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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend wrapping her son in cotton wool

102 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:09

My friend bless her is lovely but the situation with her son is causing a bit of an issue.

He is very shy and tends to prefer to play on his own - no problem at all.

He is very demanding of her attention and often when we are out as a large group he demands they leave the main group and go off to a different part of the park etc - none of my business, shame not to see much of her, but none of my business.

But this is where the problem comes. When he is in a situation where he is playing alongside / with others (in particular my loud, over excited DS) he isn't willinging to get on with it, if he wants a toy, mum has to ask the other child etc, he cries because my DS cuddles him, or is to loud or is playing on something he wants etc etc etc.

Today DS and his other pals were playing a very annoying game in the park, chase type thing. All shouting loudly and I had just told my DS to quieten down a bit, as other mums have told their LO's to as well. Friends DS didn't like it and shouted at DS to get out the way as he rah past.

To my shock my friend shouted "Well done x, that's right you tell them not to do that" then turned round to me and said "I'm trying to make him more confident"

AIBU to find this situation each play date really hard work. She is really wrapping him in cotton wool (her choice nothing to do with me) but its starting to impact on the other children and I don't think this was very fair on my DS today.

Don't get me wrong my DS is no angle but when out with other friends we tend to let them have a good go at sorting things out for themselves before wadding in.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:44

LynetteScavo the trouble is he NEVER has to deal with anything himself.....hence my term wrapping in cotton wool, its hard to get the situation across, i'm not explaining it well.

OP posts:

QueenofDreams · 13/08/2010 21:44

Um question then please ladies: what are the signs of possible autism at this age? DS is nearly 2 and incredibly sensitive, doesn't mix well with other children etc. I am trying to encourage him to be more confident but he seems to be wary of other children, more open with adults.

Should I be watching out for possible ASD?

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:45

If your DS is sensitive (obviously in a different way to your 'friends' DS) then why on earth are you judging her to the extent of starting an AIBU thread?

You asked, I answered. I think you are being very unreasonable.

scurryfunge · 13/08/2010 21:46

No QoD, that sounds normal.....a nearly two-year-old can only think about themselves naturally.

QueenofDreams · 13/08/2010 21:48

Thanks scurry :) Just got a little worried at some of the responses there as the description hits quite close to ds!

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:48

QoD

Some children are just more sensitive, more than anything they need love, support and to not be pushed to behave in a way that others think they should. I'm sure your DS is a delight

Horton · 13/08/2010 21:48

I don't think it sounds like cotton wool, either. I have a daughter of nearly four who was very very upset by normal boisterous toddler behaviour at two and until pretty recently - she still loathes shouting or being grabbed or cuddled by a child she doesn't know and like extremely well. I did encourage her to tell other children what she didn't like stuff when they did it because she was so timid she would never have thought of saying anything herself. That's responding to your child's needs, not mollycoddling. Unfortunately some kids do need a bit of help to be averagely assertive. I was just the same as a child.

And for the record neither I nor my daughter are on the autistic spectrum any more than most rather shy quiet introverted NT people are. Some people really really don't like noise or rough play. It's just personality. Better that your friend's son learns to stick up for himself now rather than get bullied or sidelined later on.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:51

Gibon I'm not judging 'her' or 'DS', they are both lovely. I am judging her approach to things which is now starting to have an inpact on my DS. If it didn't effect anyone else I would say good on her, I know she is doing her best, as we all are. Parenting is bloody hard. Perhaps you could offer some ideas instead of digs?

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 13/08/2010 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horton · 13/08/2010 21:51

QoD, my DD didn't get the point of other children until v v recently. She is nearly four and still prefers adults, tbh. Is your son a good talker? I ask because for my DD it was only when other children wanted to have the same kinds of conversations she enjoys that she really started to enjoy their company. She's not autistic, just picky, shy and self-sufficient.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:54

Horton thanks for your comments, sounds very similar to my friends DS, only perhaps you handled things a bit differently.

"Better that your friend's son learns to stick up for himself now rather than get bullied or sidelined later on." I know this really worries her as she has mentioned it before....I guess its knowing how to actually do this without effecting others children.

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 21:56

What thesecondcoming said! Thanks for that!

OP posts:

Horton · 13/08/2010 21:57

Was your son really upset by your friend's DS shouting at him to stop? Because if he was, maybe you could explain to him that your friend's son was also upset because of the noise/shouting/whatever it was that he didn't like? I know at that age it may not sink in much but it's a way of turning being upset into a positive (thinking about what other people feel about your behaviour, which can never be a bad thing).

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:58

Trying - Fair point, my posts have not been helpful and for that I am sorry (is it obvious I have a sensitive child? )

I stand by feeling your OP was judgy, your DS got shouted at once (not nice for you to see) your friend has to witness her DS feeling umcomfortable and ill at ease pretty much all the time I would imagine.

Just try and see it from her point of view is all I'm trying to say I guess

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 21:59

Horton has said what I was tying to much more succinctly

Fel1x · 13/08/2010 22:03

It doesnt sound to me like she is wrapping him in cotton wool either.
It sounds like her son is upset a lot of the time by the way other children are behaving and she is just trying to help him be ok with the noise and boisterousness of the other children.

My DS1 was/is similar. He has aspergers.
Your friends child is most likely just shy/nervous but just because he doesnt have a 'label' doesnt mean he isnt feeling stressed in certain situations like my DS is.

Horton · 13/08/2010 22:04

Also, you know, with the shouting at your son, when a normal boisterous yell-ridden three year old shouts at another we tend to say 'no, don't shout, that's not nice, leave X alone' which is quite right. But when a child who finds it hard to stick up for themselves shouts, maybe it's okay for the mum to reinforce that in the same way that you might say to your son 'well done for sitting so nicely and quietly while I talked to the doctor' or whatever. We're all trying to get them to the same point of being able to stick up for themselves but also recognising other people's needs as having equal importance IYSWIM.

at Gibbon

doesthismakemeshallow · 13/08/2010 22:07

I agree, from the op, autism/aspergers screamed out at me.

Horton · 13/08/2010 22:11

IMO, all the people who are suggesting autism are quite mad. Just thought I'd throw that in there! This is a not quite three year old! Their social skills are pretty much nonexistent at this age. I think it takes a lot more than preferring quiet/playing with your mum to running about shouting to diagnose autism!!

piratecat · 13/08/2010 22:12

just sounds sensitive to me.

it's really hard when you have a child who is sensitive. to sounds, to motion, to moods, to textures , well everything. my dd was like that and still is in some ways, but at that age the world was a big scary place to her.

i found it so hard to know when to step in, or help her by leaving her to it. Most of the time she would get overwhelmed and have to leave, or be physically taken to a quiet corner. She was looking for my approval and support all the time.

I really didn't want to label her, and while she is still a little sensitive, to the things above, she is and always has been outgoing which is a real plus. i think it would have been very hard if she was also very shy.

Let the boy be, and let his mum do what she feels is best. Thats all we can do.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 22:12

MaryP: empathy is a tricky one. My son is now eight, and still has no empathy. But, as I said, he has AS. We're trying to teach him to at least make the right noises, even if he doesn't feel anything. We've been encouraging empathy from birth, to no avail! DD, however, has shown empathy (or has demonstrated the signs of it - cuddling people better and so on) since toddlerhood. I think she learnt it particularly early, though - possibly as a result of witnessing our vain, repeated attempts to inculcate it in DS.

Horton, my DS was astonishingly articulate as a small child. But he still doesn't get the point of other children. He can't bear to be around them.

MaryP: I'd definitely see your friend and her DS on their own. She might well appreciate it.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 22:14

He is imaginative, he came today with 5 pairs of underwear on!

Its so hard as I really like her! Today just upset me. I feel that sometimes she upset my DS just to make her own DS happy and that's hard sometimes.

OP posts:

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 13/08/2010 22:16

Horton, I agree absolutely that it's 'mad' to diagnose autism just because a small child doesn't like noisy games. At the same time, I stand by the fact that my child was very much like the child in the OP when he was small, and he has Aspergers. We didn't know that then; we sort of suspected it, but didn't tell anyone until very recently. I have no more idea than anyone else on here whether the child in the OP is autistic. All I want to say is that you never know what's going on behind the scenes.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 13/08/2010 22:17

piratecat how does you DD demonstrate her sensitivity? Really interesting post.

OP posts:

Gibbon · 13/08/2010 22:17

piratecat my DD1 is the same, sensitive to noise, smells, highly enotional but outgoing too. She is nearly 4 and your post struck a real chord with me 'i found it so hard to know when to step in, or help her by leaving her to it.'

It's really tough at times

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