When you have effectively fallen out with everyone you know - it's you, isn't it?

[Contra]

Basically, is your ability to maintain relationships a barometer of your personality?

Since I had my second child, I have been shedding friends and confidantes at a steady pace. I'm now down to about, er, three? One very, very good friend (the kind who is never going away) and two I really like and trust, but have a more casual friendship with. There are a few others, but I would struggle to have more than 5 minutes' conversation with them.

In 18 months, I've lost/let slide about 15 friends (5 who were previously very close), 15 friends-of-my-DH (a few of whom I really like), am permanently at odds with my DH and, increasingly, his family. There's no drama going on; I just find life easier with fewer people in it. Or something. I just seem compelled to let these relationships go.

It wasn't like this 2 years ago. I don't feel unhappy, but I suppose I do feel isolated and lonely.

My mum lives a long way away (which works for us: we get on well across the distance). My brother seems to have gone the way of my friends.

Is it a terrible thing? As a body of evidence, it is pretty compelling. But generally, I don't give those people a thought.

Am a bit upset tonight because I have had a fall out with DH and noticed a flurry of FB chat about an arrangement that excludes me entirely. I don't expect the arrangement to include me (or even want it to, actually), but I'm still sad it no longer does. Have also decided to finally stop replying to texts from former friend who is a bit of a passive aggressive competitive type. So that's another one.

Sorry. Self indulgent.

Have these friends you've lost got children? If found that when my DCs came along, many of my friends who don't have them yet seemed to drift off. I was totally absorbed with life with newborn twins, which they didn't really get and I just didn't have the time, energy or inclination to chase after them. I think it's quite common. I made new friends though, and a few of the old ones have come back since they've had kids of their own.

When I was younger, I had lots of what I thought were friends. I know now they were just people I had some things in common with and enjoyed spending time with.

I find as I get older I need people less and less and in fact, life is easier for me without a lot of them in it.

I can't stand passive agressive types or those who play mind games - I don't have the energy for it. I only feel at ease with certain people, mostly my (small) family.

I'll end up alone with a dozen cats, I know it.

Ah yes, that's a small bit, but most of them are either 'mum' type friends or now starting to have children.

Sometimes it is best to go for quality over quantity.

hormones, that's how I feel. Basically, I like my direct family and one friend. And even they irritate the hell out of me sometimes.

I vont to be alone.

I envy the people who are not, though.

I think when you have a family, you're so preoccupied most of the time and just plain tired and busy that it's hard to maintain a large circle of friends.

Bingtata: what you have said has reminded me that most of the people I've stopped seeing where people I'd got to know in the last 5 years (most within one 18 month stretch). I think I was trying very hard to build a social circle at the time. Just married, just moved to a new place, just had first baby etc etc.

So perhaps this is just the old, unsociable 'me' returning.

I guess it a two way thing. You have to make some effort. It is hard when you have little kids, you are consumed with them. You're friendship base can change.

Tis not too late though. Phone/email and say "Lord, I have been so busy with baby and feel terrible, how are things with you, lets do lunch/drinks one day." It will sort the wheat from the chaff.

pj - yes, that is true. So much of the slippage has occurred because I've been up to my eyes in babies.

Cheers. Feeling better. Although DH has returned and been a twat-arse.

Porto: yes, that's what I feel I should be doing. But I'm sort of seeing it from behind glass and, in a strange way, it feels right to let things go. I don't miss anyone; I just feel nervous about the process.

Contra, I feel your pain. I'm an unsociable type too, I'm gradually learning to accept that I just get worn out by trying to maintain anything other than a few good friends.

It's not like you'll be friendless forever though, is it. You're obviously good at making friends, so when you're ready, you can get back on the horse, so to speak.

Or not, if you don't fancy. I've never had a large circle of friends- although atm I have more than I've ever had, due to my hobby- I've always been quite happy with just one or two.

Having a young family can be draining and time consuming and frankly, when my kids are in bed, all I want to do is sit and be quiet. Maybe that's the phase you're in, too.

Don't worry about it. Most friendships ebb and flow- some are just there for a certain period of time and for a particular reason and have a natural end point. Others will return at a later date when all concerned have more time and energy. And then there are the new friendships waiting to happen.

Are you me? I feel the same terrible dichotomoy - very anti-social and yet terribly anxious about the fact that a certain group of old London friends seem to have closed the door on me completely. And all are big high fliers career-wise whereas my career has ground to a halt. But I find myself thinking 'when can I get away' every time I'm having a conversation with someone. Isn't it strange? I put it down to the rather busy open house of my childhood, but it has got worse recently. very frustrating.

dichotomy even.

I think what stands out is that you feel it's different at the moment than how you used to be.
Are you worried about the change in you, more than the loss of friends? I know everyone says 'go to your gp' but might it be worth it? You're saying it feels like you're behind glass: that's quite a feeling, and one I recognise as well, and I'm not sure atm (!) but I think it's a bit of a red flag. I don't know.
(I should probably take my own advice!)

Contra , I too know exactly where you're coming from. I made a big effort to get to know people when we moved countries a few years ago, and now I really don't make the effort to keep up with most of the friends I made. 99% of the time this doesn't bother me as I don't need to have lots of people arounf me and life is pretty busy as it is, but occasionally I get a pang. This weekend, for example, dh has to be away and I am at home on my own with the dc, which I love, but I found out (through the beloved fb) that there is a gathering going on tomorrow of lots of people I know, round the corner from here, and I'm not invited. It's contradictory because I wouldn't really want to go, but it would have been nice to be invited, I suppose. But it's my fault, because I don't actively maintain friendships, apart from a very few.

Honestly. I am abroad. I have felt frightened to suggest meet ups with people I have met as they are surely too busy and have active social lives etc. In fact THIS year I thought sod it. "Would you like to come for BBQ on Sat, weather forecast is good" You know what - they came! It was great fun!

Thank you. It's both comforting to read the replies of people who feel the same AND vaguely inspiring to get a wee kick up the arse, also

Prune: I have wondered that, but the other symptoms aren't really there. But thanks for checking :)

I think there have been some very good points made here. Firstly, I'd agree about the gulf between the new parent and the childless/free. From the perspective of the person who doesn't have the child, an intelligent person who got a First in Economics suddenly morphs into a person who assumes everyone else will be interested in nappies, purees and watching the baby having its nappy changed (yes, this has really happened!). The other awful thing is when a group of new mums get together and start doing the competitive labour stories - 27 stitches? You were lucky - I had a tear from my navel to my knee, and they stitched me up with barbed wire.... and so on. Of course you've got this lovely little new person in your life but it's nice to have some interest in your friends..example Me: Oh, it's been such a busy week, I was invited to speak at a conference, I cured cancer and I think I want to do a Ph.D, Friend - that's nice. Did I tell you LO did the most amazing poo this morning? It was bright green and had two marbles in it. A few sessions of that and the childless person is running for the hills...
Secondly, your family commitments will eat into your time, and friendships need time to survive, whether its phone calls, meetings or activities - bluntly, if you don't put the effort in, it will die.

Thirdly, different people have different needs for sociability. I'm an introvert, and can only do so much socialising before I want to retreat, exhausted. I've got friends though who thrive on having as many different people in their daily lives as possible - you could land them on the moon, and within a week, they'd be best friends with the soup dragon and hosting a fancy dress party for the clangers. It would take me about five years to get to know cautiously a few of the clangers, and would probably do things like exchange moon rocks with them or go crater spotting, in a very quiet, slightly nerdy sort of way. Then I'd sit in my moon house, categorising my craters and tutting at anyone who wanted to open a green cheese mine. I do realise that most normal/extrovert people would find me incredibly dull, and boringly quiet and would hate the quietness I love.

Lastly,I don't think you should ignore the fact that there are some bastards and idiots out there,and getting rid of them from your life is and can be a very positive step. You only have to see some of the threads on here to see people putting up with some really horrible stuff, arguably for far too long in some cases. Blimey, this has turned into a long post!

I find that I've just got less and less mental space for friendships that I could quite happily have carried on a few years ago (and did). Quite why things have changed, I don't know, is it age? It concerns me a bit.

I absolutely love it when I meet someone who is on my wavelength but there aren't many (there are some, though!) and I'm less willing/able to just go with the flow. Partly with me it's how I present myself. I don't have sound like a twat sometimes. But most of the time I'm dryly ripping the piss out of myself, I don't take myself seriously at all. Right at the moment, I'm not sure that many people get that and I end up being niceynicey to compensate. Yick.

All in all I just miss the ease of my late twenties/early thirties. I was more practised then, and more in my skin. I'm an introvert but I do like socialising, and I think I had the balance right then and a good lot of people to go out with.

I really enjoyed reading it, scuttle, especially as I've very, very recently rediscovered The Clangers Watching it with my DD is what I do instead of socialising, of course.

Your last point is actually very significant and one I had forgotten amidst the regret. I have definitely made a conscious decision to leave some people behind.

I really appreciate the replies on here ... am just re-reading them. Thank you.

Prune ... that sounds VERY familiar. I usually make friends by making people laugh, but my sense of humour seems to be less and less acceptable as I get older. I'm pretty sweary, too: that always puts the milder mannered ones off.

I suppose, like you, I peaked late 20s/early 30s, although I was a bit of a mess behind the scenes. The crowd I met when I got married and had children were far more sober and straightlaced, which seemed a bit of a relief at the time ("I'm finally growing up"), but ... ach, it wasn't really me.

On another note, some of it might be the difference alcohol makes. I was a BIG drinker before I had children and it was a huge part of my social life (and my capacity to function merrily within it). Without booze, I'm just too much of an acquired taste, I think. When you're sarcastic but jolly, you're a hoot: when you're sarcastic and serious, you're scary.

I am maybe just a boring and miserable cow. Always a possibility, that.

Got to go, but will look back tomorrow. Do genuinely appreciate chat, so thanks all :) Has stopped me from wallowing horribly.

i wish i had 3 friends i felt that way about. you started with a heck of alot of friends.