Page 4 | to think that actually, a wedding ISNT her all about the bride, and ISNT only her big day, but that of the families?

ladysybil · 2010-08-07T14:15:08+00:00

I really dont understand why people think that a wedding is the brides big day. can someone explain this to me please.

Kaloki · 07/08/2010 20:14

If we did our wedding with our guests preferences in mind then we'd need a church wedding (for a satanist and a pagan?) followed by a piss up (neither of us drink)

Maybe we are hideously selfish, but we'll stick to a civil ceremony followed by a picnic (where everyone can't get falling down drunk) ta!

It is after all our wedding. Apparently eloping would be selfish too. Can't win can we?

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 20:21

I sort of agree. I think that it is about two people getting married (not just the bride ffs!). But if they can't be mature enough to care more about the comfort and happiness of their invited guests than the exact colour of the bridesmaid's dress and what the flowers look like, then they aren't grown-up enough for marriage. Any 2 people who care more about fripperies and appearances than those who come to witness the ceremony, are two immature to take such an important step.

emptyshell · 07/08/2010 20:24

Things seem like they're all about the bride because if they're anything like my husband is - the bloke doesn't give a stuff if the colour scheme's black and white, pink and floozy or blooming purple - they want to show up, agree at the right points and then get plastered at the reception!

3Trees · 07/08/2010 20:28

Oh and with regard to relationships, I ahve been discussing this with DH2B...

My children (as long as they are his children, and I only have one, and it's his), are his sister's children's cousins, his sister is my child's aunt

And that's it. And they are irrespective of whether we are married, these days, (change in the law) becasue they are HIS children.

wukter · 07/08/2010 20:31

But Orm...have you seriously come across any weddings where the napkins are more important than the guests? I certainly haven't. Maybe that's why I'm a bit sharp on these threads.
You can have both, a nice time for guests and a few months measuring the wicks of candles, if you wish.

I think we are probably all coming at it from our own interpretation of 'all about the bride'. It seems to emcompass everything from the brides' wish for a dress to disguise pear hips to a 3 hour photoshoot on abeach an hour away. There's a happy medium for things at most weddings, but ime there's always one disgruntled guest spreading a bit of acid no matter how considerate the b&g are.

lemonysweet · 07/08/2010 20:32

hahahahaaa

...oh, you're not joking?

seriously, a marriage only has two people in it. a wedding is to enter into that marriage, and you only need two witnesses beside the bride and groom.

i dont understand why people have people and children they have never spoke to, and arent genuine friends with in their wedding day. why would i invite someone i dont particularly know or like to the day i am officially bonded with the person i am going to hopefully spend the rest of my life with? its a personal ceremony, im not inviting people just to be polite. if i know you well enough to invite you to my wedding, im probably good mates with your OH as well. but i dont meet up with your kids for a drink [and i may very well come round and play with your kids while we have a chat, in which case they are very much welcomed!]

basically, its the bride and grooms wedding and they should be able to invite whoever they damn well like regardless of whatever is 'proper'

if i was having a birthday party i wouldnt invite my bigoted aunt or your breastfeeding baby!

annielouisa · 07/08/2010 20:45

My wedding was definetely about my DH and myself although family was made welcome. It was not a "fancy do" it was a place where we made solemn vows and promises that we have lived by for our married life. It was a pact between us as a couple that is very special

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 20:46

Yes wukter, but I think a lot of couples forget that people are more important than stuff and do their utmost to impress rather than welcome. I would want my guests to remember our wedding because they had a fantastic time not because my dress was so beautiful and everything was sooooo gorgeous

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 20:48

And no, in the event, I think most weddings are comfortable compromises that suit everyone. But there is a danger of the B&G thinking of themselves as the lead players in a big production.

LunaticFringe · 07/08/2010 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellepink · 07/08/2010 21:01

Haven't read the whole thread but IMO yes, the day is all about the couple (and if one isn't that bothered about the details - usually the groom!) then yes, it's all about the bride.

Why the heck would I care what the bride wants? It's one small day out of my life, one big day out of hers. I think I can afford to go along with whatever it is they want for a day. Of course I might have a bit of a whinge if they expect bridesmaids to cough up for a fancy hen week in Las Vegas, or choosing to get married in Australia when most folk have little money for that kind of luxury these days (or any day), but money issues aside, in terms of the style or content of day itself then who am I to moan/care about whatever it is they want to do?

If it's a choice between pleasing yourself as the bride and pleasing everyone else then I think the bride should please herself and good luck to her!

Bellepink · 07/08/2010 21:05

Didn't see this before. OrmRenewed: "But there is a danger of the B&G thinking of themselves as the lead players in a big production".

What are they exactly if they aren't? The stage hands? The cloakroom attendants?!?

Seems like some (not you specifically here OrmRenewed, but in general) can't bear ordinary people to be lead players even for a day, in their own lives, and that, I think, is pretty ungenerous.

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 21:14

Because it isn't a production, it's a marriage. And they aren't the lead players, they are the people getting married. A bit of humility and ordinariness is vital as a start to a marriage.

Original poster

ladysybil · 07/08/2010 21:17

:o
everytime someone on mumsnet complains about some sort of bridezilla connected thing, i intend to bring this thread up.
NO One is going to be allowed about to complain about any brides being unreasoble now. mn has decided. :o all brides are allowed to be as unreasonable as they want, because its their day. and only what they want is important.

OP posts:

SoLongAsItsHealthy · 07/08/2010 21:18

It's "your day" in as much as everyone makes a bigger than usual effort to make sure you are happy and that things go the way you would like etc etc. But the day eg Sat 7th August 2010 doesn't belong to you and you alone so in as much as I am also exisiting today, it's my day too. And if I'm a guest at your wedding today I'll expect to be pretty happy also.

SoLongAsItsHealthy · 07/08/2010 21:21

... the best weddings are the ones where the bride and groom remember that it is also their guests' day and make sure they have a fantastic time too!

greenbananas · 07/08/2010 21:24

lemonysweet - what's wrong with breastfeeding babies?? This is a bit of an emotive issue with me - have just had to turn down a wedding invite from a very old friend because children weren't invited and I couldn't leave my breastfed baby.

greenbananas · 07/08/2010 21:25

... and I really do resent breastfed babies being lumped together with your bigoted aunt!

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 21:27

We eloped. It saved a lot of hassle. I highly advise it to my children. You can really get romantic with it, too - packages abroad or castles in the UK.

We wanted to be married, the ceremony was a requirement, but not a wedding.

And yes, you can elope and have a religious ceremony, too.

I have a first cousin who did that because their parents are all dead and as a result, they did not want a big wedding. She took inspiration from Jane Eyre, 'He and I, the parson and clerk were alone present.'

I find elopement romantic in odd sort of way.

wukter · 07/08/2010 21:30

Ah here Orm, if the b&g are not the main players in a wedding who is?
And a wedding is a bit of a production unless you nip into the registry office after work and before Tesco's.

Anyway the theatrical metaphors are a bit of a red herring, and a lame duck.

Lady - you weren't complaining about unreasonable brides in your OP, you were complaining that brides somehow get this notion that it's a big day in her life.

As though your own wedding day is on a par with the day you attended your DH's cousin's wedding, or something.

Bellepink · 07/08/2010 21:40

Ah @ OrmRenewed. I assumed you were using the "production/lead players" terms as a metaphor. Also, some might argue that whereas a marriage shouldn't/can't be a production, a wedding day certainly can in terms of the organisation. I am discussing the technicalities of planning a wedding rather than the marriage beyond.

Maybe I can go with the humility bit, but the ordinariness, no. It's not an ordinary day to most people. It's the highlight of people's lives in some cases. Ask elderly people if they remember what happened on their wedding day - most will say yes. Ask if they remember what they did on Tuesday 4th August 1967, or any other random day out of the past, and most will say no.

I don't want a B&G to feel they have to be ordinary for me. I love to see a B&G feeling special on their big day, the bride being fussed over by her BM's, the first selfconscious "My wife and I..." mention by the groom... yes it's all been done before but to a couple getting married it's the first time for them and it's great to see

sfxmum · 07/08/2010 21:48

it is a significant day but the 'highlight'? seems a bit sad
it marks the start of a life together, hopefully but it is a day in the life, what happens afterwards can significantly colour the way it will be remembered

I have no liking for big 'perfect day' nonsense and 'I felt like a princess' stuff dress up and make believe is for children

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 21:54

Ok. I'll use my own wedding as an example. I didn't want it to be a big fussy sort of day but it happened anyway. I got a bit carried away by it all. I'll let the professionals have their way and one of the consequences of this that our poor guests ended up hanging around in a chilly October churchyard for about an hour for the stupid photos and then have a 30 min drive to the reception. And one of DH's elderly uncles got so cold he ended up with pneumonia and died a few weeks later. Not only that but the guests had to wait even longer at the reception to eat whilst DH and I swanned around the fucking battlements having more photos.

The rest of it was great and we had made lots of efforts to make our guests feel comfortable and be well fed and watered, but I still feel bad about it. We had invited people to our wedding, they had made the effort to come, bought gifts, got dressed up in their glad rags, and come along with good will in their hearts, and we treated them like extras in some drama.

And we had the best intentions to start with. It just got too big.

MathsMadMummy · 07/08/2010 22:09

have to say that far worse than inviting people just to be polite, is the practice of inviting more people just to get more pressies! ugh.

pooka · 07/08/2010 22:19

I'm with the OP in that I don't think that it is right that the wedding day seems quite frequently to revolve around the bride to the extent that the bride may see fit to make unreasonable or impolite demands of the guests.

I agree with Flightattendant that if your wedding is going to be dressed up as a big party, then it is only logical that you apply the same philosophy that you would to any party that you might throw. If your attitude is going to be "it's my party and I'll cry/stamp my foot/tell guests what to wear/put up impossible demands on families that might be attending" then I think the guests have the right to take umbrage with that and label the bride/groom as godzilla/violet elizabeth bott characters.