to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

I'm calling it as I find it. I think that's the point of aibu?

I am fully prepared to work the hours I am contracted to do, I will also when I return spend plenty of time working from home checking and responding to emails and carrying out other duties which I'm not expected to do, I have just always done it. I do not see a jolly in London as an obligation to be honest and no, I am not prepared to leave my baby who is very dependent on me still for a period of 19 hours.People seem to be misunderstanding me, I am not saying I want to skive off work. If I say I have a hospital appointment for 2 hours on the morning of the day of the conference I will certainly make that time up and more.

We have tried and tried with all different sorts of bottles, time and again, from me and DH, he simply will not take them.

cherry - I think this probably was the wrong topic to put your thread in, macdoodle has a point in that. However, regardless of anything else, ds is going to have to take a bottle at nursery, do you have some strategies for that?

Well, I would tell them the truth. Calmly, reasonably and without getting emotional. Don't be apologetic or anything - approach the situation in a way that makes the organisation accept some responsibility for your son's welfare. I wouldn't normally advocate this as I have strong 'your kids, your responsibility' attitude.... but your employers are expecting a lot of you given your current situation.

Chances are your boss will be so scared at the prospect of discussing your breastfeeding routine he'll tell you to just do whatever makes things work for you!

But I would still be fully prepared to go, and do everything in my power to organise it smoothly in the meantime, should my employers insist I must attend.

But Cherry, you are contracted to do the hours required for this conference, whether it's important in your view or not. You said that (sorry, I'm paraphrasing here) your contract states the main hours and others as necessary. These are other hours which the company seems to consider necessary.

Manic, I see no point in you reading aibu at all if you do not even seem able to understand my predicament and get confused about my motives, you then call me lame....

I have plenty experience with childcare/work issues and I have always been honest when I have had to take time off for child related issues. But I do not want to risk a possible altercation with my employer by being honest, sometimes a lie is quicker and easier all round, that's life I'm afraid!

I expect ds to have a breastfeed in the morning, then he will have breakfast and lunch and if he needs anything in between he will drink expressed milk from a beaker, which he is happy to take.

Definitely the wrong topic - AIBU just brings out the worst in people unfortunately.

Perhaps post in bf to get some suggestions aobut bottles or re-assurance that they may not be necessary at all.

Presume you've tried cups etc.

For what its worth - DD took weeks and weeks before she'd take a bottle - just was a lot of perseverance but she was nearly 12 months by then.

Good luck.

Cherry, maybe I'm a cynical old bag but I wouldn't buy the excuse. I would think it mightily coincidental that you have an unmoveable hospital appt on the day you are required to do some out of hours work for the company.

Besides, lying is not always quicker and easier - it can get you into a frightful mess if you get caught out or quizzed too heavily.

OP, tribpot has a good point - if DS will need to take a bottle at nursery, how will you manage that? And if he can take a bottle at nursery, then surely he will take one at home.

I do understand how awful you feel about this - I returned to work when my DTDs were 11 months and felt awful. I only did 6 weeks, then I gave up. But, having read your posts carefully, I really think this is more about you than about your son's wellbeing.

You will need to work on this if you are going to be happy at work - you can't ditch work every time it means your DP will have to put DS to bed.

I think you've made your decision already Cherry! :)

I alsp think that TheBolter has a very good point. Your excuse will sound highly convenient and may well put you in a difficult position in the future as a result. You may have to consider how much the job means to you - is it merely a job in order to pay the bills or is it a career, where you are looking eventually to extend your hours and be promoted? If its the latter I'd be very wary of telling what could easily be seen as an obvious lie at this early stage.

cherry think I've been quite reasonable in my posts. If it's easier for you to keep having a go at me instead of listening to the variety of views on here that's ok. I'm a big girl and I understand sometimes it's hard to hear things we don't like and ifs easier to focus on some one or something else.

Hope you get things sorted out without damaging your career or your homelife.

I am struggling to see how anyone can think this is more about me, honestly. If it were about me, I would go and to be honest enjoy a couple of days in London!I did it often enough pre ds, and enjoyed it!

But I know my ds simply would not cope if I was away for that amount of time, I know it's typical mumsnet style to pick people's OPs apart and find hidden agendas and call the OP a liar - genuinely, what I have said is how it is- I do not want to leave my son as I don't think it is the right thing for him. It really IS that simple.

TheBolter has a very good point. I'm not sure I'd buy the excuse either. I really think being honest is a far better idea. Just a straight forward "I've been thinking about this conference, and while obviously I really want to go it is going to be very difficult as I am still breastfeeding. Would it be ok if I missed it just this once?"

If they seem uncertain you then go into the details of what you'll need to make it work if they want you to go. At which point it becomes way too much hassle and they say "no you're right, skip it."

The thing with work is we all think we're all so important. But we're not. If you're not an integral part of running the day then nobody is really going to care if you're not there. But if you don't tell them and lie, they'll see it and moan about you.

I wouldn't lie, but I do think the hours are totally excessive. Like others have said i couldn't do those and function properly at work for several days afterwards.
FWIW I've been to very few conferences that were essential for work, lots that were great fun, interesting or good for a bit of networking, but I can't think of one essential one.
All mine were bf at this age and refused totally to take a bottle. They were not fine being left with DH, or my mother or anyone else, they could manage during nursery/childminding hours but the odd time i had to leave them overnight they and their carer had some fairly horrible nights.
i would either be upfront and say you can't go, or go and take your baby - my oldest came to a four day conference in germany at about the same age as your little one (and he's nearly 17 so was fine then) and sat through all the sessions, including one I chaired. If he did get restless i slipped out the back for a brief period to settle him. Did similar things with the other three and it was fine, and have had loads of positive comments over it across the years.

Agree the lie may seem very convenient.

From a purely practical POV, if he will take milk from a beaker why can't he have that in the morning and evening if (on this occasion or any other) you are unable to be there?

Oh manic, get over yourself, I'm a big girl too, I'm just pointing out that you don't really seem to understand my basic dilemma and for reasons best known to yourself seem determined to misinterpret my post to make me appear lazy and selfish....says more about you than me...sorry if that's hard for YOU to hear.

Thanks LeninGrad, much appreciated.

I totally agree with thebolter. If I was your manager I wouldn't believe you had a convenient hospital appointment on the day of the conference.

I really wouldn't lie if I were you.

cherry, it's about you in the sense that your ds wouldn't die if you did it, and probably wouldn't be that much upset, if I'm completely honest, for a single night. If he didn't sleep at all (extremely unlikely, to be fair) he'd be extraordinarily grumpy but not scarred for life.

But. I think is a fairly massive upheaval for a very young family and there could be weeks of repercussions in terms of routine upset etc that simply aren't worth it for a jolly. So in that sense it's about ds, why upset him for this if it can be avoided?

Cherry - I think this comes down to two things you've said:

"I know my ds simply would not cope if I was away"

and

"I do not want to leave my son"

Really, I do understand, but I think the second point there is by far the most important in your mind. Of course you don't want to leave him - he's 7 months old.

BUT since you are choosing to go back to work, you have to get over that - I don't mean that in a nasty way, but you do - you can't be with him all the time and also be at work. And he will cope without you. You may not think so, but he will. What's the worst that can happen? DP has a tough night? DP feels tired and DS doesn't settle particularly easily. It's not going to harm him.

My manager manages about 25 people and to be honest is likely to have forgotten about the fact I am not coming within five minutes of the conversation taking place - I've worked with this person for a long time and they are far too busy to think twice about it!

Thanks LeninGrad.