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Original poster

To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

432 replies

chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 10:47

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 15:26

mme very true. I have hated the grilling I need to give him anytime he goes anywhere. Trust is a given when any relationship blooms, what about when it is broken- is it possible to get it back. Has anyone managed to do this? Does anyone out there have experience of anything similar.

I appreciate everyones thoughts on what they would do but until you are here you don't know. It is not easy to walk away from a marriage. I am the loser whatever I decide.

He had the lapdance in the main bar in front of friends- no private room. Was so hurt about the drink with colleague as he didn't tell me about it. He also told me there was an atmosphere as if something could happen between them. I was raging he could put himself in these situations obviously like a schoolboy without thought or care for us.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 15:32

how did the OP's situation move on to "forbidding" spouses to do perfectly reasonable things ??

Op's DH hasn't done perfectly reasonable things...he has lied and deceived and done things he knows would hurt his wife

in my world, visiting a ldc is an awful thing...for political and social reasons, not because my DH might get a hard-on 'cos a 20yo rubs her tits in his face

using family money for a private dance ?...unforgiveable to me

am not sure what happened with this kiss with the colleague situ now though...OP, you have changed/fudged the story there, somewhat Hmm

however, if someone deliberately hurt me...why should the onus be on me to forgive and forget ie. shut the fuck up, for the sake of a harmonious relationship for the children ?

I think I married a man of principles...if I was mistaken, I would certainly like to find that out, so that I can then decide what I do about it

kickassangel · 09/08/2010 15:36

i think the real issue is that after drinking heavily, he seems to enter bachelor mode.

why does that happen?

is he just a bit immature, gets carried away & doesn't know how to stop himself?
or does it reflect an underlying uneasiness with marriage & parenthood?
whichever it is, why does he feel like that & can he get beyond it?

i think you need to go to counselling with him to discuss this.

i also think the whole thing of 'making him suffer' is a short-term way to make yourself feel better, but can ultimately lead to further problems & resentment. after all, who decides when he's paid enough penance?

i would be able to get beyond what he's done, but would need to know why - that would be the clincher for me. if dh is secretly wishing he were still single, i couldn't carry on living with him. if he's just an arse who can't control himself after drinking, then i'd want us to decide ways of resolving that.

frogetyfrog · 09/08/2010 15:37

Larry - you said it yourself - each couple will have their own lines in the sand. Reasonableness can only be determined by that couple involved - it doesnt matter if you think something is unreasonable as that is your opinion. It is their lines - so they decide the reasonableness of it.

larrygrylls · 09/08/2010 15:37

Anyf*cker,

He actually has not lied. He has, if anything overegged the pudding by discussing an "atmosphere" where "something might happen" when nothing actually did. I actually think that is cruel and is probably a quid pro quo for him being so under-the-thumb that he feels obliged to justify himself to the OP every time he goes out. The relationship has certainly become unhealthy, but not just in one direction.

We disagree about LDCs but that has been discussed ad infinitum. However, I can state, unequivocally, that for most men visiting them with friends, they are not a sexual experience.

Family money? So, do you never spend £20.00 on something exclusively for you? A haircut, a nice new top? Should you get your husbands permission for this?

As for your last paragraph, that is why you would never find out.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 15:38

"there was an atmosphere as if something could happen between them" ????

wtf is that supposed to mean ?

is he deliberatley winding you up ?

perhaps you should ask him if he wants out of your marriage...because he is certainly going the right fucking way about it...Hmm

larrygrylls · 09/08/2010 15:38

Frogety,

I guess you are literally right as long as the lines have been made clear pre marriage and have not been allowed to drift more and more over time.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/08/2010 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 15:44

larry...I agree actually on some of your points, as OP has posted further

this bloke is playing a game here

it ain't a pretty one Hmm

but no, I can categorically say that I have never spent family money on sexual favours

because that would make me a sad bastard

I don't think I would like to be married to a sad bastard, personally

frogetyfrog · 09/08/2010 15:44

Larry - in this case the op made it clear even if it was after marriage. She had already been upset after dh went to a ldc the first time, and when he went for a drink with a colleague. Rightly or wrongly he knows that she is sensitive to him being in those situations. He knew clearly she hated the idea of it and it would lead to upset.

If he didnt agree with her opinion, he should have made it clear the last time that he was occasionally going to continue to go to ldc as he felt it was ok to do so. According to op he has not made that clear and even now is saying he will stop and his behaviour is due to being led etc. He is not standing up and saying 'I believe this is ok and I will continue to do it'.

The lines were therefore drawn and he crosses them.

He either needs to be upfront and clear on what he considers acceptable, and stop allowing dw to believe it wont happen again. Or live within the lines that are being drawn.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 15:45

I would certainly like to know about it, if I was

Malificence · 09/08/2010 15:55

The only issue here is trust, a good, strong marriage has absolute trust and honesty at it's core - he has destroyed that trust.
It doesn't matter what any of us think about pathetic men visiting strip clubs, it only matters what chocolatte2 thinks.
Actually OP, your sentence " He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out", speaks volumes - that sounds like a man trying to hide something.
Healthy relationships foster enough trust to enable people to say that they find others attractive, and I say that as a rabid monogamist.

He's not a good husband or father if he has such little respect for you, I'm not surprised that the thought of him at a club when you had just given birth is sickening for you - his behaviour was sickening.
Only he can bring the trust back to your marriage, it's that old cliche that actions speak louder than words.

HerBeatitude · 09/08/2010 15:57

"I wouldn't wreck my childrens life because of a couple of lap dances and a drunken kiss."

You are presuming that all divorce wrecks children's lives. Some marriages wreck children's lives. Being taught that resentment and lack of trust are a normal part of a relationship, is not my idea of preparing them for adult relationships.

HerBeatitude · 09/08/2010 15:59

Totally agree with MAl, this is an issue of trust.

I used to think like you Larry, that I'd rather not know and it wouldn't do me any harm not to.

But when the other person is misbehaving, that lack of trust becomes corrosive. It gradually corrodes ever single shred of respect or affection you have for someone. Trust is absolutely essential and if you don't have it, you don't have much IMO.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:01

trust and self-respect

everything else (that is good in life) kinda follows on from that, doesn't it ?

Malificence · 09/08/2010 16:04

Larrygrylls
"As for your last paragraph, that is why you would never find out".

What a nasty little insinuation towards AF's statement - "I think I married a man of principles...if I was mistaken, I would certainly like to find that out, so that I can then decide what I do about it".

Cheap shot.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:09

very cheap, mal

that is why I ignored it Smile

Angelcat666 · 09/08/2010 16:11

"Each couple will have their own lines but I do think there has to be some reasonableness to them."

Yes, but it's up to each couple to decide what is reasonable.

If I was entering into a relationship then I would make it clear that I find LDCs unacceptable. It is then up to the man whether or not he enters the relationship or not (he has the right not to if he wants to visit a LDC) but if he does then he accepts that LDCs are off limits at least as long as he is in a relationship with me.

Have to go out again...dentist so if anyone addresses me directly (unlikely) I'm not ignoring you.

Malificence · 09/08/2010 16:12

I've had more than enough of this type of nasty little jibe levelled at me, unfortunately, I'm unable to ignore them.
I think it makes people feel superior. Hmm

ZZZenAgain · 09/08/2010 16:17

dunno

I could get past it if I put my mind to it but I would need to feel it was worth while.

Thing is for me if I knew my dh had paid to have a woman grind about on his lap, I would see him differently, i.e. I would consider him sleazy and that would change my feeling about him and our relatonship. Not sure I would want a relationshp with a man who I thought was sleazy

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:33

mal..it's the way that complete strangers think that I have idea what is going on in my own life

like I am deluding myself, or summat, and my husband is really Peter Fucking Stringfellow in disguise Grin

sorky · 09/08/2010 16:41

Some of us have respectful, fulfilling relationships where there is no desire to hurt the other person....freakish, I know, but we have them.

Some of us don't.

OT, but what was the name of that prick who said all of our husbands were seeing prostitutes, but we didn't know it? Hmm

Peter (someone or other).

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:41

have no idea

Morloth · 09/08/2010 17:03

ZZZenAgain "Thing is for me if I knew my dh had paid to have a woman grind about on his lap, I would see him differently..."

Agree, he wouldn't be the person I thought he was and married.

proudnsad · 09/08/2010 17:23

I think it's crazy this black and white and wholly unrealistic divide - either your dh is a disrespectful prick because he's visited a LD club and therefore cannot possibly be part of a 'respectful, fulfilling relationship'... or a saint.

And equally insane for people to say they don't know ANY men who would visit a LD club...how can you possibly say that? It's a lofty and surely groundless thing to say.

I'd be very upset if my dh had actually had a lap dance on the one occassion he went to one, which in my case he says he didn't and I believe him.

But I still wouldn't divorce him if he had!!! I love him, he's a fabulous but flawed human being, a good guy who was easily led one drunken night.

The difference is I guess, that I have never said to him I'd leave him if he ever set foot in a LD club or similar ie it wasn't an enormous betrayal/disrespect/deal breaking matter. Just disappointing and embarassing.

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