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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not want guests staying over when newborn arrives?

75 replies

Emo76 · 16/08/2010 14:15

My parents in law live about 2h drive away, about 1 1/2 hours by public transport. They are in their 70s but both drive and are mobile etc. I get on well with them, and we have them to stay overnight several times a year.

HOWEVER I do not want to commit to putting them (or anyone else, including my parents) up for the night for at least the first few weeks when our second child arrives. I just want some space especially during the night for feeds etc. They are very welcome to visit as many times as they wish to but I don't want them staying the night. I just want to get on with things myself.

My husband thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
theladylobster · 16/08/2010 16:02

Sanielle - haha!! If only, this would be fabulous, can you get onto it straight away!! :o)

LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 16:06

Threads like these make me happy my DDs sets of GPs both live a few minutes walk from me. They have no excuse to kip on my sofa Grin.

atswim - do you live far away from your DCs? I think that makes a difference.

FindingMyMojo · 16/08/2010 16:09

SANILLE looks like a greeting card in the making to me

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 16/08/2010 16:14

YADNBU,

my mil forced herself, fil, bil and sil on us, i ended up a gibbering wreck and calling a taxi and sneaking off to mums, it was just too much.

PosieParker · 16/08/2010 16:17

YANBU.

loveulotslikejellytots · 16/08/2010 16:53

I think this issue always comes down to personal preference and circumstances. If you get on with PIL and have a house big enough and you have a relatively 'easy' birth then fine, you may well want people staying, especially as someone else mentioned, if you have other DC's.

On the other hand if you dont get on with PIl, have a 1 bedroomed house, have a traumatic birth/ c section/ are BFing/ generaly like your space then it wont work.

I think you just need to make your feelings know in a nice way to DH, so that he at least understands where you are coming from, even if he doesn't agree.

Could you leave it open ended with the PIL... say you are welcome to visit Baby once it is born, but sleepovers might have to wait until we have got into more of a routine/ once BF is established/ i feel up to it etc.

KiwiKat · 16/08/2010 16:58

My mother came over from NZ when ds was born, and wanted to look after him the whole time - but he was MY new baby, and I wanted to learn how to do that, so I got quite irritated. To be fair, she did a fair amount of cooking and cleaning too, so I think she was just trying to be helpful with everything. Not easy having an extra body in the house at that time, though.

Doodleydoo · 16/08/2010 17:02

I think the only person that should reasonably be allowed to stay is the mother of the mother, to do the washing, ironing, cleaning, pampering and cuddling (sorry!). Your own mother you can tell to get lost hopefully without offending her too much, pil is a different matter.

If it makes any difference now on dc2 who arrived last week, we now have a one day visitors, one day off, NO overnight stays but easier as closer by, and have asked for no phonecalls too on the "off" day. Anti social I know but we are all knackered even dc1 so I feel it is only fair! e.g yesterday was pj day ALL day, my 2.5 yr old when asked if she wanted to put on clothes said "why? where I going?" so we just left it at that. Slutty and slovenly yes, need more than I can tell you!

Stick to your guns it isn't selfish, you aren't trying to stop anyone seeing your child but it is such an emotional rollercoaster and it is tiring just because of that, let alone visits from the MW, HV, trying to establish bf, engorgement.........on and on! Good Luck!

diddl · 16/08/2010 17:29

TBH, I would say it depends on the house & on them.

If they would be helpful, & if you have the room I would say why not-just for one night.

Unless they can easily do the drive in one day.

specialmagiclady · 16/08/2010 17:51

My mum came for a week when DS1 was born and INSISTED on staying out. She said that someone needed to have sleep.

You're not being unreasonable at all - my PIL and I have only just got over the bit where I asked them to leave my house 4 days after I gave birth to DS2 (I cooked them a roast dinner when they arrived on day 3). It looked like they were going to settle in for night 2 and I had been kindly disappearing off to my bedroom to BF so that I didn't offend my FIL's eyes with my giant veiny tits. So basically I was a prisoner in my own home when all I wanted to do was sit around topless watching crap on the telly and cuddling my DSs in my sitting room.

How you handle it depends on what your PILs are coming for. If it is to admire the newborn thing then they really don't need to come for more than an hour or two - sorry, it may be inconvenient for them to come all that way for such a short time but tough tits - your nipples may be bleeding you will certainly be in pain in your most intimate areas. The only way to feed your baby may be for you to hang your tit out and for your husband to run at you wielding the baby like a rugby ball. Do they really want to witness that?

If they're there to help they will understand you if you say "we don't want everyone to lose sleep and be useless - you'll be a lot more use to us if you've not been kept up by the baby and there's a lovely B&B nearby."

Seriously,

LeoniPoni · 16/08/2010 18:43

"The only way to feed your baby may be for you to hang your tit out and for your husband to run at you wielding the baby like a rugby ball. Do they really want to witness that?"

Ha! Brilliant!

30andMerkin · 16/08/2010 18:49

Does it work? Confused

diddl · 16/08/2010 18:49

"The only way to feed your baby may be for you to hang your tit out and for your husband to run at you wielding the baby like a rugby ball. Do they really want to witness that?"

When I was bfeeding my PFB in hospital(SCBU), ILs turned up.

Husband said you´ll have to wait a minute diddls feeding PFB.

Oh, we don´t mind, says FILHmm

(Would have walked straight in had husband not been blocking the way)

theladylobster · 16/08/2010 18:54

Oh dear, some people just don't get the hint do they?!

moondog · 16/08/2010 18:59

Hambo, why the hell did thry stay for thrree weeks?? Shock

Muser · 16/08/2010 19:05

My brother told us before his second child was born that this time nobody would be staying over and he hoped we didn't mind. None of us did. We all came to visit and either stayed in a b&b (they helpfully recommended some) or went home the same day (3.5 hour drive).

We live in a tiny flat and there is no way I'm having overnight visitors in the first weeks. Everyone will be told this and anyone who doesn't like it can lump it.

steph1512 · 16/08/2010 19:11

I havent read all the posts, but i would stick to your guns i was pressured with guest staying after my children and found it quite stressful

dippymare · 16/08/2010 19:17

YANBU

I had the exact same scenario and my dh couldn't see why I wouldn't want my mil staying for 2 weeks immediately that the babe was born. In the end, I rang my mil and explained why I was stressed about it - dh still didn't agree but tough. It is a difficult one but try to tactfully explain taht you want a bit of time to get to know your little 'un first.

Good Luck!

octopusinabox · 16/08/2010 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumbar · 16/08/2010 19:33

YANBU mt ds was born abroad (we lived there) IL were 5 minutes away and my family (mum dad siblings) booked to stay 5 days after ds due for 10 days. They got an apartment knowing that we would need space and always called before visiting.

Even when mum and sis visited when ds was 5 months it was hard as she didn't like cc etc.

Congratualtions on being pg btw and best of luck for your family.

VickstaS · 16/08/2010 19:40

YANBU

Both sets of grandparents have offered to stay in local hotels when visiting baby for the first time. And we have accepted.

Surely any reasonable person would not want to be an additional burden at what wllbe a stressful time?

DuelingFanjo · 16/08/2010 19:42

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

DuelingFanjo · 16/08/2010 19:47

"Is anyone else suprised by how many of theses threads there are actually? We all seem in agreement this is unreasonable. But for some reason everyone NOT on mumsnet seems to think it is ok."

I agree, though when I started a thread like this I did get A LOT of people on Mumsnet insisting that I would be grateful for the help with the housework - which I know I definitely will not be.

The scenario someone described above, where they came home from hospital with their baby to find people waiting in their house would horrify me.

PinkyMe · 16/08/2010 19:57

My MIL, FIL, SIL and her BF all stayed, uninvited for 4 days.
I made sure I explained to MIL and my own mum that DH only had 2 weeks off so we wanted to make sure he had a chance to bond with dd before he went back to work.

My own mother accepted this and delayed her flight here till DH was back at work, but the inlaws just moved in while I was still in Hosp. They wound my DH up no end and drove me to tears.

Before DH even picked me up they'd been interfering. Had a row with DH because he insisted on putting the baby seat in the back and FIL thought because we have a hatchback it should be in the front. Hmm

I couldn't just sit in my living room in my dressing gown as I wanted with dd. FIL spent the 4 days giving DH grief on silly things like the grass not been cut.

I had MIL and SIL sat on the end of the bed all day and stuffed into our little bathroom with DH and I while we tried to give dd her first bath. DH lost it in the end and told them all to stop crowding me.
And then there was the constant requests to take dd away so "I could get some much needed rest".

At one point I was so upset I crawled under the covers and just cried my eyes out. My mum thinks this was hormones and perhaps it was, but the situation didn't help. I have never told my DH this as I know just how guilty and upset he'll feel.
I have made up my mind though that if I ever have a second, there is no way I'm going through that again.
I will personally ask them to leave if I have to.

atswimtwolengths · 16/08/2010 20:02

Lucy, I live in the same house as them at the moment! I can't see them staying in their home town, however, so I suppose I'd be in the situation that the OP's parents are, where they have to travel.

I had my mum to stay for a week after my ex went back to work. She cooked and cleaned and kept me company in the day, then at 7 pm she went to her room (there's a tv there) and stayed there for the evening. I missed her when she left.