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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House guests visiting when DS3 is 6wks old?

119 replies

mrsmindcontrol · 11/08/2010 20:09

Prepared for a flaming here as DH is sooo angry with me that I am starting to think that IABU.

Background - we live at one end of the country, ILs live at the other end. DH and I have been together for 8 years and the ILs have made the trip to see us once whereas we have traipsed up to them countless times- in recent years taking DS1 and DS2 with us. Always stressful - 4hr+ car journeys with babies and toddlers are never fun. I've moaned to DH a lot about the imbalance in travelling and after our last visit told him I would not visit again until they came to see us.

Anyhow, DS3 is now 6 weeks old and the ILs have yet to meet him. SIL, BIL and their 2 DS are passing our way for a family camping holiday this weekend. DH mentioned to me that he might invite them to stay overnight. I said that whilst they are more than welcome to pop in/spend the day, I don't want all 4 of them to stay. I am sleep deprived and BF - I spend all evening with breasts exposed cluster feeding DS3 to sleep. DS1 and DS2 would have to vacate their bedrooms to accomodate visitors and are both highly strung and would NOT sleep.

Despite me saying this, DH has invited them to stay and they are due to be arriving on Saturday. I told him on Monday that I just wasn't comfortable with this and asked him to ring his sister to tell her that they'd have to change their plans. So far he'd not done it and has just lost his temper with me saying I am being unfair and we can't expect them to pay for a hotel etc etc.

So- AIBU?? I don't think so. In all honesty, I wouldn't want my close friends staying at the moment with the constant BF and broken sleep let alone a houseful of ILs.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/08/2010 20:11

I was about to say YABU, but if your children are going to have to move out of their rooms then that is a different thing altogether.

compo · 11/08/2010 20:12

As it is only one night I think it's reasonable that he wants them to stay
your oldest two will have loads of fun having a sleepover with their cousins
and you can be selfish and cluster feed in bed to avoid all the noise
it's one night, not a week!

compo · 11/08/2010 20:14

The kids wouldn't have to move our surely, cousins can sleep on their bedroom floors
sil and bil in the lounge
or if they're camping is your garden big enough for their tent?

TheCrackFox · 11/08/2010 20:16

YABU

1 He hardly ever sees his family
2 It is only one night
3 How would you like it if he started dictating when your family could stay? It is his house too, presumably.

EnglandAllenPoe · 11/08/2010 20:17

I don't think YABU because it sounds like your DH has presented you with a fait accompli against your express wish.

what to do though now he has put you in this position..difficult.

calling to cancel would be rude at this point, (though this would be your DH's fault)

having them would be v. stressful esp as I remember the evening cluster feed thing well (scream...feed..more screaming.more feeding...fuss fuss fuss to sleep hours later..whilst your baby is doing this no-one is your friend!)

You need to talk about this to your DH!

forehead · 11/08/2010 20:18

YABU,
It's only one night. Is it worth the hassle with your dh.?

AlistairSim · 11/08/2010 20:19

I think YABU.

It's one night, it won't kill you.

Probably.

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/08/2010 20:19

Our garden is big enough for tent but DH wouldn't let them sleep in that. My older boys are 3 and 4. Their cousins are 7 and 13. Just not practical to put them together. Besides, my eldest has night terrors and sleeps with all the lights on whereas the 3 yr old needs total darkness. Any attempts we have made in the past to put them in together have resulted in no sleep for any of us. Sleep is just so precious at the moment that I cannot countenance the thought of sacrificing any more of it!
These are honestly not excuses. Just the reality of my life!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 11/08/2010 20:22

Why do your children need to move out of their room? Can their cousins not room in with them?

And the SIL/BIL could sleep in the living room on an inflatable if no other room.

It wasn't ideal for your DH to present it to you in this way but it is also his house and he gets a say too. It's only one night. No, it might not be ideal, but family is important too - and this is your DH's family.

If you do insist on them having a hotel - you need to pay for it.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/08/2010 20:22

I think YABU aswell.

thesecondcoming · 11/08/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/08/2010 20:24

I do of course respect the fact that it is DH's house too and that he hardly ever sees his family but I am the one who is sleep deprived (he is having undisturbed nights), I am the one sat with my tits out every evening. I really don't feel comfortable with that amount of BF in front of the ILs.

Genuinely thought it wasn't unreasonable to suggest they come for the day and fuck off stay somewhere else for the night.

OP posts:
Ineedsomesleep · 11/08/2010 20:24

I think that YANBU. Pregnancy, birth and bfing are fucking hard. You should be taking it easy and he should be doing everything to help you continue feeding his child.

Is he going to be buying in the food, cleaning the house and cooking the meals while they stay then cleaning up after?

deemented · 11/08/2010 20:25

YANBU

It seems that the only reason they are visiting is to have somewhere to stay free of charge as they go on their journey.

TheCrackFox · 11/08/2010 20:26

13 and 7 yr olds would have no problem with sharing with 4 and 4 yr olds.

My boys (8 and 4) shared with their cousins (14 and 11) who they hardly ever see just the other week - they had a blast.

compo · 11/08/2010 20:26

Well your dh will be sorting out the elder two while you look after the baby
it's too late to cancel now
you'll survive you really will
you'll have extra pairs of hands to walk round with the baby
hopefully the weather will be nice and you can sit in the garden with a glass of wine and feel human again
the 7 and 13 yr olds can definietly sleep in the tent in the garden

forehead · 11/08/2010 20:28

OP,it must be the pregnancy hormones, i really cannot understand why you are getting upset over ONE night. One week is a different matter........

compo · 11/08/2010 20:28

Deemented - or it could be that they want to see their family and new nephew

compo · 11/08/2010 20:29

Lol forehead, op isn't pregnant

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/08/2010 20:29

OK. I've been flamed and I'll suck it up.
I do need to loosen up sometimes but perspective goes right out the window when sleep is but a distant memory.

But, I will just say that Ineedsomesleep makes a very valid point which I'd forgotten to make.
I will be buying in the food, cleaning the house and cooking the meals. DH works Saturdays and will arrive home from work just as ILs are arriving.

OP posts:
FurdyCone · 11/08/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedsomesleep · 11/08/2010 20:32

If thats the case then he needs to get you a big fat treat and do all the donkey work on Sunday.

TheCrackFox · 11/08/2010 20:32

Buy a takeaway. Dh can tidy up Friday evening.

I am sure your SIL/BIl will understand if your house isn't like a show house.

Raejj · 11/08/2010 20:37

Personally I don't think YABU. You're got a newborn. It's overwhelming. Your boobs are out half the night feeding your baby, you're no doubt awake half the night feeding/settling dc, possibly still recovering from birth and now you're expected to cook/clean for relatives?!?! Hmm, we're a great believer in space in my house :o. With a bit of divine intervention your little one might just keep your guests awake for a little time in night when he wakes up to be fedWink

Fluteyboots · 11/08/2010 20:39

Difficult one, I remembeer the cluster feeding/visitor dilemma well......

Since you are now in this situation, maybe you can compromise by insisting DH does cleaning etc before he goes to work or day before, and either prepares the food himself or asks the ILs to do it.

Get them to help with some jobs while they are there, hopefully they would offer to help with food, bedding etc. if all else fails, retreat to your bed with a good book, a bar of green&blacks and your cluster-feeding baby and leave them to it.