When you have effectively fallen out with everyone you know - it's you, isn't it?

[Contra]

Basically, is your ability to maintain relationships a barometer of your personality?

Since I had my second child, I have been shedding friends and confidantes at a steady pace. I'm now down to about, er, three? One very, very good friend (the kind who is never going away) and two I really like and trust, but have a more casual friendship with. There are a few others, but I would struggle to have more than 5 minutes' conversation with them.

In 18 months, I've lost/let slide about 15 friends (5 who were previously very close), 15 friends-of-my-DH (a few of whom I really like), am permanently at odds with my DH and, increasingly, his family. There's no drama going on; I just find life easier with fewer people in it. Or something. I just seem compelled to let these relationships go.

It wasn't like this 2 years ago. I don't feel unhappy, but I suppose I do feel isolated and lonely.

My mum lives a long way away (which works for us: we get on well across the distance). My brother seems to have gone the way of my friends.

Is it a terrible thing? As a body of evidence, it is pretty compelling. But generally, I don't give those people a thought.

Am a bit upset tonight because I have had a fall out with DH and noticed a flurry of FB chat about an arrangement that excludes me entirely. I don't expect the arrangement to include me (or even want it to, actually), but I'm still sad it no longer does. Have also decided to finally stop replying to texts from former friend who is a bit of a passive aggressive competitive type. So that's another one.

Sorry. Self indulgent.

Contra, I had cancer five years ago, and it was a very interesting experience. One of the things I learned (quite painfully) was that my time was not infinite or elastic and that spending it with people who didn't make me happy or were providing me with some other benefit e.g. learning was a complete waste of my valuable and finite time. NB not talking here about voluntary work, or essential social stuff, such as chatting to elderly neighbour, but more of the acquaintance/friend thing. Now I have a much smaller group of people round me but they are all ones I value very highly. I also have a far less tolerant approach to being messed around - won't keep putting up with unnecessary drama/lateness/broken promises. I genuinely wish I'd done this years ago.

So glad you like the Clangers - I adored them when small.

i think when you have young kids, that friendships just fit in as & when you can manage. i have just accepted that there are some people i see on odd & rare occasions. my real friends & i seem to still be able to 'connect' even if it's been months/years since we last spoke, we just kind of accept that family comes first.

i also think that as you grow older you don't feel the need to be 'popular' like you do when younger - as a teen i'd have kept up with a group just to seem like i was 'in'. now, if i don't really value the relationships, i just let them slide - it's quality over quantity.

also, i find as i have got older, i've got more confident & am happier with my own company.

and finally, the person i am 'best friends' with is dh, i don't feel the need to confide in others, or see them every day/week, as i get to chat to him loads. a lot of the time i'd rather do something with him, than go out to see other people.

scuttle: thanks for sharing that. Hoping not to sound too obvious, but I hope the 'had' is a definitive statement of past tense re cancer.

I think I agree with you. I appreciate your perspective. I feel better for paring things down; I just wished I felt more secure about my choice.

Off to bed, anyway (baby stirring) - with thoughts of blue-string-pudding in mind!

Contra, you are just becoming more discerning in your taste, that's all. I also totally agree with kickassangel's point that you care less about needing to be popular as you get older. Over the last few years as I've got busier professionally and my domestic life has been more stable, I've identified friendships that were not healthy or were being maintained out of duty. Or length of time served rather than joy at hanging out with certain folk, as it were.

If you don't miss some of these people then it's not a problem. But if there are some people you wish you hadn't lost touch with then it's not too late to get in contact. Any reasonable person who is worth being friends with should understand that having kids changes things. I'm about to have my first child and I'm finding friends who fell off the radar a bit after having kids are getting back in touch with me knowing that my priorities are about to change too.

Is your DH quite gregarious though and it's causing friction?

there's also a big difference between gradually losing touch & falling out, e.g. having a big argument.

if you repeatedly have massive rows with people and have no-one in your life from 10 years ago due to that, then i think you should worry.

if you have a few good quality long term relationships & some other 'less serious' friends etc, then that sounds normal.

This is the most amazing and lovely thread I've read in ages.

See Contra, how many people are connecting with you.

'I vont to be alone,
I envy the people who are not though'

that's so brilliant.Just how I feel too. I've always been very unsociable and can't bear smalltalk.

Your post of 15.27 is exactly, exactly me too.

I do urge you to make a big effort with you DH however. It's so easy to take things for granted. Mines just left after over 20 years together. One of his complaints was that I never wanted to go to dinner parties etc with his friends. Boring bastards they all were but on reflection maybe I should have made more of an effort.

Hang on to your 3 good friends to and make sure that you are as good a friend to them as they are to you (I'm sure you are)

ALSO get rid of bloody facebook, it's a curse !!!!!!!!!

Happy Sunday x

It's that evil facebook again.

Maybe try makning some new 'mummy' friends to replace the ohters.

They'll probably cme crawling back when they're the ones knee deep in nappies.

Ooooh I second ridding one's life of facebook. It is so horrible, and it just seems to encourage faux connecting. I don't understand why people feel the need to have their conversations in public - just buy a bloody megaphone.
I can't tell you how frustrating it is when I've been out for dinner with friends recently and they have updated their FB midway through conversation. (Which as an art is also being lost.)

are you falling out with these people or just losing contact

falling out with lots of people is sign that you have a prob imo

You sound a lot like me.
My DH (who is naturally very sociable and finds it easy to talk to virtually anyone) described me as anti-social a little while ago. He didn't say it to be mean, just in passing, in a matter of fact kind of way and it did chrystallize(sp?) the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I don't really go out and see people much anymore.

I've thought about it a bit and I do think that lots of people would describe themselves as having lots of friends, but really mean that they have lots of acquaintances. People who are naturally social will probably make an effort to get to know people, but for the rest of us unless you really like someone it is just too much of an effort.

When you have a student lifestyle, everything is built around socialising. Later, unless you are a 'joiner' by nature it can feel a bit too much like hard work if you don't have a personality that needs a lot of company.

Also, not all friendships are meant to last forever. I think very fondly of people who are no longer in my life (for a variety of reasons). I genuinely loved them at the time, but don't really miss them now. I wish them well wherever they are, but feel no need to actually see them again. That said,I have recently made an effort (via fb) to arrange a meetup with an old student friend who has always made more effort than me. I have missed her.

Sorry for the essay. I think I'm just trying to say that it's okay to not need lots of people, but maybe you should try to make the effort with the ones you do genuinely love

Contra, your post today at 00:15:27 rang a bell with me.

You sound Scottish - are you now living in England by any chance? I too find my sense of humour and my manner a bit abrasive for people here (exiled Scot south of the border). It's taken me a while to cater for the somewhat more genteel sensibilities of my English friends & colleagues - makes me sound harsh & coarse but I was brought up in a different country and people there were just a bit more, well, hard really. :)

I may be completely off-track, but could this be one of the reasons you're finding yourself a bit out-of-it lately?

Contra, are you me! I was the same and now sound terribly serious.

OP. Go for it and ask. You can only be told 'no , off to do something far more interesting'. In which case they are probably not worth it anyway.

I am worrying about friends as I work away from the home at times. The little school clique I was part of and indeed, helped form has moved away from me as I can't be there for every drama. So I get excluded most of the time.

It's been bothering me too recently. I just keep thinking that once Dc's are old enough to make their own friends and go out on their own, I will be able to stop this social engineering and bloody well get on with maintaining friendships with people whom I like.

I should have added that they are out there, but because we have children, we tend to be interested in people who also have children.

In fact, we meet more people than at any other time when we have children (other than work).

But, and am sure of this, there are like minded people out there and with the introduction of forums etc on flower arranging, drawing of nudes, pottery, WI, swinging et al, there is such a big melting pot that there are bound to be people who you can meet up with, bond and then be really good mates for years.

When I was 21, I had a birthday party with 150 or so friends. For my 30th birthday I had dinner with 5 friends and their DPs.

That five have stuck with me through some unimaginable shit and I'd far rather have those five friends until my time is up than have a hundred hangers on. Any day.

Great chat - thanks so much for posting OP. Feel very much like you describe. Am getting rid of facebook right now! Em, how do I do that?

I find with husband, kids, job and hobbies I don't do much socialising with "friends". I get on with folk at work and in my sporting hobbies and clubs, but many of my "close" friends live several hours away and we all have busy lives so have drifted apart.

I have about 5 facebook friends most of whom are family members.

I'm happy.

I've never been a "loads of friends" person though. I have enough people around me to keep me happy.

Have just written out a MASSIVE post which I then managed to lose. Arse!

In short: thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and experience very much. I'm not going to manage to comment on everyone's posts (especially as I've just lost such a long post), but I have got a lot from reading them.

hormones: no, not Scottish (I do nick a few mannerisms ), but I am from somewhere VERY far from where I live now. I think you make a good point. It's so difficult to make time to see the people I know from back there (whe I visit, it is in a hurry and with both children in tow), but it is such a relief to do so. I think I overlook the impact that so much dislocation has had upon me. At the risk of bursting into the opening titles from 'Cheers', it is a alienating to have so few common reference points with those around me.

And I agree re Facebook. It IS bizarre and pointless and I don't know why I bother anymore, really. I suppose I don't want to lose individual people in case it offends them, but could really do without the whole thing.

Some of you mentioned my DH: things are pretty poor between us and I think that is why I put so much effort into making friends in the last few years. PErhaps it was all a big diversion activity.

Again - sincere thanks x

Marking place to memorise Scuttle's Clanger analogy. I strongly suspect Scuttle is my dh

Another introvert here, and I love the Clangers too, don't do Facebook... My closest friends are on another continent.

Only thing I would say is make an effort for your DH, even if you have to get a little bit out of your comfort zone.

IME things go up and down with one's dh in terms of connecting - you can't always get on famously with someone you live with all the time, can you? As long as you are both aware of it then you can make the effort needed to reconnect - that is what we are trying to do anyway, and it is working, when time allows.

I went exactly the same way after having my dd, Contra. It's not a problem for me because I don't feel lonely or isolated - I feel liberated, actually! I just think we re-assess things when we become parents. I won't tolerate questionable behaviour from other adults who I would have tolerated before because I want the people around my dd to set a good example. Also, I have much less time on my hands so I'm more selective about who I give my time to. I think with friendships it's quality not quantity that matters.

Mumble, If you can hear me making the pssch-coof noises from Ivor the Engine, and have seen my carefully filed crater folder, then yes, I am your husband, and claim £5.

We also love Ivor the Engine (me, again - DD, for the first time).

When she was going through her late night phase (before I finally accepted that I she had to drop without the lunchtime), we discovered a little half hour session on one of the kids' channels (the ones I normally frown upon in my most frowny way). Bagpuss, Paddington, Ivor, The Clangers ... it was like 1977 around here.

How old are you? It tends to be something that happens anyway as you get older and just can't be arsed to maintain such a large group of friends.