to think that actually, a wedding ISNT her all about the bride, and ISNT only her big day, but that of the families?

[ladysybil]

I really dont understand why people think that a wedding is the brides big day. can someone explain this to me please.

Well, that does explain a lot Orm.

We live and learn, you might at worst have been distracted from your guests during some points in the day, but that's understandable, unless you have either no guests or under 20 guests to deal with. Most people accept that there's an element of delays where big groups and a packed itinery are involved.

I'm sorry about your DH uncle. I can see how that would make you feel terrible even though you weren't to know/blame.

YABU. It's the brides and bridegrooms day. They are the ones geting married everyone else s just there as a guest.

Does anyone mind if I have a little rant about my parents wedding which is this month? .....No... good i'll begin my mother has went from having only family and close friends and a nice intimate meal to a full blown wedding with all the fancy ribbons and bling you can possibly imagine. My dad is so tired from working all the hours to pay for the damn thing that i haven't seen him in nearly a month although he only lives two streets away. Mother has also decided that every dress I look at is "the wrong colour" "not appropriate for her wedding" "clashes with her bridesmaids" she has also put my two sisters at the top table but sat me with the kiddies (please note I am 26)her reasoning for this is my children will be sitting there so I could "keep an eye on the rest of them" I am also making her four tiered rich fruit cake diamonte encrusted wedding cake out of my own pocket but she has asked me for a dyson hoover as my wedding gift to "her" aarrrrrggghhh i have very nearly bitten right through my own tongue ss for rant boy I feel better though xx

Belini, you are kidding, aren't you? If that's for real then blimey, I feel for you and your Dad... has your mother not noticed she ain't a blushing bride of 21?

No I don't think she has edam they have been together for over twenty years and have both been married before I am desperatly having coffee with every friend or relative that is even remotely ill in the hope i'll catch it just to get out of going

LOL Bellini.

Not saying I don't feel sorry for your predicament.

I can just imagine Belini's Mum throwing her bouquet with an arch look at all the single 'girls' her own age.

When I got married, DH's biological nieces and nephews became my nieces and nephews (saw them that way before we got married anyway) and vice versa.

but my nieces and nephews did not become anything to his nieces and nephews? what a strange idea.

likewise my aunts and his aunts are not suddenly going to be anything to each other, they may meet and chat at our family events but they are not family to EACH OTHER so will not be inviting each other to stuff they are hosting.

2 families do not really come together do they? The COUPLE just integrate into each others families if that is mutually chosen, they don't bring their nan and sister along to their spouse's parents' sunday dinners!

As for the OP, it depends, GOOD enjoyable weddings are about the couple, $hite cringey weddings are about it being the bride's day. And the best weddings are where the couple really want the guests to be a big player in the day and they want everyone to have fun. At $hite weddings the guests are just the bride's audience who are expected to be honoured to be present at all.

Haven't read this whole thread but YANBU. The day itself is of course for the bride - and the groom (others have added this caveat but still told you YABU - but it's a pretty big caveat!) Nobody should tell them who to invite, what dresses to wear, etc etc.

But I also believe that getting married often, for a lot of people, means joining and being accepted by one another's families. It means telling all your family and friends 'I'm not just in love with this person but I also want to make a life with this person and for us to become our own family' (whether or not that includes having children). When I got married I was really lucky - my DH's three sisters were bridesmaids and I really think of them as sisters now. I felt I was promising his family to look after him and be worthy of him, and that he was promising my family the same for me. We wanted them there not only to celebrate with them but because our marriage meant more within our families.

It's hard to articulate, but I know what I mean

PS - it can also mean telling your families to piss off, you're serious about each other, and they should shut up now

Either way, they're often a big part of it!

it is hard to articulate. and hard to find the balance. as I said earlier I was happy to let my stepdaughters wear what they chose - while the day was obviously about me and DH, I wanted them to be happy too - after all they graciously accepted me into their family :)

YABU. It is of course primarily about the bride and the groom BUT this does not give the bride or anyone else carte blanche to become completely immune to everyone else's needs, feelings and input. It does, however, give the bride and groom the right to have some say in what happens, even if they aren't paying for it themselves - I hate the weddings where "parents pay so the bride and groom aren't allowed any of their friends along" scenario - how shit is that!

Families will integrate or not depending on whether or not they get on - but many families in-laws don't know each other. They might meet at parties/family events held by the couple who join them, but they won't necessarily be inviting each other to other events. Take my Mum's funeral for example - my sis's OH came of course, but none of his family came. And we didn't expect them to!

Our wedding is in disney world - we wanted a day that would be about Ds as well a sabout us, it's also something neither one of us has done before. AND we could add some elements which will make the whole holiday more special for ds (who has "issues")

I DO have a special dress (it was a whopping £36 of ebay!) but basically it's all in a package and we don't have to think about it.

Our 15 guests are also very important to us, so we have included in the service elements that are important to us, but kept it short so that no one (even the children) gets too bored and fidgety, and are only asking for a few formal photos (who wants to be stood around for AGES waiting for blinking photos?)

we are also providing "activity boxes" for all the children present. WE want our wedding day to be a special and memorable day for us, but the most fun thing is making sure it will be fun and memorable for the right reasons for the very special, wonderful people who are sharing it with us.

so, it is a special day, and it's always going to be a MORE special day for the b&g than it will be for the guests, but making it good for everyone is part of the joy, imo

This is why I'm not a big fan of weddings, everyone else tries to have their say. My brother and his, now, wife wanted to get married in Austria with around 25-30 people, but because her Grandma didn't want to fly out there her Mother made her feel bad so they had a church wedding in the UK, not really what they wanted. At the moment my friend is upset as she has not been invited to her friend's big wedding as her friend got the hump that my friend only had family at her wedding....do you see what I mean? DH and I got married in Italy, our family is only small they all came and we said to our friends if you want to come, you're welcome, if not we don't mind and we ended up with 30 people. We only spent £3,000 on the whole thing and it was a lovely day. I'm not a fan of weddings where everyone has been invited for the sake of it.

Actually, oneortwo, my family and ex-DHs families are very much one, even now we are no longer together. His parents, my parents, my GPs, his uncles etc DO still get together. And I am so glad that they do - after all, looking at it from my DS's perspective, they are ALL his family. That's the bit that posters on here are missing - a marriage does bring two families together as far as the next generation is concerned.

OP - I agree with you. The bride and groom are important, of course, but if they forget to be good hosts then, frankly, they deserve to get married on their own. [Remembers wedding where lunch was served to half-dead guests at 3pm after a 2 hr photo shot].

Isawthreeships off topic but that is really nice about your family and your ex's family, and pretty unusual I think.

Thanks, DillyDora. It would be a shame to think it isn't the norm but I suspect you are probably right.

Apologies all for the overeffusive CAPS - getting on my soapbox again.

My wedding was a big deal for our families, I was happy for parents, in-laws, siblings etc. to all be very much involved. This did mean me having to make some compromises, but I didnt mind.

A wedding is a family party.

To go off on a bit of a tangent here, it is sometimes true that a wedding is not about it being anyones 'big day'.

I knew a couple who having happily cohabited for many years (and would have probably continued living happily together in a loving relationship even if not married) who married for legal reasons.
They both popped down the register office on a weekday afternoon with no ceremony or fuss.

Apart from making things 'official', it wasn't a 'big day' for either of them.

My wedding was all about my family.
My marriage was/is all about me and DH.

I didn't want a huge church wedding, complete with reception party after...I'm not really the type. However, that stuff was important to my family, so we did it, we had a great time, and the most important thing at the end of it all was that DH and I were married. It didn't really matter too much how that happened, I guess!

So, it wasn't really about us on the day...but I still love that my family talks about what a great time it was.

What about gay weddings then. I'm going to one. Will it be all about the groom and if so which one?

I have to say both my weddings were about everyone else. I worked my bollocks off making sure everything was nice for everyone else - to the extent that two days before one of them I had a 'oh shit I have no shoes' moment.

The big 'bridezilla' thing is just like the big 'yummy mummy to PFB' thing. Your true personality asserts itself under times of stress. If you have a mate who has a tendency to be precise, she will be truly deeply picky about her wedding. A very socially aspiring friend will probably want the dress and it will be the be all and end all, along with a 'gawjus' venue (note this word will crop up a lot - try not to visibly cringe).

So, perhaps OP, the trick is to sympathise for the stressed out woman in the frock at the front rather than feeling.....I don't know envy/frustration/whatever towards her.

Gah, I think I've been to more gay weddings than hetero ones. What's the big deal?

What if your family is very small or so disfunctional that no one is coming, or you have no family? Should you feel guilty about having preferences or making decisions based on what you want? I certainly included our very limited families in our choices regarding our wedding, but fundamentally couldn't please everyone, so pleased myself! And if you can't choose your own dress, flowers, music and food (or to have none of these things) on your wedding day, when can you?

Wish I'd had the bollocks to make my weddings all about me too but I did have this funny bloke who kept insisted he too was involved