to want to change DC's surname?

[Stuckey]

I have been seperated from DC1's dad for nearly 4 years now. He has his Dad's surname, as we were together when he was registered.

I have since re-married and have another son with my husband. I have asked exP that my new surname be added to my DS' surname. He was outraged at the suggestion and thinks I'm beng completley unreasonable, am I?

I think it would be nice for my DC's name to reflect both his families names, he has been asking alot about names since the wedding, and I think he would like to have the same as me, his brother and step-dad, as well as his biological fathers name. Obviously we can't change it without his fathers permission as he has equal parental responsibilty, but I hadn't expected that reaction from him.

my mother changed my name (not just surname but whole name) when she married stepfather. she laso changed my 3 siblings surnames, all without permission from anyone.

its one of the reasons i don't speak to her, she had no right to do that!!!

We have never had the different name issue, abroad or at home.

I travel all the time with my children who had a different surname from me. My husband gets stopped more than me even though he has the same surname as them. These days you often do need documents to travel with only one parent (to show you have the other's permission) but this is so common, it's not worth changing a child's name and identity for that.

I have never had a problem with my DS having a different surname-not even when travelling abroad. I would stick with it as it is and leave it to him as an adult. I have never met a DC who was happy to have their name changed. We discussed it with my DS when he was about 9 yrs-in case he found it difficult, but he was adamant that he didn't want a change.

My mum left my biological dad when I was very very young, remarried and left me under my birth surname. This was back in the 70s/80s when a child having a different surname to their parent was a bit more unusual than it is now. Her justification for not changing it off the bat was that she didn't want to just start calling me by a new surname when I legally still existed under the old one.

I had to explain myself in school a fair few times (Catholic school who liked to go out of their way to make life arkward for the children of divorcees or working mums) why the person signing notes had a different name to me and things. In the end, once little bro was on the way - I actually ASKED for her to change my surname to that of the rest of the family - and she did it through the courts in order that I had a paper trail of evidence linking my old surname to my new one (with having to be CRB checked endlessly for work - I'm glad of this now). At the suggestion of a quite astute registrar - my marriage certificate also has my maiden name, formerly my birth name on as well to make the links explicit.

Father didn't contest changing the name at all (we don't think he opened the legal letters as he probably thought they were bills knowing him) - but I carry around my birth certificate, and the court document allowing the name change together - I must have been 8/9 when the change went through, probably about 8 when I requested to have it done.

I'm glad the choice came from ME, I see lots of kids in schools where they get their surnames changed endlessly because of who mum's current bloke is - I've seen kids whose grandparents have tried to alter surnames to what they think they should be on reading diaries etc - lots of mess over it all.

Alternatively, add DH's name to DS's middle name without double-barrelling, that way it's there and if DS wants to later (when he's 18) swap his names around so that your DH's surname is the same as his, he can do so. Failing that, suggest double-barrelling, if that's not too unwieldy.

Im not surprised your ex is upset. Mine would be if I tried to change our DS name to include my current partners. Just the same as my DP would be if his ex tried to change his DCs to include her new partners.

IMO Children should have their fathers name even if not married to the mother if the dads are involved in their lifes.

When my DP and I get married my DS will be the only one without the same surname and yes I it saddens me but I would never take change his surname or try to add to it.

If you wouldn't want your ex to make a cosy little family unit with your DS and his new partner, excluding you, then you shouldn't do it to him ,IMO.DS's step father can be a wonderful parent to him without having to share the name. It isn't in the least odd these days to have different surnames within the same family.

so what happens if you split up from the Step-Dad? And you son carries the name of an ex-SD forever (or until he changes it himself)?

Or you could do as my friend's mum did, she kept her first married name to be the same as her first DC, and her subsequent children and DH all have DH's name of course. Thirty years on everyone's still happy with this arrangement.

I've had alot of problems at customs when travelling alone with my children, although to be fair this is not only due to our having different surnames, as we also have different nationalities. Furthermore, dc2 looks absolutely nothing like me (blue eyed and fair, whilst I'm dark with hazel eyes) and twice she hasn't answered to the name given in her passport when prompted by suspicious customs officials because she's always been known by a (much shorter) abbreviation.

Oh, and OP, YABVU, I think that to change your son's name at this point seems almost malicious.
If ds feels strongly about the issue once he's 16 or older he can always change it himself.

Stuckey YABVVVVU

And you keep asking why your choice isn't important - well actually you did get to choose his surname in the first place. You're now the one wanting to change it (and don't say it's because DS wants it - he's 4yo FFS, what if he says next week he wants to be called Sportacus)