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Original poster

To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

432 replies

chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 10:47

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

OP posts:
LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:35

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Oblomov · 10/08/2010 09:40

I have yet to meet somone whose relationship post affair/indiscretion was what I, and I admit, only I consider to be ...... can't think of word, .....really good.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 09:42

No-one is asking you to hold to the same standards as them in their relationship LeQueen only expecting that the other person in that relationship has the same standards, why is that so incomprehensible?

In your previous post, I couldn't be married to someone who got so drunk he ended up in a lapdancing club and couldn't remember it. Some people don't mind drinking until they/their partner are totally rats arsed but we do. I drink more than DH but have never been fall down drunk because that isn't who I am.

smellybear · 10/08/2010 09:42

I think DH going to LDC is something everyone feels different about, depending on their relationship and how secure they feel within it. I've been to LDC with DH when we were younger, it was a bit of flirty fun for us both - but must stress the flirting was only with eachother!

On his stag do DH went to LDC (as I'm pretty sure all stags do realistically) had a dance and was open and frank about it. As much as it is a sexual thing I think a lot of men see it the same as us girls drooling over some gorgeous bloke in a film or on TV and nothing more.

However if my DH took a girl out on a date and kissed her I would be heartbroken, to me a kiss is far more intimate than loooking a girl wiggling her bits at him. The fact that your DH did just that doesn't look good to me. If it was the only thing that had happened maybe with time trust could be rebuilt but you said yourself there is no trust and this isn't the first instance.

Fact is eveyone has a different definition of cheating, how your feeling right now is an indication of yours. If it was nothing you would feel nothing. Talk some more, but don't ask him to apologise ask him why - keep asking him why until he finally gives you an answer TBH thats the only way to get past it, because then you'll know if he went to LDC to tag along with his mates or because he knows he's not allowed to cheat on you and thats as close as he can get.

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:44

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Oblomov · 10/08/2010 09:47

But LeQ, I see your point. was it worth divorcing. But what if they had stayed.
'Lack of trust' erodes. Its damage is long standing.
I assume, your confidence goes. You question things you never previously questioned. you are naturally more suspicious than you were before.
Now that is a shame, no ?
And that is in the back of your mind, no matter how loving they are on the surface, what a good provider/father/husnand they are.
That never totally goes away, does it ?

FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 09:48

Ithink that probably depends on the level of the indescretion Ob. For very minor thing where there has been no serial adultery, no full sex, or no emotional connection/relationship (as in the case with LeQueen's friend) it is possible to be happy again. Albeit forever a bit Hmm but that's no bad thing. 100% trust is for fools!
And it can be a sign of arrogance and slight contempt for your partner - why would anyone else want them? Trust me, there is always someone else who will. (with the possible exception the the man who picks his nose and eats it in front of his wife.Shock)

LeQ was that dinner party comment aimed at me? If, so make it sound more like a joke please! Grin

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:50

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Morloth · 10/08/2010 09:50

Maybe a better way for me to get across what I am saying would be to reverse it.

I you meet someone and know that they enjoy going to LDCs whatever and they tell you that they enjoy it and you enter into the relationship knowing that about them then it is completely unfair to do a bait and switch and expect them to change after you are married.

DH is a nerdy gamer, he has always enjoyed hours and hours of gaming/hanging out with other geeks talking incomprehensible rubbish. But I knew that about him so don't expect him to change regardless of how exasperating it can be. I expect him to temper the times he plays to fit in with the kids but I don't expect him to change who he is.

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:53

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FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 09:54

And I might leave DH if he started reading Loaded. Then again I'd leave him if he started reading the Sun.Nothing to do with the tits - I'd just be questioning his intellect and his taste.Wink

Oblomov · 10/08/2010 09:54

Mr Obs too spends loads of time at all sorts of functions. AnyFuker would die if I told her what dh did for a living.
Dh thinks its wrong to pay for sex. Never has. Refuses. But then thats becasue he has always had an abundance of it on offer. From very nice girls. tis a shock to me, considering he is no oil painting. Mind you neither of us is, so no problem there Grin
Its amazing that we have produced 2 children who don't look like shrek , really.

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:56

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FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 09:58

Oh I see LeQ. I thought you were referring to my husband-monopolising tendencies.Grin

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 09:58

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Morloth · 10/08/2010 09:59

I am sure DH could pull if he wanted, he is pretty good looking in an "average" sort of way (obviously I have love goggles usually. Wink). But he/we are quite wealthy which helps.

So knowing this the reason I feel comfortable with him going out and enjoying himself isn't the thought that he can't pull but the trust that he won't.

Absolutely he could let me down, as could I him, but we would do so with the knowledge that what we have would be over.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 10:01

DH's favourite shirt is known in this house as: "That horrible shirt your mother bought you".

Malificence · 10/08/2010 10:02

The only important point in this thread is whether the OP can trust her partner - at the moment she clearly cannot, only she can decide how many more chances he gets.

As an aside, is my DH the only man never to go on a stag night other than his own? ( I mean in the modern sense) His own consisted of a dank Naafi bar in Devon and him and his mates wearing the most hideous Hawaiian shirts they could find.
I've asked him if he's ever been invited to a LDC, he hasn't, and he's been to lots of leaving dos - I asked what he would do if he was invited, he'd say no thanks and come home, thinking the men who would go were more than a bit sad.

He would say that though, wouldn't he? Wink Hmm

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 10:02

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muriel76 · 10/08/2010 10:03

OP

I am so sorry reading your thread, you sound gutted.

I haven't had exact experience of what you have been through, but around 5 years ago my DH of 9 years and I went through a very bad patch.

It wasn't about infidelity and I won't go into the details but it did totally shatter my trust in him. He behaved appallingly and in the aftermath I realised I no longer trusted him - not to be kind, not to take care of me and our children, not to be reliable....I know that sounds like small fry but this is the man I had married for life and totally adored and trusted up to that point.

It felt horrible - I totally relate to your feelings at the moment, I was in a state of shock basically. But I stayed, and it is so much better now. I'm glad I stayed.

We have had to do a lot of hard work and redefine what is and isn't acceptable, and also fall back in love with each other a little bit but it has been worth it and our marriage is def better now than it was.

I used to think 'I can't manage without him' - now I think 'I can manage without him but I don't want to.'

Regarding trust, I took a long time to trust him again to basically behave well (!). The trust we have is based on the hard times we have been through and the overhaul of our marriage, he knows what I will and won't tolerate.

I know I might get abuse for saying this, but we are all human and all open to failure. Your DH sounds like a bit of an idiot/immature and possibly needs to address his drinking, but personally don't think either of those things are deal breakers at this stage.

I do think he needs to buck his ideas up (as my nan would say!) and recognise how much upset he has caused, but it sounds like he is starting to do that.

Only you can decide what to do, but I would agree with whoever it was that said you should talk to someone in real life who knows you both.

Best of luck.

LeQueen · 10/08/2010 10:04

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FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 10:09

I used to have a very good male friend at work who was married, and I was separated and awaiting a divorce. I met his wife on several occasions, socially. She was nice enough, but she was quite domineering and bossy, and seemed to treat him like a slightly dim but obedient puppy. She told me her DH was 'the perfect man.' I said I didn't think I ever love anyone enough to think they were 'perfect', and she said (rather patronisingly) that I wasn't to worry, and one day I would.Hmm

Fast forward about a year and I found my man. It was her 'perfect' DH. He left her and moved in with me after a very whirlwind affair, and we only had sex once! He's still under my feet 20 years later, and I love him. But she was wrong - he's not perfect. But 95% is enough for me.Wink

(no kids involved on either side so no flaming thank you!)

Morloth · 10/08/2010 10:11

Its his favourite though LeQueen, worse we also have "The horrible shirt your Grandma bought you" for DS, he loves his as well.

Sometimes he wears it in public it looks a bit like this, sob. When I am next accused of intolerably high standards of my DH on MN I will just point out I put up with this sort of thing...

FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 10:14

muriel that's an excellent post.Smile

sorry for hijacking slightly - this is serious, girls - back on task.Angry

FellatioNelson · 10/08/2010 10:16

And also, Muriel the feelings you have described is exactly how I felt (and still do, if I dwell on it too much) but you can get over it, if you really think the relationship still has legs. Just make sure it isn't you who is doing all the giving and the compromising.