When you have effectively fallen out with everyone you know - it's you, isn't it?

[Contra]

Basically, is your ability to maintain relationships a barometer of your personality?

Since I had my second child, I have been shedding friends and confidantes at a steady pace. I'm now down to about, er, three? One very, very good friend (the kind who is never going away) and two I really like and trust, but have a more casual friendship with. There are a few others, but I would struggle to have more than 5 minutes' conversation with them.

In 18 months, I've lost/let slide about 15 friends (5 who were previously very close), 15 friends-of-my-DH (a few of whom I really like), am permanently at odds with my DH and, increasingly, his family. There's no drama going on; I just find life easier with fewer people in it. Or something. I just seem compelled to let these relationships go.

It wasn't like this 2 years ago. I don't feel unhappy, but I suppose I do feel isolated and lonely.

My mum lives a long way away (which works for us: we get on well across the distance). My brother seems to have gone the way of my friends.

Is it a terrible thing? As a body of evidence, it is pretty compelling. But generally, I don't give those people a thought.

Am a bit upset tonight because I have had a fall out with DH and noticed a flurry of FB chat about an arrangement that excludes me entirely. I don't expect the arrangement to include me (or even want it to, actually), but I'm still sad it no longer does. Have also decided to finally stop replying to texts from former friend who is a bit of a passive aggressive competitive type. So that's another one.

Sorry. Self indulgent.

yep. the thing is it doesn't bother me - life is all baby baby baby and the weeks pass quickly (if a bit tediously) so i don't notice thst its been two yers since i saw Top Mate X or even two weeks since i popped round the nighbours for tea.

agree about alchohol, made socialising much easier,

Helped things in the romantic department, too.

So, I had masses more friends and loads more sex. I wonder exactly how much I was drinking?! And, tbh, why the hell I stopped.

belatedly remembers small people upstairs

Yes alcohol. Nowadays half a glass of cider and I want to go to bed.

Interesting. I crave to be alone. but one article from a woman who got just this, 4 weeks in a cottage on her own, said that it didn't sort things for her.
My dh, my best freind and my mum all want me to let an issue go. I can't becasue I have been wronged.

I crave intimacy. I want to be able to tell friends my closest deepest secrets. I can do this to my best friend. And my new closest friend who lives round the corner.

But why do I crave this so much? I want them to 'get me'. to understand me. but I don't feel they do.

Very very hard for me at the moment.

How are you feeling now OP ?

Pofakked: and not to jiggle about, I wager.

Oblomov: in my completely limited and uninformed experience, a constant need to be accepted understood is ... well, at the risk of sounding incredibly wanky and mundane, from the 'child' you and (stab in dark here) directed towards a parent. That's why it's so hard to satisfy, imho. The endless quest for acceptance continues, long after it holds the same capacity to solve/appease.

Best analogy I can come up with is scratching a limb that's no longer there. Although that's still not really what I mean.

Does this make ANY sense to you at all???

God yes. the endless quest for acceptance combined with an over critical intolerance of other people's flaws [in the full knowledge that I am no better]. Aaaargh.

Hi Lenin!

This thread has been sooooooooo good at making me feel better about myself!
I've met a fair few people recently who don't have particularly large (and in some cases teeny tiny) social circles and I can now see that it is fine, normal, and can be a good thing.
Unfortunately I've always been quite socially awkward and a bit "odd" so find it hard to make friends, even when I was younger (and with alcohol involved!), but always have had friends. Back then I used to stress that I didn't have enough, but as I've got older I've accepted that it is quality not quantitiy that that counts. I have two close friends that I love dearly and hope / expect to still see them when I'm old and mad.
I live in a big city with a pretty transient population so over the last ten-twelve years I've been part of several social groups that have then naturally broken up and another one comes along. I've only stayed in contact with a handful of people from these which again is fine.
At the moment I'm part of a fairly big mummy group and I often wonder who will keep in touch with who once we've all gone back to work, life with DC becomes "normal" so to speak. Out of the 15-16 I think it'll be about 3 for me (I hope).

DH was kind of lamenting the other night that in the last 5 years he hasn't made any new friends. But it's no surprise, again the transient nature of of his workmates means that there hasn't really been an opportunity. It's harder when you're older. DH and I have a pretty tight little social group made up of his friends, mine and their partners. We're the first to have a child but we've tried really hard to keep it going. At the moment it's fine but I'm definitely not convinced it'll last forever, which makes me very sad.

There are people in my life that I rarely see but I know i'll be in contact with forever.

One of my BIL's has no friends, noone from school, college. work. He has people he knows he chats to in the pub, but noone even remotely close. His life is his family. This I find odd, how do you lose (or never pick up in the first place) any friends you've ever had?

Sorry I'm rambling! For me I need to know there are poeple in my life beyond DH and DS that mean something to me and me to them, and those people will stay around however many kids I have / however often I get to see them. Be that 1 person or 10 I don't care.

Yes seems to be often a choice between socialising and sleep, and nowadays sleep usually wins. Have been invited to a party next week, and am already calculating the hours of sleep I'll miss as a result.

Interesting about friends from the past Lenin.

I absolutely love this thread. So many of you feel the same way as myself. It is great to know that I am not alone.

I find maintaining friendships difficult. I am a friendly person but I always feel let down by people so I am happy to be alone other than with close family. Life is much easier that way. I have one very close friend who I have known for more than 20 years though she now lives couple of hours away. I have friends who I have met through the children but they dont feel real. The moms only seem to want to be friends if our children are friends and when the children move on from each other so do the moms.

I made friends with one mom who I became very close to. She was very supportive when I went through cancer treatment 18 months ago. I thought we might be close friends for ever but now feel let down by her. I feel she has not shown me any loyalty over a situation despite me speaking to her about it. She was fully aware of my hurt feelings. (My husband thinks it's because she's a people pleaser).

Since having cancer I dont want anything in my life that causes any stress. Unfortunately making and maintaining friendships does.

So glad I found this thread

Only now at the age of 31 have I accepted that I am a bit of an introvert and that it is okay to not have loads of friends and be socialising all the time. The need to be 'popular' has gone and I am more comfortable in my own skin

However I do still feel lonely sometimes. The difficulty is that because I only have a few friends I feel comfortable with, there is less chance that someone is around. So I do spend a lot of time on my own with the kids. A once a week coffee and a chat would be nice rather than going weeks without seeing a friend. But I do like quiet and my own company and of course being with my kids.

I once moaned to dh that I don't have a 'best friend'. I always seem to be the third 'tag on' to other best friend couplings. My dh replied by saying that I married my best friend, which was sweet. As someone else said on here, I confide in dh a lot and would rather be with him most of the time so I have to accept that might reduce my chances of making lots of friends. I met my dh at 19, spent every waking minute together and then married at 25 and had kids. It may be different for those who did not marry until they are older as they may have had more time to invest in friendships and going out before they settled down. I am not saying my scenario is necessarily ideal or healthy but that's life I suppose

There has been a couple of potential friendships I have let slide because it didn't feel right and that is inner confidence I think. I am not self righteous about it, they may have not felt right about me either and my company will not appeal to everyone (or many people at all ) - but hey I am me

Sorry a ramble and not a useful reply but just glad I am not the only one to have had these worries

Yes esmeroo I feel let down sometimes, but that is not to say I have never let a friend down either

Aren't people complicated (myself absolutely included in that!)?

leningrad - I agree about not expecting much from people. You are less likely to be disappointed.

Roseability - know how you feel about sometimes feeling lonely. I also like my own company. I do sometimes feel that I should have more friends but that is probably to do with the fact that some people seem to have loads of friends with busy social lives. I then feel inadequate.

It's really good to know I'm not alone in this. I thought it was just me!!

No it is just that I haven't been great at keeping friends from the past, that's all, and always think it is always only me.

Yes, quite: I just don't want to talk to people to whom I can't talk freely. FB is full of that inane surface chatter and the public posturing ... look at me with my 467 friends, all of whom have just read that I've bought a new eyelash curler. Really couldn't give less of a toss if I tried.

That'll be my critical eye and intolerance, though. It points all ways, of course. Making friends with someone is like willingly putting on hotpants. Please ... I'm a disaster ... let's just hide all that nasty flabby stuff away and pretend we never even tried.

I am embracing solitude atm, thanks to this thread. Although, of course, my neighbour and I discovered vast areas of common ground the other day and so there's another gaping vulnerability. Tsk. Being weird and undesirable is usually deterrant enough.

Glad others are getting something from the thread :)

LOL Contra. Excellent post and I think you'd be a great friend :)

Bless you. I'd love to follow that up, but we both know it would probably be a disastrous idea

DeterrEnt. How annoying is that.