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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this just might be the last straw

125 replies

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:25

dh took ds1 to a concert tonight. ds 1 is 11. he has come back completely drunk. hardly able to walk. ds says he got the wrong train so they had to get a cab from some wierd destination.

I am bloody furious.

HOW DARE he get so pissed when in charge of our son in London?

aibu?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:27

is he an alcoholic ?

that would be the only likely (but still not acceptable) scenario here...

I would be beyond furious, tbh

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:27

Definitely definitely NBU. Fuck me, I've read that four times now and it horrifies me more each time. What concert was it btw? Was your DH drunk through the whole thing? And how long was the journey home? Just trying to tell just how unreasonable your DH was.

gtamom · 09/08/2010 00:28

YA-Definitely-NBU.

BrightLightBrightLight · 09/08/2010 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paddingtonbear1 · 09/08/2010 00:29

YANBU. I take it from the title, he has done this sort of thing before?

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:29

is is an alcoholic. in denial. he is likely to be an alcoholic of no fixed abode tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 00:30

YADNBU - that is disgusting behaviour. Anything could have happened to either or both of them - the fact they've made it back in one piece is pretty amazing.

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 00:31

Sounds like a good plan, Nifty. Might shake him into realising his behaviour is unacceptable.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 00:32

Nifty - what's the backstory?

(If you don't want to say, don't of course!!)

YANBU to think this might be the final straw though.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:33

yes, nifty

throw him out

he may well have an addiction to alcohol (which he may no longer have any control over)...but I think he just hit that well-mentioned bottom of the barrel

nowhere to go from here but down into the sewer with him, unless you make a change

I am so sorry x

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 00:35

YANBU. I'd be absolutely fuming and that would be the last time he ever took my child anywhere further than the park or Sainsburys if I were you.

In fact, he'd be living somewhere else and only having supervised access, come to think of it.

This is not something which you should ignore imho.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:36

Dandy Warholes concert.

DS says he drank Beer and vodka. he is unconscious upstairs now. I am SO angry I have no hope of sleeping, but no point shouting at him when he is that drunk.

Back story is that he has substance problems. don't really need to say more than that. This is the first time he has been that pissed when in charge of the DC. ( that I know of)

and the last.

Trying to think where we could go tonight. so he wakes up alone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:36

no, stay where you are

have his bags packed for the morning

melpomene · 09/08/2010 00:37

Has he (or would he) tried the AA?

This behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:38

i cant make him go. but I can go. and then tell everyone what he has done, and shame him into leaving. cant think of where to go at half past midnight with the kids

OP posts:
Vallhala · 09/08/2010 00:40

Sod that, why on earth should YOU and your DC leave your home?

If anyone should leave, it should be your husband, not you. You and the children have done nothing to deserve having to find a new home/stay with other people and all the upset which inevitably goes with it.

Personally I'd wait til he goes out tomorrow and change the locks in his absence (and wouldn't give a stuff if it was not my place to if his name is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement).

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 00:42

Please - think of what you'd be doing to the children by either making them get up and leave home now or making them leave their home, and possibly friends/schools etc tomorrow.

HE should leave, as I said, change the locks if he won't go quietly.

You say you can't make him go - what would his response be? Just blunt refusal or worse?

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:42

So basically not a kids concert then? That's the reason I asked. Can't believe that, I'm so angry for you! What an asshole.

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:46

Should probably explain that more....it's worse that your DH is drunk at that particular kind of location, it would be less safe for your DS because it's more adult focused if that makes sense. He's bang out of order, on so many levels. Hope you can get some sleep tonight, you have some serious thinking to do in the morning.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:46

blunt refusal and possible aggression. don't think I can go tonight. he will not be fit for work tomorrow I don't suppose, so will not go out, cant avoid a horrendous confrontation tomorrow morning,

I am disgusted with him, and all my respect for him has gone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:47

don't change the locks

just calmly have a bag packed for him

tell him you are no longer prepared to collude with an alcoholic and you will be (if they don't already know) telling family/friends so you can get some much-needed support

if he kicks off...ring the police and have him removed

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 00:51

If you fear aggression, DON'T get into a confrontation about it, FGS. I KNOW you want to, need to even, I bloody well would too, but it isn't worth the risk of violence.

Bide your time. Collect all financial documents, get your hands on as much money as you can/need to and get some advice from Womens Aid. Make plans to get him out without causing suspicion.

Easy for me to say, but I have a rough idea of how you feel, having been through a violent marriage. I learned that it isn't worth taking chances and that planning ahead would have saved me a hell of a lot of distress.

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 00:53

AnyFucker and I would clearly do things differently and I'm not saying I'm right or trying to be bloody minded, sorry AF. Just going on what I would do but doubtless you have good reason for advising against it.

Twilightkez · 09/08/2010 00:54

Hope your ok. You have ever right to be upset.

If he won't leave, can you ask someone over, who can take him away ?

I think the best thing is to wait until morning, he will be drunk just now, it will make things worse and you shouldn't leave your home, it should be him as he has acted really awful.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 01:02

don't know who could take him away, his father is 80; his brother is not interested. My brother is in mexico on hols.

God Im angry

OP posts: