Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

House guests visiting when DS3 is 6wks old?

119 replies

mrsmindcontrol · 11/08/2010 20:09

Prepared for a flaming here as DH is sooo angry with me that I am starting to think that IABU.

Background - we live at one end of the country, ILs live at the other end. DH and I have been together for 8 years and the ILs have made the trip to see us once whereas we have traipsed up to them countless times- in recent years taking DS1 and DS2 with us. Always stressful - 4hr+ car journeys with babies and toddlers are never fun. I've moaned to DH a lot about the imbalance in travelling and after our last visit told him I would not visit again until they came to see us.

Anyhow, DS3 is now 6 weeks old and the ILs have yet to meet him. SIL, BIL and their 2 DS are passing our way for a family camping holiday this weekend. DH mentioned to me that he might invite them to stay overnight. I said that whilst they are more than welcome to pop in/spend the day, I don't want all 4 of them to stay. I am sleep deprived and BF - I spend all evening with breasts exposed cluster feeding DS3 to sleep. DS1 and DS2 would have to vacate their bedrooms to accomodate visitors and are both highly strung and would NOT sleep.

Despite me saying this, DH has invited them to stay and they are due to be arriving on Saturday. I told him on Monday that I just wasn't comfortable with this and asked him to ring his sister to tell her that they'd have to change their plans. So far he'd not done it and has just lost his temper with me saying I am being unfair and we can't expect them to pay for a hotel etc etc.

So- AIBU?? I don't think so. In all honesty, I wouldn't want my close friends staying at the moment with the constant BF and broken sleep let alone a houseful of ILs.

OP posts:

squishy · 11/08/2010 20:40

I agree with CrackFox, I'd ensure DH either tells them that the house is a state and he's sure they'll understand (maybe even help) or (and) do some housework!

Chunkamatic · 11/08/2010 20:46

I would feel exactly the same way as you OP, although I am usually unreasonable so can't assure you that you're not!

I'm sure it will be far less awful than you think.

Easywriter · 11/08/2010 21:06

I agree with you OP, it's the last thing you need.

I'd put up with it for one night only on the proviso tht they are good 'new baby' guests i.e. make their own cups of tea (and you whilst they're at it) etc.

I had mil and bil for about two weeks when my twin DD's were about 2 weeks old. They did nothing, even asked DP to go to the shops to get them an alternative to the meal I'd cooked which bil didn't like. I'm still spewing about it now 6 years later! (As if you hadn't noticed) F&%kers!

Al1son · 11/08/2010 21:18

YANBU!

You have a 6 week old baby, are breast feeding and sleep deprived. You're also trying to keep a house habitable and care for two other small children. I would have thought that was enough for anyone. Our grandmothers wouldn't have even been expected to cook a meal at this stage.

If you're anything like I was (and I only had 2 babies) you've got a system in place that allows you to cope. You aren't in any position to run around cooking, cleaning, making beds, etc and caring for four extra people.

If your DH really wants to invite family to the house that's fine. Hole yourself up in the bedroom and come out when it suits you and your baby.

Don't cook any meals or feel obliged to tidy up, make beds etc. Leave appropriate bedding out for DH or ILs to make up the beds, move things round etc. Tell DH to organise food as he sees fit and ask him to make sure that when you emerge you don't find a bomb site to sort out.

I actually think your ILs are being a bit unfair by coming. I would have stayed nearby and visited for a couple of hours or met up with you for a meal out if you'd preferred.

When in the early days of bfing I didn't really want people in the house. I told DH that when his parents visited they had to stay in the local travel lodge. Nobody batted an eyelid and my MIL is usually a champion at being self-centred. I think wanting to shut the world out at this stage is a bit of an instinctive thing.

If DH wants them there let him organise it while you concentrate on your baby. That's as it should be.

I guess I'll get flamed now too!

Housewife2010 · 11/08/2010 21:25

YANBU

I totally agree with Al1son. The good thing about breastfeeding too is that when you want a break from family gatherings you can just go & snuggle up with your baby & a magazine on a bed for a while & have some peace.
It's only 1 night. Do as Al1son suggests & it'll be over sooner than you think.

wherehasthedaygone · 11/08/2010 21:32

I don't normally say this but YAB a bit U.
It' just one night. Just keep out of their way (BF is a great excuse) let them see the babba and they'll be off. And I talk as someone who's not great with in laws who also live miles away. Plus it's not your first dc so you'll be a bit more relaxed about things.

PussinJimmyChoos · 11/08/2010 21:33

No no no ...let them come, spend the night with your tits right out and which ever one you don't have out, stuff bra with cabbage leaves and talk about mastitis - try to time this for when they are eating

maddy68 · 11/08/2010 21:33

I think you are being unreasonable - its one night - suck it up , get on with it and enjoy the break in routine.

LynetteScavo · 11/08/2010 21:34

Hmmmm...I can't decide if you are BU or not.

It's your 3rd baby, and he is 6 weeks. Surely you have mastered discreetly breastfeeing by now. And can even do it whilst cooking diner and putting DC to bed.
You can do it.

You just don't want to because you don't want to spend 24 hours with your in laws. Which I can understand.

katkouta · 11/08/2010 21:36

YANBU get them to pitch their tent in your garden!

paisleyleaf · 11/08/2010 21:39

I think YABU. But then I would also feel the same way as you do.
You complain they don't come down, aren't interested in seeing your family - well now they are.

thighsmadeofcheddar · 11/08/2010 21:41

Just put up with it for one night. I'm sure they're not expecting a night at the Ritz. And they'll probably expect you to be tired/breastfeeding etc. Get a takeaway too.

SeaTrek · 11/08/2010 21:42

No, YABU.

There is no way I would stay with a family who had just had a baby. I would definitely insist on staying at a local B & B if visiting.

Unfortunately, I know that a lot people don't think like this.

It sounds like it is going to happen though, so I would just try and enjoy it. You are going to be sleep-deprived anyway. Hopefully, it will provide a welcome distraction.

FakePlasticTrees · 11/08/2010 21:43

I think it's too late to cancel now, but DH has been v badly behaved to go behind your back and then stall to get to this situation.

So, how to make it better:
1/ DCs not out of their rooms, cousins sleeping on the floor in their rooms, tough if it's not a good night's sleep for cousins.

2/ BIL & SIL on floor in living room. (I'm assuming you don't have a guest room)

3/ Do you have a 2nd TV in the house? Put it in your bedroom, from 7pm until dc£ is alseep, you cluster feed in your bedroom watching what you want. DH is downstairs running around after everyone, cooking meal, bringing you drinks etc.

4/ you don't clean up for them arriving, they are arriving at a house with a 6 week old, they want a show home, they can clean. Or DH can.

5/ You buy lots of very good quality chocolate (eat in bed when cluster feeding and watching what you want on TV.

Easywriter · 11/08/2010 21:44

I don't know Lynette. I found that bf is a whole new ball game with each child as they all do it just a bit differently.

Until you learn exactly how your current newborn is, you're not discreet and besides in that 'haze' that is the first few months of a newborns life, you're so tired and have got so much to worry about even one more small thing feels like the straw that'll break the camels back.

I think you can make it work OP but I totally understand your dilemma.

thehairybabysmum · 11/08/2010 21:45

Sorry i think YABU, understandable to BU about anything when sleep deprived and BF though!

Its only 1 night and i reckon the thought of this will be worse than the reality. I worked myself into a right tizz about my parents staying over when ds2 was born and it was actually fine when it happened.

Your concerns dont match the beginning of your post though where you moan about noone coming to visit.

Agree DH to clean and take away. The older cousins will probably enetain your two older ones actually giving you a break maybe?

SeaTrek · 11/08/2010 21:45

Gosh sorry I meant YANBU!

abr1de · 11/08/2010 21:49

It's only one night. It might even be fun! Agree about the older cousins entertaining. Just get a bit ready-made lasagne and some salad and Ben & Jerry's.

OTTMummA · 11/08/2010 21:51

YANBU, but sounds like theres not a lot you can do except tell your darling Husband that you will not be entertaining/cooking/making tea/lifting anything except your New baby and the remote control for the evening, and that he can arrange the meal and set up the sleeping stuff.
Does your SIL have any children?
Because i can not genuienly believe she thinks this is ok of her to do?!

itsybitsy08 · 11/08/2010 21:52

Coming for the day is fine if they arent going to be getting in the way/being a pain ie if they eat snacks or drink something they wash up after themselves.

Staying overnight is a bit much imo when you have two small children and a bf newborn. You must be very tired and could do without the added pressure of having 4 people sleeping. I know if it was me, i would still feel like making beds up, cooking evening meal, sorting towels and breakfast etc as they are guests in my home.

so YANBU

Squitten · 11/08/2010 21:55

I think YABU in that it is only one night and you don't see this side of the family very much.

However, your DH should be doing it all - any cooking (honestly though, get a takeaway!), cleaning and general looking after of the visitors. In your position, I would expect DH to do everything!

Chathappy · 11/08/2010 21:55

I understand how you feel however I do feel yabu just because it's only one night. It is tiring but it's only one night and his family will want to see the new baby which is a nice thing. I would just suck it up. Get a takeaway, let everyone else tidy, breastfeed in your bedroom and chill out from the chaos there while everyone catches up. I bet afterwards you will find that it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

My sil and 2 ds will be staying with us about 6 weeks after dc3 is born in a few weeks and they will be staying for about a week. But they live in France, and we don't see them much. It will be a bit hectic but it's nice they make the effort to come here to see their new baby niece too. That one night will fly by so I would try not to think about it too much.

lilmrschatty · 11/08/2010 22:00

I think YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted to entertain when I had a 6 week old to look after. I would expect anyone needing to stay overnight to visit this early to book a hotel without even contemplating asking to stay the night. However, if your dh has invited them then it's not really their fault.

I guess there is nothing you can do about it now and like others have said it's only one night. I love the ideas of hiding in your bedroom with baby and chocolate and of expecting dh to do all the work. I hope it isn't too bad.

londonartemis · 11/08/2010 22:01

I think you are B a bit U. But the way to make it work for you ...and it is only ONE night...is to insist your DH sorts them out - buys the food in in advance, clears up after them and makes it clear he wouldn't be expecting you to do anything but look after DC3.

You sit back and watch the fun! You might even enjoy it - hope so!

CheeseandGherkins · 11/08/2010 22:08

I think YANBU at all.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread