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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to find it a little bit pathetic when grown women say they won't drive long distances

670 replies

emkana · 30/08/2010 21:20

of more than 30 (!) miles because they are scared of the driving and navigating.

Is it really that hard, am I missing something here?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 31/08/2010 13:54

Grin Mmelindt.

That's my kind of parking.

Mind you I did park brilliantly in London when went to the Notting Hill carnival on Sunday. Mind you, the gap in itself was about 25 feet long. DP was disgusted that I was jammy enough to get such a huge space to fart around in on carnival day.

gingercat12 · 31/08/2010 14:00

I like driving, but lately I do not have to very much, so my self-confidence is not what it used to be.

However DH is only ever willing to drive on Sunday morning to church, when there is absolutely no traffic. It is a 10-minute journey, and he would not drive going home. It would be simply too much.

He once drove on the motorway, but I would rather not remember that. He is a fab navigator though.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 31/08/2010 14:01

It might be a mean spirited thread, but there's a truth to it.

I can understand someone having their confidence knocked post accident. That's normal.

But if you are so scared of driving that you won't drive on a busy road/in a city/for more than 10 miles then you should not be on the road!

I know someone who is terrified of the road, always has been. She has been driving for 20 years and won't go on a dual carriageway or bigger. She's a danger to the other cars on the roads and to pedestrians. If you are that scared, you need to get some extra classes if you are going to carry on driving. This isn't Burnout you know! People die if you drive badly!

TheFruitWhisperer · 31/08/2010 14:02

I love driving and Ive never had a problem going long distances. Often we just get in the car, give my uk road map a quick glance and we are off. And I was fairly timid to start off with too.

I think its an old fashioned thing, my Grandad did all the driving for my Nan and I know loads of men who just claim the drivers seat without giving the women family members a second thought.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 31/08/2010 14:02

GetOrf - yes that is one of my moans as well - usually it's with badly drawn lines on roundabouts.

TigerFeet · 31/08/2010 14:05

Thanks for setting me right MmeLindt, I kind of thought it might be a load of rubbish. Send 'em all to Manchester, that's what I say Grin

I am bloody marvellous at parallel parking. Unless someone's looking of course. My dh uses the taxi quip too. He then gets to drive next time we go out and one of us has to be designated driver Grin

Treats · 31/08/2010 14:14

I don't drive every day (live in London so get public transport to work) so only use the car to go to the supermarket or visit friends at the weekends. If I want to get somewhere, then I'm perfectly prepared to drive, however long the distance or the type of road.

BUT - I hate the fact that whenever I do venture out in the car, I seem to find myself entered in some weird competition that I don't want to be part of and don't know the rules to. I always seem to be driving too slowly, or too cautiously, or not quickly enough away from the traffic lights or at the roundabout, or slowing down too much to turn left, or waiting a fraction too long to turn right. Whatever it is I'm doing, it's always wrong, and it's always - always - men who feel the need to point it out to me, either by trying to get their car into my boot to encourage me to go faster, or by honking me if I take too long. My worst one was once when I didn't pull away at a roundabout when I had an opportunity because I couldn't be sure whether a car was coming off at my junction or continuing on (no indicator). The man behind me chased me all the way up the road, then drew up alongside me, wound down the window and shouted at me (I don't know what he shouted - I was concentrating on ignoring him).

and before you tell me what an annoying driver I must be, I'm talking about reasonable speeds and reasonable caution on very built up city streets.

So - I feel for women who don't want to drive. It's a hostile environment out there, and the real rules of the road (not the ones in the Highway Code) are all written by testosterone-fuelled men who deliberately intimidate women because they're an easy target.

And I can't be the only one whose usually sweet-natured DH becomes an aggressive foul-mouthed knucklehead when he gets behind the wheel, can I?

sazinthefamilyway · 31/08/2010 14:14

Everyone has different phobias and it is wrong to describe them as pathetic. I wouldn't start a thread with "AIU to think it's a bit pathetic that some people didn't like to use the tube straight after the 2005 terrorist attack?" I was living in Russell Sq at the time, but used the tube the very next day. After 10 years of not driving however, I had a terrible phobia of it, which it has taken me 6 months to overcome. We're all different and most of us have hang-ups about something.

TrillianAstra · 31/08/2010 14:16

I see what you mean saz - AIBU to think it's a bit pathetic that some people can't deal with a spider on the wall?

Sherbert37 · 31/08/2010 14:18

As I said earlier, I have had to 'get over it'. Since being on my own it is either drive or stay at home. The last two summer holidays have been 2.5 and 3.5 hours from home and I am absurdly proud that I have managed to navigate and ferry me, 3 DCs and the dog there safely.

I was also reluctant to go on motorways as I hated coming onto them from the slip road. I have forced myself to practice and am now fine, although this is Scotland, not central London / M1 where I drove 20 years ago.

Use it or lose it really.

Don't think I would drive abroad though...

SylvanianFamily · 31/08/2010 14:24

DH really is better at driving than me.

It's a combination of factors. For example, I'd barely sat in a private car before I was 10. DH used to drive around doing deliveries with his Dad from when he was a tot, which I think gave him early 'traffic sense'.

I feel enormously responsible for other road users behind the wheel - which makes me a risk averse driver - which is actually not always helpful or that safe, especially in 'agressive driving' countries.

My spatial awareness is poor. Country lanes make me sweat!

It took me over fifty lessons, and six attempts to pass my test. .

DH saw my growing belly with Dd1, went out and bought a car, asked me to sit next to him for a couple of spins. He took three lessons to learn what was expected on the test, and passed fist time. He'll go on an eight hour drive without a second thought. Gender or no gender, that's just never going to be me.

OrmRenewed · 31/08/2010 14:26

I think the issue is that people who are scared to drive are limiting themselves, and as such it is a shame. Not pitiful.

CatIsSleepy · 31/08/2010 14:28

why should not wanting to drive on the motorway mean you shouldn't be allowed to drive at all? i drive to and from the CM's, shops, and other places I need to go, it's fine, it's useful and it doesn't stress me out unduly

in general, I don't need to go on the motorway-dh and i drive on the motorway a handful of times a year to visit rellies or whatever

so why should how I feel about motorway driving affect my ability to do the driving I need to do and feel comfortable with?

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/08/2010 14:30

Orm is absolutely right.

mistletoekisses · 31/08/2010 14:30

OP - not read whole thread. But YANBU. Not at all. I have had some tough experiences (try park lane/ hyde park corner the first time ever during late night christmas shopping. Hideous. I was sobbing trying to find my way). But I have persevered and basically drive anywhere without any problem.

And to someone who posted further down the thread about basic maintenance. IMO no one should be driving a car without knowing how to do basic maintenance - checking tyres/ topping up screen wash/ checking oil levels. After I passed my driving test, my father wouldnt let me take the car out alone without knowing how to change a tyre. And whenever we are driving anywhere of any distance, I am the one who does all the checks needed before setting off.

Deliaskis · 31/08/2010 14:32

I do think that if passing the test means people still aren't comfortable driving at night, on motorways, or in the rain, then the test should be changed. We all need to be able to cope with whatever the road throws at us, and any driver could find themselves driving in the rain, or frost/ice, or in the dark, without having planned to (e.g. a very bad traffic jam that left people completing a journey hours later than expected), so we should be able to cope with those situations.

If people choose not to use motorways and to use other routes that's no skin off my nose, it's their choice, but if people choose not to drive in the rain and are then caught out in the rain or driving in the dark and are subsequently a danger to other road users then that could affect other people.

I don't think motorways should be part of the test in that some people live a long way from a motorway, but I do think you should have to undergo some kind of training/test on a motorway before you're allowed to use them. I also think there should be a 'winter driving' element that even if it can't be tested at all times of year, the student should be expected to answer questions about stopping distances in the snow, how to hill start in the snow, generally how to drive in the snow etc. as the people you see causing accidents by simply being clueless about winter driving are a menace.

After I passed my test my Mum made me go out driving at night, in the rain, eventually in winter conditions, and on the motorway, as she said (quite rightly) that the time to do this was when you have a choice about it, not when there is some kind of emergency and you have to (and are perhaps already distressed or distracted by the emergency).

D

BrightLightBrightLight · 31/08/2010 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrightLightBrightLight · 31/08/2010 14:43

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azazello · 31/08/2010 14:45

I'm a confident driver and quite enjoy it BUT I will not drive long distances at the moment. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night because DS just doesn't like to sleep at all.

I am not prepared to bung the DCs in the car and drive 60 miles each way on the motorway to see some friends wheras I don't have a problem with the drive to Sainsburys because I know I can concentrate properly for 10/20 minutes, not for 2+ hours with a car full of screaming children. I think that makes me sensible rather than pathetic.

GothAnneGeddes · 31/08/2010 14:45

Franca - I visited Milan recently, the public transport there is fab, plus the high speed trains for further afield - YANBU for not driving there Smile

GabbyLoggon · 31/08/2010 14:50

Yes, fluffles, one must be comfortable about driving.
I have never driven on a motorway. Some people lap it up

Horses for courses; (and they dont even drive)

There seems to be some TENSION in drivers.
I see them leap out their cars; flushed face and gesticulating.

Bumperlicious · 31/08/2010 15:10

I think it is mean to consider it pathetic when people don't want to drive. What annoys me more is the assumption that men will do the long distance driving.

I was having a conversation with a male friend and mentioned that I was driving which went like this:

Male friend: What, you were driving, when DH was in the car?
Me: Hmm Um yeah? Why
MF: Oh I just though DH would be driving
Me: Why? Because I am girl?
MF: No no, I just thought whoever liked driving the most would be doing the driving.
Me: And why wouldn't I be the one who enjoys driving the most? Hmm
MF:

The fact is that I usually drive because I get bored or car sick. The other day I had to get out and swap with DH as I was stupidly texting and made myself car sick and was practically vomitting in DD's potty! As soon as I was driving it was gone. Although if we go away DH tends to drive return journeys as I am more likely to be knackered

I'm not a massive fan of driving at night as I find my glasses make me more sensitive to the glare of the lights. But I will always do it if I have to. I took 5 years to learn how to drive (and 4 tests) and hated it. But I swore that I would never not do something because I was too scared, I will parallel park even if it takes me 10 bloody minutes and everyone is watching me. Now I love driving, and even volunteered to drive the hire van when we moved house, seeing as being pg I couldn't lift anything.

porncocktail · 31/08/2010 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StableButDeluded · 31/08/2010 15:17

Nasty mean judgy thread with nasty mean judgy people.

FFS, so what if some people (not JUST women) find some aspects of driving stressful? If they don't like motorways or long journeys or whatever and so they don't do them, how precisely is that affecting you OP? I know a man who won't go over 50 miles an hour and will go miles out of his way to avoid turning right at busy junctions. Yes it's a bit odd, but it's not affecting MY life and he'a a great bloke, so why would I feel the need to label him pathetic?

I'm a driver so when I learned to drive I had to get used to adapted hand controls as well as the rules of the road. I passeed first time but never liked the hand controls available at the time and so when I had a small bump not long after I passed my test I didn't drive for 15 years. Two years ago I made myself start driving again, even though I was really scared of it. Got refesher lessons & had to learn completely different (better) hand controls. I was feeling sick with fear the first time I even sat in the instructor's car. But I did it and I'm bloody proud of myself for getting over my fear.

I'm not supremely confident, but I'm getting better all the time. I did my first 200 mile trip only this April. What a silly little woman, eh?

Pathetic? I don't think I'm pathetic, I think I've done bloody well for myself, and quite frankly it's the attitude of people like you who make a lot of people nervous about their driving...cos they know the minute they make a small mistake there'll be someone like you up their arse flashing them and honking, busting a blood vessel with the stress of having such a 'pathetic' driver in front of them.

It's not nervous drivers you should be scared of, it's those big fat 'heart-attack-waiting-to-happen' lorry drivers in charge of 30 tonnes of metal with mobile phones clamped to their ears that tailgate you-now that's seriously worrying.

StableButDeluded · 31/08/2010 15:20

Sorry, I meant I'm a disabled driver, not just 'a driver'. Note to self: use the 'preview message' button!