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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to change DC's surname?

114 replies

Stuckey · 06/08/2010 22:09

I have been seperated from DC1's dad for nearly 4 years now. He has his Dad's surname, as we were together when he was registered.

I have since re-married and have another son with my husband. I have asked exP that my new surname be added to my DS' surname. He was outraged at the suggestion and thinks I'm beng completley unreasonable, am I?

I think it would be nice for my DC's name to reflect both his families names, he has been asking alot about names since the wedding, and I think he would like to have the same as me, his brother and step-dad, as well as his biological fathers name. Obviously we can't change it without his fathers permission as he has equal parental responsibilty, but I hadn't expected that reaction from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 14:54

Yes guy - both dads Hmm

Oh no, most definately not letting a four year old decide!

It's come up because we are moving again. When we moved the first time I registered DS with doctors etc with my maiden name. Exp not happy, so I've changed it all back to his legal name, but I've asked that we come to a comprimise and keep his surname but add my (married) surname.

How old is old enough to decide do you think? 8/9 years old?

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 07/08/2010 14:57

'the only person who's opinion matters is the child's father' Why?!

I would have thought that was obvious but I'll spell it out: you need your ex partners permission to change the name you both gave to your son when he was born. You have changed your mind. He hasn't.

And he doesn't have two dads. He has a father and step father. Father trumps step father, just as mother trumps step mother.

As always with these threads I always ask myself, what would be the reply if the gender and situations of the OPs were reversed?

I'd put an awful lot of money on if you were to be in your ex partners shoes your opinion would be very very different.

You've asked if you're being unreasonable. I and many others think you are - presumably because we share the same view as your ex. You can argue all you like but them's the facts. If you came asking for confirmation that your opinion is the "right one" you've came to the wrong place...

LookToWindward · 07/08/2010 14:59

"How old is old enough to decide do you think?"

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 15:09

I think the one dad/two dad arguement should probably be for another thread altogether. My stepfather is my Dad. Plenty of other people about that regard their stepdads as more of a father than their biological one.

The view of my Ex is that should our DS's name be changed, he'll loose his bond. However, he doesn't see that the bond could be strengthned by having more contact Hmm I'm probably feeling hard done by because I don't feel it's fair for his father to have the final say on this when he has such little involvement in his life. He has no interest in deciding what school he goes to, where he lives, what activities he paticipates in. He wants to feel like he still 'owns' him andis unwilling to listen to my reasoning as to why I think it should be changed. No comprimise, no putting any thought in, just an outright no, because he can.

It;s been interesting to get the view of those with experience, so thank you.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 07/08/2010 15:12

I'm fairly sure you can be younger than 16 and have good reasons to want to change surname as a child. Let's not forget that children are actually people too and do actually have their own opinions.

QueuePosition3 · 07/08/2010 15:19

I understand your poinrs stuck. But don't change it. In volve ex h in decision making more

edam · 07/08/2010 15:35

Stuckey - friend of mine was in a similar position, except the original father was completely absent (always had the impression he was A Bad Lot). When he reached teenagerhood, he got very angry/upset about not having the same surname as his mother, stepfather and little brother. Fortunately with the father off the scene, the mother and stepfather were able to formally adopt him (back in those days even the biological mother had to 'adopt' although it may have changed now).

I know the son has always been very happy that he made the decision and is very close to his Dad (the one who brought him up, not his biological father).

Your situation is a little different as your son's father is still around even if only minimally, but just wanted to point all all the doomsayers ain't necessarily right - if one day it is possible to change your son's name, it could be a very positive thing.

Have you sought legal advice about adding your surname onto ds's?

notquitenormal · 07/08/2010 15:48

My Mum remarried. My step-father is lovely and did a really good job bringing us up. I have younger siblings with a different surname.

Still, I would be properly fucked-off if my Mum had tried to change my name (and I haven't changed my name on marriage either.)

OctaviaH · 07/08/2010 15:55

can I just point out- your stepdad may be your dad, fine, it happens sometimes.

however, can't you see that that does not automatically mean that your ds's stepdad is his dad?

People try so hard to recreate their own childhoods for their dcs, good or bad.

I think you need to deal with your own issues, maybe get some counselling, and try and draw some boundaries between yourself and your dc.

EdwardCullenShallBeMine · 07/08/2010 16:10

I did this. I changed DS and DD surname by deed poll from EXP's.

edam · 07/08/2010 16:11

Oh FGS, now people are diagnosing the OP with mental illness for daring to suggest her ex doesn't have ultimate control over their son?

EdwardCullenShallBeMine · 07/08/2010 16:12

Sorry posted too quickly.

Stuckey your post @ 15:09 are the exact reasons their names were changed.

OctaviaH · 07/08/2010 16:21

not mental illness edam, but possibly not understanding her emotional processes and she doesn't sound like she's come to term with her own childhood at all.

You dont need to be abused to have issues, as we say, and you certainly dont need to be ill to have therapy.

Defensiveness, btw, is an extremely poor coping strategy. Something to chew on.

RunawayWife · 07/08/2010 16:24

YABU

LookToWindward · 07/08/2010 16:25

Info here:

www.ukdps.co.uk/CanIChangeMyChildrensNames.html

In summary, as the father is still in contact and there are no good reasons (i.e. risk to child, etc) for changing the name, if one parent doesn't want the DCs name changed then that is pretty much it.

OP if as you say your ex has little to do with his son why don't you use this opportunity to get him involved? Explain what you've said to us in your post at 15:09.

Just an assumption on your part but if this is the second time you've moved perhaps your ex is finding it difficult to manage the degree of contact he wants?

edam · 07/08/2010 16:31

Blimey, Octavia, now you are diagnosing ME for daring to suggest you are being a bit over-enthusiastic? You really need to stop inflicting psychobabble on other people, you know. Leave the diagnosis to the professionals. Or buy yourself a copy of the standard diagnostic manual, I'm sure there's enough in there to keep you entertained for many a long hour.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 17:04

Wow. Erm, no need for me to 'come to terms' (?!?) with my own childhood, thank you. I was using it as an example to show that it can, in some situations, be a positive thing to take on your stepdads name.

"however, can't you see that that does not automatically mean that your ds's stepdad is his dad" Yes, yes I can see that Hmm. He has brought him up, put a roof over his head, cleaned up his sick in the middle of the night, and so on and so forth. Anyway, I'm not getting into the 'what constitutes a real father' debate, I already said that probably needs its own thread.

LookToWindward - thank you for the link, I knew that would be the case. Also, thanks for the thought, but there has been plenty of other opporunities that we have taken, only so much you can do. He has it his way, I have to lump it (contact, name change etc)

OP posts:
StrictlyTory · 07/08/2010 17:27

OP can you imagine if you and your husband get divorced.... your son will be stuck with the name of a man who has nothing to do with him biologically and may well never really see him again.

His Father on the other hand will always be his Father so having his name is totally natural.

I find all this name changing to Step parents names very odd, I would detest to have been lumbered with my Step Mother's name even though she is still with my Dad 20 odd years laters. Unless the child is adopted it's strange to me to be given the name of someone who is not a biological parent.

Original poster
Stuckey · 07/08/2010 17:57

If I thought like that StrictlyTory, I probably wouldn't have married him?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2010 18:22

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP. If her DSs dad wanted to be actively involved with his son, then I think there would be no question of changing his name. But the fact is the step father is being a dad on a daily basis and the biological father has been happy for that to be the case.

I think that Stuckey feels that she gave her son his dads name almost under false pretences, in that she too was supposed to have this name but ended up not getting married to her ex. That said, if she had married and then remarried she would still be in the same situation now.

I think OP, that you will have to accept what you legally cannot alter. Ask your DS how he feels when he is much older and the decision no longer rests with your ex.

I think it would be sensible if unmarried women gave their DC their maiden names at registration of the birth. When I had my first DS I was not married to his father, so gave him both our names (mine beng the last name). I was pretty sure we would stay together but wanted my child to have the same name as me just in case things didn't work out.

Tootlesmummy · 07/08/2010 18:44

Sorry but I am with your Ex on this one.

Yes you've married someone else but your son still has a father and I think that if it were reversed and it was (I know wouldn't happen but....) if your ex wanted your son to have his new wife's name you would quite rightly say no.

I think you need to try and explain it to him (maybe when he's a bit older).

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/08/2010 18:51

Of course no-one thinks they will split up with the new husband, but then you probably thought that about the first partner too (as you gave your son his name). I remember those poor children at school who kept having their names changed, to the new husband's one, then back to the old one. Perhaps that won't happen to you, but I can't see the rationale for changing a name now. I don't have the same name as my own children, it's just no big deal to me.

StrictlyTory · 07/08/2010 19:38

Ummm did you think that when you had a child, which is a slightly bigger commitment with your Ex....? Hmm

hairytriangle · 07/08/2010 20:26

Yab completely u and I'm not surprised he's outraged!

ivykaty44 · 07/08/2010 22:28

It can be really expensive travelling abroad when you all have different surnames form your parents - my bf changed her name back to her maiden naem when she divorced (for reasons I can't remember) and then when she went on some far flung holiday over int he carabean I think? Anyway her ds had a different name - the same as his fathers actually and well the authorities in this far flung place wanted a £70 legal document to say that she would take her son with a different surname home again..so it can cause problems if you travel to far flung places - or near places depending on where you live.

therefore I still think my idea was the best one yet - change all your surnames to the same as the ex partner - then you will all have the same surname and make life easy when dealing with school and gp etc - as you all are Mr or Mrs XStuckey

at least the schools and such like will never get the names wrong either