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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to not want guests staying over when newborn arrives?

75 replies

Emo76 · 16/08/2010 14:15

My parents in law live about 2h drive away, about 1 1/2 hours by public transport. They are in their 70s but both drive and are mobile etc. I get on well with them, and we have them to stay overnight several times a year.

HOWEVER I do not want to commit to putting them (or anyone else, including my parents) up for the night for at least the first few weeks when our second child arrives. I just want some space especially during the night for feeds etc. They are very welcome to visit as many times as they wish to but I don't want them staying the night. I just want to get on with things myself.

My husband thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

compo · 16/08/2010 14:16

Yanbu
stick to your guns
could they afford a b&b or could you afford to pay for them to stay in one ?

hambo · 16/08/2010 14:18

YANBU at all!

My MIL and FIL came to stay when my first was about 4 weeks old and I was a gibbering wreck 3 weeks later when they left...

Filibear · 16/08/2010 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

unblissfullyignorant · 16/08/2010 14:19

YANBU It's hard enough with a new one, let alone worrying about people staying in the house, close or not. Get your DH to have a word and maybe plan for them to come and stay when the babe's a month or so old. They can help look after your other LO

LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 14:20

YANBU, especially in light of the fact it seems totally doable for them to come and go in a single day from your house. You need time to settle into a routine and get used to family life with a newborn. Have they actually asked to stay yet?

alicet · 16/08/2010 14:24

YANBU (they live close enough to come for the day don't they) but I am sure a compromise could be reached. What your dh wants is important afterall as its his child too.

A couple of options. Firstly they could come and stay when the baby is born (assuming that you are having a hospital delivery and stay for at least 1 night which may not be the case) but that you want them to go home when you are discharged so you and dh can bring the baby home together. Or they could come and stay for a night once your dh has gone back to work.

This is assuming that your house is big enough that there is space for you to be able to breast feed (if you wish) in private (if you wish again!) and that they will pitch in and help with cooking / cleaning etc.

Otherwise is it an option that you pay for them to stay in a local b&b for a couple of nights early on?

For what its worth both sets of grandparents (b oth about 5 hoursw drive away) came up and stayed while I was in hospital with ds1 (emergency section so in for 3 days) but we asked them to go home once I came out of hospital. Then Mum came up once dh went back to work for about a week and mil for a couple of days after that. Both mum and mil are good at getting on and sorting themselves out so this worked fine.

Good luck trying to find a balance

Original poster

Emo76 · 16/08/2010 14:24

They haven't asked to stay, it is more that my husband intends to invite them to stay. B&B or hotel an idea but ultimately we would still need to entertain them in the evening, give them dinner etc and husband would probably drop them off at their hotel. Husband accused me of being a hermit - I just don't want an endless stream of guests to entertain when I should be recovering from birth and hopefully enjoying baby.

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 16/08/2010 14:26

YANBU at all.

Your husband is being a selfish arse telling you that you are.

Firawla · 16/08/2010 14:28

no yanbu, it would be better for them just to come for the day surely. they are not that far

Squitten · 16/08/2010 14:29

YANBU - have they asked to stay or does your DH want them to?

We're due DS2 in early Dec and we're already telling people that we are off the radar for Xmas. Don't mind day visitors but not having people to stay over and certainly not catering for them. The only exception to that might be my mother who will be left completely alone if my brother lets her down (highly likely) so we would let her come if need be.

LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 14:29

In that case, nip this talk in the bud before your DH gets a chance to mention it, this is going to be much better all round if you don't have to let down the GPs after your DH has carelessly invited them against your will. You probably need to be quite firm with him to make sure he understands how strongly you feel. After a month, perhaps they could come for a couple of nights or something like that, but the first days and weeks belong to you and your DH and if you don't want people, even family, staying the night in your house, it would be wholly unreasonable for DH to go against your wishes.

teenyanne · 16/08/2010 14:29

YANBU - it is hard having a new baby in the house and if you don't want visitors that's fair enough, especially as they can come and go in the same day. And you're not saying they can't visit, just that you don't want them to stay overnight which is fair enough.

I wish I had put my foot down more - my PIL came to stay when dd was about 4 weeks, and I hated every minute of it. But, I had my mum to stay when dd was a week old, so I felt I didn't have much option but to relent on the PIL. Difference is my mum did all our laundry, made all my meals and did most of the housework, so me and dh didn't have to worry about anything else excepting getting used to being parents, whereas PIL expect to be waited on and wouldn't even make a cup of tea on their own.

LeoniPoni · 16/08/2010 14:30

YANBU

It was such a tiring, emotional time those first few weeks after I gave birth, having overnight guests would not have been an option - especially since I was getting the breastfeeding established and was mostly sat around topless being brought tea and cake by DP.

Stick by your guns. DH will get over it. But if you end up entertaining when you don't want to you'll feel really upset and resentful!

PinkyMe · 16/08/2010 14:33

Definately not unreasonable. I actually requested no visitors but had them anyway. Came home from the hosp and there they were. They stayed 4 days.

I suggest you are very very firm about your wishes. If they are that desperate, they need to book a hotel.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/08/2010 14:38

YANBU, or if you ABU, so am I ....

The good thing is that you have a good relationship with them, and presumably they may also realise that staying overnight may not be the most suitable thing anyway.

It's a shame your DH doesn't understand, but your MIL, being a woman, may do ...

Start looking for hotels or B & B s

Original poster

Emo76 · 16/08/2010 14:38

Thank you everyone. Nice to know I am not actually a weird hermit....!

I will be very clear about this with DH - like I said, it is not that they are unwelcome to see new baby per se.

OP posts:

VeronicaCake · 16/08/2010 14:39

YANBU

We had everyone to stay at some point during the first few weeks and looking back it was a mistake. When DD was four weeks old I realised we'd only actually had the house to ourselves for 5 nights since she was born.

Everyone was very kind and helpful but I found it very exhausting and stressful and I felt I had to get up and help at a time when I'd have been better off taking to my bed and just feeding round the clock. Plus being picked up all the time wasn't a lot of fun for our very un-cuddly baby, I think she might have slept better in the first few weeks if we'd been a bit stricter.

Post-birth euphoria had a lot to do with this too, my family did ask if it was convenient to come and I was so excited that for the first 3-4 days I just thought 'the more the merrier'. And once the invitations had been issued it was too late to do anything about it.

Next time the rule will be everyone is welcome but we can only cope with one set of visitors each day and they can't stay for more than a couple of hours.

Ephiny · 16/08/2010 14:40

YANBU - I like my in-laws and get on with them generally, but couldn't bear to have them staying at a time like this. Though I do find it quite stressful having people staying over at the best of times, I feel I'm never able to properly relax.

If you feel strongly about it, make it very clear to your DP that you're not having it, and that as you're the one having the baby (and needing to recover from the birth, establish bf etc) it's your needs and wishes that come first. I think it's one time (same goes for labour) when you're allowed to be a bit selfish and not care if other people think you're unreasonable.

There have been a few threads like this recently, is this a common problem? I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to stay with a couple with a new baby, family or not.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/08/2010 14:42

... just to add - having people visit after the second baby (but not overnight), CAN be helpful, to keep the older sibling occupied and make them feel special

theladylobster · 16/08/2010 14:48

I think it is common problem now, especially as people tend to move away from home for job security etc, it displaces you from the family base, and with that comes the issues your experiencing, as I am too

Problem is, my MIL sees and hears from people in her very small town who tell her its the norm to be around their children all the time when they have given birth, because they either live with said children or round the corner

This works well for them, but it cant work for me or perhaps the OP, we have a really small house, and there is no room for visitors at the best of times, let alone at a time like this, i think men really often dont see the issue

I have exposed my husband to alot of female friends who feel like you do, and at the NCT it was really clear that having the clan to stay over would not be a good idea and that has made him see that i am being reasonable after all!!

I think the problem with the distant extended family is over excitement, and given its been 20 odd to 30 years since they had a child they have forgotten what its really like

MichaelaS · 16/08/2010 14:56

tell your DH he is welcome to invite whoever he likes but you will not be dressed, entertaining, cooking or allowing anyone to cuddle the baby. See if they want to come then.

seriously, i think you need your space, try to put them off for at least a few weeks. visiting is fine but staying over is so stressful, just little things like making sure you are decent as you stagger between the bed and the bathroom in the middle of the night. Also if you're intending to breast feed it can be awkward establishing this whilst trying not to flash your boobs at your in laws. Much easier once you and the baby are into a routine.

tanmu82 · 16/08/2010 14:59

YANBU - however I actually invited my MIL to stay the week before DC3 is due. I am also hoping that DC3 makes an early appearance so the MIL can keep the DS and DD occupied and entertained during what will be the half term ;-) leaving me free to get BF established without the other two feeling ignored. We get on really well, she does not interfere and is happy to cook and make me cups of tea :)

atswimtwolengths · 16/08/2010 15:16

I'm in a different situation to all of you because my children are 21 and 18, but I would really want to be there for them when they have children (hopefully not for many, many years!) Obviously it's difficult if they live in small houses, but otherwise I would be upset, I think, if I couldn't stay overnight.

LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 15:28

atswim - but if being there for your DCs meant going to help in the day and then leaving to go home to sleep was the situation they wanted, surely the upset would be your issue and not theirs? Would you respect their decision to not have overnight visitors?

sanielle · 16/08/2010 15:37

Is anyone else suprised by how many of theses threads there are actually? We all seem in agreement this is unreasonable. But for some reason everyone NOT on mumsnet seems to think it is ok. Think MN should have a disclamer somewhere you can point people to saying:

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Dear mother/father/MIL/Fil/sister/cousin/long lost relative

Your daughter/DIL/sister/cousin/long lost relative would really like some time to recover after major surgery/ pushing a human bowling ball out of her hooha and to give the tiny person attached to her tit/ demanding non stop feeding and constant bottle washing and preparing a chance to settle in to the family.

So for at least 6 weeks could you fuck the fuck off and not expect them to house/feed/clean after/ or make your tea.
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