friend wrapping her son in cotton wool

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

My friend bless her is lovely but the situation with her son is causing a bit of an issue.

He is very shy and tends to prefer to play on his own - no problem at all.

He is very demanding of her attention and often when we are out as a large group he demands they leave the main group and go off to a different part of the park etc - none of my business, shame not to see much of her, but none of my business.

But this is where the problem comes. When he is in a situation where he is playing alongside / with others (in particular my loud, over excited DS) he isn't willinging to get on with it, if he wants a toy, mum has to ask the other child etc, he cries because my DS cuddles him, or is to loud or is playing on something he wants etc etc etc.

Today DS and his other pals were playing a very annoying game in the park, chase type thing. All shouting loudly and I had just told my DS to quieten down a bit, as other mums have told their LO's to as well. Friends DS didn't like it and shouted at DS to get out the way as he rah past.

To my shock my friend shouted "Well done x, that's right you tell them not to do that" then turned round to me and said "I'm trying to make him more confident"

AIBU to find this situation each play date really hard work. She is really wrapping him in cotton wool (her choice nothing to do with me) but its starting to impact on the other children and I don't think this was very fair on my DS today.

Don't get me wrong my DS is no angle but when out with other friends we tend to let them have a good go at sorting things out for themselves before wadding in.

AIBU?

I also have fertility issues, mamadoc (mainly age, I think, in my case), and only one child so I know what you mean. DD is also not at all aggressive or pushy in the way that 99% of three and four year olds seem to be and I know EXACTLY what you mean about being blamed for taking care of a sensitive child more than for having a loud boisterous one.

pirate, my DD loves cuddles from me. She's just not that keen about anyone else, even her dad, which is a bit sad. I hope this will improve with time but I don't think pushing it is good for anyone.

If you listen to MN, every other child is autistic. I've seen it suggested at least 3 times today only in response to an OP.

They're 2, FFS. Thats all you need to know.

Thanks ladies for the reassurance about DS. He is adorable but very timid when out. He doesn't like children's loud noises and sudden movements. He also doesn't like it when another child tries to cuddle him. When I take him to toddler gym he won't go play on the toys/equipment unless I come with him, while other children his age are happily running around, climbing, jumping etc. The moment the rest of the children are gone he runs off to play quite happily!

I forget who asked if he's a good talker, but no he isn't particularly. He isn't making sentences yet, just saying single words.

I think the way we are when out and about could easily be perceived as me 'mollycoddling' DS. But the fact is he WANTS me to be close. He doesn't feel comfortable around all those children without me right by him. I would LOVE it if he would just go and play with the other kids, but that's just not how he is.

Exactly BonniePrinceBilly I totally agree, just because a young child is shy and does not talk very much does not mean that they are autistic, have autistic spectrum disorder. They are probably just shy and thats their personality, why does there have to be an automatic assumption of SN. Children are not robots, they all have their personality traits and little quirks, why cant children be children!

This is not only apparent within MN but within schools aswell. My dd 3.5 is seeing the SALT, she is a quiet thing, who is shy and preferres her own company (like my dh and MIL), yet the pre school that she goes to has expressed concern that she is not communicating as well with other children and staff and the Ed Psych is coming to assess her. We saw the SALT this week and she suggested peaedritician referral and possible ASD wtf she is still young and developing her social skills. We said no to the Paed referral as we can see improvements in her social communication, she is getting better everyday. Its not like dd is not communicating at all and is locked in her own little world. Just give her time and she will improve in her own time.

Why are young children unessessarily scrutinised, just let them be they are not robots but little people with their own personalities who develop at different rates. Ok if you see that there is a big problem and you notice significant difficulties, but dd is not far off other children just let her be.

One idea.

Playdates at home. Tell your friend you're introducing the idea of a timer for sharing toys to help your Ds improve sharing skills. I did that when DS was 3 with friends and it works wonders with all but the mos tunreasonable parents children. Then they all (learn to) understand about sharing and they all benefit.

My DS (5) hates cuddles, and touching from others unless he's invited it. Fair position I'd say.

Maybe think more about how you can help your DS deal with kids who are different, and if you like this friend, in particular this other child. Encouraging your DS to be kind. Invite them to play and involve DS in thinking what the other child would like. What has he got to play with that he has two of etc. Could you do chalk drawings on the door step to welcome him and make it all a more friendly environment? What games could you play that are fun and don't start loud but they can start to enjoy things and giggle together?

The reality is that we all have to deal with different types of people, you can never shield children or adults from that in the end. Whether you like it or not. Isn't our job as parents about helping our kids, and equipping them with the tools, to deal with the world as it is, not as you'd like it to be. Dealing with children who are different, and how your child deals with children who are different to them is an essential part of that and will shape the person they become.

Just because a toddler is shy, is sensitive, would rather play on their own does not mean that they are autistic. They are still babies and are developing, let them be imo. My HV told me once that a month is a long time in a young child's life and they can change all the time, in a years time I expect they wont be the same and will have developed their skills.

We are fine with the Ed psych referral and SALT intervention, with their help dd will probably catch up but a paed refferal wtf! What the hell for!

haven't read thread - supposed to be doing jobs!! - but going on the OP I think you are being mean and expecting way too much. The child in question is two!!!! It is NORMAL child development for a two year old to monopolise his mum and to want to play alone rather than with, which is why he takes her off to other parts of the park etc

Normal child development and I didn't see anything in your post as meaning she is 'wrapping him in cotton wool'

OP, I don't think you need concern yourself with how your friend parents her child - seems like she is doing a perfectly fine job to me.

On the other hand, there is no need to let her ride roughshod over your son's feelings to appease her ds. Decide how you want the 'rules' of sharing to be (timer, wait til the child with the toy has finished whatever) and either agree this with your friend or intervene on behalf of your ds when necessary. Both children need to learn to accommodate the needs of others to get on together.

What do you want the mum to do? Force her ds to play with the other children and then deal with his distress? It's not right for her to take toys off the other children for her ds, but that is the only thing she seems to be doing that is problematic. And if you were a sensitive friend, who could see that your friend is worried about a meltdown from her ds that would ruin an outing, maybe you could do more to make things easier for her, rather than judging? I have a friend whose ds has trouble sharing - if my ds wants to share his toys I would try to distract him to avoid issues. Another friend apologised to me and tried to distract her dd when her competitive behaviour was upsetting my ds, who like a pp described, is 'clumsy' and easily outrun. Surely that is how friends try to make things easier for each other? Especially when it is two years olds, who you can't expect to have sophisticated social skills.

Oh btw tryingtobemarypoppins, when I read your op I thought that you were talking about a much older child, but later on you mentioned that he was nearly 3, my goodness he is stil very young, normal toddler pre school behaviour imo and will probably grow out of it in time. If she is a good friend you could talk to her about possible stratergies to help her ds and mabey that this was not the best way of going about it. So much is expected of someone so young. We expect them to be walking, talking, potty trained and to maintain adult social skills and communication by the time they are 1, and forget that they are in fact still babies.

Its so hard to get across in posts just how the situation is, so I'll try another example.

In a soft play centre. Friends DS goes off with my DS to explore. They end up on a piece of equipment quite happily on it together. This was just out of our line of sight.

A few minutes later her DS comes back crying rubbing his leg. My friend without a seconds pause marched over to the equipment where another child now was with my DS and demanded to know why her DS was no longer on the toy and why he was crying. She had quite a tone in the voice and my DS and the other child looked a bit unsure. The other child was older and said "he got stuck on floor" and then her DS said "naughty floor/ mat" clearly he had just got his foot stuck in the gap between the mat and floor. "Right, well thats alright then" she then said.

You see this sort of thing happens everytime we meet up. You can't relax and I feel this really is NOT supporting her son and assuming every other child is naughty - again just not normal toddler behaviour.

I am not judging her - if I sound like I am I don't mean too. I am just asking if IABU to find this situation very hard to manage.

I feel like I spend every play time trying to distarct my child and others to ensure we avoid any upset.

Thanks for the advice though. I guess when your in the situation is easier to understand it from all sides, I don't think I have explained it well in this thread, but I do take on board what those of you disagreeing with me have said.

Parenthood is a mine field!

Well then, maybe stop meeting up with her so often. Doesn't sound like much fun for you or your ds. I find friendships at this age (under 5s) only work where both parents have similar ideas and approaches, however different the children are.

TTBMP - I think you now have a good opportunity to say something to her, she has said she's trying to make him more confident....so help her

Keep encouraging her to tell him to speak to the other kids himself - to ask for a toy etc and not jump in on his behalf, encourage her to let them sort it out themselves - just keep saying 'he will become more confident if he sorts this out himself', 'kids will be kids - let them sort it out'... Make comments that he wont become more confident if she keeps asking for things for him etc.

Maybe for a little while you will have to be a bit more involved than you would normally be and if she is asking your DS to give a toy to her DS, just jump in and say sure, when DS is finished playing with it FDS can have a turn :) '

If he 'tells the others off' again, either get in first and say something in a semi-joking way 'Hey, you, bossy boots - DS has his Mummy to tell him off, he doesn't need anyone else doing it :) ' or if she gets in first, just say 'Encouraging him to tell the others off wont help him make friends you know'.

It is very hard when friends parent differently.

Ah, now different parenting styles is/are a whole other topic. If the problem, marypoppins, is that your friend's parenting style is generally incompatible with yours, then I fear your friendship might be doomed. There is only so much difference that a friendship can take. I had a very good friend whose children were rude, shouty, and bad mannered. She systematically failed to do anything about it. She also failed to intervene when they smashed up our playhouse (I intervened at that point). When her son bit my daughter, she comforted him. I still like her very, very much - but no longer see her. I think it worked both ways: I think she was very fed up with me for (as she saw it) insisting on (to her mind) trivial things like children staying at the table to eat, and tidying toys away if they were at someone else's house.

Another issue is that if I were your friend, I wouldn't take a child of a sensitive disposition to group gatherings, soft play centres and so on at this stage. I'd start off closer to home while he's becoming more comfortable with other children yelling and rushing around. But that is definitely something for her to work out for herself, and she may just need the company.

Piglet, despite the fact that my son has AS, I'd agree with you re. waiting and seeing. I don't feel that we lost anything much by waiting until he was 8 to seek help. To my mind - and this is just my opinion and experience, and refers only to ultra-high-functioning Aspergers - it is more evident by this age that a child isn't going to 'grow out of it', and that certain behaviours are not a 'normal' part of the 8-y-o repertoire. While children are still young, so much can change.

And however old they are, you have the child you have, and a diagnosis doesn't change that child or how you respond to them. It just gives you more of an idea of why they act in certain ways.

I think aproaching your son like that at the soft play centre was out of order , as was praising him in the park for shouting at your son. She sounds aggressive and rude and clearly thinks its ok to encourage him to do the same.

Presumably she would have something to say if you spoke to her son like that. If you havent said anything about this before it will probably be hard to start .

I think id either stay away to be honest , she doesnt sound much fun. And whether or not he has any special needs really isnt the issue here , if he has that might explain his behaviour, but whats her excuse ?

Stop inviting her and him to play dates, simple

Sorry, RunawayWife, but that if you read the whole thread, you'll see why that's a rather mean "solution".

I think putting a small boy in a position where hes being yelled at and bossed about is mean. This woman sounds horrible. She orders the ops son of a bike so her son can have a go ?

Op if your son finds her scary and shes bossing your son about like this youll either have to be very clear , or just keep her away. What did you say when she odered your son off the bike ?

oh, oh

what like marshmallow man from Ghostbusters...

if so, will you post a picture please

My daughter used to always scream when any of her friends came near her. If I asked if she wanted to go home she would say no and after meeting up she would always be talking about her friends and calling them that. It used to really frustrate me and embarass me because the other 4 girls would be chasing each other and having so much fun. I could see in my daughters face that she wanted to join in but just didn't have the confidence. My friends were really nice about it and always tried to divert their children and tell me that all children are different and that there has to be quiet children as well as boistrous ones. I'm thankful for such supportive friends and my daughter (now 2) is really coming out of herself. She still gets a little distressed if things get very boistrous but she no longer screams. You should help your friend through this as her child is obviously a reserved character unlike his friends and needs plenty of reasurance. The comment from the other Mum was not helpful though - quiet reasurrance is better.

YABU.
The little boy in question is only 3... and obviously is having some problems/issues causing the type of behaviours you described.

Just impossible to say anything certain as i'm not a paediatrician , only a mum... and certainly not without personnaly knowing the boy. But some of the behaviours you mentionned, my DS who has ASD has/had them.