proud of myself. I bought a car a few weeks later and did my first journey post test round the godawful one way system in Croydon using Satnav, and it was like a baptism of fire. I had some mouthy twat shouting out his window at me because the road I was waiting to pull out on was bumper to bumper and nobody was letting me out (like its my poxy fault), and ever since then I've experienced so many other wanky male drivers getting right up my arse, beeping at me because I'm doing the speed limit and the like, I can only agree with one of the other posters who said she doesn't want to be part of that competition. I just want to drive safely as I was taught, not bomb around like a cock and the tossers in their BMWs and Mercs round here don't seem to like that.

Plus, my sister (who passed 5 years ago and drives for a living) came round and we did a little trip out to a garage and she was a complete arrogant git while in my car. It was all 'why do you do it like that?' and 'don't you do blahblah?' and then laughed hysterically when all her pissy comments made me nervous and I stalled. Oh and she also expressed shock when I said I wouldn't be driving an hour down the motorway to see her while heavily pg. I'm still cross with her.

After several weeks of all the above I started to get very upset and nervous about driving, and tried to avoid it. Didn't help that I was in a serious crash years ago which left me with a buggered up left arm, and my good friend was killed in a motorbike crash only a week later. Bad things happen on the roads. I started to totally lose my nerve.

Then dh sat me down and gave me a pep talk, and the driving I've done since then has been a bit more confident.

That said, I'm 36+3 now and a bit too hormonal/ emotional for driving at this point. Plus, having never been on a motorway before I am nervous about doing journeys to see my family after the baby arrives, as they live an hour away.

As long as you're not a dangerous twat on the roads, or so scared that you make dangerous mistakes, you're fine as a driver, whether you're comfortable bombing along at 70mph or not. Everyone is different.

pourmeanotherglass, don't feel got at. i had a driving phobia for eight years and had to see a therapist and then book refresher lessons before I even got back in the car again! i am fine now though but people are just ignorant.

I can fully understand a driving phobia anyway, you are in control of a potential killing machine, you could yourself or other people. It is a big responsibility!

this might help

If therapists can help with other fears, they can help with fears associated with driving. Ultimately, if panic attacks or fears are going to interfere with your ability to control a heavy vehicle travelling at some speed on a road used by others, I think anyone affected should be thinking about getting help.

I learned to drive in the US with a manual transmission, but have switched to automatic in order to be able to swipe at the fighting DCs in the back while on the road. Driving in the US means driving on the highway a lot of the time. I don't think it's avoidable. It's definitely every man for himself on the roads there, very much a driving expression of the American Spirit... Very shocking for anyone used to the regulated roads of the British Isles.

It's also very unusual to hear any woman in the US admitting to any 'weakness' relating to driving. I think it's acceptable in the UK to say something aloud like that, moreso than it would be in the US. You hear a lot more allusions to 'pregnancy brain' and other alleged 'hormonal' interference with rational capacity in the UK too. I think women are trying to appear harmless or apologise for taking up space men own when they express a self-limiting desire wrt driving. Apart from those who have genuine panic attacks/ phobias, etc., for whom I have every sympathy, but again, I can't help but wonder what lies behind those feelings.

Helpful link, Ivykaty!

I can tell you what lies behind my fears, mathanxiety. It is that I will make a mistake an dkill somebody. Nothing else I do in my ordinary life is likely to do that and I make so many mistakes in othe rareas of my life I cannot beieve I won't do it when driving.

It's even worse now that I have children.

And I can drive and know it's not something I have a skill for and I suspect that my phobia has sprung out of the fact I really can't do it. I am a rubbish driver and if I were out there on the roads you wouldn't want to be behind me.

But I can do so many other things so very well, I don't feel it makes me weaker than anyone else.

Its crazy aint it!

I have a few friends the same and I drive about 3k a month so never really understood it but my DH who never wanted to learn to drive until he had to for work didnt drive on a motorway until we had a family emergency and I was stuck in Birmingham 2 hours away! Think hes only been twice now so not like he cant just would prefer not to

Spiritmum, If there's any driver out there who doesn't fear they will make a mistake and kill someone, I don't want to share the road with him or her. A realistic assessment of your competence might help -- you've already got a perfectly good mindset, and perhaps more practice with a supportive instructor might help?

my Dad made a point of teaching me to drive in snow, rai, in the dark and after my test on a Motorway before he let me do it on my own. Seems pretty sensible to me and I've never had an issue with any kind of driving though having a tyre blow on the M1 on Friday was scary we all came to no harm

I wonder how many "nervous" drivers are single and can therefore choose to avoid what is a bit scary rather than not having any choice and having to give it a go and getting used to it? (True phobia-types aside)

"My DH had a car with some sort of "flappy paddle" arrangement I think three different types of gearbox in one

I am determined to learn in an auto despite DH's exhortations"

Flappy Paddle gearboxes are autos for men who worry about their sexual prowess being impugned. They allow you to tell an otherwise automatic gearbox to shift when you, based on almost nothing beyond prejudice, want, rather than when a computer figures it out. The DSG you can get in a Polo is the same entrails, just without the paddles. I've been driving a car with the paddles today: they've never been touched since we bought the car.

The business about manuals giving "more control" is rubbish too. Hardcore offroad types use automatic Range Rovers.

Spiritmum- I could have written your
Post myself but whilst I agree it doesn't make me a weak person I do feel it's getting to be a disadvantage now so am determine to crack
The phobia .

YABU of course. How unreasonable to judge anyone else on what distance they feel comfortable driving!

I'm a great driver. It's the aggressive, impatient, rude drivers driving up my arse and not indicating that make life difficult. I imagine all sorts of awful things happening to my car and children when I think about driving, some of which I have seen firsthand on the roads. I do therefore feel nervous about driving somewhere where I haven't yet been, parking in an unknown area and driving on the motorway. These anxieties make me concentrate on the road far harder than all you perfect, smug drivers out there, so therefore I find driving pretty draining and long distances are currently out of the question.

However, my rational self attempts to talk me into putting those fears aside and behaving as safely and confidently as I can on the roads as it's only my own behaviour that I can control. I then face my fears and drive.

That is not being pathetic. Facing your fears and getting on with it is being BRAVE!

And yabu op

Depends - some people don't pass their test until late in life and may feel a bit insecure about it, others are crap drivers and know it, so don't like to drive.

I am a bit of both - passed my test when I was 18 but didn't drive for 14 years because I didn't need to. Also, I am a crap driver and whenever I threaten to drive further than 30 miles people panic that I might kill myself. Both events have put me off driving a bit and I am only just getting into it now (at the tender age of 34). I do think people talk themselves into things.

i dont have a fear of driving.

i have a fear of getting lost. i know im going to have to get over it because next week i start training as a police officer.

if you get lost dont ask this policewoman.

i have never liked driving. im not looking forward to the commute or being sent to XYZ when i dont know where XYZ are. ive bought a sat nav.

"none of that changes the fact that driving on the M6/M42 terrifes the crap out of me so i avoid doing it."

I commuted that route every day for fifteen years, stopping a few months ago. I can't begin to say how wearing I found it. Clearly, 180 000 miles of rush hour aggressive motorway driving without an accident is good experience, but it was really hard work.

tokyonambu Give him his due he didn't choose it, t'was a company car but still he did like it sorry DH

How about this scenario then?

My Mum is in the middle (undiagnosed) stages of dementia. She insists that my DD who is ten was born in 1971. Or 2010. Keeps wondering on which day of the year her wedding anniversary will fall etc

She is able to drive if she chooses. My DH took her out a few years ago and she lurched along in the wrong gear / lane with no awareness of the road. I have known her to stall in the fast lane of a motorway.

But she is legally able to drive and one day as she gets more aggressive and confused and her mood-swings escalate I think she will just take the car out in a fit of pique. My Dad has tried to pre-empt this by getting first a seven-seater to put her off due to the size and then a similarly big auto.

She never drove in the dark or rain or on routes she couldn't have walked or got the bus. Scares me really.