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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally livid that my OH is out wetting the baby's head....

127 replies

AnnaAndBump · 27/08/2010 20:33

Is it wrong for me to feel hugely angry and quite upset that my OH is out wetting the baby's head whilst I am sat here holding said screaming baby. DD is 16 days old and my OH only went back to work on Wednesday and since then I have been struggling to keep my head above water, something he is aware of, yet he has still chosen to go out tonight. The house is a tip, the fridge is empty and we have friends coming up for the weekend tomorrow. Is it wrong of me to begrudge him a night out... as I feel like ringing him up and dragging him back if the crying continues much longer (and he only left the house 15 mins ago!!)

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 21:45

Lily - seriously?!

'I think it's really important that men are able to have a bit of time away from the house with friends after a baby is born'.

Aww, poor ickle man can't cope with becoming a father?

You are right, it is a huge culture shock for both parents. And IMO it is something that new parents should support each other through - not the new mum being taking on the role of parent to both new baby AND new dad by saying 'there there dear, you've done enough I'm sure you need to go out for a pint or 5'.

I thank God when I read these kind of threads that my DH is not the kind of man to have wanted to leave me struggling for a minute longer than needed.

semicolon · 27/08/2010 21:47

I remember this feeling when I had DD1. You both go through this huge period of adjustment. I remember feeling really angry every time Dp went out and I couldn't go with him.

I remember phoning Dp 16 times one evening trying to get him home from the pub.

Why not phone and tell him you are knackered and that you need him to get up early with babe, do shopping/cleaning, basic childcare tomorrow morning so you can have a snooze.

That usually gets DP home Wink

semicolon · 27/08/2010 21:51

Funny, now I have DD3, I don't mind if he goes out. But he doesn't seem to want to anymore.

We are both 5 years older and comatose through lack of sleep.

NestaFiesta · 27/08/2010 21:52

YANBU. What a stupid outdated tradition it is. We abstain from alcohol for nine months (or just have sip-ettes now and then) and then the men, who could get as pissed as they want for nine months anyway, seem to have a God given right to go out and get pissed again to celebrate the birth that YOU went through.

Its the ENTITLEMENT that grates on my nerves.
If the shoe was on the other foot there'd be a law against it.

onepieceoflollipop · 27/08/2010 21:55

I did ring dh once in a similar position. It got to 9pm and dd2 was still yelling and I had had enough. To be fair he came straight back. I didn't argue I just told him truthfully I was knackered and couldn't cope.

In your position I would ring my dp/dh and explain calmly and nicely that you cannot cope being on your own all evening and also being hospitable all weekend. Ask him (calmly and nicely) to suggest alternatives. This may or may not include him coming home tonight, but would definitely include him really pulling his weight tomorrow and giving you the equivalent amount of "time off" to rest or whatever. :)

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 21:55

LilyBolero - Hmm

OP - YANBU - I would have rung my DH and told him to come home (did this with DD1 - he wasn't so selfish by the time we got to DD2)

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 27/08/2010 22:00

I hate the stupid bloody head-wetting tradition. mother carries baby for 9 months, mother delivers baby, mother (generally) does majority of child care....father goes out for self-congratulatory piss up.

My BIL asked if DH had been for 'the head-wetting' yet. Suffice to say, the answer was no!

Generally i am not tight with DH, but i draw the line at that!

Altinkum · 27/08/2010 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 22:04

Altinkum - you're telling OP to 'relax'?

I don't remember being able to 'relax' when alone with a newborn crying baby, exhausted and hormonal.

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:04

It's not a question of 'poor ickle man' Hmm, but it is very weird for men I think, simply because they haven't gone through pregnancy. And tbh, what the baby wants is to drink milk and sleep.

I actually think it's really hard for men to maintain friendships after a baby is born - there's always so much to do at home - certainly in our house I find it much easier to see my friends, either during the day, or with the baby - and if dh is in contact with his friends he is more able to help me with the kids, because he is more relaxed.

MN is very anti-men today. Honestly, I'm sure the OP isn't 'poor ickle woman' either. Anna, I hope you're feeling better now.

Poppet45 · 27/08/2010 22:06

If you're breastfeeding please don't follow Lilybolero's suggestion of wine or tea if you think baby is having problems with its digestion. Both will make it a lot worse.... it takes a newborn's liver five days to metabolise the caffiene in a cup of tea, the same amount takes us just three hours. I've been there on both counts with DS and suffered the consequences. Hideous colic for two weeks.
I daren't mention that chocolate can also set them off...
Oh and you're so not being unreasonable. It might take men a wee bit more time to get adjusted to being a dad. Poor widdle poppets who therefore need a drinkie. But they haven't just gone through the delight that is labour and birth so I reckon you're even stevens.

sungirltan · 27/08/2010 22:07

YANBU 100% NBU.

my dh didn't havbe a chance in hell of 'wetting the baby's head' when dd was born and he ended up with over a month off.

this is not the 50's and the men are equally responsible. going to work is not as hard as looking after a nb. it just bloody well isn't (and my dh does a strenuous manual job with long hours)

dh's army mates have tried to suggest going out but every time they did around that time i interjected loudly with 'wetting the baby's head? i'd love it if you took ME out for a drink! when would you like to go?' that shut them up :-)

on a more practical note why don't you ring your (childless?) friend and ask her if she could do some shopping for you etc?

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:08

TheUnmentioned - it's not a case of that, more that her dh has taken his full entitlement of paternity leave to help out, which many men can't or won't, and so I think perhaps it is a bit unreasonable to be 'hugely angry' because he has gone out for an evening.

If the OP had lots of kids to put to bed then yes, she would be utterly reasonable. But I think it's reasonable at 16 days old that an evening with the baby alone is ok.

Anna, this probably isn't very helpful to you, I do honestly remember what it's like to feel vulnerable with a little one. AIBU can be a contentious topic on MN, and I hope you are having a good evening with baby!

sungirltan · 27/08/2010 22:09

lily?? maintain friendships??? the baby is 16 days old!!!

nameymcnamechange · 27/08/2010 22:11

YABU.

The poor man has only gone for a rare night out to celebrate the birth of his baby.

Its miserable when your newborn won't settle for the evening but, be honest, if you could go out for a couple of hours ... you would, wouldn't you?

Your biggest problem is the friend coming for the weekend. Of course you can tell people you don't want them staying for the weekend when you have a 16 day old baby.

galonthefarm · 27/08/2010 22:12

YANBU

But men are men! Send him shopping tomorrow morning and get him to tidy house, especially if he is hungover!! (i have done this!)

A true friend will help you out when they get to you. Ask them to watch baby while you half a bath/ relax by yourself/ have a power nap for half an hour. You will feel loads better.

Alternatively, guilt trip husband into babysitting baby for an evening whilst you go out with your friends. probably not practical for the first few weeks or you will fall asleep with your head on the table (have also done this....) good luck!

Raejj · 27/08/2010 22:12

No. He is an idiot.

shivster1980 · 27/08/2010 22:13

YANBU

You are having visitors for the weekend and you have a 16 day old baby...

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 22:14

LilyBolero - I am so Shock

We live in 2010 FGS!!!

Just because some men are totally rubbish it doesn't mean someone should have to be 'grateful' that their's is slightly less rubbish.

If OP feels she needs more support, she does and she's completely entitled to feel that.

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:14

sungirltan - you can disagree with me, but I think it is REALLY important for men to see their friends. Having a baby is such an intense thing, and a mother (I certainly found this) becomes totally absorbed in the baby. It can be really lonely for the father, especially in the first few weeks. If the mum is b/feeding then it's hard to feel part of caring for the baby, although obviously they CAN help with other things. And if they are like ds3 they can feed really most of the time.

You can sneer at me all you like, I don't think at 16 days it is unreasonable to be out, especially having been around for 2 weeks at the start - it's not like he's refused to help the OP out at all, and I do think it's important for men to maintain a semblance of normality. It's a different experience for them. And far from being 'poor ickle men', I'd like to be considerate to what would make my dh relaxed, in the same way that I hope he would consider what would make me most relaxed.

ruthosaurus · 27/08/2010 22:14

Sounds like he's going through the "head in sand about seriousness of new parenthood" and therefore fairly shit stage that my own DH went through. Mine became inseparable from his PS3 at this stage and took 3 hours on an emergency trip to the chemists to get my antibiotics. I am still fairly annoyed by this...

YANBU and he is being selfish.

And, sorry this comes last, congratulations!

PS If your friend is so keen to come over, she can bloody well help out. If she asks what she can do to help, give her a list of chores and ask her to pick one. Grin

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:15

kittycat - yes we live in 2010 - and it's a time of equality. So men and women alike can consider each other. It's not the 'age of women', though it sometimes feels like it on here.

LilyBolero · 27/08/2010 22:16

Actually, why don't you suggest your friends bring lunch with them? Or something like that - I'm sure they'd be happy to. My best friend and her family came over when ds3 was 1 day old, and brought lunch, and although it was a houseful it was lovely to see them, and very relaxing having lunch made for us all!

kittycat37 · 27/08/2010 22:19

LilyBolero - if only it were a time of equality. I don't think your posts or the OP's bear that out - nor do some of my own experiences.

'age of women' Grin bring it on.

jesuswhatnext · 27/08/2010 22:20

what is this 'men are men' crap?, the point is, it dosent matter how old the child is, the op feels vulnerable, needs a bit of help, love and care and the tosser has fucked off down the pub! he is hardly going to loose touch with his friends in 16 days, ffs, and right now, the two most important people in his life need him at home - he has the rest of his to go down the pub!