When you have effectively fallen out with everyone you know - it's you, isn't it?

[Contra]

Basically, is your ability to maintain relationships a barometer of your personality?

Since I had my second child, I have been shedding friends and confidantes at a steady pace. I'm now down to about, er, three? One very, very good friend (the kind who is never going away) and two I really like and trust, but have a more casual friendship with. There are a few others, but I would struggle to have more than 5 minutes' conversation with them.

In 18 months, I've lost/let slide about 15 friends (5 who were previously very close), 15 friends-of-my-DH (a few of whom I really like), am permanently at odds with my DH and, increasingly, his family. There's no drama going on; I just find life easier with fewer people in it. Or something. I just seem compelled to let these relationships go.

It wasn't like this 2 years ago. I don't feel unhappy, but I suppose I do feel isolated and lonely.

My mum lives a long way away (which works for us: we get on well across the distance). My brother seems to have gone the way of my friends.

Is it a terrible thing? As a body of evidence, it is pretty compelling. But generally, I don't give those people a thought.

Am a bit upset tonight because I have had a fall out with DH and noticed a flurry of FB chat about an arrangement that excludes me entirely. I don't expect the arrangement to include me (or even want it to, actually), but I'm still sad it no longer does. Have also decided to finally stop replying to texts from former friend who is a bit of a passive aggressive competitive type. So that's another one.

Sorry. Self indulgent.

:o

Actually, further to my FB diatribe: do we think it is an extension of the whole celebrity culture shite? Ordinary (dull) people long SO MUCH to be famous that they create their own audience (aka Friends list) and then endless posture in front of them. "Oh, something trivial and meaningless has happened in my life: must inform my public!".

It's not leading an interesting life or being popular. It's just exposure.

Don't get me started on blogs.

Actually I like blogs of people I know who live somewhere interesting, for example, as I can live a little vicariously through them whilst sitting alone with my marmite and marks and spencers fruit and veg. But otherwise...yes, posturing.

Wow - I see I'm not as weird as I thought! This thread is very reassuring. There are so many points I want to address I don't know where to start. When I was younger I always had loads of friends, so I thought, therefore I must be sociable and extrovert, but I've realised I'm nothing of the the sort.

I have maintained very few long-term friendships. Though I'm fairly confident socially, I'm extremely self-contained in my day to day life, and I just don't need loads of people around me on a very frequent basis. I like other people's company very much, and I would hate to be the sort who can't make friends, I'm just lousy at being a friend! I can honestly say I'm the worst 'keeper in touch' in the world. I NEVER phone anyone just to see how they are. I phone them to arrange to see them - and ever that isn't very often, so most of my friends over the years have given up on me I think. It's my own fault. I chat non-stop in person but I'm a bit phone-phobic, so once there is geographical distance between us the friendships tend to grind to a halt because I make so little effort.

When I lived in a close knit village with small DCs I saw loads of people fairly regularly, chatted at the school gate and toddler group etc, and a few of them would come for supper with their husbands, but since I've lived in a cut-off area and my kids are older I spent almost all of my time alone, because I have made so little effort to maintain the relationships I had. And whilst I wouldn't say I get lonely exactly, I do get REALLY bored.

Actually maybe I am lonely but I'm in denial! I think I'm a bit allergic to the kind of friendships that get too possessive -I have a low boredom threshold, I'm' quite discerning, and I'm not interested in being updated daily on the minutiae of other people's lives. I'm always a bit at people who text their friends about 25 times a day with pointless snippets of chat.

I'd rather go clothes shopping on my own than with a girfriend, and I'm scared to get into FB even though I know I'm missing out with the friends I do have.

I think I keep people at an emotional distance because I have some kind of commitment phobia. I've eased my way out of loads of very nice friendships over the years because I found them too demanding and intense. But the upside is that I never fall out with anyone! If you start with no sense of entitlement or expectation from someone, and keep your nose of of their very intimate business you can't be disappointed or hurt by them, and in turn they can't upset you.

Kittywise - one of my oldest dearest friends is EXACTLY like the patron saint of the needy and lost causes that you describe. She always has a motley rabble of about 8 random disparate people for Christmas lunch, on top of her own family, most of whom know one another but only through her parties, whereas I wouldn't dream of inviting them. She always has some new project friend on the go, and like to gather all her flock around her. But she's the kind of person who can't bear the thought of going on holiday with just her own DH and DCs because they would all bore one another. Whereas DH and I go through every excuse in the book to avoid holidaying with friends when we are asked, even if we really really like them!

Sorry - this post is too long.

I've just read it back and realised I must be a horrible person.

Fellatio - funny, that. I was just thinking how much sense you were making and what a well balanced, rather marvellously practical and reasonable person you seemed! Far from horrible.

I think that close relationships can get very messy. In fact, my only one true best friend has remained that way because she lives 150 miles away. Her intimate, gossipy and slightly insensitive ways would drive me fucking crazy be more of a challenge if we were geographically closer. But when there is so much distance, that probably acts as the glue that keeps us talking. Whereas my more reserved friend and I fell out of touch through a few simmering resentments etc.

Ooh, good - thank you! I was thinking I might come across as someone too up themselves to bother with other people.

(sounds like I was fishing for compliments and reassurance now! )

Fellatio

Great post, enjoyed it very much. No you're not horrible.

Husband and I are exactly same regarding holidaying with friends. Cant think of anything worse.

Contra - I had a very very close best friend from the age of 16 to about 29. We didn't live close by, so a great deal of effort needed to be made to see one another, which as we both started to have children got harder. Up until children we'd shared every deepest darkest secret with one another and had been inseparable. But although our DHs got on well enough, they didn't really gel, so things became a bit hard work in the last few years.

But it started to dawn on me that there were simmering resentments with her, about my life. When we'd met, she had been very much top dog, but as my life got more successful than hers (in terms of material trappings and DHs jobs) she started to get a bit snippy with me. She found it really hard to deal with, that I wasn't her lady in waiting any more, and she just stopped contacting me. I wrote to her to tell her I'd had my 3rd child, and we moved abroad for a few months, and she never replied.

I wasn't devastated, I think I knew it had run its course, and she was always so fiercely competitive over everything that it started to become a bit awkward. But I still find it odd given how close we were, that it could end as it did - without a row or anything. I know (through tinternet) that she and her DH have been very successful and are still happy together so I don't really know what her problem was. But she seemed to need me to not get ahead of her, if that makes sense, even though I'm sure things have evened out in the end.

And I've had two or three close friendships since, but I've extricated myself from those because they've turned out to be very possessive and needy, or to just want to take advantage of me.

But just because I'm self contained emotionally doesn't mean I want to spend so much time on my own! I'm bored stiff!

We have a few friends we see as couples, who we've known for years and years, but we just see them for an evening here and an evening there every couple of months - not enough to give me a regular social life to speak of. It's alright for DH - he has friends through work.

Fellatio - reeeeeeeeeeeeally odd - my former best friend and I met when we started A Levels and fell apart the year we turned 30. There is quite a parallel between your situation and mine. Very similar circumstances.

have love love loved this thread :)

Hi, sorry haven't read the whole thread, although it looks good so I'm going to pop back and have a look but just wanted to say that I really relate to the not into drinking since pregnancies etc. I can't see myself every bothering with it again and yet in my 20's and early 30's it was a big part of my social life. We also moved, and I'm actually still in touch with almost everyone from before but I have given up on a few friends here and there, sometimes there's nothing much else for it. If someone is really hard to put up with over time it gets tired. It's amazing how much more enjoyable a simple life can be though instead of some people who don't give much back occupying a lot of headspace!

Also another Clanger fan here! and not on FB!

I always feel a bit 'out of place' around other mums in the playground. Despite being able to chat about the DC with almost 100 of them, I can say that I only really have one close friend. I think a lot of it is because I had my DD when I was only 16yo, so all the mums in the playground, slthough friendly, were at least 10 years older than me, if not more. Even now, when I meet new mums that are the same age as me (29yo now), they are still going out clubbing/drinking at the weekends...I'm err...NOT! I have a DD of almost 13, who would be mortified if I rolled in worse for wear each weekend. I just don't seem to fit in properly anywhere, I'd rather go to bingo with my one close friend once every couple of months than go out clubbing every weekend with people I wouldn't rely on to get me home if I twisted my ankle while drunk etc! I think the fact that I very rarely drink now doesnt help either. Yet if you asked anyone that 'knows me' is a casual acquaintance they would say that I am loud, gregarious, and bound to be the life and soul of the party....When in all reality, I am a hundred times more likely to be found sat on a comfy chair nursing a J2o drink!

I am marking my place in this to read later, I am also a friend-shedder. I have made exactly two close friends in the last 8 years since I moved to the UK, and I find it hard to keep up with just those two! I am terrible about keeping in touch, it just doesn't occur to me. I used to think I was an extrovert, but as I get older I realise I am actually quite introverted.

Glad it isn't just me.