House guests visiting when DS3 is 6wks old?

[mrsmindcontrol]

Prepared for a flaming here as DH is sooo angry with me that I am starting to think that IABU.

Background - we live at one end of the country, ILs live at the other end. DH and I have been together for 8 years and the ILs have made the trip to see us once whereas we have traipsed up to them countless times- in recent years taking DS1 and DS2 with us. Always stressful - 4hr+ car journeys with babies and toddlers are never fun. I've moaned to DH a lot about the imbalance in travelling and after our last visit told him I would not visit again until they came to see us.

Anyhow, DS3 is now 6 weeks old and the ILs have yet to meet him. SIL, BIL and their 2 DS are passing our way for a family camping holiday this weekend. DH mentioned to me that he might invite them to stay overnight. I said that whilst they are more than welcome to pop in/spend the day, I don't want all 4 of them to stay. I am sleep deprived and BF - I spend all evening with breasts exposed cluster feeding DS3 to sleep. DS1 and DS2 would have to vacate their bedrooms to accomodate visitors and are both highly strung and would NOT sleep.

Despite me saying this, DH has invited them to stay and they are due to be arriving on Saturday. I told him on Monday that I just wasn't comfortable with this and asked him to ring his sister to tell her that they'd have to change their plans. So far he'd not done it and has just lost his temper with me saying I am being unfair and we can't expect them to pay for a hotel etc etc.

So- AIBU?? I don't think so. In all honesty, I wouldn't want my close friends staying at the moment with the constant BF and broken sleep let alone a houseful of ILs.

This is what I'd do.
I would take to bed with the baby, whilst saying "oh I'm so glad you're here, I am sleep deprived blah blah, am off to feed baby and settle him"

and leave them to it till morning
But then I keep getting told I'm nasty and selfish and childish!

and also i hate having guests, no matter who they are

"DH works Saturdays and will arrive home from work just as ILs are arriving."

at which point I think you would be justified in handing him the baby and going for a long soak in the bath, or a sleep.

And... for the hosting/bedding thing. I think you need to hand him the bedding and direct him towards the rooms.

I can't decide whch side I am on tbh.
I am not particualrly houseproud and have had long term houseguests when DD's were born, IL's were actually staying from 2 days before DD2 was born to be here for DD2 and then for a week after, then my mum came for a week. They live so far away that if they want to see the DD's they have to stay here, I have no problem with that.
When SIL stays we put them all on the floor downstairs together with mattresses and duvets and they are fine, but I am not that houseproud so it doesn't bother me if people turn up and the house is a mess.
By my second I could BF discreetly in a room full of people so it does seem as if you are makign excuses about that and 6 weeks is not newborn really BUT
If you are not happy about then that is different and you need to insist that your DH does some work round the house if he expects them to stay, write a list and pin it to a door so he can see what you think needs to be done.

Mrsmindcontrol, I think it's decision time.

Either take option one;
your DH needs telling. Sit him down and tell him that you will be in the bedroom and these are the things he needs to do. Write a list if necessary. When the in-laws arrive say to them that you'll be feeding a lot of the time so if they would like drinks, etc to help themselves, you've put bedding out so can they work out who's sleeping where and sort it out please. Then leave them and DH to it. If they are at all decent they'll be fine with it, if not they shouldn't be there anyway.

or option two;
you eat your words, rush round after everyone, be the perfect hostess and let DH off the hook and end up shattered and resentful.

Oh and one more thing. You'll probably find that the reason your DH doesn't do hosting very well is because he doesn't need to - you do it! Perhaps now is a good time for him to learn and then he'll have a better idea of why you didn't want guests in the first place.

Mrsmindcontrol - I would suggest that you give him a choice: Either he cancels - OR he organises everything - and then LEAVE HIM TO IT. if he doesn't get food/tidy up etc - then there isn't any in - and make sure you explain this to the ILs - if he doesn't do that - then you do all of it - but he deals with the kids - including the crying/not sleeping etc.

Make him feel someof your pain - I am stunned that he is getting good nights sleep anyway, when you are not getting anysleep at all - no wonder he thinks this is manageable, he has no idea what you are going through.

Time to chuck your toys out of the pram on this one, I think.
He needs a Reality Check. Fast.
Loads of good advice here already, but you need to tell him straight that as it's too late to uninvite them, he's in charge of the whole shebang. Write him a list if necessary.
I'm a bit as to why he's "sooo angry" with you about this. He's the one who's out of line, but as you seem to be stuck with it, he's going to have to sort it, working on Saturday or not.

YABU I think. its just one night. Hopefully your dh will sort out most of the stuff for their arrival. I always ask myself how I would feel if it was the other way around. I know having a 6 week old is hard but so is not seeing your family. and BumptiousnadBustly Im sure the OP's dh is going through the same thing and "feeling her pain" but also would like to see his family for one night!!

YABU, but you shouldn't be the one doing the work. Be nice and welcoming and leave DH to sort out cleaning/food etc. If he isn't there (because of work) then it just doesn't get done.

Just had a houseguest with babies, I'm 30 wks pg and was surprised how much it got me down as I had made up beds but no...she needed me to take those down and make up others (at 11pm!) and so on and so forth and now I have a house to clean and 900 tons of sheets and blankets to launder! so...don't think YABU but you can get around it if DH will do his bit which is:

• all the hosting,
• all the laundry and clean up afterwards
• the cooking and washing up
• the food shopping

You can just smile and nod and then disappear off to bf and sleep... that's how I think that should go
good luck!
x

Oh boy. For what it's worth - and not sure if my view is welcome on here (being a man) - I don't think you are being unreasonable but I wonder if your husband is simply fed up with you moaning about visiting his family and so can't quite get his head around the issue being specifically about you being tired at this stage in your life. He's probably thinking first you told him they should come to visit as you didn't want to travel up there and now you are complaining they are coming to visit.

To repeat, I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I don't think your husband is being unreasonable either. However, I think the in laws are being really thoughtless. I'm not sure what the solution might be - perhaps you should just say you and the baby are moving into a hotel for the duration of the in laws' visit. Let them take the hint.

MR SILVER1

YANBU, you aresleep deprived already and it involves yet more sleep disruption for your other 2 dcs. When we have guests we have to jiggle the sleep arrangements round and invariably dd doesn't sleep so well and therefore bingo neither do i!! I find having guests extremely stressful and "only 1 night" = less sleep for you when you've got a newborn that makes a big bloody difference (and 6 weeks is still newborn, v demanding and labour intensive esp if bf).

Mind you I don't even visit for an hour or so after friends have had babies without making it's absolutely ok and they're not going to be overwhelmed. It's just polite, let alone trying to stay the night .

Am always at those who think it's ok to foist themselves on a family with a newborn.

I like Mr Silver's suestion - you stay in a hotel and get looked after!

But you would still come back to the work of houseguests i.e. unmaking all the beds, doing the laundry, clearing up.

I think YANBU at all. You are tired and all the work will fall on you. Unless you are strong enough to leave it all to your DP (and I'm not sure that I could - control freak) then you shouldn't have to have houseguests when you are tired and trying to recover from birth.

Also it does seem from your OP that they are cheekily using you as a free hotel for the night. Don't let them.

I think YANU - but YANBU to expect/ensure DH to carry the load & deal with any fallout re organising things for guests & kids sleeping etc. So have the guests to stay, but you just kick back with baby, feed, chat to guests etc - let DH & SIL/BIL take care of everything else - food, sleeping arrangements, clearing up. You sound exhausted!

I'm not pregnant, nor do i have a baby in the house, and on Fridya I made up 5 beds - ht eDses and spare room bed for visitors, and also made up 2 camp beds for the DSes.
Then on Sunday i had to strip 3 of them and wash the bedding plus make up another 4 beds for different visitors, then on Monday had 7 beds to strip and change. plus buying never neding bread and milk and chees and tidying up. By the end of it I was fed up and very resentful.
SO i think if you're tired and exhausted, then doing all this as well is going to make you more tired. Let your DH do it

YANBU, not at all in my book! I asked my dp to ask the IL not to stay when mine were new, you don't need any more hassle - you are busy looking after the baby and recovering from the birth etc.
I think your dp should be thinking of nothing but you and how wonderful you are and how he can help you, not asking anything of you at all. He should take the other kids camping with the inlaws to give you some peace.

Of course, you could wait for them to arrive then say "It would have been lovely if you could have stayed but as DH said when he called, I'm spending all evening with my boobs out and BIL and the boys won't want to see that, plus you'd have had an awful night's sleep on the floor. So which B&B did you get?...He did call you, didn't he?"

YANBU I have a new baby and totally understand that the prospect of this upheaval in your home on limited sleep plus constant feeding is stressful for you.

I would be tempted to take the baby and book into a nice hotel leaving dh to deal with the arrangements

yabu I'm afraid and are overthinking it. You don't need it uproot your dc, or cater as you have the perfect excuse not to participate and ask them to pitch in. They will have sleeping bags and maybe airbeds. Is there a park nearby they can decamp to duringhte afternoon and leave you in peace? Can you get dh to organise a takeaway for the evening or do a bbq ? Maybe a dvd and popcorn. Breakfast is a few packets of cereal and toast, while you have tea in bed with you emerging with ds3 towards the end. If they are going camping maybe money is tight and dh doesn't want to ask them to stay elsewhere?

YABU but I do understand. I hate having guests to stay.

But you have the perfect excuse to do nothing and it is only for one night.

YANBU to expect dh to pull his weight and take care of everything though.

YANBU.

Do your ILs not remember what having a baby in the house was like? Or did they have magic sleeping-through-the-night babies?

Sounds like thoughtless freeloading.

You could try dictating to DH that he'll have to play hostess with the mostess, make meals, and look after your DCs who won't sleep in the night. But realistically, will that happen, or will you feel obliged to do it all anyway?

i also have a newborn, and my db and dsil came to visit when he was 10 days old! for 5 days, so i understand your position. they offered to go to a hotel, but i said no.
however i am in two minds as you being unreasonable or not, depends on your relationship with your sil and their family, if she has kids surely she knows what to expect... will she be helpful, i mean re-arranging everything themselves, putting all back like it was, giving you a break with the other dcs, cleaning and cooking, or does she expect room-service?

I think you are definitely not BU. There is no way on earth I would descend on a family with young children and a six week old baby expecting them to accommodate and host me me for the night. Your IL's are extremely inconsiderate.

My ds is now six months old but I remember only too well that appalling, collicky, constantly feeding, sleep-deprived six week old state. If anyone had suggested that they come to stay with me at that stage I would have given them short shrift. Plus I was completely mental and extremely scary anyway so they would have taken one look and bolted anyway.

"It's your 3rd baby, and he is 6 weeks. Surely you have mastered discreetly breastfeeing by now. And can even do it whilst cooking diner and putting DC to bed.
You can do it"

Lynette - it sounds like you have been very lucky with bf. Like some of the other posters on here, I want through months and months of bf a screaming, fussing baby who would bob on and off the breast while making maximum noise. Somehow I persevered for 6 mths but no way was it discrete and no way could I have done it in public, with visitors in the room or definitely not whilst cooking dinner!

If the OP is experiencing any of this then I can see why she would want some privacy bf (albeit that could be done in another room)