WIBU to shove 36 xmas cards up my SIL's ****?

[gobsmackedetal]

this might be a bit long, but I don't want to be accused of AIBU by stealth, so let me start by admitting I'm what my DH calls "a Christmas whore". I'm all about christmas, all year round and I make no apologies for it.

I'm very careful with money, we're comfortable but I don't like wasting. I also prefer to give to charity than buy the fabulously improved 2010 barbie model for DD (iyswim).

Now, the following I'm only going to say because I'm anonymous here, nobody other than DH knows. I get very upset by the thought of people suffering and spend a lot of effort, time and money where I can, to help. We sponsor children, we organise events, we buy products and I intend to volunteer abroad in developing countries and offer my skilld once my children are 18 (15 years to go..)

Back to the point. I send about 100 christmas cards a year. I start writing them in september otherwise it wouldn't happen. I buy UNICEF cards, since I need cards why not these, I thought.

A couple of years ago I found out that my SIL has been bitching about how I'm all smug with my UNICEF cards and she hates it when people send them because it's like they're trying to show how nice and thoughtful they are while the ones that bought cards from tesco are selfish. And then she compared it to giving a goat for christmas, which I think is totally different.

I ignored it, as I thought that I'm not going to change my habits because of this snide comment. But she dropped in yesterday (we live abroad, she's over here on a holiday) when I had pulled out the cards I have left over from last year to see how many I have left, looked at them and said "oh, these are last year's designs. Are you not going to help any poor starving children this year then?". Her comment broke my heart and I said nothing, but now I regret that I didn't roll up the 36 cards and shove them up hers. Would you? Then I'd have to buy new ones and save this year's starving children (does she really think that's how it works?)

I want to let it slide but I feel so upset. Am I wrong for sending UNICEF cards? Is it really smug? Should I say anything to SIL? WWYD?

and the co-op, to be fair

I always buy charity cards (btw can someone show me the maths on this "buy cheap cards and then give to charity" alternative? I always buy direct from the charity, ie all profits covenanted to the charity, not the WHSmith etc versions which do give a percentage only - is this really not as good?) and no YANBU buying cards to support a cause.

But I send about 50 and don't start until the first week in December - and I can't imagine where I would buy cards in August anyway! Put your cards away and enjoy the summer (cough splutter), and save Christmas for Christmas.

nah, yanbu
shove them up her arse
and ignore all the bah humbugs on here
and well done for trying to do your bit

"In the goat scenario they get no present and you get a feeling of having helped someone who needed a goat."

Quite. It's one of the most exhibitionist acts of "does a lot of work for charity, doesn't like to talk about it" tedium. If you want to give money to charity rather than buy presents (which is great, because giving presents to adults is largely a total waste of time and money, as if they want it they'll buy it, and if they haven't already bought it they don't want it) then that's great, and thoroughly laudable. Given money to your charity of choice, and send people a card (or, better, don't). But to give money to charity and then send a third party a card saying "I give money to charity, because I'm good like that, and here's the proof" is simply smug. At least the charity gets the money, which is a good thing, but the senders should look in the mirror and decide why they didn't just give the money in the first place.

My grandmother once proposed a present amnesty, where no-one would give presents to anyone over 18. It held for a few years, then started to be broken, which was a great shame.

As I said, noone other than DH knows of my feelings and actions. Even the event I organise are dobe "by" several local oranisations, I'm a very private person and don't like announcing these things. Apparently trying to help is a bad thing nowadays and I fully aware of it

thanks everyone, I'm off to roll up those cards, she should be back after lunch

anyway you should be sending mn christmas cards!!

Assuming you aren't smug then she is being unreasonable.

If you are smug then she's behaving more understandably but was still rude, especially given that she was in your house.

Impossible for us to say whether you are coming across as smug or not in real life, though. You are coming across a bit smugly on here but then it might have been difficult to explain the background without sounding at least a little smug. (Smugness not about sending UNCEF cards, btw, just a general attitude thing)

TBH I suspect that your SIL just doesn't like you much. It sounds as though you don't like her much either, so given you live in different countries I'd just settle for ignoring each other as much as possible.

Whatever issues your SIL has, they are clearly HER issues and insecurities. Does she go through every card she receives and work out where it was purchased from??!!! Remove from your list!

Gobsmacked, one thing I've learned is that whenever we give anything - money, a gift, our time - we do it for us. Not just the gotas and school packs - I love those and love getting them, although I do like something shiney in a box or pretty bag too - but everything.

You know how it is when we buy a gift, spend ages choosing it, wrap it up in tissues and ribbons and bounce off the sofa with excitement when we think of the recpient opening it. Then when they do and don't fall on our necks with gratitude, we feel put out, hurt even. That's because we'd projected onto the other person how we thought they should feel, but you can't control other people.

Think how you'd feel if you didn't help. Think how you'd feel if you did buy your cards from the bargain bin at a quid a time. Buying UNICEF cards is a gift that you give to yourself - the fact that it then benefits others is a bonus.

Your sil is projecting onto you her feelings about herself. For whatever reason she finds the idea of helping 'poor starving children' hurtful and so she's projecting onto you her pain. Maybe she believes that 'charity begins at home' but also that belief makes her uncomfortable. Maybe she can't afford to buy charity cards. Who knows?

But the one thing you do know is that you do not need her approval for the choices that you make. Nor do you need the approval of anyone on Mumsnet. Th eonly person whose approval you need is yours. If you are doing the things that make you feel better (it's not about feeling 'good', is it, it's about feeling comfortable with yourself, able to face yourself in the mirror and know that you've done what is right by your beliefs) then that is all that matters.

That should be goat, obviously

OP I'm with you. Don't take it to heart. Just write her an email for Christmas instead and use the one you would have sent her for someone else.

I never send Christmas cards and hate recieving them. HArd to put into words why it just makes my skin crawl when recieving them and I have to put them in the recycling as soon as they are given to me.

FFS why should she care where you choose to get your cards from? Does she also moan about where her presents come from? Would she rather not get any greeting at all. She sounds daft.

YANBU

no one has ever given me a goat :(

probably for the best fireblademum, they poop everywhere

I appreciate the sentiments behind what you are trying to do but, as others have said, maybe you do come across as smug?

I send charity card, but then so do most people I know. My aim each year is to send less though - I only ever send them to people who I won't be seeing to say 'Happy Christmas' to in person.

I also sponsor a child but no one knows about that apart from me, DH and DS. We give regularly to quite a few charities and extra at Christmas (not quite sure why I chose then, as an atheist!) - again why would anyone know this apart from us? I tell a lie - MIL and FIL know about the sponsor child but that was only to stop them being so SMUG that a group of them sponsor one child through church and then went on about it (and what wonderful people they were because of it) for a little too long. Interestingly, the looked a little annoyed when I told them we had been sponsoring a child for the last 18 months.

All about Christmas, all year round and getting cards out in August

Sea Trek, I don't know who you are and you don't know me, hence saying here about sponsoring children and helping charities doesn't make us smug, right? Or you think you're smug for helping depsite the fact noone knows about it?

i really cannot understand WHY? why why why did you get the cards out in front of her? knowing she has already made comments about your cards

yes your sil sounds like a bitch, but its like you were asking for it, or you did it knowing quite well she would say something snide so you could have a bitch about her

was it really nessessary to see how many cards you have left while she was there??

VinegarTits, read the thread

Oh, and Gobsmacked, I know how you feel about loving Christmas all year round, in my case it used to be a way of bringing something - happy, and cheerful, and - I don't know - special into the everyday.

People are still projecting onto you, Gobsmacked. Everything that all of us believe is a judgement and always we are wrong because every judgement is subjective. So long as you are happy with your reality then that is all that matters.

err i read the op, in which you say you are not drip feeding, so didnt think it nessassry to read the thread

there must have been a very good reason to get the cards out in front of her then?

< hands fireblademum a goat >

in OP: "But she dropped in yesterday (we live abroad, she's over here on a holiday) when I had pulled out the cards I have left over from last year" and cleared out again later that she came in through the open door while I had them out. I'm not after fights, ever.