friend wrapping her son in cotton wool

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

My friend bless her is lovely but the situation with her son is causing a bit of an issue.

He is very shy and tends to prefer to play on his own - no problem at all.

He is very demanding of her attention and often when we are out as a large group he demands they leave the main group and go off to a different part of the park etc - none of my business, shame not to see much of her, but none of my business.

But this is where the problem comes. When he is in a situation where he is playing alongside / with others (in particular my loud, over excited DS) he isn't willinging to get on with it, if he wants a toy, mum has to ask the other child etc, he cries because my DS cuddles him, or is to loud or is playing on something he wants etc etc etc.

Today DS and his other pals were playing a very annoying game in the park, chase type thing. All shouting loudly and I had just told my DS to quieten down a bit, as other mums have told their LO's to as well. Friends DS didn't like it and shouted at DS to get out the way as he rah past.

To my shock my friend shouted "Well done x, that's right you tell them not to do that" then turned round to me and said "I'm trying to make him more confident"

AIBU to find this situation each play date really hard work. She is really wrapping him in cotton wool (her choice nothing to do with me) but its starting to impact on the other children and I don't think this was very fair on my DS today.

Don't get me wrong my DS is no angle but when out with other friends we tend to let them have a good go at sorting things out for themselves before wadding in.

AIBU?

MaryP: it's a myth that autism necessarily means no imagination. My DS has a marvellous imagination. It just doesn't quite tally with the rest of the world.

I think a bit of empathy is called for (especially from you onedge )!

FWIW, my DD has always been outgoing, boisterous, touchy-feely, to the point where she was going over the top and invading other children's personal space so much that some less sturdy children would avoid her. She thought she was 'loving them' and being their best friends, and it was heartbreaking to watch her intentions being misunderstood IYSWIM. Thankfully she has calmed down a lot now and has plenty of friends.

However DS is quiet, likes to sit with me when we go on playdates, and cries if any child looks at him is even slightly rough with him.

As a parent you have to help your child as much as you can to find their place. Yes they needs to do a lot of it on their own, and its easy to leave them to it if they are happy and socialising well. It is a lot more difficult when they are giving you cause for concern with regard to their interaction with others, and if they are unhappy.

I'm sorry, Arthuria, that must be very hard for you. My DD is a little different as I think she has a really overdeveloped sense of empathy for a child her age and I rather encourage her not to worry too much about what other children are thinking as she will instantly give up any coveted toy or game to another crying child and then feel really miserable about it, even if she had whatever it is first and it might have been reasonable to say 'it's my turn now, you can have this later on'. I remember her trying to apologise to her dad at not quite two because she wanted me and not him to kiss her knee when she'd fallen over and could tell he felt sad about it. This is why I encourage normal shouty (and yes, maybe a bit selfish) preschooler behaviour from her. Sometimes I feel like she has the weight of the world on her little shoulders and I feel sad for her.

Was your DS really upset, OP, or had he forgotten about it two minutes later?

Oh god, so agree with those who say, don't judge. the normal parenting that mothers give to asd children looks like mollycoddling to others. Well, all I can say is, you are lucky. parenting a regular issue kid is easy peasy lemon squeezy compared to parenting a child with even subtle SNs.

@ Horton.

Horton your DD sounds like mine, that's what I meant by highly emotional, feels everything so deeply. Breaks my heart at times. I was the same when I was young and still am tbh. I think that's what makes it harder to see, remembering how it overwhealming it felt as a child.

Horton he does find my friend a bit scary. When she tells my DS to get off his bike so X can have a go, his face drops, when she cheered on her DS today for shouting at my DS, he probablly wouldn't understand that....and may be confussed why he and his other friends were just told off for shouting yet X was praised. When she tells DS to stop hugging her DS he looks puzzled, when she tells my DS to not hold her DS hands he looks puzzled as 2 mins later I am praising him for holding another friends hand.

I'm sorry she is OTT and as far as we are all aware he DS doesn't have ASD.

dd is 8 now, and will always prob be senstive. maybe there IS a problem with her, maybe she has slight tendencies in her personality to being oversensitive, altho i havent looked at what the label may be.

Even now she hates loud noises, traffic, motorbikes, fireworks, has to cover her ears. Her tolerence isn't good, yet as she has got older the fear factor in these situations has abbated more becuase she can to some degree control her response and be more aware and use reasoning.

i did pick up a book once about very sensitive kids, sesitive to foods, grass, pebbles, god everything! I thought, oh that sounds like dd, but i put it down and carried on just dealing with her.

Genetically she is predisposed to being a worrier and a bit dramatic, from me and her dad. hard to explain that one. yet she is doing ok. her dad no longer sees her, and she has had to deal with alot, but mainly she is great.

but look at it the other way... if your DS was the shy, hesitant one and you were at her house and her DS wasnt sharing his toys...wouldnt you ask her DS if your DS could have a turn now please?
If her DS was grabbing your DS's hand and he was getting upset, wouldnt you ask him nicely not to do that please?
Fair enough you want to praise him for holding hands nicely with his friend, but its also a great opportunity to explain to him that not everyone likes that and its a good idea to ask first etc...

She cant be expected to let her DS be upset just because he is quieter than average.
There has to be a bit of empathy and understanding on both sides....

well on the one hand you moan that the child won't ask if he wants a toy, but then you moan when she encourages the child to express himself more directly . Haven't got a scooby whether friend's child has SN and in a sense that is irrelevant - just accept that you have a different approach to your friend, as your children are different. just as you are concerned your child isn't treated harshly, she is equally mama tiger about hers. try and keep the long view - a few years down the line, your child is likely to irritate your friend - what goes around comes around.

I was a bit the same, Gibbon, too, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

When she tells DS to stop hugging her DS he looks puzzled, when she tells my DS to not hold her DS hands he looks puzzled as 2 mins later I am praising him for holding another friends hand.

I promise I am not being deliberately argumentative but can you not explain to your son that friend's DS doesn't like holding hands so don't do it with him and let that be an end of it? Fine to say that most people like it. Also, perhaps you can just say that friend's DS is very shy and needs to learn how to shout like other people do. I honestly don't think that it is abnormal for a three year old to shout 'don't do that' at another three year old so am slightly puzzled as to why he would even notice apart from maybe wading into the argument to point out that he can run if he wants to!

But I agree that your friend shouldn't be telling your son to get off his own bike so someone else can have a go unless previously cleared with you.

My daughter absolutely doesn't have any kind of autistic spectrum issues as far as I can tell but she hates other people cuddling/kissing/holding hands with her unless she has actively invited it. It is actually a reasonable position to hold as a human being! Just because the boy doesn't have ASD that is no reason for others not to respect his personal space etc.

MP: "as far as we're all aware" is important here. I don't know if he has ASD; your friend wouldn't necessarily know if - and I stress if - her child had ASD at that age. For all you know, she suspects it. Even if not - and the chances are he doesn't have and ASD, as they're not that common - he obviously finds 'normal' childhood behaviour distressing for whatever reason. It's a pain for you but, believe me, it's even more of a pain for his mother.

I suggest you use it as a chance to explain to your son that his friendliness is lovely, and that most people really like it - but that there are some children who don't feel the same, and who don't like to be touched. I don't like to be touched by friends, never mind strangers, and I'm not shy or retiring. I just don't like people encroaching on my physical space, and I make sure my DD doesn't encroach on others' space (she's touchy-feely and rather boisterous - rather like a particularly large and friendly puppy. I find her delightful, but I know that not all children will appreciate her type of atttention!)

I know what your saying Fel1x but she would never say "why don't you play with that until he has finished." The second he wants something, he gets it.

believe me, it's even more of a pain for his mother

HAHA! Seconded heartily.

I make sure my DD doesn't encroach on others' space (she's touchy-feely and rather boisterous - rather like a particularly large and friendly puppy

My non-touchy feely DD is like this with words. She will literally talk another child into complete submission/desperate desire to run away in a matter of minutes. I have had to explain to her that not everyone enjoys a barrage of questions, much as she might like it, and that she should stick to Hello and What's your name? as opening salvos until she's really sure the other child actually wants to talk to her.

piratecat so when she was 3 what would her behaviour have looked like?

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy Good advice. I assume you mean to have that conversation at the time, or later on? Funny the puppy analogy....very true!

like she was being to needy or daft. Like she was trying hard to get to grips with the world, as though she couldn't brush off some things that other children seemed easily able to do.

Is she a single parent? I notice a lot of boys have issues of sensitivity if they grow up with just their mums...mines no exception.

I don't think he sounds ASD just as you say slightly closeted. Rude/too quiet/anti social boys are always passes of as ASD but are quite often just "boys"IMHO.
Other peoples children are always brought up differently. It's just one of things that are sent to try us.

If DD were not a girl I would fear that I am OPs friend.

DD is shy, clingy to me and cries easily if other children invade her space or mess up her game.

I really find it hard to know what to do.
I see other mothers who clearly think I mollycoddle her but what am I supposed to do push her away, refuse to comfort her when she's scared so she'll toughen up.

I have asked other children not to cuddle her when she clearly isn't enjoying it but is too shy to say so herself.

She comes crying to me if others won't share rather than sorting it out for herself so I usually suggest taking turns or offering a swop for something. I thought that was showing her a constructive strategy.

I have encouraged her to speak up if people do things she doesn't like especially the hugging. I feel similarly to Horton. I don't think DD has special needs she's just shy as am I. I hate hugs or kisses from random people. It is her right to refuse and I support her in that.
One friend in particular praises her DD for being affectionate even when its clear the affection isn't wanted which IMHO isn't helping her learn social rules.

tbh its such a minefield that I avoid playdates and playgroups which is probably storing up more problems for school. My dream is she finds another shy kid to play with which was what saved me!

like she was being to needy or daft

This is just like my daughter. She's fine in many ways, likes people, likes talking, likes interacting, displays empathy well beyond her years BUT put her in a situation with other kids of her age doing normal kid things (running, shouting, pushing, hugging, rolling about) and she just kind of freezes up and actively needs me to rescue her as she hasn't the smallest idea of how to get away or stop whatever it is that she doesn't like. Sweet friendly puppyish children come up and hug her and she reacts like you or I would if hugged by a random smelly stranger in a lift. She's not particularly timid in some situations - loves to talk to a new adult or an older child, loves to be pushed insanely high on a swing etc, but children her own age are a real problem for her and I am very much aware that probably some mothers of more friendly children think that she is totally daft and I am completely pandering to her and probably exacerbating the problem. I don't actually think it is a problem, btw, I just think she needs a bit more time to get to grips with these things than most.

My dream is she finds another shy kid to play with which was what saved me!

I would also love this for my DD!

BTW, mamadoc, I don't know how old your DD is but my strategy of encouraging mine to speak up for herself has really started to pay dividends very recently. She's four in September and has in the last few months started to be really good at asking for a turn on things or asking other children to play what she wants or stopping another child from nicking whatever she is playing with. It doesn't always work and sometimes an adult has to mediate but at least she is saying what she wants.

gosh yes, speaking up, my dd took her time, but now she is good at it.

horton, my dd hated close physical contact from birth, hated to be cuddled, it was hard. if other kids hugged her she would freeze too!!

she likes it lots now tho.

DD won't be 4 til next April so a bit younger.

She seems exactly like your DD. She is more confident with adults than other kids.

I have endlessly worried that its because she is an only pfb (fertility issues) or because I don't take her out enough.

Essentially though its not a great surprise dh and I are both shy, quiet people so we were hardly likely to produce an extrovert kid.

All kids have their problems. She has never in her life been even the smallest bit aggressive which most toddlers are a bit. I feel I get more blamed for my child's slightly odd 3 yr old behaviours than others do for more boisterous children.

YANBU

I have one friend and 1 incident from either her 3 yo or 18 mo when we are out and she's off home in a huff, like it's the worst thing a child has ever done.

I've discussed with her loads of times to relax a bit more, but no. She has made a MASSIVE rod for her own back.