Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

432 replies

chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 10:47

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

OP posts:
nottirednow · 09/08/2010 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 09/08/2010 17:31

See I don't get all the game playing and separate rooms and threats of violence etc. What a waste of your life trying to get someone to be something they are not/act in a certain way. Miserable.

sorky · 09/08/2010 17:41

"either your dh is a disrespectful prick because he's visited a LD club and therefore cannot possibly be part of a 'respectful, fulfilling relationship'... or a saint.

Who said this? what a load of rubbish...

It's not disrespectful to me, for my Dh to visit a LDC.
He has been to one. It's seemingly more embarrassing for him than it is for me. It is disrespectful to lie, cheat and play mind games with your OH, as in the OP situation.

My post, because that's what you quoted, was a response to the cheap shot aimed at AnyFucker.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 18:30

Chocolatte you are deluding yourself. You started off saying that he took the work colleague out for a drink by herself and they kissed. You found out by 'textmess' the next day. You later say it could have developed into an affair if you hadn't caught it... you went to councelling.

Now it's just a peck, not a kiss, after they'd been out with other colleagues (then had a drink by themselves).

I don't care what you tell us, you could be a hairy lorry driver leading us all up the garden path.... but you need to be clear about what happened.

You only found out about the colleague because of the text messages.

It clearly wasn't a 'non event' as you went to councelling because of it. So how can you now say it was a peck??

During your councelling sessions he did not take the opportunity to tell you about the lap dance 4 years previously - he's now decided you need to know about it Hmm

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 19:06

I believe it is disrespectful to all women...that these fucking places exist in the first place

and any man that uses them is no better than a john, who has to pay to get his rocks off

and family men ? with mothers, sisters, daughters....would they be equally happy for their own family to take their clothes and rub their tits in the faces of a load of pissed-up nob-enders ??

I think not..

sad, herd-like "boys will be boys" bullshit

and it is the women who buy into that crap that are the "deluded" ones

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 19:11

proudnsad...my DH is no saint

but he doesn't pay to watch some teenager (often with a drug problem to finance...forget that "happy hooker bullshit"...) grinding her hips for the delectation of a bunch of drunken twats either

it is black and white to me

I either want to be married to a bloke like that...or I don't

and I don't

ceres · 09/08/2010 19:32

Chocolatte2 - this is YOUR marriage and YOUR family you are talking about.

you really, really need to be speaking to your husband and not making a decision based on advice from strangers on the internet who know neither you nor your husband.

if you have nobody to confide in in real life then you should consider going for relationship counselling - you can have some sessions on your own as well as as a couple - or individual counselling.

i have no opinion on whether you should or shouldn't leave your husband, i do not know nearly enough about you or your relationship to be in a position to advise.

as to whether trust can be rebuilt - sometimes yes, sometimes no. people recover from much worse (full blown, longstanding affairs) and relationships have ended for much less. it's by the by really - this isn't about anyone else, it is about you, your relationship and your family.

whoneedssleepanyway · 09/08/2010 19:56

I seriously don't know what all the fuss is about with LDCs, clearly it would not be my first choice of place for DH to go but I trust him and at the end of the day I know that when he has been it has just been a group of guys having a drunken night out. I have been to one myself once and I don't know what all the fuss is about, they are pretty cheesey and you watch and pay a fortune for drinks. One of DH's family members actually runs one and whilst it isn't a business I would ever chose to be involved in, the girls are well looked after and earn a lot of money from it and they chose to do it, they aren't forced into it. I know that there are seedy and dodgey clubs too but not all LDCs are like that.

Are you seriously going to chuck away a marriage because in 5 years your DH has been to a LDC twice...? Have you ever done anything you know your DH would have not approved of and I am not talking about LDCs etc but anything as the principle is the same.

The kiss is another matter but again if it was a drunken hug with a colleague that then became a bit of a kiss I would be very angry and hurt but I would be able to forgive.

To throw a marriage and break a family up over the things you have described says to me that it is not just about these 3 incidents but there must be other underlying issues.... I really hope you give him another chance and that the counselling works out for you as it sounds as though you really love him.

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Orangerie · 09/08/2010 20:43

I recognise I have not read further than the 10 fist posts but in case that my opinion is worth something for the future...

Do you think that going to a lapdancing bar is bad???

Try to be a single parent for years on end, with the economic responsibility of raising your children alone, with the possibility of your ex taking your children from you, loosing your house, and all the bad feeling that comes from a divorce.... that is bad.

TBH... Normally I am quick to suggest splitting from an abusive man, a serial womaniser, a drug addict or a man but for going to a lap dancing club? all that misery for a woman, whose name he doesn't even know, who danced a few minutes on his lap?

FGS woman... grow up.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 20:51

grow up ?

how helpful Hmm

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2010 20:56

Indeed, AF - I agree with you. It's not about whether a LDC is as bad as other things, it;s not about what other women put up with - it's about what is acceptable in your marriage (the royal yours of course, not you specifically Grin). The man I married is not the sort of man to go to a LDC. I would not have married someone keen on such things. And as such - if he were to go to one, well then I would have to think about what sort of man he is, if he is the man I married.

I expect fidelity - getting a private dance with pussy in his face is not on for me. I would never think it appropriate for another man to wave his cock in my face, whether I was paying him or not, so why is it acceptable for men?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2010 20:57

You do not put up with behaviour that is unacceptable to you because the alternative is unpleasant.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/08/2010 20:58

The message is then that women have to settle for a lying, cheating, weak man, because being without one is worse? How fucking depressing

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hellymelly · 09/08/2010 21:01

I agree with anyfucker on this.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2010 21:09

SPACEHOPPER: My work here is done Grin

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Minxie1977 · 09/08/2010 21:18

It helped to make me laugh Spacehopper Grin

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 21:18

not really, SH Grin

Cheepz · 09/08/2010 21:19

the LDC is a moot point - you cant get divorced over a lap dance.. christ

now the kissing a colleague is abit different and more cause for concern - but even then if thats all it was - and it happens then if he has told you and been remorseful and you have had councelling it sounds like you just have a few issues you need to work out.

At least he is honest with you

DH and I both work and we both have nights out with colleagues and after a few drinks it does all get abit flirty sometimes, now Ive not cheated but I have been tempted and I bet he has too and I don't think that means he is weak any more than I am just that we are human, and when you work all day in close proximity to people who you get on with, when you all cut loose a little the banter can get a little bit lively.

HerBeatitude · 09/08/2010 21:23

Spacehopper go and snog your DH.

It's my dream to be married to a man who is weak and easily led. My dream I tell you. Hmm

Great role model there.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2010 21:30

Cheepz - IF he is being honest. She finds out that he took out and kissed someone else years ago. That he has been to a LDC and paid for a private dance when she asked him not to. He lied about going. Then she finds out that he has been before.

Being tempted to kiss someone else is not really the same as actually kissing someone else you know. And it might not make you a weak person if you kiss someone else, but (assuming you agree on monogamy in your marriage) it does mean that you're weak when it comes to fidelity. Really it is not THAT hard to not go around kissing other people.

CheerfulYank · 09/08/2010 21:30

Hmm. Well, if it were me and my DH, I think I'd try to work it out. However, I think it'd be the absolute last chance he'd get.

I am absolutely not okay with lap dances. To me, it's touching, it's sexual, it's cheating. I'd make my feelings on this known absolutely and that this is the last "slip-up" he gets. Then make it stick.