to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

No personal attack
I THINK she is being ridiculous, thats MY opinion!
And I wouldnt be impressed if she was in a job with some responsibility, that she even considers lieing so she can put her baby to bed, sorry thats my opinion, and this is AIBU! If she wanted hand holding, then best post in feeding/parenting or even chat!

Ummmmmm, the OP didnt mention negotiation, she asked if she was BU to lie to work, I think she is !

macdoodle I don't think anyone's said you shouldn't have an opinion. But the manner in which you have expressed it is a little confrontational which isn't really necessary.

And if you look at the thread you'll see not everyone has agreed with the OP - self included.

OP is the hotel and nursery a problem/

Is there anyone else at home who can give your baby the expressed milk?

The best way to do it is probably to do an overnight stay the night before (taking baby and family member) and then see if you can leave the conference early, before the evening event.

Put this plan to your manager - they will see that you have compromised and may be willing to compromise in return.

I have just read my first post, its not confrontational IMO!

Macdoodle I think that is really harsh. What if the OP's baby doesn't take a bottle and has to go all day without a feed when barely weaned. I think your response is OTT and unhelpful.

I think an employer with a sense of morality and responsibility should make reasonable allowances for new mothers, especially one so soon going back to work. It's in an employers interest to look after their staff as much as staff have a responsibility to their job. But this is just a job FFS compared with a baby's well being.

Op is being precious, but I think its her first and it IS scary leaving them for the first time

have to laugh at macdoodle, the @sacred cow@ of BF, so true!!!!

Oh whatever
My point, made in my usual manner (which may be slightly bolshy ), was that lieing to your employers so you can put your baby to bed is IMO unreasonable! I did not say she couldnt discuss it with them, but lieing

You have a good point. But it got lost a bit in the "slight bolshy"

I think in the OP's defence, this is a PFB, she hasn't yet started back to work and (I would guess) has probably never been separated from her ds for any length of time. I know how difficult I found it when I went back to work when ds was 5 months, FF and home with his dad all day. I would have found it tremendously difficult to have left him for that length of time only 2 weeks after going back to work.

And it doesn't sound like the conference is that important - more of a jolly? (I didn't know anyone still did those in these days of austerity). Sounds like a pretty miserable first experience of being away from her ds.

I wasn't breast feeding but a while ago applied for a training course (which turned out to be in london for a week - i live in the midlands).

I got my work to agree to pay for my train fair everyday to and from london as I couldn't manage childcare if away from monday to friday.

I did point out that as the main childcarers, as many women are, they would be indirectly discriminating against me if they didn't make any provision.

I would talk to them. Go with a solution, for example paying for you to stay the night before in a hotel so you can take the baby and organising childcare for the day of the conference.

I wouldn't lie but I'd be worried too.

Have bf 3 dc's - still bf dd and the first two would take a bottle and go to bed beautifully at 7pm.

However DD at 7 months needed to be fed to sleep by me and was still waking frequently for feeds. So god knows what I'd have done.

Could you try getting your DH to give baby a bedtime bottle?

And also - yes you're probably going to need to express a bit when you're there or you'll be very sore and I think your employer needs to make sure theres somewhere for you to do that.

Thanks for all the supportive posts though I accept not everyone agrees with me. We have tried and tried to get DS to take a bottle and a dummy and he will have neither - if only he would it would be much easier.

I'm not being ridiculous macdoodle, I want to do what is best for my baby. If my not attending the conference was going to cost my company money or would scupper a huge deal then I would feel bad about considering lying, but it is more of a jolly, I don't imagine I would learn much from it, and I will actually save my employer money on fares, etc by not going.

You've given me plenty of options to think about, all those who replied, thanks for those who posted supportively.

I would second the idea of telling them that you can't get childcare for that length of time and also about the problems leaving at 3am and not getting home till 11pm would cause because you're breastfeeding.

Honestly, speak to your employer rather than lying. If it is more of a jolly surely they won't mind you missing it? Have they indicated that they might insist you have to go?

No to be fair they could well say that it's fine not to go. But I don't want to get into a big fight with them if they say I have to go.

OP, you don't sound as though you particularly WANT to work with your employer or your colleagues over this. And lying is simply wrong, on so many levels. Many of your other colleagues will be travelling a long way, and no doubt have domestic responsibilities too.
I would suggest taking a positive approach with your manager - a 3 am start is clearly ridicolous, so you and baby would be better off spending the night before the conference at a hotel nearby with childcare arranged for the duration of the actual conference. You need to present this to your manager as you working to positively get to the event, and spelling out also the breaks you will need during the day for expressing. You should also have discussed your risk assessment in detail as soon as you return to work, so the issues are not coming as a shock. Most managers are delighted when staff present a solution to a problem, rather than sulking or lying.

so this is 5 weeks away?

i think it's unreasonable you are having to get up at 3am to get there in the first place. no decent employer would suggest that. how far away is the conference? is everyone else quite happy with such an early start? where i am we are not expected to travel more than 2 hours, otherwise we get overnight hotel before hand.

if they could offer the hotel before hand how about you ask how much extra to upgrade to double (though they normally are a double anyway) and take dh with you with the baby. problem solved. this is assuming your dh can take the time off, annual leave?

I don't see that I can ask them to arrange childcare for the duration of the conference. I wouldn't want to leave him with someone he doesn't know.

It's not that I don't want to work with them over this - I just want to do what is best for my ds, who comes first, and I don't think it's to the detriment of my employer. Me not attending.

if not dh, someone else (your mum?) who can look after baby during confernce. might be a nice trip away for them

I am very far away so would either have to get up at 3am to go or stay the night the night before which would mean another bedtime for DS without me. DH unlikely to get the time off work unfortunately as we did think of all going.

Cherry - I'd just phone your boss or HR and let them know you'll be bf on your return to work and ask for them to carry out the necessary risk assesment.

Hopefully the conference could then be discussed in this context.

And I'm not surprised you don't want to hand your baby over to some random childcarer at the hotel.

I guess the other thing to consider is how regular a feature of your working life this is likely to be. Even when ds is too old to need bfing to sleep, it's very hard to be away from dc unless you have an impeccable support system.

How do other mothers at your firm manage?

I seriously doubt they will say you have to go. But you do have to be straight with them about the problems it will cause, because it won't be the only time something like this comes up.

I had to do something similar recently. I had quite bad pregnancy sickness, not hyperemesis bad, but enough to make a specific part of my job very difficult to fulfil. I spoke to my line manager about it and he arranged for me not to have do it while I was feeling sick.

I could have lied about my situation and come up with another reason, but being honest was by far the better policy. Now I know in future if a similar situation I can do the same. And my line manager knows I'm not taking the piss.