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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down a full-time job and let my DH support me?

155 replies

SassySusan · 19/08/2010 21:35

DH works full-time and I work part-time (2 1/2 days a week). We are comfortable financially, and don't get any state benefits.

My boss has offered to make my job full-time. There is no practical reason I couldn't do the hours. DH says it's up to me whether I want to do the f/t hours or not.

So am I being unreasonable to sit on my fanny for half the week, spending DH's hard earned, considering he doesn't seem to mind?

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 20/08/2010 11:47

I can see why you feel you are at a cross-roads with 'what to do next', I'm so sorry about your daughter. A friend of mine asked me the same question recently for a different reason, if she 'should' go back to work after children go to school. I personally don't think 'should' is applicable here. My friend never really had a career and doesn't need to work, I think she 'should' do exactly as she pleases, work, voluntary work, more housework, spend time with friends, do the garden, set up a business from home, whatever takes her fancy. So should you- do what you want to do. Not many people would stay in their FT jobs if they didn't have to (I would, but I realise I'm in a minority).

sanielle · 20/08/2010 11:52

Sorry this is really personal tell me to fuck off if you like!

But you say you don't think you could have another child.

Does that mean one day you and DH might consider it? because if so and age is already a factor and obviously stress and grief are already issues.. a high pressure full time job might be the last thing you need on top of it all and might risk what chances you do have.

Hope you figure out what is best for you and DH.

doggiesayswoof · 20/08/2010 11:53

I'm very sorry about your daughter Sassy. I agree with onetoomany, as time goes on there will be stuff you can do which you wouldn't be able to do if you were working. Voluntary work or whatever.

If you still feel guilty (although you shouldn't), charity work might help get rid of the guilt.

pithyslicker · 20/08/2010 11:55

If you and your DH are happy with it- do it. Balls to what people think.

ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 11:57

Sassy - I actually have friends that do what you said - she works FT he works part-time. They are happy with that and both have a very healthy attitude to it 'Fuck what anyone else thinks!!' Grin

Actually friends of my parents are like this too, but he's retired and she isn't yet. He could have worked a bit longer and in a while she could have retired a bit earlier - but she doesn't mind working and he'd had enough - so they decided to do it this way.... so what if they are happy.

Frankly I think it's very, very early for you to be making too many 'what now' decisions. You still have an awful lot to come to terms with and if you don't need to work full time and don't especially want to do so full time right now then don't. Give yourself some space to work out how to cope with life going forward. Don't put more pressure on yourself when it's not necessary.

Shove the catholic guilt where it belongs Grin

Original poster
SassySusan · 20/08/2010 12:10

sanielle bloody hell - that something even I hadn't thought of being guilty about Grin

Thanks for the opinions... just to add, I didn't want to "come out" as a bereaved mother in the OP because I didn't what people's views to be coloured by that... though I do concur that I probably need time to myself at the moment in a way I have never needed it before. Grief is shit and time consuming. Sad

I think part of my problem is the same as lots of women face when DCs are no longer needing them on a day to day basis. However, as I was always keeping my hand in, and have a bloody long way to retirement age, it's just tricky to know what to do.

Thanks for all the opinions.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 12:26

Sassy
I understand that you didn't want to 'come out' in your OP so that peoples opinion wouldn't be clouded by your situation - but really, why shouldn't peoples opinion take all factors into consideration? The horrible, horrible fact is that you have only just lost your 3 year old daughter and that is, as it should be, a huge factor in any decision you make right now. You need to be kind to yourself and sod what anyone thinks.

Grief is very shit, time consuming and very, very exhausting - in a way that you can't describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it. It is bloody hard work to maintain a facade of 'coping' whilst being a complete and utter fucking wreck inside.

No-one can tell you what is the best thing for you to do right now. For some it would be to stay part time and have time to grieve and work out 'what the hell now' and for others it would be to throw themselves into a full time job, distracting themselves as much as possible.

Would this full time job be returning to what you did before you had DD? Is it something you had anticipated returning to full time one day or is it just a 'full time job'??

How old are you? (Don't answer if you don't want to!!) Also being completely blunt, I agree with Sanielle if you are going to try to have more children, then focusing on your health, relaxation, exercise etc is going to be better for you than working full time isn't it...

Cortina · 20/08/2010 12:49

Just coming in to say I agree about the rather strange and archaic attitudes to cleaners. I had a boyfriend once who said I would have to 'earn' a cleaner. His mother, although in the mutli millionaire bracket, would actually don rubber gloves and clean alongside the cleaner. She felt guilty otherwise. Bizarre.

His view was you had to make your own knees bleed before you'd get in any other help, regardless of income or circumstance.

BeerTricksPotter · 20/08/2010 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanielle · 20/08/2010 13:42

"sanielle bloody hell - that something even I hadn't thought of being guilty about "

There is always somehthing for a woman to feel guilty about.. about the only thing I've really learned so far!

relax, stay home and be healthy, potter about, and try and get yourself as well as you can be. x

Original poster
SassySusan · 20/08/2010 13:45

No worries BeerTricks love the name, btw..

I'm 40. It's a professional/career type job in a big organisation. I had originally thought I would keep my hand in while DD was small and go back f/t at some point... but I was enjoying being her mum so much, I had been dithering lately about reducing hours even further or giving up altogether.

I'm only just going back to work on Monday - I've had 4 months off sick, so I'm not sure how I'll manage or what is easiest for me. What prompted me to ask was that I went for a pre-meet with my manager and she offerd the extra hours as an option if I wanted it. Prior to this, it hadn't been clear to me that this would be an option (we are cutting jobs across the org) and it made me think - should I feel obliged to take it - after all DH works f/t.

Beertricks Not to make you feel worse (honest!) on the subj of cleaners, have to admit that I have had the same feelings as you. However, trying to juggle a house, DH who is always at work and small baby was a bloody nightmare. We had actually got rid of our cleaners a while before DD died - however we re-employed them just before the funeral. Getting up, dressing, showering, doing the horrible necessary stuff was about all I could manage - there was no way I could have cleaned the house before the wake. Tend to think, that once I got over the Catholic guilt - cleaners are a god-sent blessing Smile

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 13:57

Sassy

Take things one step at a time - thank her for her very kind offer, but say that for now, part time suits you best.

See how you get on.

Going back to work is a big step in itself.

darcymum · 20/08/2010 14:05

I worked PT before we had children. We didn't have a mortgage and could afford it so why should I slave away just to make some sort of feminist point.

Malificence · 20/08/2010 14:32

Another vote for not working full time if you don't want to / have to.
I do 15 hours a week and although I am job hunting, it's only for a daytime job (I do early evenings and I've had enough).

If you are financially comfortable with p/t work, if things get tough then you have the knowledge that you can up your hours or get a second job.Wink

I fully intend never to work full time, I have no problem being a kept woman. Smile

Original poster
SassySusan · 20/08/2010 14:34

I don't know where the feminist point comes into it?

Spent many years writing a feminist doctoral thesis, but I can't see it... I think it's more about equity than anything else.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 20/08/2010 15:08

It's not about feminism at all, it's about fairness within a partnership. If SS's DH feels that she is contributing equally (and not sitting around with her feet up letting him do all the less-desirable parts of life) then that's fine.

Petal02 · 20/08/2010 15:10

If working part time suits you and your family, then why change it?

marantha · 20/08/2010 15:17

I think as you're both happy about it, then it's up to you and him.

Although I will say that if I were your hubby, in these circumstances I would expect you to do lion's share of boring household chores, organising dinner parties (if that's your thing!) etc-not all, just the majority of them.

bunnymother · 20/08/2010 15:28

Sassy - I think there are some v wise views on this thread, esp re whether you would like to have another DC (I can almost "feel" from your other threads the joy and love you have for your DD )and how a F/T job would fit in with that.

Also, I think its key that you take the time you need - your overall well being is far more important than either cash you don't need or a few more career notches (esp since you sound to have already attained quite a few).

All the very best going back to work.

Malificence · 20/08/2010 15:28

"Organising dinner parties" Grin I've never organised one in my life!
Sorry marantha , that made me chuckle.

I know I'd be a miserable, stressed out cow if I worked full time, DH would rather me be happy for the sake of a few grand a year and in ten years he'll be able to go part time too.

marantha · 20/08/2010 15:31

Malificence Yeah, sorry about that one, probably been watching too many re-runs of Margo and Jerry in 'The Good Life'.

mumbar · 20/08/2010 15:39

sassy been lurking on this thread for a while but knew about your dd from another thread. Sorry I didn't post but my reply may have given information you didn't want to iyswim.

Firstly be very proud of yourself for considering going back to work after the loss of your daughter.

Secondly do you think your boss has offered you the xtra hours as she/he thinks that may be what you need or trying to help you in some way - letting you know your options?

Thirdly I agree that working p/t is fine if thats what you want as you are preparing meals etc for your dh, and having been 'off sick' from p/t I beleive going straight back f/t could be too much.

I think whatever works for you and dh is fine - everyones situation is different.

Best of luck for Monday btw.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2010 17:03

I have worked PT for the last 14 years.

It hasn't harmed my career.

I have no intention of working FT uless I have to (if I did, things would have to change massively in this house Wink)

proudnsad · 20/08/2010 17:51

Susan, I don't even get what the question is...your working arrangements suit you both, they ain't harming anyone and it's nobody else's business, you have enough to live on and it's not causing a problem in the dynamic of your relationship. So...?

I've seen many of your posts and am terribly sorry for your loss. Even more reason to a) do what the hell you want and b) take it easy and not take on too much.

EveWasFramed72 · 20/08/2010 19:21

I think susan has a different case...I can totally see the point in you not wanting to work full time at the moment (or ever)...you've been through too much, and if working full time would be healing for you, only then would I say go for it. If you are content being part time, if it's fulfilling and enough, then let it be.

I don't, however, understand the lack of desire to work full time from some of the rest of you, especially those without children. I don't feel okay about my DH being the sole contributor when I have a degree and am able to work. Granted, I've been home for a few years with small children, but prior to that, I had a 10 year career, and now that they are going to school, I am going back to work. Full time. I guess I tend to think that if anything ever happened to my DH, a little part time job for 'something to do' wouldn't put food on the table. I'm too independent to be 'kept'.