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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be totally livid that my OH is out wetting the baby's head....

127 replies

AnnaAndBump · 27/08/2010 20:33

Is it wrong for me to feel hugely angry and quite upset that my OH is out wetting the baby's head whilst I am sat here holding said screaming baby. DD is 16 days old and my OH only went back to work on Wednesday and since then I have been struggling to keep my head above water, something he is aware of, yet he has still chosen to go out tonight. The house is a tip, the fridge is empty and we have friends coming up for the weekend tomorrow. Is it wrong of me to begrudge him a night out... as I feel like ringing him up and dragging him back if the crying continues much longer (and he only left the house 15 mins ago!!)

OP posts:

fuzzypicklehead · 27/08/2010 20:34

Nope. YANBU.

SirBoobAlot · 27/08/2010 20:35

Your OH is an arse. He should be helping you in every possible way right now. Get him to go to the shop on the way back.

Can you put your friends off for a few weeks?

MixedNutPlate · 27/08/2010 20:36

Send him a text with shopping list.

Meglet · 27/08/2010 20:39

YANBU. Call him and ask him to come back.

My xp buggered off down the pub the day I had DS and was in hospital recovering from an em cs. He never stopped going to the pub once we had dc's. He would help with bedtime, yell at me if they weren't in bed early enough and it was eating into his pub time, then bugger off at 7:30 on fridays / saturdays regardless of whether I had a wailing baby to feed / settle and he would stumble home after midnight.

Cicatrice · 27/08/2010 20:42

No.

tholeon · 27/08/2010 20:43

YANBU. He should come back. I would text him and tell him to. And put the friends off unless you really want them to come and think they will help. Good friends should understand - though if they haven't got kids it may take a bit of honest explaining.

QuickLookBusy · 27/08/2010 20:46

YANBU,

Maybe, if DD was sleeping peacefully, house and fridge were ready for friends, and you felt totally happy then he should beable to go out. But as non of this is the case he should not.

I would actually phone him, before he gets too merry, and tell him, you need him to come home.

When he gets back, sit him down and tell him how upset you are, and how, like every other new mum in the counry, you will be needing some support!!

I would also add that you aren't saying you never want him to go out again, but he cant just bugger off, when you are at home with a screaming baby. How would he like it??

Animation · 27/08/2010 20:47

You need him home - helping you. That's too much - and the friends at the weekend sounds stressful to me.

solo · 27/08/2010 20:48

YANBU. And if it's any consolation at all...my EXp was worse as Dd was born boxing day, he dropped me home on 27th, fed me and pissed off for two weeks. Ooops! that's the first time I've ever typed a profanity on MN

It will be ok. They just don't think.

ThatDamnDog · 27/08/2010 20:48

Ring him. Tell him you need help. You're shattered from having to deal with a newborn baby alone this week, but he clearly isn't if he's got the energy to go out on the piss. So he can bloody well come back and make himself useful.

FWIW around this stage I had to have A Conversation with DP, who would come home from work and start playing PC games or watching tv. I said I needed help and he couldn't do being a bachelor any more, and pointed out that while DS was tiny he had to pull more weight. It sank in, no more was said, he helped more.

Minxie1977 · 27/08/2010 20:48

Sounds like you're not begrudging of a night out but in need of help while you're struggling. Worry about yourself and your DD - sod the house and friends. He can go shopping and clean house before they come up, surely?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 20:51

YANBU.

He should be at home helping you. Wetting the babies head (ie. new Dad getting to slope off down the pub instead of mucking in), is a dreadful 'tradition'.

We had friends to stay when DS was 4 weeks old. DH and the DH of the couple went to the supermarket once they arrived, and we had a takeaway for dinner. Don't stress yourself out over it, they are coming to see you and your new baby not be entertained.

PaulineCampbellJones · 27/08/2010 20:52

Can you put off your friends coming? And ask him to help you at the weekend. Maybe do an online shop so it's something taken care of (once your DD settles)
YANBU, I would have been lying in front of the front door at 16 days had DH attempted to go out on the beer. He went away to work and that was hard enough!

chasingrainbows · 27/08/2010 20:58

if i was visiting a friend with a 16 day old baby i would rock up with provisions.
and i would bloody well expect any visitor to understand & accept any chaos.
as for OH - its men innit?
give him a couple of hours then call him home - save yourself an unexpected petulant child to deal with
good luck anna xxxx

Original poster

AnnaAndBump · 27/08/2010 21:02

Thanks Ladies, you have reassured me that I am not being totally irrational...to be fair to him he has been really helpful with everything and I don't want to stop him from doing things as he rarely goes out, so I didn't tell him I didn't want him to go, I just really hoped that he would see I needed him to stay without me actually saying so, but I guess men aren't mind readers.... :) DD has settled a little now, (she suffers terribly from wind) so
I'm going to grab some chocolate and hopefully things will look rosier then, if not I am going to ask him to come home at pub closing time rather than going on somewhere else, I really don't want to embarrass him or myself in front of his friends unless strictly necessary!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnaAndBump · 27/08/2010 21:06

Unfortunately can't put off friends, she wanted to visit 3 days after DD was born so this weekend was already a compromise! She has said not to worry about the state of the house, but I am just not that person, I like to think there is a superwoman outfit under this milk stained t-shirt and nursing bra!!!

OP posts:

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 21:12

YANBU but your DP is being VU.

Selfish twunt.

You're already superwoman, giving birth, dealing with a baby crying etc etc

catherinedenerve · 27/08/2010 21:22

YANBU

Go out with your friend tomorrow.

Mumcah · 27/08/2010 21:26

YANBU

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 21:31

Blimey am at the replies! You are really lucky to have had your dh around for 2 weeks - with dc4, dh couldn't take any leave at all - he had the day he was born off and that was it. Is dd your 1st? In which case, leave the house and the tidying, snuggle up with dd and don't worry about whether dh is out or not. He can get some food for your friends tomorrow, tidy up tomorrow or this evening when he gets in.

I think it's really important that men are able to have a bit of time away from the house with friends after a baby is born - it's a culture shock for both parents, but I think for the man it is more of a shock in a way - the mother has had the whole pregnancy during which she has felt her body changing, felt the baby kicking, etc etc, so in some ways it is not such a shock when the baby is born (and in some ways it is a relief!).

So enjoy some quiet time with dd, put your feet up! Sorry you feel you're struggling, it will get better, and don't worry about doing anything except feeding yourself and the baby!

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 21:34

(Just to add, I do know what it feels like, with each of mine dh has had work stuff or SOMETHING on that has meant he couldn't really take time off - ds1 he had started a new job, so took 2 days off, but couldn't really take any more, with dd he was away for a week when she was a week old, and with ds2 he was out every evening working for the first 2 nights of his life! And then with ds3 he only took the 1 day off, but the other 3 were at school/playgroup so wasn't too bad. He was out in the evening when ds3 was born, but I had fixed up sleepovers for the other 3 kids, so actually enjoyed some quiet time with ds3!).

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 21:36

(PPS - sorry, that read wrong, dh was out in the evening on the day ds3 was born - he was born in the morning).

Seriously, I know the crying can be really really wearing, but just feed her loads - take her into bed with you - and then if she drops off either go to sleep with her, have a nice soothing bath or find whatever you find relaxing with either a glass of wine, or a cup of tea!

ThatDamnDog · 27/08/2010 21:36

Lucky to have had him around for 2 weeks maybe - just because he's had 2 weeks to help doesn't mean it's ok to piss off when baby's fussy and poor Anna's wrecked. This is the 21st century, right, or did I take a wrong turning?

TheUnmentioned · 27/08/2010 21:41

I knew this would turn into a 'well I had 19 children and no help, think yourself lucky' thread.

YANBU OP, I think youre being pretty fair.

CatIsSleepy · 27/08/2010 21:44

ah poor you
YANBU
hope the crying stops soon, hope your dh is not back late

hang in there

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