Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish DH had bought me a better present

144 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 17/08/2010 14:48

DH got back yesterday from a 4 day stag do in New York (let's not talk about that, it would be a whole other thread....) while I had the DDs on my own for 4 nights and had to juggle work etc round this, cope with poorly teething baby, broken fridge etc.

I was expecting him to get me a present, he did but it was a bottle of perfume that I haven't worn for years and was actually a refill bottle so doesn't even have the sprayer thing on it if you know what i mean.

I know I am probably being a bit unreasonable and ungrateful but would it have been too much to ask that he went and got me something nice from NY, it is not like there is any shortage of shopping opportunities, rather than making some rushed purchase from the duty free at the airport becuase he clearly thought, sh!t ought to get the wife something.

OP posts:
upahill · 17/08/2010 20:12

I'm struggling to understand why people expect holiday presents though. I bought for the kids up to the age of 10 if I went away without them and DH but beyond that - no.

Dh goes away and I take over, If I go away he takes over. We don't need presents to show gratitude for looking after our own kids. I certainly wouldn't buy a present to show him how thankful I am to be able to go on holiday or whatever.

It justs stinks of entitlement to whinge that you haven't got a nice present IMO.

atswimtwolengths · 17/08/2010 20:17

Well, some people don't buy each other birthday or Christmas presents, or Valentine's Day cards.

Many people don't go off to NYC for four days without the rest of their family.

It's just nice to be appreciated - nice to think that somewhere in those four drunken days, he'd thought of his wife and taken an hour to find her something that would please her.

That's different from having a sense of entitlement.

LadyBaden · 17/08/2010 20:17

If my DH was going to NY for a stag do I would have sent a shopping list Grin

thisisyesterday · 17/08/2010 20:21

but he probably didn't have time to go off shopping did he?
i don't need a bloody present to prove that dp thinks about me or appreciates me. and if you do, then that's a bit sad I think.

if the OP had wanted him to get her something she should have asked him to. when dp was in NYC on business I told him I wanted something from Tiffany's and sent him the directions by text so he could get there Grin
(i was egged on by mumsnetters btw!)

upahill · 17/08/2010 20:23

Different strokes for different folks I guess then.

If DH was going to NY unless I specificaly wanted something (eg the whole of the MAC counter!!) I wouldn't careless if I got nothing at all. It would be just more stuff that I don't need.

I do however feel appreciated anyway so a bottle of perfume is not going to make the slightest difference to how I feel.

undercovamutha · 17/08/2010 20:24

I think you are angry that he went to NYC, NOT that he bought you a perfectly fine present that you didn't like.

And out of interest, if you went away for 4 days leaving your DH with the kids, would he expect a present?

EightiesChick · 17/08/2010 20:29

YANBU - but on the other hand it's not a hanging offence. He won't have got much chance to shop and, to try to be fair, he obviously remembered it was a perfume you've worn and liked, even if he was a bit behind recent developments. Plus not noticing it was a refill bottle is also possible - I might well have done this myself.

It's OK to feel a little disappointed (I hate this Four Yorkshiremen approach that people take where because some people don't get anything or they only got the wrapper from a KitKat, then you can never feel disappointed with any present ever.) However, I think the best strategy is this:

a) Show appreciation of the gift, without moaning - IME if you moan it actually discourages them from buying gifts next time - and make sure before any future trip you mention how lovely it would be to get some new X perfume.

b) Make plans to go away for a few days yourself ASAP and let it be known that you will be doing so. The best present is time off in return!

Sidge · 17/08/2010 20:43

I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic really but that's just me doing the competitive hard-done-by thing - having done nearly 5 months on my own with 3 kids and a job I see 4 days as a doddle Grin

Rather than a present I would prefer TOIL - you get 4 days to pamper yourself whilst he has his children. But then at least he bought you something - it shows you were on his mind and he acknowledged your support for his trip.

mumeeee · 17/08/2010 20:50

YABU, It was a stag do. I wouldn't have expeted DH to buy me anything.

2rebecca · 17/08/2010 21:47

I wouldn't expect a group of blokes on a stag do to be going shopping so I wouldn't have expected anything and have been pleased my husband remebered a perfume I'd worn. Blokes aren't suffisiently into perfume to notice things like refil packs v normal packs and if he did he maybe thought you still had original bottle.

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 18/08/2010 08:23

think general consensus then is that i am an ungrateful cow....[embarrassed]

if i went to NY for four days on my own without the family i would have got them all a present but then i guess the difference is that i like shopping....

i guess i just wanted to feel appreciated, this is the 4th stag do/ lads jolly he has been on this year...if he had given me a packet of jelly beans and said "here you go darling, just wanted so say i had a fab time thanks for being cool about the trip i missed you guys" i would have felt more appreciated than a duty free bag sat on the kitchen table when I got back from work and him just saying "oh there is something for you on the table"

anyway i am in the process of planning my own little trip and it may even just be NYC Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 18/08/2010 08:24

whoops that should be Blush

OP posts:
pagwatch · 18/08/2010 08:27

WNSA

you are looking at this all wrong..

I agreed with you. Ignore them
Grin

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/08/2010 08:42

whoneedssleep, I find it really hard when my husband goes away (on business, usually a week at a time) because our daughter always reacts badly to the change and stops sleeping, I have to fit work in around it, the whole childcare set up is based on him being able to do the childcare run, etc. It's not that it's impossible to look after a child for a week, nor three for 4 days, but it is harder than usual if you're used to a family rhythm.

And if this is the fourth weekend he's been away, and you don't feel like you've had any break either with him or alone, I can see why you'd feel disgruntled. You want him to come back effusive about how great you are to soldier on while he goes off and pretends to be single for a few days.

I do think a holiday of your own is the answer. My husband always takes a day or two off after a trip (he makes his own hours, I realise this isn't always realistic) and takes over the childcare so I can have a day to myself. And he's always vocal about appreciating that my support means he can do what he does.

So, I understand. YANBU, I say.

Loving Liberty's work on this thread, though.

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 18/08/2010 09:06

thanks pagwatch I know you agreed with me...Smile

OP posts:
pagwatch · 18/08/2010 09:11

No problem Grin

you can send me a small present....

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 18/08/2010 09:29

would you like a refill bottle of perfume Grin

OP posts:
2kids2dogsandahorse · 18/08/2010 09:33

at least it wasn't aftershave :( I will NEVER live that down

diddl · 18/08/2010 09:59

When my husband went to the Oktoberfest one year, all I asked him to bring me back was a packet of paprika flavoured crisps.

He didn´t bring any-reckoned he couldn´t find any!!

I guess he made up for it a few years later when he went to Hong Kong and brought back a silk jacket-totally unasked & with no prior hints from me.

violethill · 18/08/2010 10:00

YABU and a bit childish.

girlwithsparklyhair · 18/08/2010 10:35

YANBU at all, he's spent all this money on himself on a flash weekend away while you're at home with the kids, I would have expected a gift that he'd put more than 2 secs thought in to. Men are just crap at gifts I think.

ILoveDonaldDraper · 18/08/2010 10:50

YANBU at all. If my DH went to new york for 4 days with his mates without me, leaving me to deal with kids on own, he would know better than to show his face without something big from Tiffany, or perhaps a spa weekend or something booked for me so that I could also enjoy some peace and quiet!
He obviously didn't even look at the bottle properly in the duty free at the airport as he bought you the refill so put no thought whatsoever into it. Personally, I can't believe he went on the trip at all!

SpringHeeledJack · 18/08/2010 10:55

YANBU. Most definitely. I think he was taking liberties. If I were him I would be insanely grateful

proudnsad · 18/08/2010 10:59

My dh is very generous and has bought me some wonderful gifts over the years but honestly I wouldn't ever expect one, especially just coming back from a trip away! Not even from NYC.

Sooooooooo yabu

SpringHeeledJack · 18/08/2010 12:04

ok let's put the boot on the other foot

would posters who are saying the OP is being unreasonable:

  1. expect to go away for a hen do Hmm to NYC for 4 nights leaving dp with the kids
  1. if yes- would they then get their dp a present?

mine would be 1. no 2. yes. But then I'd expect dp to answer the same...I think

Swipe left for the next trending thread