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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend wrapping her son in cotton wool

102 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:09

My friend bless her is lovely but the situation with her son is causing a bit of an issue.

He is very shy and tends to prefer to play on his own - no problem at all.

He is very demanding of her attention and often when we are out as a large group he demands they leave the main group and go off to a different part of the park etc - none of my business, shame not to see much of her, but none of my business.

But this is where the problem comes. When he is in a situation where he is playing alongside / with others (in particular my loud, over excited DS) he isn't willinging to get on with it, if he wants a toy, mum has to ask the other child etc, he cries because my DS cuddles him, or is to loud or is playing on something he wants etc etc etc.

Today DS and his other pals were playing a very annoying game in the park, chase type thing. All shouting loudly and I had just told my DS to quieten down a bit, as other mums have told their LO's to as well. Friends DS didn't like it and shouted at DS to get out the way as he rah past.

To my shock my friend shouted "Well done x, that's right you tell them not to do that" then turned round to me and said "I'm trying to make him more confident"

AIBU to find this situation each play date really hard work. She is really wrapping him in cotton wool (her choice nothing to do with me) but its starting to impact on the other children and I don't think this was very fair on my DS today.

Don't get me wrong my DS is no angle but when out with other friends we tend to let them have a good go at sorting things out for themselves before wadding in.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 13/08/2010 21:12

I would leave the children to sort it out for themselves and not overthink the situation. Sounds like your friend realises that her son needs to be more independant and assertive....best leave itto them to work it out in whatever way they can.

thesecondcoming · 13/08/2010 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:14

How do I stop her wadding in though?? Everytime we all get together tantrums occur as other children have to give things up as her DS wants them and his mum asks the children to give him a turn etc. Its really hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:15

They are almost 3 thesecondcoming

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 13/08/2010 21:17

can you not tell that he has a problem of some sort, i can see it from what you have written here!
I think you should let it go unless he starts to get nasty, or if your DS feels hurts etc.
She has a lot more problems coming up and i get the impression she is just trying to do her best with a child who clearly seems to be sensitive.
I also thing she was trying to encourage him to be more assertive, maybe not entirely in the right way, but i don't see that as wrapping him up etc.

OnEdge · 13/08/2010 21:18

No, I am in a similar situation with my freind. Our DD aged 3 play together and are best freinds. My daughter can out think and out run hers.

We were on the beach, and my daughter ran up to her, and then ran away looking over her shoulder, she was trying to initiate a game of catch/chase. My freind's daughter sat in the sand, slammed her hands and cried. My freind said really loudly

"Don't do it ! Just ignore her " like my DD ws being nasty. Its only cos her's is clumsy and can't keep up

It is hard to know what to do. Also, she turns a blind eye if her daughter hurts mine, but if my daughter hurts hers, usually in retaliation, she comes down on her like a ton of bricks.

I am torn because i want to stick up for my DD but I havn't got the confidence to do it.

Yesterday her DD whacked mine around the head with a bike, luckily there was an independant person there who saw it and told us. Freind had no choice but to accept this, and sort it out. She later tried to say that the huge bruise on her head was paint Hmm

scurryfunge · 13/08/2010 21:19

Just ignore her requests and reinforce with comments like, " we share toys" or "we take it in turns" or divert the child to another toy.

Whelk · 13/08/2010 21:19

She may have her own good reasons if her child is shy, quiet and often gets pushed around.
It all sounds a bit petty tbh

OnEdge · 13/08/2010 21:23

Just a thought, your freind's son might be autistic?

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/08/2010 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFergie · 13/08/2010 21:25

When I read your post the first thing that popped into my head was that this child could have some type of autistic spectrum disorder. It could be that or there could be some type of personality clash with your DS. I had that with my DD and one of my friends DD. They were the same ages and just fought the whole time when we met up. As they got older they started to get on better. They are 3.8 months now and only fight about 30% of the time.
When you are together I would do as scurryfunge says and just say 'DS has the toy now when he his finished he will give it to you and you can play with it'.
As for tantrums and crying I think that par for the course with 2 year olds.

scurryfunge · 13/08/2010 21:27

He doesn't sound autistic, just wanting his mum to himself and demanding things his own way....normal for a child that age.

thesecondcoming · 13/08/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 21:32

At three, my son was as you describe your friend's son, marypoppins. There was no 'wrapping him up in cotton wool' or 'wading in': it's just the way he was. It turns out he has Aspergers.

I absolutely don't mean to say that your friend's son has Aspergers. But I wouldn't be too quick to judge your friend or her child. Whatever is or isn't up with the little one, your friend is likely be having a hard time as it is. I have another child who doesn't have AS and, believe me, parenting her is a relative doddle.

Whelk · 13/08/2010 21:32

I would try to see things from your friend's point of view. Its not easy when your child doesn't play easily and happliy with other children. Her ds may have some kind of ASD or just may find it difficult to cope with lots of children in noisy situations.

If she really is your friend I would think about what might help her and her ds, perhaps meeting up one to one, at her home where her ds might feel more confident.

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:33

Thanks all, I have wondered about ASD but he is very young and I'm not a pro but any stretch of the imagination! There is a personality clash, but there always will be in any group and I just think as parents (whilst guiding them) you need to let them find their way.

Some good ideas about what to say to the children , thank you. Small quieter activities also sound a good idea. Perhaps even just the 2 of them? I really like her but today has really upset me....hormonal today perhaps....

OP posts:
ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 21:34

PS: OnEdge, aren't you being rather unkind about your friend's daughter? ( the other child being "clumsy" "my daughter can out think and out run hers" and so on). I hope you're not passing that attitude on to your daughter.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 21:35

Oh, and smaller, quieter activities sound like a v good idea for that particular child, maryp. Smile

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:36

OnEdge sounds like our situation to be honest. Not easy is it.

OP posts:
Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:37

YANBU to find the 'playdate' (that phrase makes me shudder) hard work.

YABU to say your friend is wrapping her DS in cotton wool. If you have no experience parenting a sensitive child then you should not pass comment/judge.

Agree that she should not have shouted her comment out to her DS.

Your post jut sounds patronising and judgy to me tbh.

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:38

And as for your post onedge

fucking hell is about all I can mange really

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:40

When do children develop empathy? DS gets upset if he see's another child upset, he cuddles and holds the hand of another child etc. But clearly doesn't get his friend needs him to back off a bit and not be too excitable around him!

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 13/08/2010 21:40

It doesn't sound to me like she's wrapping her DS in cotton wool at all. Just providing for his needs.

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:42

Gibbon my DS is very sensitive. Nursery/doctors/dentist is a major issue for us ATM, he is very upset with potty training and adjusting to his new brother and sharing my time. If only you knew! Not nice reading your unhelpful post.

OP posts:
Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:43

exactly Lynette

I thank the Lord I don't have any friends like the OP or onedge