to think this just might be the last straw

[NiftyGeranium]

dh took ds1 to a concert tonight. ds 1 is 11. he has come back completely drunk. hardly able to walk. ds says he got the wrong train so they had to get a cab from some wierd destination.

I am bloody furious.

HOW DARE he get so pissed when in charge of our son in London?

aibu?

You mentioned earlier how good your cm is so at least that will be a good source of support and continuity for you and the dc. Hope you get some sleep tonight and feel stronger tommorrow.

Thank you all so much. I have had my SIL (my husbands brothers wife) and a dear friend here tonight.

Its ok, I think I am done. Is it wrong not to want to speak to H or deal with him ? Can we deal with child contact through a third party?

I know if I see him he will wear me down. And I am done.

and venusandmars

thank you so, so much for posting. you make me believe this is not my fault

Nifty - at this stage, your wishes are more important than your H. You need to sort things out in clear space, without him muddying the waters for you. If you don't feel that you can speak to him at the moment, then don't.

If you can manage the holiday on your own with the DC, I would say do it - because it will give you some time when your H can't come round badgering you.

Agree with the others about securing money asap - he probably isn't going to vindictively spend it all immediately but he will probably go on a bender - best not to lose more money if you can avoid it.

At the moment you will still be in a bit of shock that things have happened so fast; when it wears off, your feelings might get to you a bit more.

Remember though - NONE of this is your fault - it is HIS. Disease or no, he still has chosen to continue with his addictive behaviour rather than seek help for it - so it is now down to him. Go to AlAnon (For the families of alcoholics) if you need to hear from others in similar situations - they will also reinforce the message that there is realistically nothing you can do to help him now - it all has to come from him. You can be sympathetic to his plight but don't sympathise with him - you can care about him from a distance but don't get too close. Any sign of repentance on your part might be seen by him as a sign that it's going to be all right even if he doesn't change. A sign you don't want to be giving him.

If you go to CAB, discuss legal separations and child contact visits under supervision. They will help you with the details if you don't get the info you need on here - it can all be done through a 3rd party but I'm not sure if it needs to be a solicitor or not, and how much that would cost. If your SIL could bear to be a mediator, that might help - she could have the DC and your H visit them there instead of at your house.

Stay strong - you're doing the right thing. UnMNly (((hugs))) for you and your DC.

anyone got any idea how you explain addiction to the younger kids, 8 & 5 ?

FFS they are sad, and gutted that daddy is not coming on holiday with us - and I cant find the word to explain

Could you get in touch with al-anon - I am sure they have literature to help explain things to the kids.

Am glad your family is supportive.

Gather support from any source you can, relate do family therapy and some organisations have phonelines for children to call. Perhaps they could write to Daddy?

And Good Morning.

Can I just say how genuinely moving it is to read some of the posts on here - such an incredible level of honesty about a personal and difficult subject.

OP you are awesome. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now but you are protecting your DCs and yourself - well done you.

Thank you. I don't feel awesome. I feel scared, alone and frightened of the future. Im afraid for him, afraid for my dc and afraid for me.

I'm afraid for his elderly parents. afraid that he will lose his job. afraid afraid afraid.

Nifty, I have been in your position. You have definitely done the Right Thing. As others have said, you have not deprived your children of their father. His choice to continue with his addictive and dangerous behaviours has deprived your children of their father and there is nothing that you can do about that.

Fear is a common reaction when you reach the position you are in. It's that fear that has kept you in a relationship with an addict for so long. Try not to project so much about what might happen in the future. Just think about what you need to do today. Try to let go of worrying about him - he's a grown-up, the only person who's responsible for him is himself.

As for explaining it to your children, I think the best tack is along the lines of "Your father has a problem with alcohol. When he starts drinking he can't stop, and when he drinks too much he can't control himself and bad things happen." It is, though, very important that you reassure your son that he did the right thing in telling you. It's very common for children to blame themselves in such situations so it's vital that your son knows that it was his father's choices here that were unacceptable and that your son was being very responsible in letting you know.

I'd second the recommendations for Al-Anon. If nothing else, I found it very helpful to learn that there were a lot of people in the same position and they had much the same fears and experiences that I did. I also found one on one counselling organised via my GP also very, very helpful.

Nifty,

My DB was an alcoholic - and had some substance abuse problems. My DNeice had to put up with seeing her father drunk, passed out and at times naked both at home and in the street.

She was mercilessly bullied at school because of the state of her father and despite being above average intelligence when she was younger, pretty much gave up and didnt go back after 14. It has coloured her whole life. She is very insular, has no confidence and not many friends. She doesnt work and is riddled with minor health problems that I am convinced are a result of stress/anxiety.

DNephew was born when DNeice was 14. He was put in danger time and time again by my DB being drunk - he fell down the stairs once and got hold of, and took, DB's Anti-D's once.

DB died when DNeice was 16 and DNephew 2. Alcohol related death that tore apart the whole family - lines were drawn between those who were on DB's "side" (DSil shouldn't have thrown him out) and DSil's "side" (DB shouldnt have put the kids in danger). 13 years on we still suffer the fallout and I remain the only one of my HUGE family that DSil and DNeice can talk to about DB.

The only person in this whole sorry saga that seems unaffected is DNephew - probably because losing a father so young has had far less effect on him that living with an alcohic would have

I could say more, a lot more, but I'd be here for hours. What I am trying to say is that I truly believe you have done the right thing. Alcoholism affects more than just the 'sufferer' and you are right to put your child first in all this.

Sorry, I meant to add - you will feel better soon. Once you start to notice the peace and calm in your house, once you stop feeling responsible for his choices, once you get the drama and chaos of active addiction out of your life... Then you will feel better and will know you did the right thing.

You said earlier that you have had enough of his words and now need to see some action. That is very perceptive of you and is exactly right. Addicts are fantastic at words and promises but bloody hopeless at keeping to them. The only subjects you have to discuss with him now are child contact and finances, and you can do that via email/letter if necessary. I found that emails and texts worked better for me as phone calls or face-to-face discussions always ended up in arguments. Keep communications brief and business-like.

LtEveDallas - that's so sad about your brother and his family. I am glad that your niece and SIL have you to talk to.

Nifty I too am the daughter of an alcoholic father.

I spent too long having to lie to my mother about where we had been to cover up for his drinking. It totally messed me up and my mother did and still does facilitate his drinking. She once accused my sister and I of the empty vodka bottles she found hidden in the loft - talk about closing ones eyes to the situation.

You are protecting your children and talking to them about what has gone on which can only help them. 15 years of counselling and I have finally sorted out my feelings towards my parents and do not let them affect me but it has messed me up big time.

Stay strong and I am full of admiration for you x

Nifty, My dd,s ex is an alcoholic.They have two beautiful tenage daughters.Two years ago his vast amount of drinking finally led to him attacking my dd physically.The police were involved,but no charges were pressed by my dd.A few monthslater he did it again and this time he was arrested and charged.he moved out and was offered rehab which he did then went straight back to drink.He had never in 16yrs hurt my dd before.In the couple of years leading up to this his drinking got steadily worse.They are friendly now and he still manages to work but he is still drinking,he does not want to give it up and he now suffers,fits ,cirrosis and various other things .The bottle rules his life ,and even though he still loves my dd,its not enough for him to want to stop.But the difference in him not living in the house for my dd,s and grandaughters sake is immense,no more walking on egg shells in case he gets in a bad mood,no more of them being afraid to ask their friends home in case dad is drunk and various other things .It is likely we have been told that in the next year he will probably lose his life,he cries often about it ,but still wont / cant stop.His poor mum has already lost one son to the same thing.You have done the right thing for your sons sake.If nothing changes, things would only get worse.I would just like to say that my dd,s ex is not a horrible person at all,i know it dosent sound too good,Its the demon drink,and i dont hate him even after what he has done.I hate what he did ,i hate what he has become,but the man underneath was a good ,hard working person whose addiction is so strong its out of control

There is so much valuable and excellent advice on this thread Nifty that I can add nothing.

But huge, huge sympathies, you must feel like yopu have been hit by a train. It must be so hard for you, and so confusing. But bloody hell you have done the right thing for you and you 3 kids. Maybe this will be the catalyst he needs to sort his addicitons out. But, no matter. Your priority at the mo is you and your children. Well done for being so strong and brave.

Nifty, I had a 2 year relationship with someone who was an alcoholic. He used to drive DS to school still drunk. I didn't know at the time, DS told me about this and when I did find out, I changed my working hours and did it myself.

My ex used to pick his own daughter up from school while he was drunk, driving her to my place round the M25 during the rush hour.

I've had red wine vomit all over the kitchen. I've had the bathroom in a total mess. I've had drink stolen and the dirty glass put back in the cabinet (after drinking during the night). I've had money and possessions stolen. I've had the disappearances, the phone not being answered, or turned off.

I've had to witness the aggression - and so did my son.

I reached the end of the road after the continual lies upon lies upon lies. When he was off on his Xmas party abroad, I phoned the locksmith (my house) and got the locks changed, packed his things into black plastic sacks, took them to his Dad's place and left a text message on the ex's phone telling him not to come back.

That was 6 years ago. The sense of freedom, the peace, the calmness was amazing. DS and I didn't have the chaos anymore. We had peace of mind.

To this day, I know that my ex hasn't got help - he was very good at paying lip service, but didn't do anything to help himself.

My overwhelming thought at that time, was to protect my DS. I COULD NOT have him growing up in such a situation.

Hope that you're starting to feel a bit better. It's the fear of the unknown which is almost paralysing. But as others have said, just deal with one day at a time. Just look at one day at a time and get through that. When you get yourself into a bit of a routine, then you can start to think ahead a little. The holiday sounds like a good time for you and your DCs to settle down a bit and find yourselves.....

for me the worst thing was the utter rejection I felt when my exH chose his beer over our marriage. His friends always used to joke that I was the other woman to Stella Artoire and it turned out to be true. The hurt I felt as an adult understanding that it was an addiction was immense and I cannot imagine how that would feel if it was my dad who rejected me for the bottle.

What I'm trying to say is, you are protecting your children from that as best you can. I have nothing but admiration for you.

You can do it and you will do it.

I also really hope this is the catalyst he needs to get help, but as I said before only he can decide that.

Nifty -
You have me in tears with your strength and resolve to do the right thing for you and your children. I can hope that others will see it CAN be done.

I too lived with an alcoholic, and can only thank god we never had kids and I could walk away, poorer but wiser. That was 2 years wasted, of lies, 2 day dissapearances on benders, thousands probably wasted on booze, drinking at the train station with the tramps (!), all this from a charming, cultured ex-army man. We were living overseas and I thought I had no option, and had to "tough it out".

We are pulling for you!!

I am so fucking angry with him. He's wrecked everything. We are all fucking suffering, me,the kids, his parents and all for fucking alcohol. He has agreed that I will be going on holiday with the kids without him, even that makes me fucking angry, gorgeous though they are there will be no spa trip for me, or couple of hours reading a book because arsehole has left me with sole care of three children.

Nifty - that is only to be expected. Have you discovered your local AlAnon yet? Please do find it - I am sure it will help you, if only to have a RL place to rant about how angry you are with him! Ranting here is beneficial of course - but sometimes it's good to rant in front of real people and hear the murmurs of agreement, see the heads nodding along.

I don't suppose there is anyone who could come on holidays with you in his place?

Nifty

It's awful, the realisation that he has fucked everything up for alcohol, chosen that over you and the kids - have you told him how angry you are? Not that it will change anything, but he deserves to know what he is putting you & the kids through :(

Do you have a friend/sister/sister in law, anyone, who could go with you? Even a babysitter - free holiday in exchange for some childminding?

You haven't 'deprived them of a father'. A father is one who cares for his children, and gives them love and support. He doesn't do that. Not enough. They have a mother, who is obviously KICK-ASS, and that is plenty.

You also haven't lost a husband - a husband is a partner, and an equal, and a support to his wife. He was none of these things to you. You have shed a dependent and actually, you have helped an addict. I hope he comes back a husband, after getting help, but if not, I hope you find happiness elsewhere.

GOOD LUCK.

How awful for you.

Not sure I can add to what everyone else has already said, but sending lots of hugs anyway x x x

NIfty - I hope things are settling down and you are all right :)