House guests visiting when DS3 is 6wks old?

[mrsmindcontrol]

Prepared for a flaming here as DH is sooo angry with me that I am starting to think that IABU.

Background - we live at one end of the country, ILs live at the other end. DH and I have been together for 8 years and the ILs have made the trip to see us once whereas we have traipsed up to them countless times- in recent years taking DS1 and DS2 with us. Always stressful - 4hr+ car journeys with babies and toddlers are never fun. I've moaned to DH a lot about the imbalance in travelling and after our last visit told him I would not visit again until they came to see us.

Anyhow, DS3 is now 6 weeks old and the ILs have yet to meet him. SIL, BIL and their 2 DS are passing our way for a family camping holiday this weekend. DH mentioned to me that he might invite them to stay overnight. I said that whilst they are more than welcome to pop in/spend the day, I don't want all 4 of them to stay. I am sleep deprived and BF - I spend all evening with breasts exposed cluster feeding DS3 to sleep. DS1 and DS2 would have to vacate their bedrooms to accomodate visitors and are both highly strung and would NOT sleep.

Despite me saying this, DH has invited them to stay and they are due to be arriving on Saturday. I told him on Monday that I just wasn't comfortable with this and asked him to ring his sister to tell her that they'd have to change their plans. So far he'd not done it and has just lost his temper with me saying I am being unfair and we can't expect them to pay for a hotel etc etc.

So- AIBU?? I don't think so. In all honesty, I wouldn't want my close friends staying at the moment with the constant BF and broken sleep let alone a houseful of ILs.

i second that, bf is not easy, 3rd baby does not mean master, quite unsensible to assume, i think. i can't do it in public, i need to be topless.

it all depends on how intimate is your relationship with your in-laws, and who is going to do the extra work.

could you call your dsil and ask her to come in another occasion as everything is so chaotic right now?

I think that some of this depends on the ILs and the type of people they are and the relationship you have with them.
If one of my SILs arrived to stay overnight, I'd top myself straight away. If the other did, I'd get on my knees thanking God, as I know she'd arrive with lashings of food, wine, flowers, treats for the kids etc.. and pitch in being an enormous help.

I also think that the other key thing is your views about running a house and entertaining. Your DH is obviously viewing this as a casual affair, with pizzas on laps and bodies on the floor, him being a blokeand all (sorry Mr SilverFish), whereas you are thinking sparkling floors, furniture polish, crisp sheets and three courses with napkins.

Sort out the ground rules, the bottom one being DH in charge. Grit your teeth.

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted anyone staying when my DS was 6 weeks. It is hard enough at that stage as it is, without two other children and visitors being thrown into the equation...

YABU to be so opposed to their staying for one night, but

(a) Your DH is BU to present you with a fait accompli when you'd discussed it and he knew you were unhappy with the idea you should have finished arguing-- discussing it between you before he spoke to his family.

and

(b) Your DH should do the associated work, not you.

YABU.

The first paragraph of your post complains that your DHs side of the family never visit and it's you that does all the running.

Now they are coming to visit and only staying one night and you don't want them to.

I appreciate it's an inconvenience but you know what, they're family, it's only one night, suck it up.

Get your DH to sort out the sleeping arrangements, get a takeaway for you all, and a DVD for the children and let them bunk up together.

It's one day out of your life.

If you don't feel up to having house guests at the moment, I think your DH needs to respect that (all the more so if you both know all the cooking/cleaning/organising/settling children work is going to fall to you as it always does). He sounds quite inconsiderate actually, as do his family (if I was the SIL I would have rung you to ask if it's really OK, and offered to make other arrangements).

YANBU. My SIL had a baby recently (her first but still). We went over to visit for the day, taking lunch with us so she and her DP didn't need to do anything except eat and drink. There is absolutely no way we would stay the night with someone with a little baby even if passing through. I think it is pretty UR of your SIL to ask and extremely poor of your DH to go behind your back and keep the invitation open when he's planning to do precisely nothing to make your life easier.

I do think at this stage it is probably easier all round to go through with it but expect your DH, BIL and SIL to do all the work including looking after your other DC while you go to bed with the baby. Good luck

just a tiny correction ephiny, it is not fair to assume that her dh does no work whatsoever, the op does not say either way....my dh cleans, cooks, does the shopping, laundry, and takes care of ds, including bathing and getting up at night even if he works the next day... surely, he is not the only one.

Azazello - wish you were my SIL :). When my SIL, BIL and 2 grown up kids turned up 4 weeks after DS2 was born, we were left with empty food cupboards, crumbs and sweet wrappers everywhere, having to cook 3 different meals for the 4 of them (i.e. they never eat the same meal), dirty washing and feeling quite inferior for having a baby who at 4 weeks "he cries a lot, what's wrong with him?". Even now at 5 months, I get "he isn't sleeping through yet? What's wrong with you?" type questions. AGHHHH!!

Sorry, slight rant there

i can tell you what is wrong with your baby... a terrible auntie, my brother and sil came visit at 10 days old, i didn't cook, i didn't buy a meal, they did the shopping, and left the house tidier than it was when they arrived, clearly depends on the sister

Haven't read all of thread but YANBU. I would have hated this. It soumds like you are at the 'just coping' stage, and 4 houseguests and the associated disturbance would be too much.

If you really can't back out, in my position I would be reading my DP the riot act, along the lines of OK they can stay, BUT, if they are staying you need to do x, y and z so he is under no allusions.

We banned all house guests for about the first 8 weeks of DDs life, and we have a huge house, loads of room and are totally used to entertaining. We just felt it would be too much intrusion. This included having my mum stay with a family friend when she came to visit.

Hope this helps, you have my sympathy however this pans out.

KAty

i agree wouldliketoknow. maybe that's why opinions are so divided on this thread, as everyones families are so different. i do think though, that experiencing it 'first hand' has shown me what not to do when friends / family have babies!!

If it looks like you are going to get lumbered with the guests regardless of whether or not you want them or can cope with them, pull out a piece of A4 paper now and write down a huge list of everything that needs to be done before and during the visit.

From food to bedding to entertaining kids to cleaning to doing the washing afterwards. As detailed as possible.

Hand it to your dh and say that, if he is determined to have guests, then fine, here is the list of what he needs to do. Your job is sorting out baby and you can explain things on the list if he doesn't understand but that if he wants guests, you want all of that done and you will be furious if it isn't. And that it is ALL his responsibility.

If he complains it can lead to a constructive conversation about how it needs to be done and if it isn't then you can't do it so how is it going to be done etc etc...

but make sure it gets in writing (and keep a copy for yourself to check off against!) so there can be no arguments.

And then when guests are here and if he hasn't done something and complains (or they do) you can just point to the list and say he knew it was his responsibility...

exactly, sheep, and the sil has children, so surely she is not planning on being a nuisance, just visit and maybe lend a hand, or do i have too nice sils?

i second the list, your dh may think twice when he sees everything that needs to be done, in any case, cannot hurt....

if you really feel uncomfortable, can you put your foot down and say they're not coming and that's it?, i mean in my case, i was consulted before they made plans to travel, they only came cos i felt comfortable, they offer to be in a local hotel, i said no, and they were helpful, i was really happy to have family nearby, it really helped me cope with the first days, but as i said, my sil is really nice...

wouldliketoknow - I was just referring to the OP's comment 'He doesn't 'do' hosting- ie it wouldn't occur to him that we'll need to sort bedding, towels, refreshments etc. Just would not compute.'

Sorry if it seemed like I was implying all men were like that, glad to hear yours is not (mine is great too :)).

There's definitely a 'cultural bias' or whatever you want to call it, an expectation that this stuff is women's work, and unfortunately there are plenty of men who don't have much motivation to challenge that in their everyday lives.

ephiny, so true, sorry i miss the op's comment, baby brain...

YANBU - your dh should have respected your wishes. BFing is hard in early days and you want peace and privacy.

Well? How did it go?