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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this just might be the last straw

125 replies

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:25

dh took ds1 to a concert tonight. ds 1 is 11. he has come back completely drunk. hardly able to walk. ds says he got the wrong train so they had to get a cab from some wierd destination.

I am bloody furious.

HOW DARE he get so pissed when in charge of our son in London?

aibu?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:04

val...with respect, I think that changing the locks is an aggressive act in itself, and likely (in some situations) to only escalate any potential violence

like you say though, every situation is different

Op knows best how her husband is likely to react

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 01:08

Very fair point AF. I'm reacting too much in anger at what Nifty's H has done and perhaps relating to my own experience too, whereby packing my ex's bags and telling him to go would have caused a very nasty situation.

I stand corrected. :)

malovitt · 09/08/2010 01:08

I'm wondering how your son got in.

That gig was for over 14's only & the door people at KoKo are really strict.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 01:10

my son is 5'5" and his voice has broken. he easily looks 14. I did not know till today it was for 14 + only ( previously they have been to MUSE)

now calming down abit, would you end your 12 year marriage?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:14

nah, not corrected, val

different viewpoints for the OP, that is all

would your DH have seen a door-lock change like a red rag to a bull, or not

I have visions of an aggressive man smashing up a joint, when he finds his key won't work Shock

Vallhala · 09/08/2010 01:14

Over that, quite possibly, unless the circumstances were exceptional and I knew for sure that he would never put my children at risk or set such an example again. Over the fact that my husband has substance and alcohol abuse problems, definitely. If I feared aggression as a result, like a shot.

But it isn't me, nor is it my marriage. Only you can decide what you and your children can live with and how safe you are.

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 01:14

Yes. He has broken trust in an unacceptable way and put your son in danger. That's a good enough reason without all the rest.

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 01:14

I would be asking him to get help Nifty. And then if he refuses, that's when you think about the big D word IMO.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:17

sorry for slight hijack, OP x

malovitt · 09/08/2010 01:18

It depends on what else he has done in the past.
It's not like he was in charge of a toddler and I think London is really quite safe; I live there and am never nervous about travelling around at night there when I've had a few.
So, did he just get on the wrong tube?

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 01:19

i feel like throwing him out. we have been here once before with drug problems. I did throw him out, he did get help and I had him back. now its alcohol. Ive had enough

OP posts:
Vallhala · 09/08/2010 01:19

My DH would have seen the locked door as a red rag, AF, but at least he'd have been on the other side of it. Confrontation, in my case, would have been worse.

Christ I wish I'd had MN to rely on for support during those awful days.

Nifty, all I can say is that you're not alone and if you do decide that this is the last straw, there are plenty of us who are living proof that you can go it alone and be safer and happier for it.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 01:21

amen, val x

knickers0nmyhead · 09/08/2010 01:24

How fucking irresponsible of him!!!!

YADNBU!!!!!

3Trees · 09/08/2010 07:38

Hope you are OK, too.

That is appalling behaviour, and the only GENEROUS pov is that it is down to out of control addiction, (why else would anyone be that drunk with their fairly young child, at the kind of place where children need CLOSE supervision) which means he needs help.

NOT symapthy (he endangered your son, he was, if he couldn't even navigate home, dangerously unable to care for him at that point) and I would definitely be encouraging him to leave if, as you say, it is the last straw.

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 07:39

i have woken him up. told him he has to leave that I can never trust him again. I have given him a suitcase and told him to pack it.

he has gone form 'its not that bad' 'we got home didnt we' etc etc to sorry, etc etc and now he says he will go.

have not slept. Feel exhausted

OP posts:
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 07:43

How awful, Nifty. He's lucky he didn't get picked up by the police, being drunk in charge of a child is an offence and one the courts take very seriously

I think you are definitely making the right decision if he has so little concern for his son's safety that he gets so drunk he can hardly walk

MaudofallHopefulness · 09/08/2010 07:46

Well done Nifty. I hope it is the kick he needs to get help. You are doing the right thing in standing firm to get your point across. Good luck with it all. x

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 07:55

Well done Nifty - glad he has started to see the seriousness of the problem. It's all very well saying "we got home, didn't we" - but they might not have. It was pure luck that they didn't come to any harm.

MathsMadMummy · 09/08/2010 07:56

wow nifty well done for telling him. hope you can get some sleep today x

Original poster
NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 08:01

he says he will go. But is lying in the foetal position in bed saying how sory he is. I ma so angry I just want him OUT.

I am supposed to be at work today, and we have a childminder coming in 10 mins, Its all such a bloody mess

stupid, irresposnsible twat

OP posts:
Chandon · 09/08/2010 08:09

O.k.

You need a plan.

Call your GP, asking him what you can do to help your hungover son of 11, ask if there are any side effects for children, whatever. Not because you really need to know, but your GP will then have it on record, it may go to SS (as it should( on record there too. And then if you ever decide to actually leave him (IMHO this is child abuse(, then you have a documented ground.

if you cover up for your DH, you are his accomplice.

Chandon · 09/08/2010 08:11

sorry, blush, I thought he gor your SON drunk !!!!

sorry, don`t know how to delete previous message.

better go and wake up properly....oooooops

ballstoit · 09/08/2010 08:14

What a mess Nifty x

Is childminder picking DC up or having them at yours? How sympathetic are work? Do you have friends who would come and help you? Or are you happy to leave him in bed til you get home?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/08/2010 08:14

I don't think the son was drunk, Chandon, but the husband was drunk while in charge of the son.

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