To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

i know its a little late on and is probably of no use, but ohhh well anyway OP i agree with whoneedssleepanyway on that there sounds to be an underlying issue/s if you are willing to lose your marriage and family. going couselling again seems like a good idea but to be totally honest i think that if you can't trust your ds again then the marriage is over as there isn't really going to be much of one if that basic element isn't present.

Ball bag on the chin - ahhh those were the days

What the hell is a turk and slappage.

Is that like "slap and sniff"? Google it.

karmabeliever "The message is then that women have to settle for a lying, cheating, weak man, because being without one is worse? How fucking depressing."

So it would seem and if the woman does decide not to suck it up then it is her fault that the marriage is over. Not the poor man's no, he is only doing what men do, he can't be expected to control himself and put his wife's feelings before his need to get off.

I just couldn't live like that, is this the advice you would give your daughter in the same situation? Bloody Hell.

but fidelity can be hard ... when you have been married for a while its easy to be tempted, is it weak, yes, do you throw away your marriage because of a moment, a drunken one

are we all perfect?

i'm not, I am sure that there are times both my husband and I could be tempted by a simpler singler life, would i divorce him and put my son through a separation for a lapdance and a kiss with a colleague on a night out that went to far. No. Am I weak and a pushover - no, I recognise that it could as easily happen to me - maybe not the lapdance but the cock waving sounds interesting!

Well yes - because she was being unreasonable - getting everything out of perspective, it's just a lap dance after all. He's just been staring at some other woman's flange, getting an erection while she rubs against him.

So just shut up, put up, take the behaviour, because the thought that it might be unreasonable is silly, you are being shrewish and stifling.

And after all, you might end up

on
your
own

Well cheepz, how often are you putting yourself in a situation where you are out, drunk and flirting with men without your husband? I suppose that if you act like a single woman, then such things might happen. I would say that if you cannot go out socially without getting drunk, flirting with and kissing other men, then you should be avoiding such situations.
Or you need to address what is going on that makes such things appealing to you outside of your marriage.

he probably gets an erection 15 times a day, on the tube, in the office, in the shower, i the supermarket looking at watermelons

its not about just putting up with behavior you don't find appropriate or acceptable its about having an appropriate response - is it divorce an appropriate response?

Spacehopper and Snobear - loving your work

how juvenile

pfft - thats just naive. there is a difference between going out for a drink after work, and having some informal chat with your colleagues and 'drinking and flirting without your husband' like you would as a single lady on a night out. You spend alot of time with the people you work with, you get close to them, you work through difficult things together and you relax together sometimes at the end of the day. It is easy in this enviroment for attractions to develop. More often than not they never materialise into anything, sometimes they result in a minor indiscretion and sometimes they result in full blown affairs. It doesn't mean my marriage is in trouble because sometimes I find other men attractive, likewise I wouldn't punish my husband for the same.

I just think the mn - divorce him, he is a weak and feeble man you deserve better line - get wheeled out far too easily, and the holier than thou, I will not suffer any man who has human frailties as if we are all perfect sticks in my throat

But the random erections are not really relevant. It's not about being turned on.

I'd actually find the lapdance worse than the snog.

Going to a lapdancing bar on a stag night I would not like, but would not ask him not to.

Having a little kiss with a colleague when drunk in the circumstances described (as in after a work night out) I could forgive, although I would be upset.

But I have a very low opinion of men who pay for sex and I don't want to be married to one of them. Nor do I want my daughters raised in a house by someone who thinks they are worth no more than that by virtue of being female.

I really don't think I could get past it. It totally disgusts me that I have to live in a society where women are bought and sold in this way. I don't want to live in a house where that kind of nastiness is considered acceptable.

ski...I totally agree with you

my DH is equally as disgusted as I am

we have a teenage dd

her being forced to sell her body in this way makes me feel sick

But then a LD club isn't really about cheating; it's basically live porn without the opportunity to have a wank. There's no touching, it's all ogling.

I've little to add to the central debate, really, as people demand different levels of 'fidelity' in their relationships. Personally I think it's a massive overreaction, but then I'd not be with a partner whose idea of allowable behaviour differed to strongly from mine.

Cheepz - there is no need to be so patronising. I am well aware of what you are describing. I am not saying it is wrong to chat, or flirt. I am talking about when it goes further. I am saying that if you cannot chat and be social without it going further then something is wrong. You are talking about being tempted. I am saying that you can chat and drink socially without being tempted to take it further.
I'm not saying that once married you should never find anyone else attractive, but using that as a possible excuse for going one step too far and having a drunken snog/fumble/"minor indiscretion" is just a lie. Saying "well, I'm human, I make mistakes, of course I find other people attractive" doesn't absolve you of responsibility to your OH.
You may feel that the line gets trotted out, but it's a hell of alot less offensive than "calm down, don't you worry you might end up alone if you make a fuss over something that clearly bothers you". And that is the point, that it DOES bother the OP.

I was being patronising because you were being rude - i found this post.....

Well cheepz, how often are you putting yourself in a situation where you are out, drunk and flirting with men without your husband? I suppose that if you act like a single woman, then such things might happen. I would say that if you cannot go out socially without getting drunk, flirting with and kissing other men, then you should be avoiding such situations.
Or you need to address what is going on that makes such things appealing to you outside of your marriage.

... pretty fucking offensive and it illicited in me the need to respond in a similarly irritating fashion - I will stop if you will

I agree that the calm down dont make a fuss you might end up on your own is worse and I am not advocating that, but i think hearales make the point i would make but much better in reflecting that its about having a partner whose idea of allowable behaviour differed strongly to mine

or rather not having a partner whose idea of allowable behaviour differed strongly to mine

No, the message is that they have to fully evaluate why they are leaving, what is ahead, and the consequences of the split before deciding they no longer want to work in fixing the relationship.

Because as much as I despise lap dancing clubs... I don't think a couple of hours visit to one is enough to modify your life for YEARS to come, and to throw away everything that was built as a couple.

Now, if there are other more permanent issues... go
If not, I reiterate... grow up. My exh never went to a LDC -to my knowledge-, but he had drinks with women from time to time, even with his exes, and to be honest, that was never a problem for me, not because I agree with extramarital relationships but because I trusted our relationship enough to know that having a drink with a female coleague didn't mean he was disrespecting me. I knew that at that point in his life... I was the one.
So, yes, I suggest she has to work in her own self steem and other issues, before attempting to leave the marriage.

And finally, over the years I have been around, I have noticed that in Mumsnet people tend to shout "leave him, you deserve better" everytime someone complains about the husband. True, in some cases men deserve to be left but people here are only seeing a tiny space of your life and supporting the split without knowing the details. One thing is true, plenty of people shout "leave him" but when you leave and find yourself on your own, with problems you never expected to find, the answer to your questions will not be the overwhelming support you got to throw him out of your life, but a polite " I have never been in that situation but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. Someone will come along later.. "

What LeQueen said. Totally.

me too