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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that only a mother of solely young female children would have reacted like this?

199 replies

OrmRenewed · 21/08/2010 22:12

On holiday DD went for a hack at a stables. DH had taken the boys to the beach while she had her ride and they came back about 15 mins before she finished. I had a chat with one of the women who ran the place while I was waiting - she had a 6yr old DD. Just before DD was due to get back to the stables she went out into the yard. She came back a few seconds later, aghast, to say in a voice of horror 'there are two boys outside playing with plastic swords....!' DH said ' er yes, those'll be mine' and went out to remove them. She looked a bit uncertain and said 'Well, it's just the horses... you know...?'

AIBU to think that only a mother of girls only would have reacted like that? Anyone else would have felt the need to have finished the sentence with some further explanation, such as '..and they have poked each other's eyes out' or 'they have severed limbs' or even 'they have started a riot amongst the ponies'?

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 21/08/2010 23:09

But if you wer on holiday, how do you know in detail what temperament each horse had ? As previously mentioned, even the most placid 'plooding' horse can spook and it's fark all to do with the fact that it's a boy child waving a sword or a girl child waving an erm I dunno - a tiara ? Are you familiar with horses ?

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 21/08/2010 23:10

Yes sassy, I am familiar with horses.

They were nowhere near where the horse were going to be.

OP posts:
FlyMeToDunoon · 21/08/2010 23:11

I have three girls and no boys but hey guess what I see, meet, talk to and gasp even let my children play with boys. They are not a foreign species to me and I would have thought this woman may have had some experience of them too since she runs a stables.
Seems to me the sword play was worrying her not particularly the gender of the children.

wigglesrock · 21/08/2010 23:12

Ps what's a "hack"? in relation to horses /stables

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 21/08/2010 23:14

A ride out. Rather than a lesson in the arena. Will usually involve walking, trotting or cantering as neccessary.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/08/2010 23:20

Thank you, almost feel virtuous in having learnt a new word, feels that some of my brain has been restored after watching X Factor earlier.

autodidact · 21/08/2010 23:23

Hester! Am so excited and happy to read your post proclaiming that you are the mother of 2 girls! I'm assuming your lovely new daughter has joined the family and that is wonderful news! I hope it's going really well and she is settling in and your older daughter is enjoying the world of big sisterdom. Many congratulations to the whole family.

Sorry for highjack, Orm.

LibertyGibbet · 21/08/2010 23:28

Well my 3yr old dd has spent most of today with Blomphus the Bear (imaginary), hacking at the Bed Monster (imaginary) with her foam sword. This was before putting a lot of worms in a bucket to 'see what they would do'. Yesterday she was Brave Brave Brave Sir Tilda and slayed an army in order to free a prince from a turret. She is 3. She doesn't yet understand that she's supposed to conform to a stereotype.

I think unexpected, noisy, aggressive behaviour around horses was the problem.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 21/08/2010 23:32

Yes, my DD does things like that too liberty. She is a dyed in the wool tomboy. But at age 11 there is a clear difference between her and her brothers in the way she relates to other people. It's interesting to observe.

And it wasn't 'around horses' as I might have mentioned before.

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 21/08/2010 23:42

I have once encountered a woman who had a girl the same age as my son (he was about 18 mos at the time), who told me she thought my son was rather boisterous. This made me roar with laughter since, at the time, DS was the gentlest child I knew, and less physically advanced than his male - AND female - peers! I didn't interpret it as a SMOG thing, though, I just thought the woman was a wuss.

Now I have one of each and I am determined not to let my DD become labelled in the sicky pink/ wet girl stereotype. FGS, women give birth; what more evidence do you need of our strength?!

LibertyGibbet · 21/08/2010 23:43

I presume because you're on holidays you don't know the workings of the stables and if it's out in the yard, you don't know if horses might be led through at any time. And her stables, her rules really.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's only the sort of thing that a mother of girls would say. A good friend of mine has 2 boys and she doesn't like rough play at all and his horrified by dd and her acrobatics.

I have my godchildren staying atm (12yr old girl, 10yr old boy) and yes their genders do make a difference of course they do but of course I see how differently they are also treated by other people simply because of their gender.

octopusinabox · 22/08/2010 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 22/08/2010 00:55

Please could somebody persuade my dd that as a daughter she should behave in a more polite and lady like manner.

I keep reading about these SMOGs and wondering why my daughter is making slug pies and hitting me over the head with inflatable mallets

SMOGs are simply a construct of DMOBs IMO Grin

sunny2010 · 22/08/2010 03:04

I have never experienced this my daughter has sword fights and is rough as you come, just as I did and every other child in my area both boy or girl.

I work with kids and my daughter is by far rougher than any of the boys I have ever worked with.

differentnameforthis · 22/08/2010 03:09

I think she was worried about the horses reaction to any potential noise.

My dd2 is 2 & her crying/yelling etc can spook the horses where dd1 has lessons. She is hard to keep quiet & loves the horses, but she makes the neighing sound & they seem to hate it. So we no longer take her unless absolutely unavoidable.

I don't think it had anything to do with the sex of her children, spooked horses are unpredictable & scary!

sunny2010 · 22/08/2010 03:13

I do think it is a posh area thing to think that girls dont act rough and tumble. They definitely do if they are brought up the same. I think it is more of an upper middle class thing to treat boys and girls differently.

gobsmackedetal · 22/08/2010 06:32

OP, I think you assume that a bi part of your children's behaviour is due to their gender. Could be age, order of birth or simply the character traits they were born with and they have nowt to do with gender.

You'd beed hundrend's of children to carry out a valid study about gender0based behaviour, and even then it can be biased

gobsmackedetal · 22/08/2010 06:34

let's try again: "you'd need hundrends of children to carry out a valid study about gender based behaviour, and even then it could be biased " Blush

ragged · 22/08/2010 07:27

yanbu.
It sounds like it was the way the woman said "boys" that indicated her true bias.

My girl would have been out there bashing sticks around with her brothers, mind :).

If the woman had a problem she should have approached the boys and asked them not to bash the sticks around like that there and then, or she could have asked OP "Are those your boys? Could you ask them to stop because...". It's the way she came back in and moaned about it that suggests it was beyond her to even believe what they were up to, much less find a solution.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 22/08/2010 10:33

Can Orm say again - in a slightly LOUDER voice please - that the horses were out on a hack and not actually in the yard, and that the boys posed no threat whatsoever?!!

I would imagine that the sound of X number of horses coming back up the lane would have alerted her DH to the fact that several skitterish horses were on their way, and 2 little boys waving plastic swords around should be stopped with immediate effect.

SMOGs are definitely NOT the construct of DMOBs. Having mixed sex children it's been very interesting to watch the hysteria amongst some (not all) women when boys appear and frighten their little princesses!

colditz · 22/08/2010 10:47

SMOGs are NOT a construct of DeMOBs

They do exist.

Mothers of boys only agree with me.

mothers of boys AND girls agree with me - especially those who have more than 3 children in total, and more than one boy.

The worst offenders are those with 2 little girls with a 2 year age gap - they've "had two children, and so can prove it's all in the upbringing, and there is just no need for children to be not standing still/picking their noses/laughing at body part words/not communicating nicely/disliking colouring in, and clearly the DeMOBS are just defending Poor Parenting, and if they just tried a little harder, their sons would really appreciate colouring pictures of Cinderella with my daughters..."

And you can talk about hormones and neurological differences all you like, they don't believe you because their child's behavior is considered desirable and your child's behavior isn't.

One day, I would love to turn the rules around for the day. Sitting cloouring would be considered disruptive and antisocial, standing still would mean "there must be something wrong with that child, take her to the doctor and see if they'll give you anything to liven her up, it's not normal!", complaining about friendship problems would mean the child is "socially inept" .... not that these things are 'bad^ - but I'm fed up with the problems associated with raising girls aren't pathologised to the point of intervention in the same with that the problems associated with rasing boys.

At the moment, everything to do with being a male under 18 is seen as bad. moving around a lot, having messy handwriting, having a loud voice - all bad, or worse, all 'treatable'.

Sitting still, not throwing a ball hard enough to bat, objecting to rough-housing and not voicing your complaints loud enough to be heard properly - all 'because of boys'.

I'm fed up with it.

colditz · 22/08/2010 10:50

And if you have a little girl who does enjoy rolling around on the floor and throwing things, and does it well, you're screwed!

"Ewwww, she's just like a boy!" the SMOG will wail.

sunny2010 · 22/08/2010 10:51

colditz - In my area I see 3 and 4 year old girls and boys climbing trees on their own, play fighting with sticks, reanacting the wwe wrestling, spiderman etc.

Having worked with many children girls are just as likely to bite, kick, actually fight, simulate fighting, be loud, run around, make a mess etc. I think it must only coming from people not particularly experienced with dealing with a range of children on a daily basis.

FranSanDisco · 22/08/2010 10:57

YANBU, would she have said 'two girls playing with swords' aghast. It was the 'two boys' that indicated her dislike of the creatures. I know such mothers and they are bores in their judgey pants Smile.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 22/08/2010 11:00

Excellent post Colditz - all so true

My sister is the original SMOG - in tears at the thought of having boys, who relishes the quietness of her household and who was horrified when the sons of 2 friends who were reluctantly invited to one of her DD's craft parties spent the whole time not making baskets of flowers, preferring instead to run around and make noise. I know there are plenty of girls who don't like craft parties either, but equally I can't think of a single boy who would actively choose a craft party.