House guests visiting when DS3 is 6wks old?

[mrsmindcontrol]

Prepared for a flaming here as DH is sooo angry with me that I am starting to think that IABU.

Background - we live at one end of the country, ILs live at the other end. DH and I have been together for 8 years and the ILs have made the trip to see us once whereas we have traipsed up to them countless times- in recent years taking DS1 and DS2 with us. Always stressful - 4hr+ car journeys with babies and toddlers are never fun. I've moaned to DH a lot about the imbalance in travelling and after our last visit told him I would not visit again until they came to see us.

Anyhow, DS3 is now 6 weeks old and the ILs have yet to meet him. SIL, BIL and their 2 DS are passing our way for a family camping holiday this weekend. DH mentioned to me that he might invite them to stay overnight. I said that whilst they are more than welcome to pop in/spend the day, I don't want all 4 of them to stay. I am sleep deprived and BF - I spend all evening with breasts exposed cluster feeding DS3 to sleep. DS1 and DS2 would have to vacate their bedrooms to accomodate visitors and are both highly strung and would NOT sleep.

Despite me saying this, DH has invited them to stay and they are due to be arriving on Saturday. I told him on Monday that I just wasn't comfortable with this and asked him to ring his sister to tell her that they'd have to change their plans. So far he'd not done it and has just lost his temper with me saying I am being unfair and we can't expect them to pay for a hotel etc etc.

So- AIBU?? I don't think so. In all honesty, I wouldn't want my close friends staying at the moment with the constant BF and broken sleep let alone a houseful of ILs.

I think YANBU.

I had a very similar situation. My SIL, BIL and their 10 and 8 year old kids wanted to stay for 2 nights when DS2 was 4 weeks old. I think if it had just been SIL, it would have been fine, but having 2 adults and 2 grown up kids staying is a lot of extra people.

DH asked them to stay in a TravelLodge. SIL was obviously put out and kept on about how they would kip on the floor, they wouldn't mind etc etc. BUT, I am glad we stuck with it, having them all day for 3 days was nice, but was also nice when they headed off at 9ish each evening, not to return for 12 hours.

But from reading posts, maybe I was being selfish.

YANBU and if I were them I would understand if you cancelled

Just to give you some support, I think YANBU - exhausted, hormonal etc.. However it may be best to make the most of the situation and avoid further strife with DH and try to make the most of the visitors. The IL's may be happier camping in the garden as may be more conducive to their sleep. Put a positive spin on the garden option for them. Camping is fun especially in August. The IL"s are proabably dead excited to see you all and have forgotten what having a newborn is like. Go for the take-away, BF cluster feeding in your bedroom to get space & time with DS3. And hopefully your boys will have fun with their bigger cousins.

No reason for you to do it all.

DH can tidy Friday night.
Do an online shop order - or get DH too - to be delivered Friday evening.
Get a take away or buy stiff ike pizza to go straight in the oven and some bagged salad - minimal prep and cooking.

DH can do all the hosting and that means all - tidying up beforehand, chatting and all food and clearing up of that etc while you concentrate on the baby. In fact if I were you I would spend quite alot of the time in my room. His family - you are indisposed so he has to host. Oh and look after the older children while hes at it.

YANBU.

ILs can sleep in the living room - they should have airbed/sleeping bags with them, and if they're going camping then a night in a living room will be no big problem, which means that your DS's won't need to come out of their rooms and keep you up all night. Tell DH that you're not cleaning up after them, he can sort food etc and you're going to hole up in your room in the evening so you can sit with your boobs out in comfort and feed DS.

You never know, maybe the ILs will offer to get a takeaway in and entertain the other two boys for a bit, SIL might remember what hard work a newborn is, even if DH doesn't seem to have cottoned on!

And I'd be fucking furious that he'd asked them to stay even though you'd specifically asked if he could ask them to stay elsewhere.

BTW, I do dislike the whole tone some people have with the "its his family" thing. IMO it is YOUR family, once you marry your ILs are part of your family, and more importantly they are your child's family too.

YANBU - I think some of the posters on here have forgotten what it's like having a newborn, nevermind while looking after 2 other kids as well! You've said they could happily just pop in or meet up somewhere, it's not like you've said you don't want to see them.

If they have to stay, you should tell DH he will have to do everything - sort out food, sleeping arrangements, extra cleaning etc etc.

I'd be tempted to ring up SIL yourself if you have a good enough relationship with her and see if you can sort something else out - maybe they could pop in to see the baby then they can all go out for the day together and leave you and DS3 in peace!

I would be furious with my DH if I specifically asked him not to invite people to stay and he went ahead and did it anyway.

I would ask them all to sleep in the living room and I would tell DH that he is responsible for all the cooking /cleaning etc as these are his guests and not yours. While I don't think that having them stay for one night is the end of the world, I think your DH disregarding your wishes like this is way out of order.

oh, and forgot to mention if the elder DSs are up in the night cos of the disruption, tell DH HE has to go sort it out, you have enough on your plate!

I do agree with hulababy on that one.

YANBU - you have a new baby and two other kids to take care of. I wouldn't want any of my friends and family stopping with me that early on (and I usually love having people around to stop). I think your inlaws should have considered this and just checked that you felt up to having visitors stopping overnight alongside speaking to your DH.

I would feel exactly the same as you, but would counsel that you chill out a bit. This is people of your own generation, not parents in laws. They have had babies of their own quite recently. SIL will probably be thrilled to run around after you and hold the baby while you actually have a shower in peace, for e.g. You don't have to entertain them in style - a takeaway and a DVD is fine. You probably won't sleep much that night, but would you have anyway? No. So what's the difference, really? DH can do the bigger kids while you concentrate on the baby - then he might have a clue what you're going through.

YOu may find the 13 year old is responsible enough to take your kids on an outing - "adventure walk round the block" - slug-counting popular with my small boys without the grownups. At least they should entertain them a bit.

Once they're gone, the next day. just put on Toy Story or some such and all snuggle on the sofa together so you're not expecting great shakes from the sleep-deprived children.

I was cooking roast chicken for my parents in law when DS2 was 2 days old. They then tried to stay a 2nd night.... I had to get my DH to send them away. I don't think they've ever quite forgotten it.

I hate having houseguests to the point of unreasonableness, so I do sympathise with your situation, BUT it is only one night and you will get through it. You can get through it moaning and leaving bed feeling between you and your DH, or you can get through it with a smile on your face.

I will probably get flamed for this but PERSONALLY I would say something like to your DH "sorry I've been so grumpy about this, but with a 6 week old baby I'm still pretty hormonal. Of course your family are welcome, but I'm really not in a state to be the perfect hostess so can I just leave you to sort out the details. It will be pretty embarrassing if they come and we haven't prepared for them so can you make sure you get enough food and drink in and make something easy for dinner so you won't have too much clearing up afterwards - you'll probably want to spend your time chatting to them but I'll be heading off to bed early so won't be able to do much to help. You'd better have a think about where our kids are going to sleep as well, otherwise you'll be up all night with them if they don't settle". If he's not happy with that then you know HE is the one being unreasonable.

I agree with Sunny Delight.

I bet your SIL will be all over herself to help out as well. This is probably why they are coming. If it was your first, they wouldn't bother.

Just don't make it an issue, it's your 3rd baby and it's all up to you. If he thinks its a good idea, let him deal with it.

When it's all over, make sure you go out on regular nights over at your friends, crafting afternoons, work, anything. I did and my hubs is the best parent out of the two of us now. He realised that someone has to be organised( didn't before).

I have used cheeky stuff like the Organised Mum Calendar, but he loves it now, he has his own column and feels like he is part of our life again. Just like a farkin child.

YABU, but also setting your sights as a hostess too high, they are visiting you as family so no need to get beds etc ready, as others have said just give them sheets and instructions on which bed to put them on. Dinner is take away, obviously and your older kids can enjoy seeing their cousins. One of the higlights for me of dd2 - (I was a bit more precious and over protective with dd1) was how all my husbands nieces and nephews wanted to meet their new cousin - I remember at one point sitting bf with a semi-circle of 6 children sitting round me waiting for their chance of a cuddle...

I'd be outraged if dh tried to say my brother couldn't visit, and would never, and have never tried to be anything other than welcoming to his.

YANBU, in my opinion.I know how hard it is in the early weeks and I know how precious sleep is.Yes it is only one night, but you are sleep-deprived.You hardly feel like being a hostess, and although it is DH's home too, surely your needs, and those of your baby are more important right now.

I think people should be more sensitive to your needs. Why don't they visit when your LO is 6 months old?

YANBU if it means a whole lot of extra work for you and even more sleep disruption.

However, your DH has invited them (against your wishes) so place responsibility firmly in his lap.

• cleaning
• shopping
• organising food (including breakfast)
• beds and bedding
• cleaning up after they're gone

Sleeping arrangements - make it clear that your two elder DSs have to have separate rooms, because of the lights on/off issue. Therefore there is floor space in
a) the living room
b) a bedroom with lights on
c) a dark bedroom

In fact, I would be tempted to call SIL and tell her of the sleeping options - they may well decide that they'd prefer their tent or a hotel.

i wouldn't like it but it's family, so you can't really say no.

YANBU. I find it incredible that many posters have said that YABU because "It's only one night" and told you that you need to lower your standards as a hostess. The issue here is not how long the relatives would be staying or who is making the beds. The issue is that your DH thinks it is fine to totally disregard your wishes in this way, even after having discussed the matter with you. I would be having a serious chat with my DH if he pulled a stunt like this.

You mention in your OP that your DH has said that you can't expect them to pay for a hotel. Is cost the main issue? If so, would paying for a hotel yourself be the easiest way to get around the issue?

YANBU

And to be honest I would never stay at some-one's house who'd recently had a baby.

If you had a really close relationship with them then its different but you sound like you're struggling and its just too much.

Interestingly on another thread it was deemed ok to tell someone that they were un-invited as hosts too tired and there were no newborn babies involved there.

Get take aways! Just extra cereal and milk, and maybe bread.

I would make it very clear to my DH he was entertaining them, I had a baby to deal with.

But then my ILs would be cooking and cleaning for me, and their kids looking after mine. And we would definitely be having take away unless SIL brought food. They would probably insist on camping in the garden too.

I didn't realise how wonderful they were!

It's his family. It's one night. YABU.

Thank you all for your responses. Quite a split between reasonable & unreasonable. I guess what it's highlighted is a whole new set of issues. I AM anal about the state of my house. Couldn't have people here if the house is a state. No use telling me to relax. Just could not do it. The main issue is DH though. He doesn't 'do' hosting- ie it wouldn't occur to him that we'll need to sort bedding, towels, refreshments etc. Just would not compute. And then, while they're here, he'll leave it to me to organise food, drink, entertainment for the kids etc. He's a great guy but far too laid back really. I'm still so pissed off with him about the whole situation. He agreed 2 weeks ago to call them to get them to change their plans and obviously hoped that if he dragged his heels, I'd be backed into a corner. Grrrr!

I do sympathise, I am just the same about my home (it's a bloody curse isn't it) and DD2 is 6 weeks old but it's his family.