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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to change DC's surname?

114 replies

Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:09

I have been seperated from DC1's dad for nearly 4 years now. He has his Dad's surname, as we were together when he was registered.

I have since re-married and have another son with my husband. I have asked exP that my new surname be added to my DS' surname. He was outraged at the suggestion and thinks I'm beng completley unreasonable, am I?

I think it would be nice for my DC's name to reflect both his families names, he has been asking alot about names since the wedding, and I think he would like to have the same as me, his brother and step-dad, as well as his biological fathers name. Obviously we can't change it without his fathers permission as he has equal parental responsibilty, but I hadn't expected that reaction from him.

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 06/08/2010 23:15

YABVVVU.

If I were in your ex's position I would be going absolutely batshit if anyone were even hinting at what you're suggesting.

Regardless of how close your new partner may be your ex is still your sons father - his name is a hugely symbolic aspect of this.

For a moment, put yourself in your ex's position and imagine how you would feel if something as fundamental as the name you gave to your child were to be arbitrarily changed against your wishes?

If your ex had of been an abusive beast who had nothing to you with you or your son then maybe I could understand but this sounds like you're attempting to undermine his father's role in his life - this may not be what you intend but its how it sounds.

Irrespective of your new family, your ex is still your sons father and you should respect his wishes for something as fundamental as this.

tribpot · 06/08/2010 23:15

Stuckey - I think you're quite right. Hopefully you can resolve this in the right way for your family, I wish you only the best.

huddspur · 06/08/2010 23:26

Reading back what I wrote, I realise it was poorly worded. What I was trying to say is if you and his stepdad were to seperate then he would carry the name of a man of which he is not related and this would be very odd. What I would do is leave it until he is old enough to decide for himself.

wineandroses · 07/08/2010 01:15

My only experience here is my sister's family - dn1 has different surname to dn2. They both fully understand that their surnames come from their fathers. Any suggestion that dn1 should append step father's name to her own would be met with consternation not just from her but also from the entire family - we all know that she is the apple of her father's eye and he would feel devastated; as though his role as father was diminished. Don't do it. It may please you and your husband but your ex will feel dreadful.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 10:29

Thank you tribot Smile

I'm suprised by the response actually. I wasn't aware that people felt so strongly that the man gets the final word on surnames. We have equal parental responsibility and yet I don't get to have a say in my DS's surname?

If we weren't together at the time of registering, would it still be the case that our DS would take his fathers surname regardless of my wishes?

"undermine his father's role in his life" How??

"your ex is still your sons father and you should respect his wishes for something as fundamental as this." What about my wishes?

OP posts:
instructionstothedouble · 07/08/2010 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

piscesmoon · 07/08/2010 10:42

It is important for the DC to keep to his identity. My DS1 has a different surname to the rest of us but we are all quite happy with it. If I was your ex I would fight it.Your DS can choose for himself when he is 18yrs.

SweetnessAndShite · 07/08/2010 10:44

No opinion on what you want to do but you can, if you chose, use the name you wish for your child without actually officially changing it. My friend's DS uses his stapfathers name but is still officially his real name for child benefit, NI when he gets older etc

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 10:44

piscesmoon - I'm not asking that it be changed completley, just added to.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 07/08/2010 10:47

Are names really important, in this day and age? No one has the same surname in our house, but we find it funny more than anything else - and no one as yet has ever noticed.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 10:47

Incidentley, when we moved DS was registered at doctors/dentist even school with my maiden name. His father wasn't happy so I changed it back to his legal name.

I could do the same, change it to our name, but that's not what DS wants (yes I know he's only 4, but still), he says he wants both, and I can't see why not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 10:51

Why should it be any less important to me than it is to his Father?

Yes, it is important to me that our DS's surname reflects both of his families.

Ths year his real father has seen him 5 times. Each time for less than 6 hours. His choice.
His stepfather has lived with us since he was 18mo. He provides for us all financially and treats him no differently to DS2.
I don't know if that makes a difference? IMO Nurturing is just as important as nature, and so if name is about identity, then I think it would only be right to have his name reflect both fathers...

OP posts:
Gay40 · 07/08/2010 10:54

I just don't see what's important about surnames. Surely the relationships are established securely anyway, so surnames are a bit irrelevant - in my opinion.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/08/2010 11:04

"undermine his father's role in his life" How??

"your ex is still your sons father and you should respect his wishes for something as fundamental as this." What about my wishes?

You would be undermining him though as you are saying his rights and wishes dont count as he no longer lives with you.

You have custody, would you like to reverse roles and see your son once a month whilst having his name by your ex's new wife - I doubt for one moment you would agree to it so why should he. Perhaps if the child spent more like 50/50 with both parents he may have been more amicable to your wishes, although I doubt it - I'd never let anyone change my childs surname to their new partners.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 11:10

'You would be undermining him though as you are saying his rights and wishes dont count as he no longer lives with you.'

What about my rights and wishes?

'You have custody, would you like to reverse roles and see your son once a month whilst having his name by your ex's new wife'

The contact arangments are his choice. Not mine.

'change my childs surname to their new partners'

I'm not asking to change it, I'm asking that it be added to.

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 07/08/2010 13:10

Your "rights and wishes" were respected when you and your ex husband jointly chose the name the child was given at birth.

Your ex is still your sons father and still has an equal right to make decisions such as this - just as you would were your ex want to make such a fundamental decision regarding your son.

It is not about the father having the "final say" in naming a child, its about a parents right to have an equal say in their child.

You made the decision in agreement with your ex when you registered your sons birth. If you want to now change that decision it is only fair that it is with the permission of the person you made that agreement with.

Simply put, your ex has an equal say in what his child is called. You are unreasonable to assume otherwise.

As others have said, would you consider it reasonable if your ex were to remarry, take a new name and expect you to agree to rename your son accordingly?

And unless there's been some dramatic changes to the English language recently "adding" to something is still changing it.

AlaskaNebraska · 07/08/2010 13:14

they changed my dhs name and he is still cross about it.
DONT

megapixels · 07/08/2010 13:17

YABU. I think it's quite odd to add another man's surname while the child's father is still in his life. He is still 100% your ex's son as much as yours, you getting married doesn't change that.

edam · 07/08/2010 13:28

Interesting thread. We've got people saying names don't matter and people saying names are terribly important so you musn't change them.

Seems to me we are still stuck in patriarchy to some extent, with 'family' names actually delineating only the male hereditary line. And reactions of horror if you even dare to challenge that. Not even as far as removing the original surname, just adding to it!

Here you have a biological father who chooses to see his son for 30 hours a year yet still wants to insist the child is labelled as his. And a stepfather who has brought the child up since he was a toddler who isn't allowed to join his family name to the existing name.

Mind you, it's all still patriarchy as we are only discussing using male names, not maiden names...

May I suggest when people register births, it would make sense to include both maternal and paternal surnames? Given 1/3 marriages end in divorce and even more partnerships don't survive. AND women still do the bulk of childcare hence most often have residency after a split.

The Spanish use both maternal and paternal surnames but they do something complicated when people get married - IIRC the children get both grandfather's surnames, ditching the grandmothers?

guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 13:30

but what happens if you split up with your current dh?

edam · 07/08/2010 13:30

This '100% your ex's son' doesn't quite work, does it? He's 50% the mother's, 50% the father's. The mother has changed her surname. Seems reasonable to me that her new surname should be added to the existing surname especially as the father can't be bothered to spend much time with the child.

edam · 07/08/2010 13:31

guy, I think you have to give up at that point! Grin

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 13:36

We weren't married when we we registered DS, I did however believe that we would get married, so agreed to him taking on his fathers name. If I had asked back then if he could be named with my surname, I'm quite sure I would have been met with similar outrage.

OP posts:
megapixels · 07/08/2010 13:37

No, it was '100% your ex's son as much as yours'. If one partner gets married and another person enters the set-up that doesn't mean that the father's "ownership" (for want of a better word) should get diluted in any way.

guybrushthreepwood · 07/08/2010 13:39

I mean, then your ds would be lumbered with a name that no longer had any meaning at all?

In my opinion, dont change it, he's a little person of his own now and don't go faffing around with names,it's unnecessary. If you were so concerned about your name matching your ds's why did you change it in the first place?

I kept my surname and all the dc's have my name. dh has kept his name- I had to fight quite hard for this but it's worked out well- no-one ever calls me Mrs [dh's name] and it is always me at the drs, dentists etc with them. grr.