To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Stag and hen nights don't happen?

If any man on here was as controlling as you Wantobesupermum, you would be labelled and boxed as a nasty controlling human being.

I suggest you grant your partner some autonomy before they take it with both hands.

Stag and hen night happen if they are 'domestic' (UK, Denmark and Eastern seaboard of the US - we have relocated a few times now). Stag and Hen nights in foreign places don't happen. For my DHs stag night the guys went to the Iron bound in Newark and had dinner and drinks at a Brazillian restaurant with dancers and then got a limo to Atlantic City. I don't know what happened but my DH came home at 8am and asked for a cuddle.

My husband has plenty of autonomy within our relationship! We often talk about what we can do to make ourselves more appealing to each other. Two of the things he has requested which I have done is lose weight and change career. I was working in the city and then on wall street and have spent the past year getting my CPA license while working full time for an accounting firm. I also wake up at 5am everyday and work out for two hours. He has made the commitment of us spending every weekend together (my DH is away 21/30 days a month).

If I didn't stand my ground I would feel like a doormat and our marriage would be over.

There seems to be an incredible amount of misandry on this thread, posing as justified outrage.

The amount of posts here where posters have told their partners they would cut their balls off and feed them to them if they ever so much as kissed another woman seems very high. Imagine reading about a Taliban threatening to cut off his wife's breasts and feeding them to her if she so much as kissed another man. It would have the feminists up in arms.

Fortunately, there seems to be some idea that "men" in general are weak flawed creatures but, somehow, the women make exception for their own partners who "would never do such a thing". It is the whore/madonna complex, only from a woman's perspecrive. It just does not statistically pan out. Some of your "saintly" partners are, quietly, going to LDCs and kissing colleagues. In the same way as some of you go to bars after work and get chatted up, and just occasionally, it leads to a guilty stolen kiss.

There is equally this pervasive idea that any lapse by a man is the thin end of the wedge and, as such, is just as bad as a full blown affair. On the other hand, women are perceived as having a tough time and prone to forgiveable lapses.

I do not know whether it is MN or women in general who have picked up this terrible misandry. I suspect it is a vocal minority of posters on MN. I would really despair were it not for the 20-30% of reasonable posters prepared to argue for a bit of forgiveness of human frailty. Some of you need to imagine how the feminist community would react to your posts were they written by a man about a woman.

Finally, there is still this incredible idea that the "sex industry" is a way of men wielding power over women. Wrong! It is anyone with money buying what has been for sale since time immemorial, sometimes in an exploitative manner, sometimes not (the £1,000/night call girl, for instance). As women's financial power has increased, they are increasingly also using it to buy "sex". Hence the rise of the chippendales and gigolos for busy working women who want commitmentless sex. People with money use it to buy what they want, regardless of their chromosomes. Unless you subscribe to full on communism, right or wrong, it has always and will always be that way.

Sorry - a bit late coming to this but I have to say I totally agree with LeQueen on this too. She talks complete sense. And Alouiseg too, though I'll admit I am revolted by LDC and can't shake the image of seediness, and DH knows if he ever goes to one he'd best brush up on a good lie unless he wants a miserable weekend! Expecting total perfection 100% of the time from a partner will end in tears, if you are expecting 50 good years out of them.

I had a couple of very similar (pretty minor but upsetting) situations to the OP when my kids were 3 and 5, and I felt absolutely sick to the pit of my stomach over them, and it definitely took a shook my faith in DH for a while.

If you are a SAHM and your DH works somewhere with opportunities for a vibrant social life attached, these little work snogs and indiscretions are often inevitable I'm afraid. But it doesn't mean they have to develop into full-blown affairs.

But having grown up in a single parent family from a young age, with a father who was far more intersted in his own sex life and social life than he was in his children, and having NO illusions about what it would be like as a divorcee with young kids, I weighed it all up, and knowing that my DH was fundamentally a very good and decent man who loved me, treated me well, gave me everything, and adored his DCs I was far too canny to throw it all away on a flounce over something fairly inconsequential. That was 12 years ago and I know I did the right thing.

I am by nature very cynical and suspicious. I have exceptionally high standards in a marriage, but I'm also a realist. DH knows very well what his boundaries are, and he doesn't push them lightly!

A much younger woman (who was a friend of a friend) flung herself at him in a bar a couple of weeks ago. Having chatted to him for the evening in a group she invited him back to hers for the night. Cheeky bitch. But he came straight home and told me about it. He's 49, and she was in her early 30's so he was flattered - but he's learnt the hard way - it's not worth the hassle! Besides, he's a rubbish liar and I am am ace detective.

These days he spends more time worrying about me having a mid-life crisis and a boredom fling. In fact I'm sure he thinks MN is an affair of sorts.

Why did your husband spend the entire night chatting and flirting with a woman?

No wonder she thought he might be up for a shag afterwards.

There's nothing inevitable about little snogs and indiscretions. They happen, and they can be forgiven. But they happen because people make bad, selfish choices, not because they have no choice.

I have not idea whether he was flirting or not. But he went out for a drink with a group of work friends (men and women) and this girl came along as one of the women was her friend. I'm afraid I don't see how being sociable and making small talk with someone as part of a group for the evening entitles them to expect you to shag them?

Do you do this to men who chat to you then?

He was taken to a ldc by his boss.
He was taken to a ldc by other blokes on a stag do.
Doesn't sound to me like it was something he really wanted to do. It would concern me if he was the one suggesting it, or if the dancers knew his name. If it was his main intention upon going out.
The kiss would really upset me as that was his choice and I'd want to know what he was unhappy with in the relationship to cross that boundary, but the ldc, no, unless it's a regular thing. Twice in 5 years isn't regular.
In perspective, I went out with friends recently and they wanted to go to a cruddy meat market nightclub. I didn't want to go, but was sharing a taxi with a friend who did and she insisted on paying for me so I went so as not to kick up a fuss. I would hate to think dh would split with me because I went there especially if he knew it wasn't my choice.

Agree with your last sentnece though. What I meant was, the situation and the temptation is often inevitable - not the deed.

Skiddodly,

There is NOTHING wrong with flirting with other people, in the old fashioned sense of the word (not the modern one where flirting equals foreplay).

It is fantastic to be made to feel desirable by someone other than one's long term partner. It is great for the ego and is certainly good for a healthy sex life with one's long term partner. I just don't see making a commitment to monogamy as being the same as saying that I will never chat to a member of the opposite sex again. Is that really how most people see things? The point is to keep flirting in its place and not let it lead further. There is nothing inevitable about it escalating. It is no different from browsing in an unaffordable jewellers. It does not inevitably lead to buying and then debt.

Agree larry. I can be a terrible flirt -in fact often I don't even realise I'm doing it - I think I'm just being friendly and charming and fun! It certainly is not done in a consciously sexual way. But then I BARELY leave the house without my DH anyway, so no danger there.

The problem for Op, is not the LDC as such. This has just opened up the wound. She said she had gone to counselling and the colleague kiss was dealt with. But clearly not, becasue she says that she could never forgive or forget. ITs clearly still very RAW.
LDC don't bother me as such. But the 3 things combined are cause for concern. But lack of trust would be a dealbreaker for me.
Some people manage to ocercome serious affairs.
I don't think I could. I think that when the trust goes, as lady Gaga and Beyonce say in their song, the crack is still there, even if you can't see it.

I think this would all make me very very very sad. But deep in my heart , it would probably be over. What has OP decided now ?
Forgiving can be hard. Forgetting even harder.

Nelson, Can you teach me to flirt ? I am incapable.

You've hit the nail on the head Ob. `Having experienced the minor indiscretion thing myself, at a time when I felt invisible and vulnerable with small DCs, I have developed a very heightened awareness to anything else, no matter how supposedly innocent, that may signal the start of trouble. And it had caused me to over-react about some harmless things and put DH through the ringer. But as far as I'm concerned - tough. He started it! He knows that and he suffers it. It's very hard to totally forgive and forget.

But there come a point where, however hard it is, you need to stop banging on about it and try to be the couple you were before that happened, otherwise he will feel pushed away (esp. sexually) and you will end up splitting anyway.

Oblomov...

I think Fellatio has! Be friendly, charming and fun.

Hello Chocolatte2,
I've been in a similar (ish) situation nearly 9 years ago. I caught my husband viewing porn on the internet when he should have been looking after our 3 month old son. I can hear the howls of 'this is no way the same' and on one hand I agree, but the similarity lies in how I, and perhaps you, feel betrayed.

I also struggled with the stay or go decision. After agonising I finally talked to a good friend, and she advised me to think very hard about it - was the 'crime' worth all the hartache for years to come? In the end I decided to remain with my husband. I haven't regretted that decision, but like you, I haven't forgiven him and havn't forgotten it.

You already know that you hold the answer to whether you should stay together. Please do give yourself time, and get support in making the decision from Relate if you can. The other thing I have done, is ensure I am financially independant from my husband. I have my own pension arrangements, own account, etc. I am predominantly a fulltime parent, and don't always earn my own money, but rationalise it that this is my 'pay' for the work I do for the family!

Best wishes

Ob unfortunately my 'flirting' really only extends to safe situations like dinner parties where DH is two seats away, so it's all quite harmless, and really I'm just trying to be sociable and relaxed - though I have been accused of monopolising someone's husband before (not to my face but it got back to me) but then she was just an uptight joyless bitch. And as I remember, he was the flirt - I was just being polite -I couldn't shake him off.

Put me in any situation where there is any danger of real flirting and I'm a useless article. I run for the hills. Partly lack of practice and partly fear of where it can lead.

LeQueen , maybe it is quite black and white. Maybe you fall into the camp that thinks infidelity/lack of trust is a dealbreaker. And that once trust is gone, its never the same.
Or you think that it is possible to get over.

123Jersey's synopsis of her realtionship, makes for very sad reading. I think I would rather be alone, than to only have that. It doesn't seem to have much 'substance'. I am afraid that is harsh to jersery, apologies.

You can't find yourself accidentally getting a lapdance.

DH is far from perfect (as am I) but there are things about him that make him him, if he did something so out of character then I would wonder if I had misread that character.

Neither of us is on a short leash we both have time out and about without the other, we both have friends of the opposite sex who we go drinking with etc. I don't expect him to tell me what he got up to because I trust him that it wasn't something that I deeply disagree with. I also don't expect/get the third degree for my outings because I haven't done anything I wouldn't want to tell him about if asked.

My Dad used to always say that a drunk man speaks a sober man's mind. He was right I think, the thoughts have to be there in order to be released by the booze.

As I said in my first post: If I Can't Trust Him, I Don't Want Him.

There's a big difference between flirting and kissing someone. The former does not have to lead to the latter. No, I would never sneak a 'guilty kiss'. I wouldn't want it to be done to me so I wouldn't do it. Nor is men going to LDCs inevitable and I don't see why some people can get their heads around that.

If I was in a relationship I wouldn't expect my partner to be perfect, I'm not. However, there are some things that could be forgiven and others that would not be. In my case infidelity (and I admit my personal definition is strict...similar to froggetyfrog's) is unforgiveable and a dealbreaker for a relationship/marriage.

In the ops case there seems to be a lack of trust and if she can't get that back I don't see how she can have a marriage.

Tahts' right Ob. It's not about what he did, (horses for courses) it's about whether or not is within your scope for forgiveness or whether it will forever destroy the relationship and make you both miserable - in which case, best end it. No-one can tell another person what their personal limits should be. but I do think I would always advise someone who still loves and likes their DH and who likes their life together and is frightened/saddened at the prospect of being without him, to think very carefully before making an irreversible decision.