To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Why are there posters here going on about the woman breaking the marriage up when often it is the behaviour of the man that caused it?

Are women supposed to put up with unacceptable behaviour? If I married someone and he crossed that line in the sand am I supposed to put up with it, thereby giving him permission to do what he wants, or get accused of breaking up my marriage, when in reality it's his behaviour that has caused it, if I consider it a deal breaker and ask for a divorce

The above is hypothetical btw

hokey-dokey then

when my DH inevitably starts spending our money on getting lapdances, I'd better suck it up then

because he's a man, and that's what real men do

and I'd better not question him about it, because that would be too righteous and I will end up in a singles bar on a friday night, and then go home and get eaten by my cats

good lord, I'd better change my attitude pretty damn quick then

yes, and I'd better rapidly lose all my personal and political issues with the objectification of women too

and just hang on a minute, I'll just go and tell my ds, that any teaching we have tried to instill in him, that people are not objects to be bought and sold was all uptight bullshit and it is perfecty ok were his teenage sister to pursue a career in this industry

in fact, I will start putting money away now, for his 16th birthday, because he deserves this experience, doesn't he ?

thanks all...I have certainly had a re-think this evening

That is the key, you can have incredibly high standards while still recognizing that humans are fallible.

I know plenty of women who made a blueprint for life and refuse to deviate, it hasn't ended happily. I also know about all the chaps who have been "barred" from attending certain establishments. Imvhe they still go......then lie about it afterwards.

I have also "ahem" visited myself and had a rollicking good night.

AF you are one end of the spectrum, it suits you and your dh, I'm middling to very liberal on this issue whilst being Queen Judgy of the judging people on other issues.

Some things are right some things are wrong but some things are very personal and subjective. Interestingly you, me and LeQ are all long term happily married.

Whatever floats your boat .........

once again on the soap box AF - I don't think there are people here advocating women should make themselves into a doormat, but different people have different tolerances of what is or isnt acceptable

lapdancing totally unacceptable to anyfucker - i think everyone on mn knows that

but not everyone shares that view, and it doesn't mean their views are wrong, just different, and it doesn't mean they are in what you would categorise as a 'i must not piss off my husband or he will leave me and i will be alone' club, just that they don't find it offensive

if the OP finds it as offensive as you clearly she will have to leave her OH, but she has not been as explicit about how strongly she feels about it

I think it is up to the OP to decide what issues she thinks matters and what issues she thinks do not matter.

I might forgive an affair, but I would certainly divorce over a lap dancing club. No doubt other people would make a different choice. But none of us have to live with the OP's husband - she does.

I find LeQueen's idea that you shouldn't divorce someone who has very different values to yourself simply because you might end up lonely at a singles night very depressing. It is far better to get out of a relationship that makes you unhappy (in the Op's case being hurt repeatedly, crying and not being able to trust her partner) and find contentment on your own or possibly meet someone who shares your ethical viewpoint and who you can build a life with.

I am just really scared I am going to get eaten by cats

I've been single for 10 years, better that than in a miserable relationship where there is no trust.

Oh and I have 4 cats and none of them have eaten me...yet

Well, I'm allergic to cats so I don't have to worry about that fate. But we do seem to have regressed to the 1950s where people seem to think that holding together a marriage with a philanderer is some kind of moral achievement.

Don't find lapdancing acceptable either bloody seedy actually

one end of a spectrum ?

nah

I mix with people with similar values to myself

people who think the sex industry is inherently exploitative of women

people who do not fool themselves that ldc's are "harmless" and "just a bit of fun"

people who think it is wrong to repeatedly do things that hurt your partner

people who don't try to insinuate that I am a fool for believing my DH does not visit said establishments behind my back

there is nothing "out there" about those kinds of values < shrugs >

I've never been to a soulless singles bar, link?

Who brought a soulless singles bar into the equation?

Ok have trawled through all the thread ( particulalry enjoyed the cock waving club segment ,you may see me on dragons den soon with that one ,dont think you have IP for that )
So your darling husband ,who is also a fabulous daddy has been to a ldc twice and on the second occasion paid for a personal dance ,as opposed to a private dance as you state it was in the main bar in full view of the public/his friends . He gave a work colleague a peck on the cheek goodnight after a drink ,then told you there appeared in his eyes the potential for it to go further . Out of curiosity what did the text say that caught him out ?
You dont trust him at all ? he basically seems to revert to an adolescent when under the influence of alcohol.
He says he is sorry and has booked in for counselling . You cannot tell anyone else including your own mother ,the worry would kill her ? did she not know about you going to relate before ? if either of your dcs are a girl ,would you not as their mother like to think they would talk to you if they were in this situation ? I think the shame your dh may feel if he knows your mother knows may be a good thing for him .
So to conclude how about asking him to move out for a week ,whilst you have time to have a proper think ,without him wailing in the background , during this time you need to work out if you believe you could ever trust him again .If you feel you could given time and a change in behaviour from him then i would give him six months to prove himself trustworthy initially and make it clear that to you ,a visit to a ldc is divorcable act .If you feel you can genuinely never trust him again then i think regardless of love you are probably better off talking to a solicitor .

Cannot actually believe that MillyR could get over an affair but not an ldc??

One is having sex and an emotional connection, the other is watching hotties get their tits out!

It is about the ethics, obviously, Alousieg. I believe lap dancing clubs exploit women. There is no point explaining why as others have already done so.

MY DH forming an emotional connection to another human being, that may not hurt anyone unless accidently discovered by me, is an understandable lapse. Participating in the exploitation of another human being is wrong and I would never enter into a relationship with anyone who did not share my left wing politics. I met DH partially through political activism - it would be bizarre if he suddenly turned into some totally different person.

I know many other people will disagree with me on lap dancing, but the lap dancing is really not the point - the point is what shared values the couple has. I am sure that there are people who don't really mind that their partner's don't like gay people and good luck to them, but I wouldn't put with such attitudes around my kids. Likewise I would not want anyone who watched pornography or otherwise participated in the sex industry around my kids and would not choose to have children with such a person.

That is part of forming a relationship and deciding who you have children with. You decide what matters to you, and for each person what matters will be different. I would not suggest the OP divorces her husband based on my worldview - she needs to decide what matters to her.

Aaah yes, the exploitation of women. I wondered when that would rear its head. So exploiting one specific for woman for sex and an emotional skulduggery is forgivable but watching some very well paid dancers is not?

The argument that a woman is exploited by an affair is dependent on the notion that women always want long term, meaningful relationships, which is not the case. I don't see the point in arguing about lap dancing, as you can read the arguments on numerous previous threads and it really is not the point of the OP's thread.

Not with DP, but with previous partners, I have been able to deal with acts of unfaithfulness, but I have split up with someone immediately for buying Loaded. It is just about an individual's personal convictions. Some people may only want to date Roman Catholics; I only get into long term relationships with feminists.

The problem with this thread is that people are trying to advise the OP that lap dancing clubs are perfectly acceptable and that she should go along with it, or that they are completely wrong and that she should not go along with it. It is up to her to decide her own values and what kind of man she wants to be with; it is not up to us to define what should be normal or acceptable to her.

"One is having sex and an emotional connection, the other is watching hotties get their tits out!"

Exactly.

One is forming a human connection with another person, which would make me jealous and extremely upset.

The other is treating another human being as an object to be bought and sold, which would disgust me.

I could (maybe) forgive the former. The latter is just not something I could live with.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, OP.

For me, it would be a dealbreaker, on several levels.

I have a huge problem with LDC and consider this both enormously disrespectful to you (that he went when he knew it was an issue for you, and paid for a dance, ugh) as well as the larger issue of objectification of the women. Those women being paid are all somebody's daughter, and for me I would be hugely bothered by DH thinking that was ok.

I also personally consider it infidelity as it IS sexual, imo.

Thing is, it's not one massive error in judgement that maybe you could work through. Coupled with the coworker drink/kiss, it's a huge erosion of trust - and a matter of whether or not you can/want to live with that.

I couldn't. In the end it boils down to respect, and I choose to demand a certain level for myself. I don't expect perfection in a marriage. I do expect fidelity, trust, and respect.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

You split with someone for reading "loaded"?

A human connection whilst already being in a human connection with someone else?

My ears are bleeding.

The lap dancing thing - I had the talk with my husband before we got married. In his industry it is VERY common and he has had to arrange girls for clients. I accept it as I also go to strip clubs with clients and have dances 'bought' for me by the client.

Kissing a collegue - I would give my DH hell for that and told my DH before we married that if he went near another woman that I would probably find it impossible to regain any trust.

As for stag and hen nights in foreign places. They don't happen. I control the finances and plead poverty (I make a larger mortgage payment that month to reduce the balance of the bank account).

I wouldn't ask your DH to move out but make him stay home and have to face you every night. Be the loving wife (without giving anything up) so he can see what he is missing out on. Kill him with kindness. Also, I would talk to him about what you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. Once he tells you then turn the tables and tell him that you would like him to cut down on his drinking and bar time as you worry about his health and would like to spend more time together as a family.

I would tell his parents and sister (if he has one). If the MIL sides with her son over this one then I would divorce the idiot for being a literal son of a bitch.