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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this just might be the last straw

125 replies

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:25

dh took ds1 to a concert tonight. ds 1 is 11. he has come back completely drunk. hardly able to walk. ds says he got the wrong train so they had to get a cab from some wierd destination.

I am bloody furious.

HOW DARE he get so pissed when in charge of our son in London?

aibu?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 08:35

Chandon - just report your posts to MNHQ - they will delete them for you. Click on "REport" on the RHS of the blue bar above your post. :)

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 09:24

my lovely CM has arrived, told her H has man flu (for now) she will take care of the kids.

I am the boss, so have to appear at work - but have only one thing I have to do today, so should manage to hide in my office and pretend to be working.

have a few things I need to cancel- hair appointment this evening etc.

we are supposed to be going on holiday next weekend

aaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 09:28

Nifty - are you OK? It's been an hour and a half since you posted, I hope he's gone, the CM is there and you are at work???

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 09:28

Go without him. No reason why the rest of you should miss out, is there?

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 09:35

he has not gone.

He is lying in bed ( I think - I am at work) feeling ill - that'll be alcohol poisioning - and asking me to 'think about it'

the suitcase with his clothes in it is half packed.

The CM has the kids and will take them out for the day - they will be fine for the moment.
I have come to work and left him to stew, Cannot concentrate at all, but that should be ok for today

he was not aggressive at all, not verbally even. just rather shocked and apologetic. and full of 'I hate myself" Trouble is, Ive heard it all before,

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 09:35

morning, nifty

he is asad, sorry case isn't he ?

he says sorry now...but obviously last night he showed you by his actions exactly where his priotity lies

he has to leave...if only for a while and not come back until he has proved by his actions that he has a problem and is taking positive steps to get help

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 09:45

Nifty - x-posted before.

Does he often get drunk?

What do you want to do about it?

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 09:59

he has an abnormal relationship with alcohol. Yes he does get drunk pretty often now. But it doesn't take as much as it does for some other people. when I met him he was teetotal and only went back to alcohol after he had to stop smoking weed.
He is always trying to get other people to drink, constantly refilling glasses, offering people alcohol even if they don't want it....

and once he starts drinking he cant stop.

even when he is at a gig with our son in North London. He was so drunk he fell down the stairs ffs.

I want him to go. I want him to address these things himself, for himself, by himself. and show by ACTIONS that he himself has done this. I'm out of sympathy, I'm not helping him any more, Ive discussed this with him SO often wand told him where it would end. FFS anything could have happened to him (and more importantly ds) in that state.

he has nowhere to go. but i just want him out

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 10:04

nifty...the way you feel is perfectly justifiable

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 10:05

Then if I were you I'd phone him shortly and tell him that he is not to be there when you get home. Any 'I don't have anywhere to go's' tell him that he should have thought about that before getting drunk yesterday, tell him you do not care where he goes, he just needs to be gone by the time you get home. Do not engage in a discussion about where he should go.

Tell him that you and your DC(s) are going on the holiday without him and that you do not wish to speak to him until after then, not about anything.

Tell him that after your holiday you will consider the long term implications for your relationship.

See what he does while you are away and take it from there.

I know it's not easy, but you have to do something, you can't let his behaviour keep impacting on you and the DC(s).

x

Altinkum · 09/08/2010 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/08/2010 10:23

Just my two pennies worth, but I would make sure I had protected myself financially before making him leave. You don't want him to spend lots of money on joint credit cards/spend all your savings/run up overdrafts in your absence. Get your name removed from anything you are jointly responsible for (with exception of the house) and maybe start a legal separation process so that he is treated independently to you in a financial sense. He may become volatile when removed from the security of the family so you need to insulate your DC from the possible consequences.
I do agree that he needs to sort this by himself. You've done all you can and by letting him stay, you would be giving him the message that what he has done isn't all that bad.
He is ill and if he manages to control his alcoholism, them hopefully you will be able to be together in the future (if he is a good person and if it is what you want), but I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him completely, so best if you keep permanent control as much as possible

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 10:29

Altinkum - until her DH sees it as an alcohol problem and not a 'oh I fucked up and I'm in trouble' problem she can't help him. She has already helped him through drug abuse etc - there comes a point where she has to look after herself and the children. I think she might be at that point. I'm not saying that leaving him has to be forever, but he needs to get help for himself and she needs him to get help for himself...

Agree with everything karmabeliever says too.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 10:30

I KNOW alcoholism/addiction is an illness. I know this. I have been saying this to him for the last 3 years ( since he started drinking again after having to give up weed because he got into trouble wit cannabis addiction) he would not listen. Clearly he has swopped one addiction for another and clearly he cant control himself. This has been an acident waiting to happen for months now.

But other people do, other people recognise they have a problem, can see potential consequences and DO SOMETHING before it gets to this state

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 09/08/2010 10:33

As the daughter of an alcoholic I think you are doing the right thing.

Alcoholism and childrens welfare don't mix well imo.

Altinkum · 09/08/2010 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 09/08/2010 10:40

this does not sound like the type of man who is going to stick with any help AA might give him! its not just a quick course and thenn he's cured.....

if he gave up the alcohol,he's likely to use his addiction in a different area....its him isnt it?

you cant change someone who doesnt want to change

and for what its worth,you've stuck with this for a long time....i'd actually USE my anger here to spur me on to get rid of him for good....anger isn't always a bad emotion to feel....i'd use it this time!

GrownupsLikeQuiet · 09/08/2010 10:44

Nifty I think you hit the nail on the head when you said Other people recognise they have a problem. Until HE recognises he has a problem, there is nothing you can do about it. He has to recognise, and want to change HIMSELF before anything will change.

He is not your responsibility, and it sounds like you have enough on your plate looking after yourself and the DCs. If he is serious about wanting to change that is another thing - and actions speak louder than words.

My ExH was alcoholic but wouldn't recognise it. Eventually he chose the local pub over our marriage in my final ultimatum Sad and Blush. I left that night and divorced him.

Good luck

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 11:22

Grownups - no need to be Blush about it - it's the nature of the beast that nothing can be more important than alcohol (or whatever the addiction is) until the addicted person is ready to try to sort it out.

I agree with IloveTiffany - I think even if he beat the alcohol he might end up going on or back to some other kind of addiction, for whatever reason.

Make him leave until he addresses the problem properly - but he isn't going to manage it quickly, even if he starts immediately. You should look at a minimum of 6m, if not longer, before you even start to think about taking him back, should you eventually consider that might be a possibility.

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 11:29

I'm still dealing with the fallout of having an alcoholic father. I have a great stepfather who has been a tonic (though only entered my life in adulthood) but I've never got over having the fear an uncertainty in the house over my father's unpredictable behaviour. Nifty, I don't want to pile on the pressure, I'm hoping what I'm saying is going to help you from your DSs perspective. My mum didn't see how us kids were coping (or as more often was the case, not coping) with the shit going on in my house, and by the time she did clue in, we were all in need of counselling. She wasn't at all malicious, she was just misguided and thought she could help and support someone who wasn't ready to help and support themselves. That's the line for me, the intent from your H. Either way, he clearly does need to leave, you need headspace and your DS needs to see that last night is not acceptable.

Best of luck, please keep posting.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 11:41

Thank you LucyLouLou. I would have been unimpressed if he had come back in that state from a night out with mates, but I wouldn't leave him over it. Its the fact that he was responsible for our 11 year old son, and what must that have been like for ds1 - having to try and get hos Dad home ?

FFS makes me angrier everytime I think about it

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 11:41

what a great post, LLL

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 14:19

Thanks guys, I'm glad I was able to post something that helps. :)

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 15:55

ally I told him that his staying was not respecting my wishes and that I needed him to get out of bed and go.

hes gone

OP posts:
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