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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally livid that my OH is out wetting the baby's head....

127 replies

AnnaAndBump · 27/08/2010 20:33

Is it wrong for me to feel hugely angry and quite upset that my OH is out wetting the baby's head whilst I am sat here holding said screaming baby. DD is 16 days old and my OH only went back to work on Wednesday and since then I have been struggling to keep my head above water, something he is aware of, yet he has still chosen to go out tonight. The house is a tip, the fridge is empty and we have friends coming up for the weekend tomorrow. Is it wrong of me to begrudge him a night out... as I feel like ringing him up and dragging him back if the crying continues much longer (and he only left the house 15 mins ago!!)

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 27/08/2010 22:21

'life' to go down the pub!

ThatDamnDog · 27/08/2010 22:22

Hope he'd consider what would make you relaxed? How about NOT leaving you alone with a newborn while he goes out and gets rat-arsed!

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:22

kittycat, in all honesty, would you really begrudge your dh a night out with his mates to celebrate the baby being born, when the baby was 16 days old? Tbh, I liked having some peace and quiet on my own with the baby, when I could just curl up in bed with him and feed to his heart's content. And dh enjoyed being out too, so was win-win.

I'd be really annoyed if I wanted to go out with my friends for an evening, especially if for a celebration, and he was 'totally livid' that I was out. And I guess if the OP had said she wanted to go out for a few hours with her friends, but dh didn't want her to, she would have got a very different response.

Anna, hope you're asleep with a sleeping baby!

ivykaty44 · 27/08/2010 22:25

you have friends coming in the morning - you phone the friends and tell them to bring their rubber gloves and could they get the shopping you need onthe way to save tiem and you will pay them back as your dear nearly ex p/h is out of order

You are supposed to wet the babies head onthe night the baby is born - not a fortnight later - even my ex knew that bit as i was tucked up in bed with newborn

He is an arse

Altinkum · 27/08/2010 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sungirltan · 27/08/2010 22:29

lilybolero - if my dh reads your post he will spit his tea all over the laptop.

firstly dh's mates all came here to see us/coo over the baby.

secondly i ebf and i doubt dh ever felt left out since he prob changed more nappies than i did back then and probably did more than his fair share of baby care. in fact i would wager that hes sitting there on his oil righ right now boring the tits off his colleagues about the wonders of breast feeding/baby led weaning/blah blah/not forgetting the holy sling and how much he likes mincing aorund town wearing dd.

thirdly although i agree that having a baby is v intense i think that parents should be rewardly equally with a break. if it transpires that the op has had 3 all nighters at the ministry of sound plus a spa break at champneys since her baby has been born then fair enough but since the mother always does more work why is the man more entitled to a brwak??

Doodleydoo · 27/08/2010 22:29

Anna
Totally irritating your dh has gone out - have words tomorrow and tell him you are just feeling overwhelmed slightly and really need him to help out.
Phone your friend in the morning and say that she is welcome to come but could she pick up something to bring for lunch - pudding/pizza/ anything.
DH has to tidy the house AND get in supplies - although if you do an ocado/tesco/sainsbury online shop you might get a slot for tomorrow.
Alternatively do you have somewhere that sells cook food near you v useful for the freezer!
Having a newborn is overwhelming - you adore them, and they just eat, poo and scream (ds born 11/08 so feel your pain - have a 2.5yr old too!) and it seems it never ends! It does though and you forget about it enough to go and have another one Hmm but what you are feeling is normal and I too would be resentful of my dh if he buggered off to wet the baby's head whilst I couldn't! I would love a night out but that isn't going to happen for a few months yet!
Good luck and hope it goes well!

QueeferSutherland · 27/08/2010 22:30

YANBU.

I fucking HATE this "tradition".Angry

"Duh, why don't we celebrate my becoming a father and all the joy and responsibility that brings by going out and spending our money on booze, getting legless, pissing in a cupboard and being a thoroughly shite person."

Aaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!

PotPourri · 27/08/2010 22:31

YANBU - it's soooo hard in those first few months.

I must say though that Bolero is talking some sense: men take longer to adjust, they haven't had the whole pregnancy to prepare and to be relieved to be getting on with it.

Try to snuggle up with the baby, get comfy so that she can just feed. Give him his night out, he should in theory be refreshed and ready to accept that responsibility. Tomorrow, explain how it made you feel, and that you are overwhelmed and really need his help (starting today - cleaning house, getting shopping in).

Big hugs - it'll be ok, but you do need to work together x

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:32
Animation · 27/08/2010 22:32

Lily - "I THINK it's really important that men see their friends".

Think you're winding us up!!

When you have a 16 day old baby??

Hmm Confused Hmm

SkylineDrifter · 27/08/2010 22:32

I am afraid I am leaning quite a bit towards Lily's point of view. And poor Anna's OH is really getting a pasting! He went out and she didn't say anything to him, just hoped he wouldn't go, and he's been called everything under the sun!

Someone mentioned tucking herself up and relaxing, and someone else said - how can she relax when this is happening? Well this might be an old fashioned attitude, but if the Mum isn't relaxed, the baby isn't going to be relaxed, and hence you have a vicious circle.

My advice? Contact your OH at closing time and ask him to come home - I'm pretty sure he will. Ask him to get up early in the morning to get the house ready for your visitors, if you really feel you have to make an effort for them. And then just enjoy the weekend, and, more importantly, enjoy your beautiful new baby!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 27/08/2010 22:33

Sorry I am also with Lily.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/08/2010 22:33

16 days old? You must be exhausted. Cuddle up with him and feed him. It is so much harder with your first. DS2 (DC3) here is 10 days old and I am finding it so much easier this time around. It does get easier, i promise.

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 22:34

Lilybolero: ' in honesty, would you really begrudge your dh a night out with his mates to celebrate the baby being born, when the baby was 16 days old?'

Yep I would.

Not now DD2 is few months old. Nor would DH begrudge me the same.

It would all depend on how we were both feeling. If I felt like OP, DH would not want to go out anyway, and vice versa (in theory, hasn't always been like that I'll admit)

Altinkum · 27/08/2010 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:36

the thing about men adjusting only really hit me with dc4 - probably because my older 3 kids were much more aware of the pregnancy than had been the case in previous pregnancies. It really struck me how mum-centred the pregnancy is - you tell the dh that you've got a BFP, and then really for him, although he is aware of physical things affecting you (sickness, tiredness etc), the first time his life is ACTUALLY affected is the day the baby is born, and if born in hospital, sometimes not really until you get home, and then it is full on baby! And I do think they need to be able to escape sometimes, to get their heads round what has happened, and going out with their friends is part of this, especially if they already have kids.

A dad can feel just as overwhelmed and scared as the mum, and if the mum is feeling vulnerable, maybe he doesn't want to burden her with worries he has - how will they cope, is the baby growing ok, what if it gets ill? These are things dh worried about, and his friends were able to say "yes, we ALL felt like that!", and reassure him, in a way I wouldn't have been able to, because I was new to it too. I think comments like 'he is an arse' and calling him a tosser are simply unfair and unkind, and probably unhelpful to the OP who is married to him!

fuschiagroan · 27/08/2010 22:36

YANBU

And Lily, you've been stitched up good and proper. Your H was taking the michael in a big way and you can't even see it...

MrsBrollyhook · 27/08/2010 22:40

I totally feel for you!

I was obviously feeling on some kind of strange hormaonal high when my DD2 was 2 days old and I said it was fine for my OH to go out to wet the baby's head (as he hadn't after our first DD was born).

I was not impressed when he came home, passed out of the sofa and later once me and baby were asleep came to wake me as he'd been sick all over the sofa and needed help to clear up!!!

The next morning I was less than thrilled to have 3 babies to look after - 2 days old, 21 months and 31 years.

Men never seem to grow up!!!!

Animation · 27/08/2010 22:40

The baby has colic problems!! - and that's bloody hard work coping on your own - needs two parents there on an evening.

When the colic problems stop - yeah - then you can think about having a night out Hmm

MrsRhettButler · 27/08/2010 22:44

'stitched up'
'left alone with a 16 day old baby'
'needs support'

its one baby! i'm pretty sure we've all spent at least one evening alone with a baby before! they're not always gonna be pervect and gurgly and dp can't always be there to hold her hand...

i understand why she feels upset but its not her dps fault, she didn't even tell him not to go! tbh i wouldn't have friends to stay though

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 22:45

Altkin - I don't know anyone who has had a baby shower, and the vast majority of women I know turned down a leaving night for maternity leave and went out for lunch and then home for an early night! I think you are over-stating the case for female baby-related jollies.

After we had DS, DH and I celebrated together - generally at home - with our friends and families. DH had plenty of new dad discussions, but didn't find it necessary to go to the pub to have them.

MrsRhettButler · 27/08/2010 22:46

*perfect

MadAboutQuavers · 27/08/2010 22:50

Anna, YANBU.

However, I don't think your DP is being an arse, he just needs to realise that life for you both is now different. Tell him to come home by closing time and that he's got some work to do.

Lily, it sounds like you have a very low expectation of men. They are capable of dealing quite well with much more than you seem to think.

It definitely sounds like your DH was taking the piss when you had your DC's!

amberleaf · 27/08/2010 22:52

I agree 100% with lilybolero

That said i dont think UABU, i think the big issue here is you have friends coming when you could really do without it, I hope they arent staying overnight?? please tell me the're not!

also agree with Mrsrhettbutler