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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to not want guests staying over when newborn arrives?

75 replies

Emo76 · 16/08/2010 14:15

My parents in law live about 2h drive away, about 1 1/2 hours by public transport. They are in their 70s but both drive and are mobile etc. I get on well with them, and we have them to stay overnight several times a year.

HOWEVER I do not want to commit to putting them (or anyone else, including my parents) up for the night for at least the first few weeks when our second child arrives. I just want some space especially during the night for feeds etc. They are very welcome to visit as many times as they wish to but I don't want them staying the night. I just want to get on with things myself.

My husband thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 16/08/2010 20:02

omg, why didn't your DH put his foot down?

if anyone tries to get into my bedroom after I have given birth I will go mad!

Meglet · 16/08/2010 20:04

YANBU. I am of the opinion that one should lock the doors and turn the phone off after having a first baby. And only answer the door to the takeaway delivery driver.

If you have a huge house and helpful family then it might not be so bad, but otherwise I'd keep yourself to yourself for a few days at least.

atswimtwolengths · 16/08/2010 20:07

I think if you have a mum who can mother you and let you mother your own child, that's great. It's when they want to spend all the time holding the baby that there's a problem.

And (I know this might sound bad) but apart from visiting to see the baby, I don't see why the dad or father in law should be there for a lengthy stay. It just makes for more work.

Tootlesmummy · 16/08/2010 20:12

YANBU as I agree you want time to get into a routine. If you were saying your parents could come to stay then perhaps that was unreasonable but you're not so I'd stick to my guns!

zapostrophe · 16/08/2010 20:14

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RumourOfAHurricane · 16/08/2010 20:27

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fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2010 20:49

Mine lived close enough that they never needed to stay over, but MIL would spend hours in my house and would even follow me upstairs when I went to bf. It's true that some people just ignore hints and do whatever they want.

OP - stick to what you want. One of the nicest experiences when you've just had your baby, is coming home and being with your DH and other DCs and not having other people stay. As pleased as I was to see people,I was more pleased when they left.

PussinJimmyChoos · 16/08/2010 20:59

I'm with Shineon on this one...its for one night...suck it up and get on with it

I had my MIL staying with me for a month when DS was a month old, I had PND, was post c section and although she tried to help, it wasn't easy because of the language barrier (I don't speak much Arabic) and I was doing 3 meals a day including a meze style breakfast....it wasn't easy BUT in retrospect, I am glad she came because she had lots of cuddles with DS and it was the last time she visited here. We had two visits to her after that and she died New Years Eve in 2008

The day I came out of hospital, post c section, I had my mum, my cousin, my Gran, my sis and my BIL all turning up as a surprise and to see the baby...it was full on but I look back and think aww...that's my baby they were so keen to visit and cuddle.

Be grateful people are showing an interest - so many people don't even have parents around to visit - my DH doesn't and it will be felt when DC2 is born in March

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/08/2010 21:02

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PussinJimmyChoos · 16/08/2010 21:16

I would feel really really hurt if, in my 70's, I drove to see my Grandchild and was not put up for the night or asked to stay in a hotel...

Hope DS or his future wife do not turn out like this!

midnightsun · 16/08/2010 21:17

YANBU as only you know your in-laws and whether they will help or hinder.

But I thought I would want no visitors but when it came to it I was grateful for the help of my mother and then mother-in-law (they even overlapped for a few days, in our two bedroom flat). All the books in the world can't beat asking someone sympathetic who's done it before and what's more, it makes them GLOW with feeling good that they were able to help you.

I often hear people saying they don't want any visitors staying (or even visiting at all) when a new baby is first home and I think it's such a shame for the immediate family. Everybody's an expert before they give birth and so darned independent these days...

A baby's not a new toy to get possessive over, he or she is a little person who is also related to the extended family, not just his or her parents.

DuelingFanjo · 16/08/2010 21:17

pussinjimmychoos, maybe the best way to not get hurt is to not visit in the very early days?

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 16/08/2010 21:20

I'm throwing my hat into the ring with Pussin and Shine. It's ONE night, it's your childs grandparents. Suck it up.

PussinJimmyChoos · 16/08/2010 21:22

Fanjo - ahh but DH is Arabic, DS is half Arab and I've very much embraced the Arabic hospitality side of things and I would hope DS does also and as such, would see that a new baby does warrant visitors - albeit just very close relatives in the early days

My mum stayed for 2 weeks after DS was born and it was a Godsend. People in DHs work rolled their eyes and teased him about having his MIL staying but to DH its the most normal thing and to have someone around who loves the baby just as much as you do - bonus!

DuelingFanjo · 16/08/2010 21:25

ah well, if that's normal for you (and your son) then I am sure it wouldn't be a problem.

It's not normal for me so I would find it unbearable

PussinJimmyChoos · 16/08/2010 21:28

Obv it does depend if you actually get along with you parents/in laws, but if you do, then I can't see a problem with it

Each time my MIL stayed it was for a month at a time...twice pre DS and I found it hard sharing the house with another woman who had set ideas of doing things but you know what, would give anything to have her back again and gesturing for me to put washing on the line as it was sunny Bless her..

LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 23:11

I do get the impression that the opinions here that go against the OP are generally coming from a personal perspective. I think if everyone was able to be objective about this situation, they would see that not everyone would want the extra bodies in the house. I don't think it always comes down to the relationship between the parents and the GPs either, some GPs can be wonderful, but you simply want time alone with your newborn during their first few weeks. There's nothing wrong with that, and if the parents expressed a desire to have no overnight visits, the GPs, as well meaning and excited as they may be, must respect that. In some cases, the GPs are going to be extremely valuable to a family, but they shouldn't think it their right to move in with the parents. It isn't a right, and sometimes one night alone would be too much.

Personally, this isn't something that's going to be an issue for me as the GPs to my unborn DD live so close by they won't need to stay the night, but even if they didn't, I would probably not feel comfortable with them in the house overnight while I am recovering from the birth and hopefully trying to BF.

Snobear4000 · 16/08/2010 23:34

My parents flew out from Australia to see my DS when he was born and I made them stay in a B&B.

I love them dearly but even then, they were around too much, and needed to be entertained, and shown around London and so forth.

YANBU.

Newborns are hell and it's your castle. You have control of the drawbridge.

Rubytresses · 17/08/2010 02:11

Never posted before but had to share: I had the 17-year-old son of a 'sort of' business colleague of my husband (he has known him for years but never been particularly matey with him, and I'd never met the son and barely knew the father) staying with us on day 8 after my second son's birth, when living in California. My husband also spent most of the 20 minute drive home from the hospital (which I tried to film in parts, around the conversation) trying to reassure said teenager's mother in England that he'd look after her naive first-time traveler, while shooting me apologetic looks. So my husband spent most of that second week trying to entertain/look after visitor, bond with new baby, and spend real daddy time with our 2 and a half year old. Oh, and of that first week, husband had to work days 3-6. Very long days. Would've preferred in-laws to this situation, but no new mother should have to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable in any way, basically. Not unreasonable at all. (BTW, husband is utterly present/devoted father and none of this was ideal for him either!)

piprabbit · 17/08/2010 02:27

YANBU.

I am not a very keen hostess at the best of times.
Being a bleeding, leaking, weeping, hormonal wreck who is suffering from exhaustion, advanced guilt (why can't I make the baby eat/sleep/stop crying? I must be a Bad Mother) and quite a bit of pain is not going to make me a better hostess.

Nor do I want my in-laws or distant relatives to witness my humiliation struggle from the comfort of the spare room.

Original poster

Emo76 · 17/08/2010 07:57

Sorry, I should have been clearer. It may not be for one night, they tend to stay longer and whilst very sweet are not helpful.

OP posts:

Kathyjelly · 17/08/2010 08:04

YANBU. I can't think of anything worse.

moondog · 17/08/2010 13:20

Ruby, why in God's name did you agree to that??

cmutter · 17/08/2010 15:27

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I have asked for my IL's to come and stay with us for 3-4 wks after the birth of our 4th child. They live in Spain and I feel it would be exceptionally rude of me to ask them to stay in a hotel after a two day drive to help me.

My husband is self-employed so if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. We can afford to have him at home for 1 week but no longer. I am due to have a c-section and know that I will be unable to do the school run, housework, cooking and running around after my three lovely little boys. I feel very honoured that they have agreed to help us, afterall, it was our decision to have another child. They had very little say in the matter.

specialmagiclady · 17/08/2010 17:25

If you can limit them to one night I think that might be a compromise you could get through to your DH. You can put up with anything for 24 hours.

Tell him that you don't want to blight your relationship for the next 5 years, like what I did.

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