Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Birthday party

55 replies

matalot · 26/08/2010 23:39

I belong to a mother and baby group, originally met through health visitor. We meet up at each others houses once a month or so. Some mothers I like more than others but we all get on. It is DS's 3rd birthday. I invited all the other children (and parents) in the group round to my house for a small party. I have a small lounge, big dining room (which we have been using as as tudy/ dumping ground while husband sets up his business etc. I have taken today off to clear and tidy dining room ready for party.

Got an email from one of the other mothers who said that she felt my house was not suitable as she needs to manage two children (she has a toddler and a baby) and could we meet at one of the other mums houses which has a playroom, is bigger etc She says the other mum (who she has approached) is fine with it.

I explained that I had worked a lot to clear the room etc but just ended up being quite defensive, and said I would mull it over.

I am aware that I am not the most tidiest of people and work to the 'good enough' principle, perhaps which is why I feel quite (perhaps irrationally) upset . Does this other mum reallyfeel that my house is not tidy/ too small.

AIBU to feel upset over this? How should I respond?

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 27/08/2010 00:18

Seriously, she is very, very rude!

If she has spoken to the other Mums I'll bet they're also shocked at her rudeness.

unbelievable!

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 00:22

Like LittleMIssHissyFit says, you don't have to respond at all.

Original poster

matalot · 27/08/2010 00:25

Valhalla -
No pets or smokers or anything else I can think of - the house is a bit worn (old wallpaper etc we bought it off an old lady and just haven't got the cash to do it up), still has old lady style carpet etc.

Reasonably tidy. Although struggle with bits of papers and toys.

Small kitchen (come to think about it - she did mention the kitchen as 'we won't be all able to sit in the kitchen')

Deep breaths again.

Thanks Chipmonkey and others, your posts have helped strengthen my resolve (and backbone.)

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 00:33

kitchen, coffee, ignoring the DCs in the playroom
...she hasn't quite got that it's a birthday party and not a usual meet-up/coffee morning chat thingie has she?

Vallhala · 27/08/2010 00:33

My knee jerk reaction is to start my reply with "Daring... " but I'll get an MN bollocking so I won't!

Instead... Matey, she hasn't been invited to your house so she can judge your wallpaper or carpets. She's been invited to a child's party, the rude cow! If you feel she is judging your home all the more reason tp tell her to get lost.

(And go to her house at the next meet-up and say in slightly over loud tones how you feel modern carpets are so vulgar these days and how you sometimes wonder if children are getting enough TLC when the mother's house is so neat and tidy devoid of the bits and pieces of paperwork, books on the side and things that make it a home despite the house being so roomy. Oh, and don't these big rooms strike you as so cold and impersonal...!).

gtamom · 27/08/2010 07:47

YANBU, but she is, as well as incredibly rude.

I wouldn't even bring it up if you see her before then, if she does, just tell her you are not changing the location, then change the subject quickly, or better yet, walk away.
Don't let her spoil anything for you, she was way out of line to suggest such a thing.

AT1137 · 27/08/2010 07:57

She sounds so rude, I would be really offended and upset if someone said that to me so you ANBU!!! I'd just say you're having the party at YOUR house and that if she doesn't think there is room then she doesn't have to come. I think she is sooo cheeky, especially to have spoken to the other mum and tried to re-organise your party elsewhere!! I think you'd have a better party without her to be honest!

TheChewyToffeeMum · 27/08/2010 08:06

She is being a cow - how dare she suggest that your house is not good enough for your own child's party? I agree don't change your plans, don't say anything to her unless she asks. If she does ask just say "No, we want to have it here".

AnneTwacky · 27/08/2010 08:08

Don't do anything.

The party is at your house and if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't have to. Shame for her dc missing out, though.

I would contact the mum with the playroom though and explain that the party's still at yours and that "Hyacinth" was acting off her own back and not on your authority.

PS Happy Birthday to DS

BeerTricksPotter · 27/08/2010 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myleetlepony · 27/08/2010 08:25

You need to contact the other mums, just to make sure this one doesn't rearrange your party and present you with a fait accompli. Tell her the party is going ahead at your house, and of course it will be much more convenient that way as you are hosting it.

SonicMiddleAge · 27/08/2010 08:29

WE just had dds third party. Seven friends of dds, all but with with a younger sib who came. No one was sitting in our kitchen drinking coffee! (Never crossed my mind it was becasue it was too small though!)

mnistooaddictive · 27/08/2010 08:32

YANBU she is rude and if she has a problem she doesn't have to come.

Hope your party goes well.

PlanetEarth · 27/08/2010 08:49

The kids are 3! They need at least one parent, maybe more, to supervise and play with them. You will be supervising. So basically she wants to come and sit in your kitchen and have a chinwag with some of the other mums while you do all the work?

(Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing all the work at parties I've organised, but I don't expect other parents to see it primarily as a social event for them).

gobsmackedetal · 27/08/2010 08:50

It sounds like she wants to go to a playarea and ignore her children, not to a birthday party

NestaFiesta · 27/08/2010 08:50

If this were a wedding invitation, would you ever say, we'd love to come but I've been talking to another guest and we think you should have it elsewhere. No, you wouldn't, because its bloody rude.

If she can't manage two kids in a house without a playroom then it says more about her parenting than about your house.

Just reply and say the birthday boy wants it at home, what can you do, can't disappoint him etc..

Anwyay, don't worry about old carpet and wallpaper- its not old matalot, its vintage. You sound like good folk to me.

gobsmackedetal · 27/08/2010 08:56

shouldn't have goteen defensive in the first place, but there's time to change that.

If I was you I'd send a polite and kinda formal email saying "the party will go ahead as planned, we're looking forward to seeing you".

My MIL (mother of 4) has a wise poster on her wall saying "if you want to see me pop in any time, if you want to see my house please make an appointment".

SocialButterfly · 27/08/2010 09:06

Mad a a box of frogs! Who in their right mind would ask a host to change a childrens party venue to suit them

She sounds like a snobby cow who wants to dump her kids in a play room and swan off to have coffee without them - not at all what a kids party is about. I'd tell her its going to be at yours and she can decide if she wants to come or not.

Regarding the other friend with the playroom - she probably said something along the lines "if matalot wants to hold the party at your house would that be ok?" and the other lady wouldnt really be able to say no - I doubt they have all been talking about your housekeeping skills, its really not an issue to most normal people!

DetectivePotato · 27/08/2010 09:17

Bloody hell.

What a cheek she has. Basically she doesn't want to have to look after her DCs and wants to dump them in the playroom so she can fuck off and drink her coffee in peace!

Tell her its your DS's party, not a social gathering for the mums and you would like to have the party at your own house thank you very much (in a very snippy tone). Tell her if she feels that your house isn't suitable, then she can feel free to decline the invite.

I am totally at the pure nerve of this woman.

I doubt the other mums will be thinking the same way. This woman would be in the minority of people and her reasons are totally selfish.

ViveLeCliche · 27/08/2010 09:18

Firstly, however..er.."wittily" she put it, she is extremely rude and selfish.

I can understand your worries about the mums talking but I think you can diffuse this and show the other mum up to be being unreasonable and selfish, without having to stick the boot in, all with the use of UTTER BEWILDERMENT

Don't email her back yet. Do a bit more subtle digging for information on what has happened.

I would contact the other mum who is now apparently 'hosting' your DS's party and say not sure what's happened but X mum appears to have unilaterally changed your party venue to her house and that you just wanted to contact her to say sorry, not your idea at all, not sure what has gone on but didn't for one moment want her to think this was anything to do with you and that, of course, you will be having party at your house, (and thank her for even entertaining the idea but you'd never be so rude, hope she can take it as a compliment on her house being so nice and spacious! Even have a joke about your house being the house where it doesn't matter so much if the carpet gets ruined because (a) it's got to go sometime; (b) the patterns hide the stains!). Check whether she and her DC can make it, reconfirm details etc.

I suspect that even if nothing overt is said about X mum (and you don't want to get into bitching) the other mum and you will have an implicit understanding that what X mum has done is very odd, to say the least.

If X is the kind of mum to want to be drinking coffee in the kitchen all the time, I shouldn't wonder if this hasn't been noticed by other mums. V tiresome when someone treats other people's houses like a fricking creche. Believe me, if you think the other mums are gossiping about your housekeeping standards or old lady carpet, a lazy mum who expects others to supervise her children or considers herself off duty at others' houses will soon trump that - if it hasn't already.

Then ring round the other mum's, reconfirm date, invite etc.

And when you have done all that, email X mum back to say you've thanked the other mum for the offer but you wouldn't dream of asking someone else to host your DS's party, pretend that you think she is trying to help YOU out by moving venue so thank her for that but it wouldn't be helpful because (a) you've already prepared at your house and (b) you don't want to have to drag over food/games etc to prepare at other mum's house so would actually be much more work for you. Besides which DS is v much excited at thought of party at his house.

X Mum will have to have a neck of brass (which she may well do) to email back to explicitly, clearly, absolutely (no witticisms) say No you have misunderstood. I want you to move your DSs party for MY convenience not yours. In which case you'll be really sorry they can't make it.

Hope it works out, and good luck with the party. Then just enjoy focusing on making party as fun and house as welcoming as possible. There's loads of good threads on here about parties (and easing the pain thereof).

(sorry for length - typing equivalent of verbal diarrhea)

Original poster

matalot · 27/08/2010 22:25

Well I had an interesting day. Phoned the Mum who had been asked to host the party. She was very very embarassed, and said that she hoped I didn't mind, but would actually prefer to have it at mine (she has decorators)and had said yes without thinking it through.. Neither of overtly bitched, but there was some understanding.

I then did as ViveLeCliche advised and emailed the Mum who had raised the issues with DS's party in very much the way described. Got an email back earlier this evening which said that she quite understood. She then gave a few hints that she may have to cancel anyway, preparing the ground I think.

I am now quite resolved and a bit calmer and have had a big gin. She's not a friend, and I don't feel the need to defend my non show home house. and yes we will all have a good time tomorrow!
thanks

OP posts:

zingzillachinchilla · 27/08/2010 22:34

Great result! Hope party goes well

kickassangel · 27/08/2010 22:48

if i were the mum with the play room i'd be mighty pissed off that someone else a) considered my house as a free babysitting environment and b) roped me into her madness.

excellent result
enjoy the party

LutyensCBA · 27/08/2010 23:04

Glad you've sorted things out matalot, but just wanted to add one more shocked face . How bloody rude of the silly woman! How could she even think she could arrange YOUR child's party? The mind boggles!

Like you say, I won't be surprised if something "comes up" on the day of the party preventing her from coming. And you know what? That will be just fantastic because you won't have to worry about the silly bint sitting in a corner and judging your house.

Don't feel bad about your house. I would come

Claw3 · 27/08/2010 23:12

Matolot, glad you got it sorted.

Flip

1 2 3