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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this just might be the last straw

125 replies

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 00:25

dh took ds1 to a concert tonight. ds 1 is 11. he has come back completely drunk. hardly able to walk. ds says he got the wrong train so they had to get a cab from some wierd destination.

I am bloody furious.

HOW DARE he get so pissed when in charge of our son in London?

aibu?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 16:00

HOw do you feel, Nifty? Relieved? Sad? Both?

Do you know where he has gone or do you not much care at the moment?

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:02

are you ok, nifty ?

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 16:03

i feel completely shocked. I have no idea if this is forever or just for a few days. I need some breathing space. And Im sick of his words. sorry sorry. Its all completely meaningless.

I need to see some action

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 16:06

stay strong, love

enough of words, now

Jux · 09/08/2010 16:43

You did the right thing under the circumstances. Don't let yourself ever let go of that, no matter what happens in the future.

My dd will be 11 in less than a week. There is no way in the world in which it is OK for the adult in charge to get paralytic, no matter how sensible, together, well balanced etc the child is.

You are so right that your dh needs serious consequences to his actions, and that your son sees that the behaviour is not OK. Make sure he knows that it's not his fault in any way, though.

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 17:39

I have talked this through with ds1. More and more horrifying stuff comes out - like H got money from the cashpoint and gave to to ds to hold - and a bloke came up and said, "put your money away or I'll mug you" To my 11 year old son while his fucking father was passed out on the floor.

Cross doesn't come onto it.

Don't know what to do next tho'

Don't know whether to take the kids on holiday on my own? Don't know what to wrt finances, don't know about so much

OP posts:
PosieParker · 09/08/2010 17:42

I am in complete admiration.....my DH has urinated in our dcs bedrooms when pissed amongst other things....

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 18:03

Posie. It is, as I have just said, The last straw. Not that brave, and not really that admirable. I have just had enough.

enough.

he will not change. and I , and especially the dc are worth more than this shit.

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 18:15

I wish my mum had thought like you Nifty. Your DCs will thank you for this in the long term, you're doing the right thing.

Stay strong. If you wobble, contact me and I'll trot out a million stories about what it was like to live with an alcoholic parent. I'll keep you straight lol.

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 18:25

there is also the fact that his behaviour threatened the safety of MY child...I can suck up a lot of not-great behaviour to me. But he risked MY SON because he could not stay away from the vodka. He wasn't a bit tipsy, he was completely bloody legless.

and I do not think I can ever forgive that. I am amazingly calm considering what has happened in the last 24 hours.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/08/2010 18:29

Sad Oh love.

There's so much support on here, you've done the best thing. It might not seem it at times but you have the strength to overcome all of this. I hope your son's OK.

PosieParker · 09/08/2010 18:43

Nifty, you do deserve admiration, lots of people would get angry for a few days and forget about it, you have chosen to act. Not only proving to yourself that you are worth it but maybe directly saving your dcs from the same fate.

blackberryway · 09/08/2010 19:06

Really admire your strength of resolve OP. Now you've made the huge decision to make him leave I think you should go easy on yourself about any other decisions - the holiday, sorting out finances - until you can steady yourself and clear your head a bit. The dc might be disappointed about the holiday if you decide not to go but you have already done the best thing by them in telling their father to sort himself out. I'm sure they wouldn't want to go if you have to put on a 'brave face' all the time.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 19:11

Nifty, I don't know your DH (obviously!!) but I think you would be wise to get all your joint money moved to an account where he can't get to it and piss it all up the wall.

I'd go on holiday without him - take some time out.

You don't have to make any long term decisions yet.

You have been strong & brave today!

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 19:33

I too am full of admiration for your clear thinking, and refusal to take any responsibility for this

I can totally see you are at the end of a rather long road here Sad

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 19:40

I feel quite mean actually. as though if i really loved him I would forgive him. as though I'm punishing him for a little slip. But this IS the end of a long long road. And its not my fault he would not take responsibility for his addictions. It is NOT.

but now I am a FT working parent of 3 dc, with no idea how I will manage practically, financially or emotionally.

I have deprived my children of their father in their lives on a daily basis, and my husband of living in his home with his children,

feel yuk. drained & exhausted. Hardly slept last night.

OP posts:
Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 20:12

he has done it himself, nifty

by eroding your sympathy and eroding your energy

I wish MIFLAW would come on this thread

he has experience of this and totally uncompromising in saying that addicts really do have to reach rock bottom before they can start to recover

to collude and protect him from the consequences of his actions would be completely the wrong thing to do

macdoodle · 09/08/2010 20:32

Hi hon
You so know YANBU!! You know it, keep strong, you can do this !

NiftyGeranium · 09/08/2010 20:38

Hi Mac x thanks hon :-)

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 20:41

It's no wonder you feel crap & enhausted.

Please don't think of it as depriving your kids of their Dad on a daily basis, think of it as sparing them growing up with an alcoholic parent who was doing more harm than good. When you feel up to it, go back through the thread and read the posts from people who went through this as children, wishing the other parent would take them away from it.

Stay strong x

venusandmars · 09/08/2010 20:44

Hi, I am not MIFLAW and have nothing like his wisdom or his years of experience.

I am however an alcoholic.

Nifty, you have done absoloutley the right thing for you, and for your dc. Being an alcoholic makes me totally selfish and gripped by the need to have a drink, and when I have one, the inability to stop myself. It renders me not-responsable for myself, let alone any other person.

I am not drinking now, and that is because I recognised the state I had got to, and knew that I had to do something about it. Before I was at that state, I knew and acknowledged that I was an alcoholic, but that only explained my drinking, it didn't make me want to stop. Nothing that anyone round about me had said had made me want to change, it only made me hide from them. I needed to get to that place on my own to have enough motivation face my addiction and stop drinking.

Many, many alcoholics don't get to that realisation and the desire to change until they reach rock bottom. Perhaps by making your dh leave, you will have given him the kick that he needs to recognise his rock bottom. Some people's rock bottom is lower than that, they may end up in prison or hospital. But the important thing is that none of that is your responsibility or fault, nifty. Partners / wives / husbands / do more damage by enabling the addict.

You might want to think about contacting al-anon for families of addicts. You will find people there who have been through the same experience as you, and if your dh chooses to stop drinking, al-anon could be a useful ongoing support for you, even though he may not be living in your home.

Reading this thread makes me feel ashamed of myself, it is hard to see the way drinking hurts the other members of a family. I wish you all the best nifty.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 20:49

aww, VAM, what a great post

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeLindt · 09/08/2010 21:25

Great to see what support you have had on here, Nifty.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

You are not depriving your DC of a father, he is by choosing the bottle over the safety of his child.

11yo FFS. How can he ever defend himself against that?

Stay strong, take time to think about your options and do not feel sorry for him. Listen to VAM, and to LLL who have experience of this.