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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to change DC's surname?

114 replies

Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:09

I have been seperated from DC1's dad for nearly 4 years now. He has his Dad's surname, as we were together when he was registered.

I have since re-married and have another son with my husband. I have asked exP that my new surname be added to my DS' surname. He was outraged at the suggestion and thinks I'm beng completley unreasonable, am I?

I think it would be nice for my DC's name to reflect both his families names, he has been asking alot about names since the wedding, and I think he would like to have the same as me, his brother and step-dad, as well as his biological fathers name. Obviously we can't change it without his fathers permission as he has equal parental responsibilty, but I hadn't expected that reaction from him.

OP posts:
lifeas3plus1 · 06/08/2010 22:12

Are you sure you can't do it.

I know you can't change it without your ExP's permission but I didn't think there was anything to stop you adding to it.

Meglet · 06/08/2010 22:13

YANBU to want to do it. I would love to change my dc's surname but I can't.

I bet there aren't many dads who would agree to it TBH.

lifeas3plus1 · 06/08/2010 22:13

And sorry, No, I don't think you ABU.

It's not like you totally want to get rid of your Exp's name.

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:15

Really lifeas3plus1? I will look into that. However I don't want to cause any unwanted animosity. I did mention though that I could have him known by any name I wanted, but it would be nice if we could agree.

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/08/2010 22:15

Disclaimer: I do not understand the deal about families having the same surname as my mum remarried when I was 7 so I grew up in a blended family with different surnames.

My ds has my dh's surname and as far as I am concerned, he always will do. If my dh and I split and he remarried and he said 'can he have fictitious-new-wife's surname?' I would also say 'no he cannot'. He has a name. It's his name.

Boys2mam · 06/08/2010 22:21

I think YABU.

The name you gave your son at birth is how he now sees himself and, as was intended, links him to his father. You are now asking him to take on another mans name and I can understand a. your ex's reluctance and b. your sons.

If your son had your name (and no contact with his father) then its a more natural progression to take this new name on with you but that does not seem to be the case.

I have a DS with a man to whom I was married and if I asked him to give up the sole right to the "family name" being passed on with our son - well, would never ask him to do this.

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:22

I think I have thought about it because DS has been bringing it up, quite alot, since we got married. Asking who is called what and why. As it happens he has said he wants the same name as his brother, but he is four.

He was named with the understanding that eventually I would have the same surname. It didn't happen, so now it would be nice to have his name reflect both families.

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/08/2010 22:27

I think it's understandable he wants the same surname as his brother, but more because he wants reassurance that he is still as important to your family as he once was, if you see what I mean? Better to explain to him (as I'm sure you have) why names don't define our relationships with each other, we do that for ourselves. Think about it from ds1's dad's point of view, what would you say if he also wanted to change ds' surname to include a new family?

marriednotdead · 06/08/2010 22:34

I'm with tribpot I'm afraid. Both my dcs have their respective fathers surnames and I took dh's on marriage so 3 surnames in my house.

I cannot imagine either of my exes being ok with me adding my dhs surname to their names, despite the fact that we are all amicable. We gave the dcs those surnames because they were their family names- your new husband is not biologically that, irrespective of how close he is to your dcs.

The only name change I could perhaps countenance would be to double barrel with your maiden name, which would be pointless now as you are married.

I really believe that your name is an essential part of your identity, and with the exception of females on marriage, you stick with it for life.

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:34

tribot - He does understand that of course, I've said he can be called anything he likes and it doesn't change anything. He said he wants to be called Superman and spent the whole afternoon ignoring me unless I obliged "tea's ready superman" Hmm Grin You raising that point though has made me think more about exP's reasoning for not wanting the change - that it makes him feel closer to him knowing he has the same name, I'm not sure thats the right reason? As for you question about the situation being reversed, it's a difficult question. The circumstances are different. He sees DS once a month, so if he married and asked for her name to be included I would find it an odd request.

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 06/08/2010 22:35

I can absolutely relate to that Stuckey

I married my DS1's father before he was born and unfortunately we split when DS1 was tiny. DS1 is now 6 years old.

I've now been with DP for almost 4 years and we have DS2 together, who is almost 2. DS1 often asks when we will get married and I always thought it was because he wanted us to; we're such a lovely little family, DS1 still sees his Dad regularly, happy happy happy!

Then came the tears just recently - DS1 is broken hearted at me changing my surname; he wants me to still be his Mummy, which by changing my surname to DP's and DS2's he thinks I will no longer be.

Talk about being brought up short!!

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:36

'I really believe that your name is an essential part of your identity' - thats why I feel he should share our family name, as well as his Dads. He lives with us, loves both his Dad and step-dad (and me) equally. He also has a very close relationship with my DH's family, whereas his Dad's family have cut him off.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 06/08/2010 22:40

you could all change your names by deed poll to your ex's surname - then you would all have the same surname and your ds would be chuffed Grin There is nothing at all to stop you all doing this, as legally your ds already has the nema and your new dh and nest dc could change without a problem

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:41

Grin ivykaty44. That might just be enough to persuade exP to go with the double barrel!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 06/08/2010 22:53

I know of a person local to me who married and divorced and then his ex wfe married and - no children at all involved- but the ex wife's new husband took her married surname... I have no idea why this was doen but thought it was a strange thing to happen

this though had caused confusion as the new husanbd had the same first name and when the first husband was being tracked down by soemone or toher - the new husband got called.

jsut though I would sahre that Smile

huddspur · 06/08/2010 22:54

YABVU, why should your son take the surname of his stepdad who afterall is nothing to him really. I could understand it if you wanted him to have your maiden name added onto his fathers.

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:55

Very confusing! Thank god no childrne involved!

The more I think about it, the more I'm convincing myslef that I will tell exp this is what we intend to do. He'll soon change his mind Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:57

'of his stepdad who afterall is nothing to him really'

huddspur - I'm going to have to disregard your post, based soley on that comment.

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 06/08/2010 23:01

The more I think about it, the more I'm convincing myslef that I will tell exp this is what we intend to do. He'll soon change his mind

Now, I'm pretty sure that legally you can't do this.....If your DC's father has parental responsibility you can't change their name on a whim? As reflected in your OP...

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 23:03

No, change mine, my DH and our DS's name to match DS1's (exP's) surname Grin

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/08/2010 23:06

"'of his stepdad who afterall is nothing to him really'"

Gosh - I hope nothing of my post suggested that. My step-father has been my step-father since 1979 and he is an immensely huge part of my life. I love him and I respect him and he has never treated me as anything less than his biological daughter.

But I still never needed to share a name with him to achieve that (if I'm honest, I don't ever remember even asking). My dad hasn't been the greatest dad but my name is my name. His name, yes, but also mine.

Flisspaps · 06/08/2010 23:09

If he's only 4 I would certainly wait until he's old enough to make his own mind up. You say you 'think' that's what he wants, yet he also wanted to be called Superman the other week. He's not old enough to understand the importance of his name being his name.

I do think YABU though, I can't imagine my DP being happy for DD to change her surname in the future if our circumstances changed, and certainly Hell would have frozen over before my Dad would have allowed us to add Stepdad's surname to ours.

marriednotdead · 06/08/2010 23:11

Shock at huddspur, would like to think that was just poorly worded...
Still with tribpot.

Original poster
Stuckey · 06/08/2010 23:12

tribot - not at all. I took my stepdad's name. I don't know my real dad, so for me it would seem odd to have a strangers name. I guess personal experience would have alot to do with individual opinions on this subject.

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 06/08/2010 23:15

If your ex partner remarries or meets someone else can he had his new partners surname to your DCs?