When you have effectively fallen out with everyone you know - it's you, isn't it?

[Contra]

Basically, is your ability to maintain relationships a barometer of your personality?

Since I had my second child, I have been shedding friends and confidantes at a steady pace. I'm now down to about, er, three? One very, very good friend (the kind who is never going away) and two I really like and trust, but have a more casual friendship with. There are a few others, but I would struggle to have more than 5 minutes' conversation with them.

In 18 months, I've lost/let slide about 15 friends (5 who were previously very close), 15 friends-of-my-DH (a few of whom I really like), am permanently at odds with my DH and, increasingly, his family. There's no drama going on; I just find life easier with fewer people in it. Or something. I just seem compelled to let these relationships go.

It wasn't like this 2 years ago. I don't feel unhappy, but I suppose I do feel isolated and lonely.

My mum lives a long way away (which works for us: we get on well across the distance). My brother seems to have gone the way of my friends.

Is it a terrible thing? As a body of evidence, it is pretty compelling. But generally, I don't give those people a thought.

Am a bit upset tonight because I have had a fall out with DH and noticed a flurry of FB chat about an arrangement that excludes me entirely. I don't expect the arrangement to include me (or even want it to, actually), but I'm still sad it no longer does. Have also decided to finally stop replying to texts from former friend who is a bit of a passive aggressive competitive type. So that's another one.

Sorry. Self indulgent.

DamnFanjo: oh yes, I can see that. For me, it's a bit different - I was the clown rather than the rescuer - but the principle is similar. Maybe I just need to get used to it; I do actually feel 'lighter' for it, as someone else has said.

Apple: yes, I see what you're saying. Perhaps I have a bit of an immature sense of, er, social frequency?? How often I need to see people. Maybe it is entirely appropriate to see people on an annual basis. That would suit me, in most cases.

tsc: how many friends do I need before I am above suspicion, then? I have 3 steady burners.

You lurkers ... tsk ... you just need to be a bit more sociable ...

We appreciate your silent presence and ask nothing more of you. That is the beauty of AntiSocial Club.

I shed most of my friends because it was just too difficult to maintain them and the children. I had 6 dc within a short space of time. I soon found out that when you have this many children you become a social leper.
Hell I find it hard enough to be around them, for others it's next to impossible, too noisy, too chaotic.
Then there are the practicalities, it's hard to visit old friends over night with 6 kids in tow Where do we all sleep?
To be quite honest the thought of going for a coffee turns me cold. I could think of a million other things I'd rather be doing,( like not having to talk to anyone for 5 mins!) than sipping a skinny latte in a noisy over priced coffee shop.
There is a woman a school who is the antithesis of me. She needs to be around people constantly. She gathers people round like like moths to a flame. Gets all her energy from others, the adulation of others. She likes the needy and the lost causes, but only from a good middle class background, you understand.
It's not her fault I suppose but she puts me on edge more than any person ever has in my whole life. I think she's finally realised I am not playing ball and and my children and me have been dropped like hot potato things.
I too have often thought that I don't do this mothering thing very well. I was pretty sociable pre kids. Was pretty sociable with the first three kids then it all went down hill. I'm hoping to be a happy old biddy though
God, it's good to get his off my meagre chest.

Hurrah! Someone has spoken the words that rattle around silently in my head on a daily basis.
Since have my 3 DC, I have lost contact with almost all of my friends. Used to bother me when it first started happening after DS1 arrived... not so much now that I have 3 of the little people to occupy my mind.
I like my own company, I find most people really irritating, I detest small talk, I am knackered most of the time but, most importantly, like someone else said earlier, when the DC are in bed at night, I just want peace and quiet, I don't want to occupy my head with the chat of someone else. (Luckily for me, DH is a man of few words!)

I suspect that when the DC are older (they are 4,3 and 9 weeks at the moment) and I start to get my life back a bit it may bother me more but right now, I'm happy enough. More so now I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way .

I am guilty of not keeping up with friends I value from my past. Two that I value as good friends are very committed to their careers [one is unmarried and male] and I have not as yet made the effort I should have to go and see them and meet up etc. They have also been a bit lame at coming to see us/showing interest in the children, though better than I. I only have one real local friend made post children - I have other 'friends' ie parents of ds's friends that I like, but there seems neither the time nor inclination to take it further, maybe on both sides. I have one more good friend that lives overseas and so it is difficult to maintain a close friendship though I love being around her.

so I think 3 close friends is quite good actually!

There is a lot of enforced isolation that goes on when you have young children, no? There is also much less opportunity for focussed adult conversations and/or drunken carefree evenings when you often have young children running around at the same time. I think my free time is so rare that possibly I am much less tolerant of people I don't feel a great affinity with. And perhaps there is a level of mild depression connected to the situation of having young children, which will hopefully pass. Interesting point.

Kittywise, I have 5 DCs and have found that the only people I know who I feel I have anything much in common with, and who can really put themselves in my shoes and accept me the way I am now are other mothers, and sometimes fathers, of larger families. We don't do that coffee thing. Every one of us has a million other things to fill up every waking moment with, whether doing it or planning it. Most of the time if we're all out with our DCs we are constantly doing a headcount, and conversation is a bit disjointed. OTOH, we are all able to pick up where we left off the last time, cut to the chase and deal with each others' children very comfortably and easily. Children of large families tend to be socialised a bit differently from other children, ime. I find myself getting a bit impatient with a few pfbs who come to play and with their parents too...

mathanxiety, yes I know what you mean. It's tricky.

Dp and I have just bee invited to a friends birthday meal She's a lovely friend, one of the few we have left. If I go I'll have a good time but I am praying to God that we can't find a baby sitter. Isn't that pathetic, I want to sit and watch the re runs of Wallander.

This thread is really making me see how unsociable I've become.

When my children were small I found it easy to make friends, I needed and valued their support in order to cope with three children and a husband who was never present, either physically or emotionally.

I've moved house quite a few times and lost touch.

Now my children are older and my marriage has ended, I still feel the need for support and friendship but don't have the mental energy for the level of commitment needed to maintain it.

I also look for far more in a friend than I should.

Now I also know how bloody needy I am.

Can I join the antisocial society? I won't speak to any of you.

Hello, a bit late to the party but can I join the anti- social club? I can count my proper real friends at the moment post dc1 as a grand total of 3 but they are gems. Expecting dc2 so there seems to be no energy left to cultivate new ones or rekindle old ones. I have worried about it from time to time, every time I read an article that links longevity with a vibrant social network, I fret I am defriending myself into an early grave. But you've just got to be you really. I really completely utterly wanted children, so I'm just trying to enjoy this stage, and ignore the thought that I should be trying harder with friends and enjoy what I have got.

sunfunandmum: very much empathised with your post.

I adore my children and I waited a long time for them. Hell, I can make friends when my children are miserable teenagers and no longer want my time

I know! And everyone with teenagers says that stage will be upon us so quickly...

Hah ha its a bloddy myth. Teenagers DO want your time, loads of it just differently to a toddler wanting your time, dream on!!!!

Waaaah!

surely they just want endless money and taxi'ing around?

I'm Contra, too!

Just this weekend I realised that I have lost touch with four mummy-friends over the last year. OK, we weren't that close, and at home there have been quite a few traumas including two mcs, one (so far successful) pg which threatened to mc 3 times, surgery for DH, moving house... But still. And I haven't been near FB which means my old friends aren't in touch (HATE FB HATEITHATEITHATEIT)...

Realised how bad it had got when I was on the point of tears at the thought of DS's bday next year because so far I've chickened out of having a party, but next year he'll be 4, and he'll notice, and we only know about three kids to ask...

I don't look like this much of a wibbling wreck, and mostly I don't want to be out socialising.

But yes, I worry that I SHOULD.

Wow! What an interesting thread and sums up pretty much how I have felt for about the past 10 years!
I thought it was just me who didn't want or need a big group of friends but now I can see I am not alone (which is normally how I want it!)

frazzled: make the most of it. When school starts, you'll be over run ...

I tend to think that friends come and go and when I think about it there have been times in my life when I have had hundreds of friends and have still been unhappy.

I think as the kids get older you find that things get easier and you meet different people.

Also, sometimes when you have lots of friends they are not necessarily real friends which means they are more easily shed than a few good friends. If you have one good friend (who could be DP) you are doing very well

I met some people when I had DD1 and I used to meet them for coffee. I never really had much in common with them though, so when DD2 came along - I was a bit more selective and I made friends with 3 mums who I actually have something in common with other than having children around the same age. I let the first set slide and the second set are still going strong.

I still have a small number of close friends that I've known from school (I've known them close to 30 years, yikes!) and they are constant. Others come and go.

I think life is sometimes easier with fewer people in it, like you say OP, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're not happy. Sometimes friends are friends for just a short time in your life. It's OK to move on.

Thereis, that's another and nicer way of putting my situation. Thank you.

Maybe we need an anti-social MNers meet up, where we go to the same place but glower in a companionable way from opposite corners?

That sounds like a very good plan!

OP - I am in a similar situation to a lot of other posters on here. With two young DC's - I have gradually drifted into what can only be called intermittent contact with previously 'close' friends.

TBH - My DC's exhaust me, as lovely as they are. By the time they are in bed at 7pm, I have no time/ energy/ inclination to talk to anyone/ get dressed up and go out. The thought of getting in late and being up with the DC's at 6am just puts me off going out.

My friends in similar situations, totally understand as they too have found that their lives are totally hectic.

But those without DC's themselves don't really get it I think. But I have accepted that we have drifted apart.I don't take it personally as such - but totally accept that the relationships are no longer there because I have not kept my end of the bargain up so to speak. But I dont beat myself up about it, for now I have decided that my family take priority. And I will one day get some semblance of a life back.