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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down a full-time job and let my DH support me?

155 replies

SassySusan · 19/08/2010 21:35

DH works full-time and I work part-time (2 1/2 days a week). We are comfortable financially, and don't get any state benefits.

My boss has offered to make my job full-time. There is no practical reason I couldn't do the hours. DH says it's up to me whether I want to do the f/t hours or not.

So am I being unreasonable to sit on my fanny for half the week, spending DH's hard earned, considering he doesn't seem to mind?

OP posts:
proudnsad · 20/08/2010 19:31

Eve - I work FT and always have before and since dc.

But I don't give a shit - in fact let me re-phrase - I support entirely what any other woman wants to do and do not understand anyone forcing their beliefs on anybody else. In fact I think it's bonkers.

And 'little part time job' is very very patronising.

It's not being 'kept', it's a partnership where income is shared.

proudnsad · 20/08/2010 19:35

ps I earn almost three times what my husband does. He works PT as he picks the dc up from school. Is he being 'kept'?

EveWasFramed72 · 20/08/2010 20:03

Wasn't enforcing my beliefs, merely stating I didn't understand it.

If you are able bodied, childless, and working part time for 'something to do', then yes, you are being kept. Working part time when you have children is an entirely different matter.

Saladbomb · 20/08/2010 20:12

OP, I am really sorry for the loss of your DD. With that in mind you should definitely not feel guilty about P/T if both you and your DH are happy with that arrangement. But even if you had not suffered that loss I don't think you should have felt guilty. I think we should keep in mind how lucky we are that this is a choice that is available to us!

Eve you are making an bit of an assumption about the nature of f/t v p/t there. I have worked part time/ temporarily and been self employed but I am lucky enough to be able to earn more in a year by working part time that my DH does in his full time job and that keeps us both quite comfortably. Are you saying I should get a full time job for the sake of it just to earn more money? I have absolutely treasured my 4 days weeks and times I am not been working just because I work my arse off the rest of the time. As has my DH enjoyed the times when the house is spotless, the cupboards stocked etc. and I have been a much less tressed happier person. I think we are slightly indoctrinated in this country to work more/earn more (spend more) when in fact what is most valuable is our TIME. I have turned down a full time position at my current company in favour of a 4 day week temp contract because thats what makes me happy. If full time floats your boat then all power to you but bear in mind it might not be right for everyone. :o

Malificence · 20/08/2010 20:21

Your H needs good life insurance then Eve Wink.

I'd be quite comfortable should anything happen to my DH.

I look at it this way, I had no opportunity to build a career, I was traipsing around the world as a military wife then I was working p/t in the UK when DD was growing up, I have no wish to ever work full time, I don't understand your desire to do so but I respect the fact that you do.
If my husband is "keeping" me, I'm fine with that, but actually he's not, we are a partnership, I run the house, do the banking, make sure the bills are paid etc. etc.
He would actually be lost without me - he wouldn't have a clue about anything financial, I've had to create a file with all relevant details for him.

proudnsad · 20/08/2010 20:21

Eve - no it's not being 'kept', dc or no dc. It's choice. As long as it works for the individuals and relationship what is the problem?
It's quite ridiculous what you are saying actually.
Ironically, you are living in the dark ages.

blueshoes · 20/08/2010 20:45

Agree with Eve. If you don't have childcare responsibilities, there shouldn't be a problem fitting housework and cooking around a ft job, unless you are being spectacularly inefficient or needlessly 'fluffing and folding'.

It IS being supported by your dh or in less diplomatic terms, being 'kept', because no able bodied woman has a greater right to a leisurely life than her partner.

It is a choice that a couple is free to make, however. Just not one I would think is fair for me to make, nor would I want to.

Sassy, in your case, I can understand the choice. Sorry for your loss.

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/08/2010 21:26

Why do you assume that it would be the woman that is 'kept'? Deborah Meaden from the Dragon's Den has a husband who does all the cooking and runs their household whilst she manages the business empire. I don't see this as odd, but a sensible distribution of resources and talents. I don't think working is a moral duty, it's something people do so as not to starve, and, hopefully something they derive satisfaction from. If you don't need the money, and you don't enjoy it, why spend your limited hours on this planet in a paid job?

blueshoes · 20/08/2010 21:41

onetoo, I don't see it as a 'sensible' distribution of resources and talents or even a 'fair' one. Assuming the couple do not have young dependent children, then the person in ft employment is shouldering a heavier burden than the one at home who is just doing cooking and housework, if that. After a while, you are just creating work for yourself at home to fill your time or doing hobbies or just being inefficient.

I would have no problems describing DM's husband as 'kept', if they don't have dependent children at home.

tholeon · 20/08/2010 21:49

My DH is very career driven, I'm not. If he earns enough to keep me when DS is old enough to need me less, and we are both happy with the arrangement, I'm not sure I will go back paid employment. I'll probably do a shedload of voluntary work. And keep up with our friends and family, which he is too busy to do: be a good mate to those who need it, with time on my side. Oh, and organise the cleaner ....

I don't think DH would see himself as shouldering the heavier burden. He likes his job. He relishes the challenges and climbing up the greasy pole. If he wasn't happy, we would change things.

Malificence · 20/08/2010 21:50

I'm perfectly happy flitting about at home being "inefficient".Hmm
I don't really want to work in paid employment at all, I believe you should work to live, not live to work, I'm fortunate that my DH earns decent money and we have a small mortgage, my wages pay for luxuries like holidays.
I could work full time, I just don't want to, my DH prefers a happy wife, which I very definitely wouldn't be if I worked 8 hours a day.

blueshoes · 20/08/2010 21:56

Malificence, so long as you are prepared to step up to ft paid employment if your dh decides it is his turn to take it easy, don't kid yourself it is a fair arrangement.

BeerTricksPotter · 20/08/2010 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 20/08/2010 22:46

BeerTricks

an elegant post.
Can I add that I genuinely hope I didn't jump down you throat.

But re some of the following thread - I don't have paid employment. i probably never will again. My Dh and I have an entirely equitable relationship with which we are both happy.
It may not suit others but, as is often the case, our circumstances are unique. And no one elses business.

I don't really give a shit what others think, nor what they would do in my position. I suspect that few of us actually do know what we would chose to do in each others postions.

jellybeans · 20/08/2010 23:46

YANBU Most work is over rated.

BeerTricksPotter · 20/08/2010 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 21/08/2010 00:34

You must both love work eve and blue. Lucky you!!

How can you say it isnt fair in a relationship for one of the partners to work part time?

Do you know everybody's personal circumstances.
Are people not free in this country to make choices which suit their individual families??

My husband loves the fact I dont work. (We have 2 teenage children). He earns more than enough money for us to live very well.

There arent a limitless number of jobs out there anyway. If I did work ft I would be taking a job and money away from someone who needed it.

And who would do the 2 vouluntry jobs (1 charity, 1 infant school] I do each week?

wineandroses · 21/08/2010 00:35

Both I and dh work full-time. Both would like to work parttime but financially it would change our lifestyle. So choices to be made. Choices for both of us - where doe it say the woman is entitled to work part time but the man must continue to slog his guts out? I say find a plan whereby you can Both go part time and spend more time with family.

tholeon · 21/08/2010 07:11

I don't think it has much to do with gender wineandroses, just personalities and what suits each partner, and the partnership. Some people genuinely like going to work and earn enough to support their partners. A fortunate minority I know!

MissCromwell · 21/08/2010 08:57

SassySusan, nobody thinks that you should do anything except what is right for you and your dh. And I think ChippingIn's comments were very wise. But I'm wondering why you posted the thread the way you did - just possibly because you were hoping people would urge you back to FT work, because that's what you would really like to do? Maybe you feel some guilt about going back too - that it would look like "moving on" or be betraying your daughter's memory in some way? But if you would welcome the distraction, the busy-ness, the structure, if you think it would help, then it really is fine to go back, you know.

I guess the truth is it is probably hard to work out what is best at the moment. Take care
of yourself and to hell with what other people think.

Tortington · 21/08/2010 08:59

if your dh is fine with it then hell yeah! sit on yer arse why not?

Original poster
SassySusan · 21/08/2010 09:44

I noticed a few posters have said that generally it is wrong for a woman without DCs to not work/work pt , but it is ok for me to do (in the special circumsances)....

I'm not sure that makes much sense to me. My husband has also lost his daughter and he is working f/t Hmm

I suppose what it comes down to is different things work for different people.

But when feminists were fighting to smash glass ceilings in the workplace, I think they would have also been trying to support the value of unpaid work too...

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 21/08/2010 09:49

Makes no sense to me either Susan. But then nor does the notion that even if DH supports/likes/benefits from DW working p/t they should still feel somehow obliged to work f/t??? Life is for living, not working. Sometimes feminism feels a bit like cutting off ones nose to spite ones face....

blueshoes · 21/08/2010 09:58

Sassy, of course if your dh wanted to work pt, I assume you would be fine with it. I did not think it was 'wrong' only that it was inherently unfair for one person to feel entitled to an easier life that her partner.

As for the value of 'unpaid work', that is recognised to be childcare or caring responsibilities. Or voluntary work as another poster said.

But if is pointless housework (that couples who work ft seem to ably fit into the cracks of their time) or hobbies or socialising, then well, it is a nice life. It is fair so long as the partner gets a crack at it if he wants.

Of course I recognise the choice of a couple. I said it before. Just not one I would want to make or impose on my dh because of who I am, due to its inherent unfairness and also I quite being independent.

marantha · 21/08/2010 10:03

I think 'work' needs to be defined a bit more here. Many people see domestic chores as unpaid labour.
Many men (and women) have a 'one-track' mind when it comes to life.

Many men are prepared to go out the door in the morning, work all day and come home as long as it's the last thing they have* to do all day.
In other words, as long as someone else is doing the domestic chores, they're happy with it.
And if the women are happy to do the domestic chores, what's the problem?
Seems a fair trade- off to me.

I would, however, think my dh/dw were taking the p* if they expected me to do the domestic drudge work if I were working full-time and they weren't.

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