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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party

55 replies

matalot · 26/08/2010 23:39

I belong to a mother and baby group, originally met through health visitor. We meet up at each others houses once a month or so. Some mothers I like more than others but we all get on. It is DS's 3rd birthday. I invited all the other children (and parents) in the group round to my house for a small party. I have a small lounge, big dining room (which we have been using as as tudy/ dumping ground while husband sets up his business etc. I have taken today off to clear and tidy dining room ready for party.

Got an email from one of the other mothers who said that she felt my house was not suitable as she needs to manage two children (she has a toddler and a baby) and could we meet at one of the other mums houses which has a playroom, is bigger etc She says the other mum (who she has approached) is fine with it.

I explained that I had worked a lot to clear the room etc but just ended up being quite defensive, and said I would mull it over.

I am aware that I am not the most tidiest of people and work to the 'good enough' principle, perhaps which is why I feel quite (perhaps irrationally) upset . Does this other mum reallyfeel that my house is not tidy/ too small.

AIBU to feel upset over this? How should I respond?

OP posts:

Claw3 · 26/08/2010 23:53

Your house was not suitable because she needs to manage 2 kids

Tell her thank you very much for the offer, but you would like to hold your ds's party at your house (assuming that is what you want to do)

TeamEdward · 26/08/2010 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

womblingfree · 26/08/2010 23:56

So she is saying she doesn't think your home is suitable for your dc's birthday party because she needs to bring an extra child?
Assuming I've read that right then frankly I'd tell her to get stuffed - what a bloody cheek!

Vallhala · 26/08/2010 23:57

How rude!

And how precious of her. I'm stunned at her ill manners and wouldn't hesitate to be just as rude as I told her that she was no longer welcome.

Claw3 · 26/08/2010 23:57

What has the size of your house, got to do with whether or not she can manage her 2 kids?

How many have you invited?

spikeycow · 26/08/2010 23:57

What in the name of arse???!!!!

Original poster

matalot · 26/08/2010 23:59

I think I do. I just wonder whether she
is expressing thoughts that perhaps the other mums are thinking....

I am now feeling quite anxious where before I was v chilled.

I take your point though Claw - must be strong!

OP posts:

Firawla · 26/08/2010 23:59

omg yanbu how rude!!!
obviously your ds party will be in your ds house, not in some other person's house just because they have a playroom! so what she has 2 dc to look after, many people do but i don't see why she can not manage them in yours or anyone's house.. very strange

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 00:00

yanbu
How rude. You've invited her child to a party. She doesn't have to go.
Just don't go - don't be moaning about the venue and trying to change it.

TheCrackFox · 27/08/2010 00:02

YANBU

She sounds very rude and slightly deranged. Who (apart from the host) tries to change the venue of a party?

Mowiol · 27/08/2010 00:03

No you are not unreasonable - this woman and her friend the other Mum are. She is just plain rude and quite frankly sounds judgemental and controlling. Who are they to be "arranging" things like this??
It's your DS's party and you are his mum - you get to say where the party is and you have sent out your invites.
Tell her that you are sorry she thinks your house is unsuitable and that you quite understand if she feels she can't attend but the party will take place at your house as originally planned.

Original poster

matalot · 27/08/2010 00:04

Sorry crossed posts has
I have invited 6 mums (and their children). One of these mums has two children so will bring both. This mum says that she likes this other woman's house because it has a play room so she can put both kids in the playroom where they can do games and she can relax and have a coffee with us in the kitchen. That wasn't how I thought it would work - we would all be together.

I know it sounds mad when I write it down, but she put it across in a very charming, jokey way, explaining how she found it difficult with the little one (age 18months) and managing the older one in small places and thought it would be too much for her and for me to cope with etc/

Normally I would tell her to back off, I just feel that she has been talking to the others....and it is this that makes me feel upset, I think

OP posts:

Claw3 · 27/08/2010 00:05

So your house is usually big enough when you all take turns to meet up at each others houses, now she has one extra child to bring, its too small! How bizarre of her.

If you want a softer approach, than telling her to get stuffed, just tell her your ds wants the party at yours and is expecting there.

Everyone has been to your house before and they come back, time and time again, so dont worry they cant think badly of you or your house.

Mowiol · 27/08/2010 00:08

I'd have thought it was easier to "manage" children in a smaller area - or am I missing soemthing. Easier to keep a close eye on them surely??

Vallhala · 27/08/2010 00:09

FFS! I'm a lone mum who coped with 2 DC born within 19 months of each other from when DD2 was 7 weeks old. I don't own a mansion either, I have dogs and cats and have been known to be somewhat disorganised at home (understatement!).

If she can't cope then the problem is with HER and not you. She's either incredibly precious about little Tarquin and his sibling or a bloody fruitcake.

mumeeee · 27/08/2010 00:10

YANBU. If she can't mange 2 children at your house than she'll just have to not come. It's your DS's birthday party you have it where you want it. A psrty should not be for her to stick her children in a playroom and then have coffee with the mums. A birthday party is for the child whose birthday it is and you are right you should all be together,
Just tell her you are going tohave the party at your house,

Claw3 · 27/08/2010 00:11

How selfish of her, its your ds's party she will just have to put a bit of effort in, rather than using it as relaxing time.

Tell her you are sure you will cope just fine!

YANBU, she is.

Original poster

matalot · 27/08/2010 00:11

But thinking about it Claw - she has only been here once or possibly twice and hasn't come (for various 'reasons') when it has been my turn to host. Am now wondering whether she has had issues with my house for ages.

I like the softer approach line (not brilliant at standing up to some people!)

and yes that is a good point about people coming along to my house most times. I had forgotten that in my angst!

Sometimes I find all these mother and baby politics so tricky....not sure I am suited to it all.

Thanks everyone, will now go off to bed and dream up my carefully worded email

OP posts:

msyikes · 27/08/2010 00:12

I am in disbelief, what a very rude woman! Are you seriously saying that she wants you to hold YOUR DS's 3rd birthday party at someone else's house so she can drink coffee instead of engaging with the kids- at a Birthday party?????
How important is her friendship?
I wouldn't tell her to back off, I would tell her to fuck off!!!!!!!!!

Well, OK I actually wouldn't in RL swear at someone- but if ever there was a case for it!!!!

Mousesmummy · 27/08/2010 00:14

Don't normally respond to these threads but. . . . . WTF!?????
I wouldn't concern yourself with trying to be nice to her, you are a grown up, not a child seeking the approval of a group of peers.
Tell her you are having the party in YOUR house and that she is no longer invited! You'll probably find that half the other mums have encountered at some time her overwhelming arrogance [rant over - sorry!] and will be grateful that someone has finally had the balls to stand up to her.
Enjoy the party!

megapixels · 27/08/2010 00:14

She sounds mad. She can stay home if your house is unsuitable. I can't believe how stupid some people can be.

Original poster

matalot · 27/08/2010 00:15

Not a friend msyikes. Definitely Acquaintance.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/08/2010 00:15

honestly, don't respond at all.

IF she has the stupidity to ask you again about it, laugh in her face and say you didn't think she was being serious and tell her if it's not convenient that you will understand if she is unable to attend.

Stupid, rude, woman!

Claw3 · 27/08/2010 00:17

Matalot, sounds like she is being a bit snobby. As you say, others have been to yours, so i would imagine this is just her idea and not a group idea.

Im guessing she is one of the mums who you dont like as much as some of the others

Have the party at yours, im sure the other mums are fine with it and i hope your ds has a lovely day.

Vallhala · 27/08/2010 00:17

Just wondering... could there be another, real reason? For example, and tbh the only thing I can think of off the top of my head is that you may have pets and she is unhappy about that (going by some posts on here of mums who won't allow their child to go to a house where there is a Staffie for example).

Even so she is still out of order but that might perhaps explain her impolite attitude.

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